I have been really busy despite not really having a long list of things to do. I managed to get my resumè redesigned, Ashley’s paper edited and ready to turn in, and all my fonts and brushes transferred over to my little old Macbook. Plus I’m on the last book of the Twilight saga. After putting it off for so long, I gave in and read the first book a few months ago. Payden had the rest of the collection, and it is addictive. I’m not usually a big fan of fantasy books or vampire-ish stories, but these books got me hooked in the way that The Notebook did. It’s about the love story. I can’t wait for the new movie to come out!

Also, the writing is slowing down. Many of the posts lately are scheduled, which makes life 10x easier to keep something new on here. We’ll see how long I can manage to do that!

even when I can’t believe
a goddamn word you say,
I’ll still look at you and hope
hard that I’m wrong.

even when I feel you pull away,
I’ll tell myself it’s something else.

even when your smile
is only trying to smooth things over,
I’ll still look for some genuineness.

even when I want to leave,
I’ll always stay.

even when we say we don’t
love each other,
I always will.

It’s in you, right where
you always hide it,
and it’s waiting.
For you, it’s just waiting
whenever you are ready
and wherever you go,
it will too, still lingering,
for the day you are
finally ready.

It’s there and
you feel it.

It’s been a long week, a stressful week. I am so very looking forward to spending tomorrow doing nothing but reading New Moon and sipping tea. The weather will be warm though, so perhaps that the reading will happen outside. I’ve also been writing a lot. As if the crazy amount of poems posted lately didn’t give that away. The weight of words is sometimes forgotten until I finally get them out and onto paper (yea, I have to actually write them for them to feel real). It’s a good feeling.

Lindsay and I took Dayton today to snap some pictures. She was excited to get some new ones of him, and I just love taking them. Plus he can melt my heart with his little laugh and smirk. I can’t wait until he is old enough to sit up without help. That’s when the real fun starts. That’s when the pictures become never-ending.

–in response to the note in the front of AJ Rathbun’s book to me–

Well, cutting lines is much more fun
when wheels do the cutting
and nobody argues back
about the two feet they just lost
in a line that extends so far
around the room, dimmed down,
that the end and beginning
have no definite start or stop.

Just a line jumper,
line cutter am I.

If it doesn’t leave a little burning inside your chest,
it probably isn’t worth pursuing.

If it doesn’t leave you wanting more,
it’s not going anywhere.

That’s not you
and me.

When you and I are doing
does nothing less
than kill me every time we’re apart.

If it doesn’t do the same to you
just leave and put me out
of my misery now.

maybe we could do this,
change each other’s minds
about love.

could we be anymore
the same?
hurt and guarded,
seared but still waiting?

maybe we could get
each other through it
and find something new
on the other side.

maybe you could be
the one who finally
is able to break me.

I told him straight to his face
I don’t trust men–
well, except my daddy.
They all lie
and cheat
then lie about the cheating.

They all start out nice
and seem like a dream
right out of some fairy tale.
That’s what girls are supposed to want, right?
A Prince Charming?
Because that’s what society whispers
in tiny pierced ears as they are handed Barbies
and the boys get trucks.

I’m getting off topic.
Just like a woman, I suppose.

I can’t totally fault a man for being an ass.
Society says that’s okay too.

But basically I let him know
I hate men,
mostly because of their ways.

He smiled,
just as sweet as I knew he would
and promised to prove me wrong.

Right then, he was proving me right.

With Halloween right on the heels of this week, I figured I’d do a little list of stuff that spooks me. Not necessarily in order.

10. Spiders
9. Breaking bones
8. Love
7. Drowning
6. Being trapped in a fire
5. Failure
4. Someone breaking into my house, especially when I am alone
3. Daddy Long Leg spiders
2. Car wreck/semi-trailer wreck
1. Losing a family member or close friend

my grandmother always
had goolash and buttered bread,
green beans and mashed potatoes
waiting on Sunday afternoons after church
when my parents with us drove the 80 miles to visit.
That playground was across the street
and a pump stood in the backyard.

But change happens.

That playground is gone
and she lives in an apartment that can’t compete
with the old living room’s gas heater,
a bedroom with curtains for doors,
and an upstairs that allowed the Baileyville
winter winds to creep through its walls
beginning in November.
That house has been replaced,
a new one stands on its legs.

Mrs. Koch, the original,
is quiet and enduring.
I see her in me every so often
when someone tries to tell me what to do,
to dictate to me,
to offer negativity to those I love.
I see the stubborn
I see her spark
generosity unappreciated,
and pride immense.

The scope of her character
maybe even we can’t grasp.

How does one
become so beautiful?

I always thought of my grandmother
as a great pillar, poised for others,
firm and able to hold herself against
the greatest forces thrown,
even hurled at her, during this lifetime.
She is a worrier
without the tears.

I always thought my grandfather,
fixed and defiant in his own right I’m told,
was a lucky man to have been loved by her.

I always have
and I always will.

Traffic lights reflect on the street
bright and flickering
yellow, red, green
from the wetness that has filmed the concrete.

The cold isn’t quite enough
to form ice yet
but soon the day will come.

And I’m not ready.

Fall, even when it makes me miss things that happened in what seems like a previous life, is cleansing, and it makes me feel creative.

I finally picked up my camera yesterday. It felt good. I missed it. Does that sound weird? That I missed my camera? Well, if it does, then color me weird.

Let’s go back to where we started
when you smiled
and I sang,
to where we got along
and talked about things
that actually mattered,
to where a friendship stood
strong and soft and silly
(before love ruined it),
to where we could still
make each other happy.

I want to say
let’s go back and start over
but what if I wasn’t okay
in the first place?

the way you sat in your chair
back arched just as to hide your face
behind the wall from the others here,

the nervousness that stretched
each time you smiled,

the constant rhythmic tap of nails
on the edge of your crystal glass
filled to the top with strong wine.

it all should have told me
how contradictory your “I love you”s were
that night right there in our restaurant.

But my wine sat heavily too
and frankly it didn’t matter.
It never really mattered.

I didn’t miss you until I realized
you wouldn’t be coming back.

I haven’t done a “thoughts” post in a very long time, and I realized that I need to start up again. I have things I want to say, but not enough about each topic to make an entire blog for each. Does that make any kind of sense? Anyway, here goes:

–My new stretched canvas is going on my “prized possession” list. Not only because it is of a photo that I took (and love), but because it is simply glistening on my new shelf. Photos of it to come sometime soon.

–Since rearranging and purging the bedroom, I am less stressed. Seriously, the more in order “things” are, the calmer I am. Love it.

–I have been writing a LOT lately, and you’ve probably noticed by the consistent posting over the past days. Love it too.

–I have been putting off the job search, just trying to figure out exactly what I want to do, but I have got to get on it soon. Life won’t wait for me forever (unfortunately!).

–Chiefs won one. Probably the only one this season, but hey, we won!!

–They closed Taco Bueno on 21st Street. I might die of hunger now. Thanks TB bosses! Geesh.