Archive for January, 2008

January 30, 2008

I can SEE!

I went to the eye doctor today, after long procrastination of making an appointment. Honestly, I knew my vision was a bit blurred, definitely not as clear as it should be, but I had no idea it was as bad as it turns out it is. Even though my normal vision is still good, my focus is off and that’s what has been causing me headaches when I read. He said it could be the cause of my concentration problems also.

I got 2 pairs of reading glasses, and both of them are super cute. I didn’t need 2, but they were on sale. Everyone knows I can’t turn down a deal! I am actually amazed at how sharp the words I am typing right now look. Finally, maybe I can look forward again to reading text again!

January 30, 2008

Hollow.

“To accompish great things we not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe.” –Anatole France

I wish I could be living this quote more in my life.

Lately I have been feeling uninspired. Everyday just passes the same way, and nothing particularly significant happens. I get through each week to enjoy the weekend, and even that has become almost boring. Same people, same bar, same music, same conversations. I wanted a consistant routine back when school was on break, and now I am bored with such an empty routine.

When I feel like this, bored and just going through the motions of each day, it makes me feel empty of all emotion. It could be the winter cold and snow and lack of sunshine, but it’s such a dreary feeling. I’m not depressed, just indifferent. I’m not happy but not sad. Just…empty. Yesterday I was reading through my journal from last year, and I wrote once about feeling something similar last March. About being void of emotions. It’s disappointing to me that I have so many good things in my life, but still I not satisfied right now. It makes me feel unappreciative of them.

I need spring already.

January 28, 2008

Small break in between.

So much for not drinking very much anymore. We went out Saturday night, and my defenses were broken down. Not that I put up much resistance. I was practically inhaling the beer as it came to me, but thankfully I had sober enough people around to watch out for me (although I still did some very stupid things I’d rather not speak of anymore). I’m slightly disappointed in myself for not sticking to it, but I guess I’ll have to start next weekend. Since it’s Darcy’s birthday weekend, I’m probably going to be the designated driver, to and from Kansas City’s Saddle Ranch where we’re having dinner, and then to and from wherever she wants to go bar hopping. I’ll be the responsible sister this time. Jeremy was the sober and sane one for me on my own birthday, and I appreciated that from him.

Now, onto the law book that is beckoning me before Wednesday…

January 24, 2008

In just six-words.

I recently saw an advertisement for a book that is being released in February called Six-Word Memoirs. The whole thought of the book is to have several popular authors from the past few years summarize their lives in only six words. I saw a few examples, and it made me think about my life and the things that constitute importance in it. How signifticant some things are to me, but could I really wrap it all up in six words?

I’m not going to start trying. But I will, every so often, try to do so with my favorite photos. I’ll do the first on what has become extremely important in the past few months.

No longer seeking the good guy. Nick and I

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January 23, 2008

Gonna erupt.

Today was a frustrating day, and it’s put me in a foul mood. First, we received a letter in the mail saying that the insurance on the van had been canceled due to lack of payment. Um, okay. Usually the bill goes right to Ardyce at the bank, and she sends a check right away from my account. She’s never missed one before so after many calls to her and the insurance company, I am once again the proud owner of full-coverage car insurance. Ugh, stupid little mix-ups just make me mad.

Then I tried so hard to sit down, concentrate, and get reading done for my history class. It didn’t happen. There is just no way I can hold my concentration on the Industrial Revolution when there are so many other (loud) voices throughout the house and other distractions that so very easily catch my attention, like bugging Nick on Facebook while he’s at work. I managed to get through 5 pages of copy before I was ready to yank my hair out.

So I decided to go out for a while. I needed to update my Word program so I headed to Office Max and bought it, impulsively with my too-handy credit card, or so I thought. Apparently, I wasn’t paying attention there either because i bought the Windows version, when I need the Mac version. Thankfully, I didn’t open it and can return it in the morning before I head to the library. I should have known trying to study at home wouldn’t work. It never has, and I always end up camping out for hours in the library. It’s a hassle to drive halfway across town to get anything productive accomplished, but it’s just what I’m going to have to deal with again this semester.

January 22, 2008

If you try, I’ll try.

Nobody gets it.

Wait, I’m not trying to be one of those people who constantly think everyone misunderstands them and does so to make their life miserable. Most of the time I can count people to understand me, and usually if they don’t, they at least try.

But nobody gets this.

Lindley is really the only one I have talked to and opened up about it, but even with him, I can’t put my feelings into words. I can’t explain how I can be happy, sad, angry, and completely relieved all at the same time about Carmen. How can I hate her and love her and miss her and not want to see her face all in the same moment?

