Oh, I need to.

I have been really busy despite not really having a long list of things to do. I managed to get my resumè redesigned, Ashley’s paper edited and ready to turn in, and all my fonts and brushes transferred over to my little old Macbook. Plus I’m on the last book of the Twilight saga. After putting it off for so long, I gave in and read the first book a few months ago. Payden had the rest of the collection, and it is addictive. I’m not usually a big fan of fantasy books or vampire-ish stories, but these books got me hooked in the way that The Notebook did. It’s about the love story. I can’t wait for the new movie to come out!

Also, the writing is slowing down. Many of the posts lately are scheduled, which makes life 10x easier to keep something new on here. We’ll see how long I can manage to do that!

future.

even when I can’t believe
a goddamn word you say,
I’ll still look at you and hope
hard that I’m wrong.

even when I feel you pull away,
I’ll tell myself it’s something else.

even when your smile
is only trying to smooth things over,
I’ll still look for some genuineness.

even when I want to leave,
I’ll always stay.

even when we say we don’t
love each other,
I always will.

knot.

It’s in you, right where
you always hide it,
and it’s waiting.
For you, it’s just waiting
whenever you are ready
and wherever you go,
it will too, still lingering,
for the day you are
finally ready.

It’s there and
you feel it.

just a little note.

It’s been a long week, a stressful week. I am so very looking forward to spending tomorrow doing nothing but reading New Moon and sipping tea. The weather will be warm though, so perhaps that the reading will happen outside. I’ve also been writing a lot. As if the crazy amount of poems posted lately didn’t give that away. The weight of words is sometimes forgotten until I finally get them out and onto paper (yea, I have to actually write them for them to feel real). It’s a good feeling.

Lindsay and I took Dayton today to snap some pictures. She was excited to get some new ones of him, and I just love taking them. Plus he can melt my heart with his little laugh and smirk. I can’t wait until he is old enough to sit up without help. That’s when the real fun starts. That’s when the pictures become never-ending.

cut.

–in response to the note in the front of AJ Rathbun’s book to me–

Well, cutting lines is much more fun
when wheels do the cutting
and nobody argues back
about the two feet they just lost
in a line that extends so far
around the room, dimmed down,
that the end and beginning
have no definite start or stop.

Just a line jumper,
line cutter am I.

heat.

If it doesn’t leave a little burning inside your chest,
it probably isn’t worth pursuing.

If it doesn’t leave you wanting more,
it’s not going anywhere.

That’s not you
and me.

When you and I are doing
does nothing less
than kill me every time we’re apart.

If it doesn’t do the same to you
just leave and put me out
of my misery now.

high hopes.

maybe we could do this,
change each other’s minds
about love.

could we be anymore
the same?
hurt and guarded,
seared but still waiting?

maybe we could get
each other through it
and find something new
on the other side.

maybe you could be
the one who finally
is able to break me.

drunken conversation.

I told him straight to his face
I don’t trust men–
well, except my daddy.
They all lie
and cheat
then lie about the cheating.

They all start out nice
and seem like a dream
right out of some fairy tale.
That’s what girls are supposed to want, right?
A Prince Charming?
Because that’s what society whispers
in tiny pierced ears as they are handed Barbies
and the boys get trucks.

I’m getting off topic.
Just like a woman, I suppose.

I can’t totally fault a man for being an ass.
Society says that’s okay too.

But basically I let him know
I hate men,
mostly because of their ways.

He smiled,
just as sweet as I knew he would
and promised to prove me wrong.

Right then, he was proving me right.

top ten.

With Halloween right on the heels of this week, I figured I’d do a little list of stuff that spooks me. Not necessarily in order.

10. Spiders
9. Breaking bones
8. Love
7. Drowning
6. Being trapped in a fire
5. Failure
4. Someone breaking into my house, especially when I am alone
3. Daddy Long Leg spiders
2. Car wreck/semi-trailer wreck
1. Losing a family member or close friend

grandma.

my grandmother always
had goolash and buttered bread,
green beans and mashed potatoes
waiting on Sunday afternoons after church
when my parents with us drove the 80 miles to visit.
That playground was across the street
and a pump stood in the backyard.

But change happens.

That playground is gone
and she lives in an apartment that can’t compete
with the old living room’s gas heater,
a bedroom with curtains for doors,
and an upstairs that allowed the Baileyville
winter winds to creep through its walls
beginning in November.
That house has been replaced,
a new one stands on its legs.

Mrs. Koch, the original,
is quiet and enduring.
I see her in me every so often
when someone tries to tell me what to do,
to dictate to me,
to offer negativity to those I love.
I see the stubborn
I see her spark
generosity unappreciated,
and pride immense.

The scope of her character
maybe even we can’t grasp.

How does one
become so beautiful?

