Archive for March, 2008

March 31, 2008

A little pick-me-up…

The sky is gray, classes are stressing me, and I am super tired.  It’s one of those days where  it might seem gloomy & you can’t wait until the end of it so you can just lay your head on the pillow and immediately pass out.  

But on my way here (the library, my second home) I was able to have the biggest smile.While sitting at 7th and Kansas, waiting for the light to turn green, a little boy, around 3 years old, in the car next to me decided he wanted to play peek-a-boo with me.  Anyone with a brain should know that a little kid should be secured in the backseat in a carseat, but apparently this kid’s dad didn’t care much for that approach.  So he was in the front seat without even a seatbelt on.  Let’s not get me started on how ignorant and lazy people can put their own children at risk simply by being a lazy ass and not wanting to use a carseat.  That’s a whole different entry.

Anyway, he was so cute.  He kept hiding below the door window then popping up and waving his hands. When the light turned green and his dad inched ahead to turn left, he smiled really big and blew a kiss to me!

It’s the best kiss I’ve had all day. So far.

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March 29, 2008

Right here, right now.

The older I get and the more comfortable I am, the happier I am here.  I used to want out of Topeka, out of Kansas in general, so badly, but now I can almost see myself staying around.

That’s a weird feeling.  Content.  In Topeka.

In high school, it was a mortal sin to want to stay here to go to Washburn for college.  Anyone with a brain and anyone who was of any importance of course going to KU or K-State, or if they were ultra lucky and got scholarships, out of state.  My mind had been set on KU for years; I was practically born chanting Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

When the accident happened and things were sidelined for a year, priorities changed.  I was so ready to start over that Washburn seemed like a heaven.  I just wanted out of house and to be motivated again.  Moving to Lawrence to KU was definitely doable but not very practical in the situation I was in.  

Now I’m a proud Ichabod and can’t imagine finishing school anywhere else (but of course I still am a HUGE KU fan).

I was thinking earlier about how so many people’s plans didn’t go the way they expected.  Half of my graduating class goes to or has gradated from Washburn.  Some have bought houses, had babies, and been successful so far.  So much for going big and getting out of here.

Maybe as we get older (not that 22 is old, but I guess it’s more along the lines of growing up…) we realize that the dreams and plans and aspirations that we had when we were 17 or 18 just aren’t as realistic as we thought.  Partying isn’t all there is to life, and no matter where you are, the people can suck it up bigtime.

Happiness isn’t getting what you want; it’s wanting what you got.  And right now, having a normal life is sounding pretty good to me.  A glamourous job doesn’t seem so important.  I want a good man, to be a good wife, and to spend all the time I can with the little babies that good man and I will have.  

Considering my chronic indecisiveness, tomorrow I may feel differently.  But for today, being where I am, on the road to having all that one day, is good enough for me.

March 29, 2008

ruff ruff.

Lately I have really been missing Rusty and Roxy. They were such good dogs, and the house is sometimes pretty lonely without them. Tommy and Sheila (our neighbors who we’ve known forever) just lost their dog, Missy, yesterday too.  That dog was almost as old as I am.  I guess it kind of rekindled my missing of my own doggies again.

But I’ve been looking for mini yorkshire puppy breeders, but the closest I can find is two hours away. I can’t even begin to tell you how badly I want one of these dogs. I know I can’t get one just yet; I’ll have to wait until I move out because with Dad’s emphysema, he just can’t handle the dander and stuff.

I saw an ad in the newspaper this morning for a yorkie (not a mini), but of course she was gone.  I don’t even know why I called, but if she had still been there, I’m pretty sure I would have gone to see her.  I’m so setting myself for heartbreak on that one.

Soon enough though….I’ll have one.

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March 27, 2008

when studying fails….

play with Photo Booth on your computer.

(I can’t read another page about divorce rates or intimate violence.  This psych class is actually kind of depressing.)

pbsesh

March 26, 2008

a-freaking-men.

I was pretty confident going into the law test the week before last, as I’ve already mentioned.  When I got there, things didn’t look too good though.  I never knew 10 pages of questions could be so intimidating.  I made it through, but I left the room 2 and a half hours later literally sweating.

I made a 94% biatch!! I cannot believe it actually. Good random guessing on the case studies did a huge part in that. I am pretty sure the confidence I had about it may have played a part, but I know I’ll be prepared next time too.

Such relief.

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March 26, 2008

future husband.

Okay, maybe only in my dreams.

This is the crappiest picture of me ever, but I guess I can wait for wedding portraits. At least David looks good, cocked eyebrow and everything.

David and I

March 24, 2008

Hippin’ and hoppin’.

I am in such a good mood at the moment for absolutely no reason other than I can be (even though there has been a few stressful things going on, but I’ll go into that tomorrow).  The weather was beautiful today.  My bio professor gave us a take-home test over material I don’t really care to have a real test over to save “precious class time.”  Lupe Fiasco is filling my ears and making me shake what I can.  And I am very much looking forward to this weekend.  All homework WILL be done, and partying will be happening (okay, I know I said I was calming down but it’s Lindley and Aaron’s LAST weekend at the apartment!).

I only hope this keeps up all week.

March 22, 2008

fair warning.

Sometimes I feel like I censor myself here because I know that aunts, uncles, cousins, etc might be reading and be offended by some of the things I say.

Well, from now on, I’m not doing that anymore.  I’m giving you whatever is on my mind, good or bad.

March 21, 2008

Calming down.

Friday night.  With me at home.  I know; it’s not a usual situation.  From now on though, it might just be happening more often.