For so long I held such a strong, sharp resentment toward her and the friendship we had, and all it took was her to hug me and say she was sorry–and truly mean it–for it to just disappear. I haven’t felt so unburdened in a very long time when I think of her. The bitterness is gone, and I never expected for it to happen so quickly.

Whether anyone realizes it or not, ending our friendship wasn’t just a casual thing. It was literally like she had died, fell off the face of the earth. I grieved our friendship the way someone would grieve someone who had died. That made me very weak when it came to the subject. Maybe the relief of knowing she cared was what made it so easy to forgive her.

Carmen and I experienced the wreck together. Only the people that were there know what we went through. It’s easy for others to look at the situation and give their opinions, but they have no idea what it was like. They didn’t see the lights. They didn’t hear their best friend crying and screaming 100 feet away, not knowing how badly she was hurt and not being able to do anything about it. If there was one thing I wish I didn’t remember about that entire night, that would be it.

Some people think she is a horrible person for what happened. I’m not going to disagree that the way things went after the fact was very wrong and selfish, but it’s not like she intentionally meant to hurt me. It annoys me when she is accused of purposely doing something stupid. An accident is an accident, and by that definition, I am just as guilty as she is about what happened.

I never thought I would be sticking up for her or the way she acted afterward, which still confuses me a bit, but I know by the way she cried and apologized that she felt extremely guilty. I always anticipated feeling a huge ‘victory’ when I finally saw her cry about it, but in reality, seeing her that way made me feel awful and it made me realize just why we were friends. We are more alike than most people think. She felt guilty; she avoided me as long as she could to avoid talking and dealing with it. I do the same thing, though maybe it’s not as obvious when I do because the situations aren‘t the same.

I am glad that we might finally be on a road that leads to both of us being okay. I’ve said it before, and still I’ll say that I don’t think we’ll be best friends again. Too much time has passed for that, and we are at very different points in our lives than we were 5 years ago. But if we are okay with each other, life will be much easier.

She was my very best friend, my sister, at one point in my life, and no matter what happens, that fact will never change.

January 22, 2008

Clutter.

I don’t know why I allow my room to get messy. Pure laziness on my part I guess, but I was in a good cleaning mood this evening and attempted to get some of the clutter out of the way. By the looks of it though, you couldn’t tell. The one thing that even looks organized now is my desk drawer. I can actually find stuff in there now!

I just need more room for all the stuff I have. Mainly, I need an office! My bookshelf and computer desk and printer table take up most of the room. It’s hard to concentrate when you feel like you’re being closed in, and concentration is a problem anyway. An office is absolutely going to be a requirement when I eventually buy a house.

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January 20, 2008

Last hoo-rah.

With the beginning of the semester upon us, I decided that this weekend will be the end of drinking for a while. It gets expensive to go out. Between eating before the bar, buying drinks, tipping waitresses, and, on occasion, eating at IHOP after the bar, it is easy to spend at least $50 in one night. And besides pictures, blurry memories of what happened and a hangover the next day, there’s nothing to show for it. Partying is fun, but from now on, it is going to be in moderation.

Jackie was here this weekend from Arma, and that was another great reason to make this one big. We don’t get to see much of her, but when we do we always try to make it fun. We went to Skinny’s to watch the KU vs. Missouri basketball game then decided to stay there to celebrate the KU win. Herman, an old friend of mine from my McDonald’s days, came out too. I haven’t seen him in a long while, and it was good to have some laughs with him. Matt, Nicol, and Ledgee came out, and I saw Jason Cherry too.

Nothing too exciting happened while we were there, none of the usual craziness that ensues when we go out anyway.

We decided to go to IHOP afterwards. I was completely hungry, and we didn’t even have to sit in the ‘drunk room.’ We saw Carmen there too. (It’s weird how ever since she apologized, I run into her everywhere when I went 3 years without even seeing her.) The van wouldn’t start when we wanted to leave so some real cowboys, the bronco-riding type who are in town for the rodeo, who had just been kicked out of IHOP for almost fighting, gave us a jump start. That was probably the highlight of my night because they were pretty hilarious. I’ve never heard a thicker accent in my life from cowboys. I sure wish I had snapped their picture. Or somehow recorded their voices.

I suppose that it was a good ‘last night of partying’ for a while. I’ve made a promise to myself that I am applying myself completely to school this semester. Not that I don’t apply myself any other semester, but having straight As last time gave me more motivation to pull it off again.

Here are some pictures.

Herman, myself, and Jackie. Notice our Jayhawk shirts. :)

herman me and jackie

Jackie, myself, and Donnie.

jackie me and donnie

Ledgee and I. Obviously, this was after a few beers, and probably in the process of dancing.

ledgee and i

January 18, 2008

past and future.

