Archive for February, 2008

February 28, 2008

best compliment ever.

And it came from a two-year-old.

Heidi Klum, in her Victoria’s Secret fashion show, was just walking down the runway on tv. Tink lights up and looks at me.

“Carrie! She like you! Looks like you!”

Oh, if only…..

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February 28, 2008

I swear, you’re evil.

I always thought it was completely retarded when I would hear about people running their credit cards up until they maxed out. I mean, how much shit do you need to have when you don’t have the cash for it?

Now I completely understand just how convenient it is to just go somewhere to get what you want without having to have the cash. I’ve had a few impulse buys lately that I know I never would have made if I didn’t have a plastic little devil friend.

Oh, I want some new bras and underwear. It’s okay, I have a credit card. New phone? Of course, it’s going on my credit card. New computer programs. Bath and Body Works. And new earrings.

It’s ridiculous, and I am glad I have the self-control (even though it;s hard sometimes) to not go overboard with it. I don’t want to be dealing with the headache of an outrageous monthly bill for such minimal things. But I know I have to stop that if I am going to get my own house and keep up with the neccesary bills.. Heat and water and phone bills are definitely more important than lacy bras and juniper breeze lotion.

February 27, 2008

I’m never too old for field trips.

In an attempt to spend time with Tink after such a hectic few weeks with having to do homework when she is here, I decided to take her to the pet store. She was excited to say the least.

Yay!

We spent most of the time watching the puppies. There were so many of them, but she sat in front of the boxer and fluffy white dog for the longest time because they were both pretty obnoxious and kept jumping on the window at her. Amazingly, she was the only kid in the store, and people were walking over to see what the squealing was about, which she would do every time one of the dogs jumped. It was cute.

Tink and the dogs.

Then after a quick trip around to see the birds, rabbits, ferrets, hamsters, and fish, she was tuckered out and ready to come home. I promised Ashley and Mark that we’d come home alone, with no new pets in tow. But it was so hard when as we were leaving, she says “I want a puppppppppppy!”

Maybe by June, for her birthday, I can have them talked into letting me get her a hamster.

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February 26, 2008

Home sweet home.

I’ve thought many times about moving out, getting my own place, maybe even buying. I always talked myself out of it, telling myself to wait until after college or wait until I get a job. Plus I never wanted to stay in Topeka long after graduation so there was no point in rushing into a committment of housing that I knew wouldn’t be lasting.

I saw a billboard a while back about lofts in downtown. I never imagined wanting to live downtown, never had the thought even cross into my thoughts until I saw that billboard. I finally looked at the website. And now I am in love with the idea. They’re beautiful (and almost just like the condo that I completely fell in love with in Branson). The realtor, head renovator, and I have discussed it even, and since all the spaces aren’t filled or renovated yet, they said I could probably buy the space and then work with the designers to layout the loft just the way I want, ensuring that the kitchen and bathrooms are completely accessible. It makes me want it so much more! I have the excited tingles just thinking of it.

Staying in Topeka wouldn’t be so bad because it’s a good town to start in, get experience in my field, and build myself up for the idea of going to Denver, if I should still want to.

A place for myself is something I definitely want. And sometimes it’s something I desperately need for my own sanity. Lately I feel caged, like I can’t go anywhere without somone hovering. If I had my own home, I could crawl in bed, close the blinds, and turn off the phone for a while so I can just relax with some quiet.

I am not sure if I’ll actually decide to buy a loft there, but the opportunity to design it myself…with the designers and their obvious great taste and abilites…is almost too good to pass up! I’ll keep the updates on this coming.

February 25, 2008

Thoughts.

–I am scared to look to see if my history test is graded yet. I worked hard on those essays, but history isn’t my best subject. It’s just boring to me, and it seems like we’ve been learning the same thing since middle school, just more detailed with each year that passes. I hope I did well.

–My head is killing me, and I really hope I am not getting the flu. Everyone else has had it and luckily, it seems to have skipped me. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

–I saw Heather yesterday at the Sprint store. It was one of those times when I just wanted to hug her and hope that she’ll be okay. I don’t think I could handle the loss of a friend/cousin the way she did.

–I need a break. Really, I am exhausted.

shack

February 24, 2008

New phone.

Occasionally I spurge on something for myself, probably more often than I should. In the past year, I’ve bought a laptop (my beloved Macbook), a DV camcorder and all the video editing programs for my computer (which I don’t use nearly as much as I should), and entirely too many clothes.

Today I went and bought a new cell phone. I knew I had a $75 discount for having my old phone for more than a year, and I decided to use it.

I love it so far.

February 24, 2008

Sunshine.

I’m only half the woman I wish that I was. There’s still so much for me to do in my future.

And today is one of the days when I am really excited about it.

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February 20, 2008

I’m not an inspiration.

Really, I’m not. But in the past 5 days, 3 different people have said that I am.

I just do what I do to be happy. Wheelchair or not, I am a happy person, and I wouldn’t want to be any other way.

I try to help out when I can. I know that different situations require different attentions and sympathies, but in a lot of cases, people just need someone to talk to, to encourage them and reassure them that life goes on. Never have I gone into a situation thinking “Oh, I’m going to make a difference in this person’s life.” In fact, if I did, I should feel guilty because doing something for someone, only to get personal satisfaction is very selfish.