I always thought of my grandmother
as a great pillar, poised for others,
firm and able to hold herself against
the greatest forces thrown,
even hurled at her, during this lifetime.
She is a worrier
without the tears.

I always thought my grandfather,
fixed and defiant in his own right I’m told,
was a lucky man to have been loved by her.

I always have
and I always will.

Night driving.

Traffic lights reflect on the street
bright and flickering
yellow, red, green
from the wetness that has filmed the concrete.

The cold isn’t quite enough
to form ice yet
but soon the day will come.

And I’m not ready.

golden.

Fall, even when it makes me miss things that happened in what seems like a previous life, is cleansing, and it makes me feel creative.

I finally picked up my camera yesterday. It felt good. I missed it. Does that sound weird? That I missed my camera? Well, if it does, then color me weird.

not on repeat.

Let’s go back to where we started
when you smiled
and I sang,
to where we got along
and talked about things
that actually mattered,
to where a friendship stood
strong and soft and silly
(before love ruined it),
to where we could still
make each other happy.

I want to say
let’s go back and start over
but what if I wasn’t okay
in the first place?

leaving.

the way you sat in your chair
back arched just as to hide your face
behind the wall from the others here,

the nervousness that stretched
each time you smiled,

the constant rhythmic tap of nails
on the edge of your crystal glass
filled to the top with strong wine.

it all should have told me
how contradictory your “I love you”s were
that night right there in our restaurant.

But my wine sat heavily too
and frankly it didn’t matter.
It never really mattered.

I didn’t miss you until I realized
you wouldn’t be coming back.

Thoughts.

I haven’t done a “thoughts” post in a very long time, and I realized that I need to start up again. I have things I want to say, but not enough about each topic to make an entire blog for each. Does that make any kind of sense? Anyway, here goes:

–My new stretched canvas is going on my “prized possession” list. Not only because it is of a photo that I took (and love), but because it is simply glistening on my new shelf. Photos of it to come sometime soon.

–Since rearranging and purging the bedroom, I am less stressed. Seriously, the more in order “things” are, the calmer I am. Love it.

–I have been writing a LOT lately, and you’ve probably noticed by the consistent posting over the past days. Love it too.

–I have been putting off the job search, just trying to figure out exactly what I want to do, but I have got to get on it soon. Life won’t wait for me forever (unfortunately!).

–Chiefs won one. Probably the only one this season, but hey, we won!!

–They closed Taco Bueno on 21st Street. I might die of hunger now. Thanks TB bosses! Geesh.

glances.

You with the blue-gray eyes
the ones with which you catch me staring
the ones that speak loudly their own language,
good, bad, sweet and sad.
You with those eyes
that just chill me until I shiver, sting on my skin.

And you move me something fierce,
somewhere deep and hot
somewhere no one else does
somewhere no one else can.
You move me in ways
that make all the others seem mild.

Questions haven’t been asked,
answers aren’t being offered,
but I wait with this between us
heavy and thick
slow-moving and sugary like molasses.

Yes, this is sweet.

It is you, comfortable
in the safety of your silence,
that can give me hope
and keep me waiting
for our eyes to catch again
to tell me which direction
I’ll be driving home tonight.

It’s always in your eyes.

notice.

dance around
on your dainty feet
and make yourself feel pretty.

dress in pink
or red
or purple
in satin or in lace
and paint your lips
with some shimmer too.

be just as girly
as you want to be.
feel just as beautiful
as you want to feel.

And remember
you are the only one.

flirtation.

He found me among the glittery bar lights
and loud karaoke
and introduced himself
in a white shirt, blue jeans and killer smile.

This one wasn’t so ordinary.
In fact, he was nothing short of extraordinary.

I got his number,
or maybe he got mine,
but either way he sent me a :)
(it was almost as good as the real deal)
and called me silly
(how did he know?).

He didn’t kiss me
until the next time I saw him
after a night of beer, IHOP,
and a week full of anticipation.
His kiss was even better
than his smile
(somehow I knew it would be).

He’s so far past extraordinary.

fabulous.

After months of anticipation, the big night came. Kristi came to Kansas City! I tried to wrangle a bunch of people together to go party, but since this was a birthday weekend for 3 of my friends, most of the crew stayed in Topeka. But that was okay because we had plenty of fun with just a few of us.

My friend Justin and I arrived in KC around 7, and Kristi and her dad were waiting on us. I could see them in the lobby as we were coming across the skywalk of the hotel, and I was so excited! It’s been almost 4 years since we last saw each other in Lincoln so we were long overdue for a visit.

We went to find somewhere to eat. The streets and buildings are weird around the Power & Light District in KC so we had to go searching for the accessible entrance of the burger place we decided on. On the way there was some guy puking in the flowers along the side of the road. It was mean, but we all kind of laughed at him. It must have been a really good college football day for him or something because it was only 7:15 or so, and he was tore up. Finally we found the entrance we needed and warmed up a bit while we ate.