The things I am to regret
in this curving life
have not yet taken
their chance to make me cry.

The mistakes I made
grew around me in a hard shell,
absorbing all the tears
before they fell. I am tough.

Future plans are bright, sparkling,
big, as far as I can see.
The past only pushed me so far
and now I’m pushing myself.

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January 15, 2008

Re-injury.

Re-injury

Today a re-injury occurred
when it was thought
that healing had finished–
and moving on had begun.
Something like a voicemail,
with a shaky voice
and concerned words,
is all it takes to open
a tender wound,
still pink,
inviting pain back into it.

Today my mind,
provoked and dazed,
argued with my fatigued heart,
absorbed with the words
that so easily sliced me agape.

So much I don’t want
to see the mouth
that delivered an interest
in my own well-being–
for fear I would need
to press it to mine
in a plead for lips
of familiarity.

Nor do I want
to conjure memories–
between myself and the man
behind the recorded voice–
that had gradually gained opacity
leaving a white fog
to sheer the happiness
they once held.

Feelings swelter, awakened,
singeing my eyelashes
as tears drip from my eyes.
The tiny flame erupted outward
without the knowledge of embers
of even molecular size
still hidden in existence.

Today, my re-injury occurred.
I couldn’t have seen it coming.

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January 14, 2008

Thoughts.

–My craving lately for Sonic hamburgers will hopefully help me gain the few pounds I want to. I almost am amazed that I am able to eat the entire thing before getting full.

–After taking a drive out to the lake today, I am amazed at the number of ducks and geese that have stayed and make home of the west side. Hundreds of them dotted the water. I feel better about not being the only one who hasn’t migrated from Kansas.

–I still can’t believe Kendall is one. I was trying to remember her birth and going to the hospital, etc. but it all seems a haze. I was sick with pneumonia then so I didn’t get to hold her for almost three weeks after, but still, I feel a bit guilty about blanking it.

–Barely 7 days until classes start again and my life is once again at the mercy of Washburn University.

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January 14, 2008

Good afternoon.

Something is so precious about the way she squirms when she wakes, snuggled between the pillows meant to keep her from rolling off towards the floor. Her arms flail quickly, searching the covers for her lost pacifier, and her eyes blink furiously at the bright lights they’ve encountered.

Innocence still exists within the walls of her skin, still pink and smooth. Toxins of societal pressures and expectations haven’t tainted her yet.

Naptime is so sweet. Smiles of waking are sweeter.

Makinna

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January 13, 2008

It’s in his kiss…

With the simplest of smiles
he reads the premature lines of my eyes
and takes my hand into his,
enfolding carefully the nails
colored with Dr Pepper paint,
as if sealing a letter
ink-ridden with secrets,
compliments of the heart.

As my lips touch his,
a smile lingers against their softness,
only for a second, then invites him in
as rough whiskers braze my cheek,
the coarseness of a day not shaved.
Free fingers find his jaw, fond of this man,
owner of imperfection so genuine.

A comfort he provides engulfs me
relaxing tensions I had feared
and igniting a hysteria inside
that fuels the need for more of his kiss,
a kiss so new yet familiar,
definitely worth knowing.

January 12, 2008

When the waves are calm….

I am just not in the mood to party tonight. Nick went to Kansas City, which takes half the fun out of partying, and Jackie is coming back to town on next Saturday so I should be saving money for then anyway.

It’s been a long time since staying home and watching movies was more appealing than going out with my friends. But since Nick came along, I’d almost rather be cuddled up than nursing a beer bottle. He brings me a comfort I haven’t had in a while. Damn you KC for taking him away tonight!

I’m working on Lindley’s birthday present to pass the time. I have had the idea for a long time, and I wanted to wait until he left for New York City to give it to him. But I decided that now–his birthday, I mean–is as good a time as any. I’m almost nervous about it, mostly because I hope he’ll like it. It’s important to me, and I am just hoping that he’ll feel the same. I don’t want to give it away so I’ll shut up about it now. Oh, the excitement!

January 11, 2008

Stuck.

All I really wanted this week was for the van door to work properly. Needless to say, I didn’t get my wish.

I cannot stand it–sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t work, which usually happens when I want to go somewhere. It’s been checked by the mobility guys, and they can’t find what is causing the door and ramp not to work, which is probably the most frustrating thing for me. If we knew what it was and just had to wait for a part or something, life being stuck wouldn’t be untolerable. But not knowing is making me antsy. With school starting in just a little over a week, we have to figure it out soon.