Today I met with Gunner Kelley and Joe Becerra, whose 17-year-old daughter Samantha was recently in an awful car wreck. Judging from what I have heard of her injuries, this girl shouldn’t be alive, but yet, today is the day she comes home. I remember seeing the wreck on the news a few weeks ago and thinking that it sounded so much like my own wreck. Eerily similar.

I think her dad needed to hear (and see) that it is possible to make it through a catastrophic injury and still lead a normal, healthy, fulfilling life. A few times I saw tears. In a way, I am happy that her dad wanted to meet me. In another way, I don’t want to be the one that people look to be their example. I don’t want that pressure, but I am also happy to help any way I can. It’s another of those back-and-forth situations for me to be in.

I just hope the best for this little girl (weird to say that, but really she seems so young to me). She has a long hard road ahead, and probably a lot of physical pain that could send her into deep setbacks. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen though.

February 19, 2008

Espanol.

Occasionally while listening to my iPod, a song of Shakira’s will play. Now, please understand that even with over 12,000 songs, a Spanish song definitely sticks out. I have to thank my high school Spanish teacher for igniting my love for Spanish music and encouraging us to learn it, even if we didn’t always understand the meanings and translations.

The one I am listening to right now “Que Me Queres Tu” I can understand (and actually sing the entire song). It’s been a long time since I last heard it, and still I know the words.

I should get back into Spanish again. I haven’t totally lost it, but without Tomasa, my favorite little Spanish speaker, it will be different.

February 17, 2008

It was as good as I’d hoped.

All the worrying about Lindley not liking his present was for nothing, as I should have known all along. He loved it.

So I’m sure you want to know what it was, right? Well, I bought a Postsecret book, and after writing my own secrets…or otherwise random things about me that he didn’t know about me…I stuck them between the pages. I think he really appreciated the thought behind it, and that he is now the 2nd person in the world to know those things about me.

It makes me smile to know it meant something to him because it meant something to me too.

February 17, 2008

In repair.

I jinxed myself. I should have known that even mentioning TM would somehow mean that I’d be seeing him soon. It always happens that way.

He drove by today, and of course, I just happened to look out the window to see him glance at the house. His truck still has that same rumble that had been comfortable at one time. I could fall asleep to that rumble, just like the trains that I can hear running down the tracks at night.

Is it so bad to miss him after all the bullshit and hurt that we experienced at the end? Should I really want to be friends with him again? I know I shouldn’t, and most of the time I don’t. He isn’t what I want anymore, but sometimes I just think about how good things were before, how we used to laugh. And that’s when I miss him. Even though he did some seriously hurtful things, I cannot deny that he was once very important. He was more important than he’ll ever realized, and I wouldn’t dare admit that to him now.

Maybe they’re right when they say you never quite get over your first love. And yes, two blocks is too close.

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February 16, 2008

Kicked in gear.

For the past few days, I have had a surge of energy to workout. When school is in session, I don’t have the free time to workout like I should, but I have decided to change that. I am going to schedule it in, just like I were going to class. It’s not like I am out of shape. I could even gain a few more pounds and still be too skinny, but I am looking forward to getting the defined muscle back.

Bring on the weights!

February 15, 2008

Oh how I missed you.

As if there wasn’t enough Camp Anawanna’s Donkeylips in the world…we have Amp to thank for bringing him back.

February 14, 2008

Foxy lady.

Usually I am responsible about money. I get my bills paid on time, and I try not to spend over a reasonable amount on stupid stuff. I save that money for the bar, and even then I don’t spend very much.

So when I dropped almost $200 in Victoria’s Secret, I was definitely splurging. It’s not unfathomable to spend a good deal of money there because when bras are priced at $40+, the bill adds up quick.

I doubt I’ll have buyer’s remorse for this one though.

*evil grin*

February 14, 2008

Rekindled.

When I agreed to write the story for the yearbook this week, I started and it was just doing Regina a favor. But soon I realized again that writing is still a passion. When I don’t feel pressured and obligated to go out, interview sources, and get the story, I really enjoy doing it.

In every writing class I’ve ever taken, the stress of my other classes and deadlines overwhelmed me, and in the process killed the enjoyment of writing. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to pursue a career in any kind of journalism because it simply wasn’t fun anymore the way it had been. It had become a chore, a pain in my side, just another assignment to put on the list of a million other assignments I had.

It has brought a new motivation to offer to help the newspaper and yearbook when they need it. I think it could do both of us a favor.

February 12, 2008

Not a new feeling, just refreshed.

For the first time in a long time, today was a sunshiny good day. I didn’t accomplish much besides paying a few bills and getting shopping done, but I have had a good feeling. A feeling like good things are on the horizon, and I haven’t felt less stress in the past few weeks.

It reminded me of part of a song from West Side Story.

Could be!
Who knows?
There’s something due any day;
I will know right away,
Soon as it shows.
It may come cannonballing down through the sky,
Gleam in its eye,
Bright as a rose!