When we were done, Kristi’s dad (who is a huge sweetheart, I love him) went back to the hotel, and Justin, Kristi, and I headed for the bars. I have a friend (Kristi calls him my boy toy, lol) that works at the PBR Big Sky bar, so we decided to go watch him knock people off the bull. My buddy Aaron arrived after he got off work, and by then, the three of us were ready to start partying. Unfortunately the bull broke down, and BoyToy and his buddies were running around trying to fix him. I wish Kristi could have seen the hilarity that ensues when drunk people get on that thing!

I don’t really know how many beers/amaretto sours we drank, but it was enough to make things fun. We danced and sang and laughed almost the entire time. And we sent inappropriate texts to BoyToy just to make him laugh. :)

Some dumbo drunk that was standing behind us tapped me on the shoulder and asked me “Are you really in a wheelchair?” Uh, yes. “Well, you don’t LOOK like you should be in a wheelchair.” I couldn’t believe it really. It was like he was accusing me of faking, and it kind of caught me off guard. My friend Justin told him “Ya know, you could have asked her how she was doing first!” lol. I politely told the guy that he was ignorant, and then he must have gone somewhere else.

A guy from Souix Falls was there too. What a place to see someone—5+ hours away! And that guy was liking Kristi!!! Not kidding. He was going for her lungs with his tongue! I was sitting there like “wth is going on with him? Who does he think he is?” Of course, the beer was making me a little bit brave, and I must have been shooting him some dirty looks. I didn’t know who he was, but it made more sense when Kristi said he was from Souix Falls too.

Two more guys in chairs that I know, Mike and Brian, came through too, but we didn’t get to chat with them much. We’ll just have to schedule that next time Kristi is able to make it to KC.

At some point, we quit drinking and switched to water. It, plus the cold, sobered us up pretty quick as soon as we stepped outside.

While we were walking Kristi back to her hotel, we had another funny moment. I was in the lead, and there in the bushes not very far from where we saw the guy puking earlier was a different guy, laying flat on his back in the bushes. Now mind you, it was like 30 degrees, and who knows how long he had been lying there. So the guys helped him up, and kinda posted him up on the wall, after he said he was okay. Some friends that guy must have to let him wander off and pass out in the bushes!

The clincher of the night: Kristi forgot her room number. The hotel is huge and has like 28 floors, and she only knew that the last 2 numbers were -40. Nobody was at the desk downstairs so somehow one of us (I don’t remember who) came up with the brilliant idea of going floor to floor and trying the card in each door that ended in -40. Justin did the running, while Aaron, Kristi, and I waited by the elevator on each floor. It was quite hilarious. On I think the 8th or 9th floor, 2 really nice young men invited us to church this morning. How cute, huh! Those poor boys probably thought we needed church!

Anyway, the lucky floor was 11. We made sure she got in her room safe and sound, then headed home. At some point on the drive home Justin told me “You and Kristi are so much alike that it’s scary. You are definitely wild.” But I don’t call it wild. I just think we know how to have a good time. ;)

I haven’t had so much fun in quite a long time, and Kristi and I both have decided that we’re not waiting another 4 years to meet up again!

Kristi and I.

In the elevator at the end of the night, figuring out which room might be hers.

Three stooges.

Soooomebody had fun!

forgetting is the hard part.

The forgetting is the hard part.
Because everything I so desperately want to forget
is everything that has helped mold me into the person I am right at this minute.
And I like who I am.

The heavy hurt,
like someone had lain upon my body and was suffocating me with their weight,
the tears that never seemed to end,
the grieving of a friendship that was beyond broken,
the ache that comes with a first lost love,
the hopelessness, the desertion,
the deep fiery red hatred for someone you had once been inseparable from,
the insecurities that plagued each day.

It was all worth something, even though the cost knocked me down.
I eventually stood my ground, smiled at the sun, and knew that I could do this.
I am this.
I am this.

official nerd.

I’m on a book high this week. After reading three (okay, well 2 and a half at the moment) this week, I made another trip to the library this morning before I came home to watch my KC Chiefs get stomped by Michael Vick and his Philadelphia Eagles. I was more than excited to see that they had acquired some new Charles Bukowski poetry (Thad, the materials selector, must be able to read my mind!). I also picked up a few fiction books, including The Alchemist, which I have been putting off reading. Sometimes when a book is so hyped, it leaves me expecting more than it delivers, and I’m not much of a fan of disappointment (which should keep me from watching the Chiefs games at all this season, but I still hold out hope for them!).

I wheeled myself toward the checkout counter with 10 mostly-thick books on my lap. I am sure I looked quite ridiculous. Or like an official book nerd.

And I am okay with that.

I’m off to read, darlings.

sweet.