Since I have been spending so much time at home though, my room is spectacularly clean, books are slowly being read, and play time with the kiddos has been at a high. This semester will take me away from them, especially with two night classes. I am getting in as much time with them as I can, but if I have to hear the Wonder Pets song one more time I might go crazy.

January 9, 2008

Overflow.

My bookshelf is out of control. Mom has started buying ones that she finds cheap at thrift stores, and now I am being forced to clear space for them. Easily I am approaching 100 books, minus the ones that Darcy and Aunt Thelma have borrowed. It’s time to start trading the ones I’ve already read for new ones at least, to keep balance up between read and unread books that are sitting, waiting on me.

I finished Water for Elephants last night. It took me about 4 days total to read it which is pretty good, considering all the other things I have going on. It’s another book to put in the “Wonderful” list. It has a dark sense about it, but is still one of the most genuine love stories too. Mysterious and romantic.

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January 6, 2008

Back and forth.

How can it be that sometimes I am so sure of myself, of everything I want, and exactly what I want to do with my life & at other times nothing makes any sense to me?

I am happy. There’s no denying that, but why, then, does the thing (person & situation) that makes me smile 100 percent of the time, make me doubt so many things that I am or want? All the wishy-washy thoughts in my head drive me crazy, and the doubt makes me feel like an awful, contradicting person…like I am cheating him out of something by not being completely sure of this. I should be in or out, not halfway on both sides. That’s the guarded part of my heart working, I think.

I am going soon to see him, and I know that as soon as I get there, things will be great again. As usual. I shouldn’t be so worried about this.

January 3, 2008

It’s true…

that if happiness could make a person stop breathing, I would’ve suffocated a few weeks ago.

Blame it on the boy.

Happiness

January 3, 2008

In Cold Blood

What a book. It wasn’t anything I expected, and still, it is probably one of the strongest books I have ever read. It hit a different part of me because it was a true crime, and imagining the scenes, that people actually did this, went through this, makes it all more powerful. Disgusting, sad, angering, but still somehow fascinating. So fascinating, in fact, I plan on making a trip to the K.B.I. building next week to see the cord and tape used in the Clutter murders, if they really are on display…I wonder if they’ll let me take pictures…

I wonder sometimes if I should have been a psychology major. Admittedly, reading people isn’t my strongest point, but trying to read and understand them has always been an interest. Books like In Cold Blood make me feel sorry for the murderers in a way. Nobody knows really how situations affect another’s mental state. But then a feeling of hate is there too–who are these people to kill someone else purposely? I wouldn’t be a good psychologist though. I am not objective enough, probably from my own situation and Donnie’s too. Obviously, they both are completely different and neither are murders, but maybe some of the feelings are similar.

Mark ordered the old version of the movie for me and I am hoping that it doesn’t disappoint like most movies adapted from books do. Anything that takes away from the power of this book should not be in circulation.

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January 1, 2008

New Year, new start.

With the beginning of 2008, I decided to switch blog sites and go for the slightly more serious-looking setup of WordPress. I’m not entirely sure that anyone will think what I write about is serious, but that’s their opinion I suppose.

We rang in the year at Lindsey’s house, doubling the celebration for Jessica’s 23rd birthday. Anyone who knows us can attest to the fact that we know how to have a good, fun time. Give us a beer and some music that makes us want to dance, and we’ll show you a good time. Of course, with the rest of the gang (Erin, Nicole, Lacey, Jeremy, Kyle, Dani, Dustin, Gracie) there, it was only that much more fun. Rick and Mike had called and decided to swing by, which couldn’t have made me more happy because I haven’t seen either of them since St. Patrick’s Day. They showed up, and a while later, another of their friends, Shawn, came. Big mistake on his part.

I cannot tell you exactly what started it, but once the fists started swinging, there was no control anywhere in that house. In my life never have I seen a fight anything like the one last night. It was like a movie scene, playing in slow motion right in front of me. I think everyone that was there, with the exception of Angie, Dani, and Angie’s two young daughters, was in the middle of it at some point in those 10 minutes. Even I have a big red mark on my leg somehow. Lindsey’s table and front porch rail are trashed. There was blood on the carpet, and the neighbors called the cops. Pretty ridiculous in my mind.

After talking to Rick this morning, I found out that Shawn doesn’t remember anything about a fight and has an awful black eye. I’m betting his entire body hurts because he took quite a beating from what I saw. Undoubtedly, he won’t be invited to hang out with us again.

I am disappointed that my first blog of 2008 is about the first fight of the year, but the fact that I actually felt slightly scared while the entire thing was happening makes it worth writing about. Not everything can be cheery all the time.

Let’s hope 2008 brings better things from now on.