Who knows?
It’s only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Under a tree.
I got a feeling there’s a miracle due,
Gonna come true,
Coming to me!

Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something’s coming, something good,
If I can wait!
Something’s coming, I don’t know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!

February 11, 2008

Love-ly day.

Valentine’s Day. In so long, even though I’ve dated guys over the past few years, I haven’t had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. This year is different, but really, I’m not excited. It’s never been a big deal to me, but it’s nice to think about.

February 11, 2008

Of course, it’s a night class.

Eric makes me smile. Especially when we’re in Biology, learning about the molecular bonds of water, and he nods off about 20 times, startling himself awake each time. Hilarious. And only he could pull it off in a suit.

February 9, 2008

Balancing act.

Finally, I am feeling more caught up in my classes. I have only 1 more chapter to read for psychology before the test, a lecture, although long, for history, a chapter for law, and a chapter for biology. Of course, it sounds like a lot just then when I typed it, but it was considerably a longer list yesterday. I want to get to the point where I don’t have to worry this week, especially since I agreed to write a story for the yearbook for Regina. It really made me feel good yesterday to receive her email asking if I had any time to do the story. I guess I needed a bit of an ego boost after such a long week. It’s going to be nice to relax and see friends tonight!

February 9, 2008

Here’s to wishes that never came true.

So Lindley’s present is done. Wrapped and ready to go. It is officially the 9th, meaning he is 23 now. Old balls. (jk Lindley if you’re ever reading this.)

More than anything, I am nervous now about giving it to him. I might not give it to him before or at the bar. Maybe I’ll make him wait til Sunday, when I know he’ll be sober and can appreciate it so he won’t completely think it’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever had. More than likely, that will be the plan. I told him to expect something totally sappy and cheesy (which is my specialty when it comes to him). He laughed, just like I knew he would.

I have to admit that even though Lindley and I have been friends for most of our lives, the past 2 years have been the hardest of them all. I should’ve known a long time ago that when you fall so hard for your best friend, it’s going to change things. In many ways, it made our friendship more solid, more real. I never felt that I could tell someone EVERYTHING about me or the way I was feeling until that time. He’s seen a lot of my tears about things that I never would talk about with anyone else, but I could trust him with everything. In other ways, it made me jealous, and that is something that I did not like seeing in myself. I feel that I am a pretty good girl, a girl guys would love to take home and say “Here she is, Mom.” So when we decided that nothing was going to progress (for various reasons), and I saw…or heard…of other girls he was dating…or whatever…I couldn’t help but wonder what made those girls better than me. I’ve never been the jealous type, and I don’t like that I felt it.

Over the past few months, I’ve gotten over it, moved on, and thankfully found Nick. Lindley and I have gone back to just how we were. He is still pretty much the only one I talk to about ‘heavy’ stuff. Who else would listen to me cry for an hour about missing Carmen? He would, and he did. I appreciate our friendship probably more than I have ever appreciated any relationship my entire life. I think there’s always someone that each person in this world hangs onto for support and love and advice. For me, that’s Lindley. The someone I have, but don’t really have at all.

I hope my life doesn’t turn into My Best Friend’s Wedding in 5 or 10 years. That’s one Julia Roberts’ role I would rather not have.

February 6, 2008

For you.

I wrote a letter to you today,
a letter so long my hand cramped
and the nail marks of gripping my pen so tightly
are still visibly red on my palm,
a letter so full of emotion the tears
could be shed from each stroke.

That letter lay thick, pages stacked,
on the nightstand near my bed,
my heart not strong enough
to let you know its secrets yet.
I read it again and imagined
what your reaction will be once
the envelope is torn open
and you scan the scrawled sentences
that make my heart scared.

My ink is dry now, permanent on the paper.
No going back now.

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February 5, 2008

Topeka.

Some things I LOVE about where I live:

–my family lives here
–my best friends live here
–gives me a feeling of security
–the bouncer at the bars know me by name
–traffic isn’t so bad (when you’ve been to a big city, you know this)

Some things I HATE about where I live:

–everyone knows everyone else…or they know someone who knows someone who knows everyone
–limited number of fun things to do
–people pop by unexpectedly all the time because they’re just too near to my house
–oppurtunities often await elsewhere
–there are fucking pot holes EVERYWHERE!

February 1, 2008

Love like this makes life okay.

I bought Ted Kooser’s new book today, Valentines. It contains 21 of his poems that he written over the past 21 years, starting in 1986 (my very first Valentine’s Day on this earth), one for each Valentine’s Day. He had these poems printed on postcards and sent to women that he knew, as well as random ones who signed up to receive one. His first, Pocket Poem, is by far my favorite. There are only a handful of poems that strike me but can still stay with me over time. I think this one will stay. It’s so simple, yet so beautiful and brings all the warm feelings in my heart out through his words.

Pocket Poem

If this comes creased and creased again and soiled
as if I’d opened it a thousand times
to see if what I’d written here was right,
it’s all because I looked too long for you
to put it in your pocket. Midnight says
the little gifts of loneliness come wrapped
by nervous fingers. What I wanted this
to say was that I want to be so close
that when you find it, it is warm for me.