My dad, for some reason or another, decided to let two sweet potatoes grow in little jars, and the vines are wrapping around the beams on the porch now. Is this just a Midwest thing? Or do other people do this too?

first times.

I have been in the painstaking process of doing something different to my room. Again. I can never decide, and I always am thinking of new places to put things. Since we had the garage sale, I cleared out a lot of stuff, and with my huge bookshelf gone, my room looks (and feels!) so much bigger. I have also been going through lots of old stuff that is kinda sentimental or saved for some unknown reason. I found a whole box of old letters (or rather, my brothers found them in the attic) and was amazed at some of the stupidity that my friends and I used to waste our time writing notes about. Ah, high school. I found the sweet letter Lindley wrote to me after our senior winter Semi-formal, and I found all the notecards that ever came with any flowers I ever got. I found the ultimate hate letter that I wrote to TM after I decided that I couldn’t hate a person more than I hated him. I can’t believe some of the awful things I said in it!! (I’m so glad that I never gave it to him too, because we have a strangely good friendship now.) And I found this that was also written about him:

the first time he spoke to me,
we were at his cousin’s wedding.
he already knew where I worked
and he wasn’t shy about letting me know.

the only thing I remember about him that night
was the glowing white of his adidas shoes.
his face was a blank until he showed up a week later
in my drive-thru window in his too-loud chevy
and charmed himself into my head
and his number into my phone.

the first time I held his hand
we were walking in the dark
across the west ridge parking lot on a cold night
on our way to see a movie, our first date.
he laughed as I slipped my hand into his
because I’ll admit, I was trying to be slick.

the first time I kissed him we were in his parents’ basement
and his 9-year-old nephew just beat me at pool.
I remember just what he said to coax me close,
knowing I never turn down a dare
and love to prove people wrong.
“you’re scared, anyway.”
I wasn’t scared, and I made my point.

the first time we ever sang together was
in my old blue grand am, with the shaky wheels
and 15-inch kicker sitting securely in the trunk.
disturbed “down with the sickness”
it was our song. it was loud, just like us.

the first time he met my parents,
it was only for a few minutes, just like I had hoped it would be.
he was nervous, I was petrified they might not approve.
I lied and said we were running late.
we escaped.

the first time I told him I loved him,
we could see the whole city and all of its lights.
I was cheesy and crying,
but he said it back.
it was the first time I meant it.

the first time we fought and he made me cry,
I hated him for it, for breaking my toughness,
and forgave him as soon as he hugged me.

every time I was ever around him,
he just made it that much better.
now every time I miss him,
I miss all the good firsts we ever had.

come and gone.

she came with a purpose,
a mission for her night,
a determination that she hadn’t felt
in such a long time.

she left without anger and resentment,
leaving it all right there on the table,
sitting right out in front of him
next to the full glass of Bud Light,
that his dark eyes stared down into.

she left lighter,
with her back to the hurt
that she had tried to rid herself of for so long.
she left the things she said
still ringing in his ears, burning in his chest.
she left with the realization that now,
she wasn’t hurting, but he was.

she left, as a different person than before,
with less of who she was
and more who she wanted to be.

worlds of fun.

Amusement parks were my thing before I was injured. I was/am a total adrenaline junkie, and rollercoasters were the biggest thrill. The bigger the drop, the loopier the loop, the happier I was to ride.

Then I just had to go and break my neck. Adrenaline rushes aren’t the same after you’re paralyzed, unless you’re about the go over backwards in your wheelchair and crack your head on concrete or something similar to that.

So when Tim got tickets for all of us to go to Worlds of Fun, I was less than excited. Spending a day with the family isn’t so bad, but I hadn’t been back to an amusement park in 6+ years. I could just imagine watching everyone run around and have fun while I watched the kids. To be honest, I was almost dreading how depressed it was going to make me feel. Sometimes things that are supposed to be the best time in the world only remind me of the things that I loved and can’t do (or do the same way, anyway). And sometimes that just sucks.

I was wrong about this one though, I’ll admit. I had a lot of fun actually. We laughed and played games and ate awesome amusement park funnel cakes and had a great time. And I even rode a rollercoaster! Of course I knew I would, but then they dared me. And rarely, very rarely, do I ever turn down a dare. I was scared about my legs and the fact that I can’t exactly brace them, and even though they were kind of flying around (which scared the crap out of my niece and sister), it was fine.

That’s me on the end, with the Chucks and long jeans. lol.

The little girls, Serenity, Kendall, and Makinna.

Caleb with the Snoopy and Lucy (?). He wouldn’t leave without a picture.

Caleb and Serenity rode a few rides of their own, and they both LOVED them, even the little rollercoaster.

Matt, Jeremy, and Chandler rode the Ripcord. Crazy!

Serenity and I. Can ya tell it was a long, exhausting day??