I have to stop spending money whenever I get a whim.  That’s all there is to it.  I mean, I’m not broke by any means.  Being in the right vehicle when you break your neck pays off pretty well actually, but it’s not like I have a hunk of money sitting in my hands.  It’s all in the bank, which makes it hard to comprehend that it’s really mine.   And anytime I call and get some out, usually for no good reason other than to go shopping, I feel so guilty afterward.  So I avoid it.

In the next few months, I have things I want to buy (a computer, a car) so I am saving the money I do get to use for those.  Buying them impulsively, with the reassurance that a check from my trust will be paying for them, is too easy, and it isn’t making me practice any self-control whatsoever.  I might as well start using my head now, instead of waiting until all that money is gone and I am forced to actually budget things better.  So my weekends might start to get pretty boring.  Going out costs far too much to be doing it at the rate I have.  Plus besides some good memories, a hangover, and an empty wallet, I don’t gain much from partying.  It wouldn’t hurt to spend more time studying either.

(There is one exception weekend though.  April 25-26, 2008.  The 5-year anniversary.  It’s on a Friday night/Saturday morning so you know it will be a craaaazy time!)

March 19, 2008

Favorite person of all time.

Lindley. He really is my BFF.

Lindley amd I

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March 17, 2008

Mean streak.

I really only have time to say that I feel vengeful today. Somehow he thinks it’s okay to end it without an explanation and that I should just deal with it. Well, I already dealt with it. I’m amazingly fine about it actually. But I still want a damn explanation.

March 14, 2008

Six words.

Not committing to anyone except me.

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March 14, 2008

Been too long.

If there was something I could wish to do today, it would be to go biking, despite the coldish weather. I need to feel an ache in my legs today, the ache of them being too tired.

I really miss that feeling, sometimes more than I even miss the walking, running, biking, dancing, or standing that would make them tired.

Next month (42 days to be exact) will mark the 5 years that I have been paralyzed, and I am having mixed feelings about it. I always have mixed-up feelings around this time. I haven’t quite decided whether celebrating or mourning is what I want to do. 5 years. It seems like it’s been forever, but on the other hand, it feels like I haven’t had time to sit around and be depressed, which is absolutely a good thing.

I imagine how different life would be, but I can’t picture my life without some of the things that my injury has brought me. The friendships, the experiences, the strength, the willpower, and the persistance to get what I want done, done. Mobility would be awesome, and of course, I would give almost anything to have it back, but sometimes when I look around, I see so many unhappy people. I am so appreciative that I can have a genuine happiness in my life, even if I can’t walk.

Life at ass-level isn’t too bad as long as I make the best of it.

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March 13, 2008

Yes, I saw that.

Watching the guy at Sonic fall off the curb as I was driving by was the highlight of my day, possibly even my week. I hate to say that others’ humiliation is sometimes what makes me happy, but it does.

March 12, 2008

Bringing it back…

with an old(er) song.

March 11, 2008

Reflection.

I was reading through my notebook from the last 2 years and just thought I’d share a few things I found still important to me. I always save everything I write to remind myself of where I was and where I am headed. Most of them were written about two very important people, one of whom I don’t talk to anymore & the other who is still very much a huge part of my life.

    • You don’t even know who I am. You lost me a long time ago. (October 2006)
    • When I said I wanted nothing to change, I meant I wanted everything to change. (February 2007)
    • I still smile when I think of you, and that’s enough for me. (January 2007)
    • Love is the way you look at me, the way I look back, the friendship we share, and the laughs we’ve had. It’s a feeling people look for and sometimes never find. We are lucky to have shared it, and even when things don’t go as planned, it’s always there. (July 18, 2007)
    • There’s nothing like a sore stomach from laughing for all the right reasons.
    • I’m holding myself back
      on purpose. I am living
      without you to see how long
      you can live without me. (August 2007)
    • It’s all got to mean something
      because if this is all empty nothings
      then nothing is what I’ll start to give
      and your everything will be gone. (September 19, 2007)
    March 11, 2008

    In times of need…

    I can always count on my friends to get me through. Beer and laughs about old times after a horrible night in biology was exactly what I needed.

    I love you guys.

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    March 10, 2008

    Looking forward.

    When things get rough, you have to keep finding things worth smiling about.

    This week:
    -I am totally prepared for the law test on Wednesday.
    -Getting the credit cards paid off!
    -Finishing history reading and getting the essays started.
    -SUNSHINE and 50-60 degree weather!!
    -Aunt Elaine and Aunt Arlene are coming.

    Next week:
    -SPRING BREAK, which means sleep and lots of lounging.
    -St. Patrick’s Day, green beer, and a rowdy good time.
    -Partying with Jen, who always guarantees fun.
    -Shopping, hopefully.
    -Time for myself.

    March 9, 2008

    So we’ve come to this.

    Nick and I are done. After a long week of not seeing and barely talking to each other, I think we both realized that it just wasn’t going to work. I tried to text him last night, but not surprisingly, he didn’t reply for about 3 hours. And when he did, he was breaking up with me. How lame. A text to end a relationship. How very adult of you. That part pissed me off.  I’m hoping he was drunk to do it that way.  Or maybe he thought I was going to cry and he didn’t want to see that.

    We agreed that we’d still be friends. It’ll be awkward, but I can deal with that. I didn’t really want it to end in such a weird way, but it did. He really is a great guy who has a lot to offer, and I am no one to judge him because he confused or whatever. I’ve been there, in this very same relationship, and I can’t blame him for doing what he felt was best for him.

    So I don’t know why I am so upset about it then. Maybe because he beat me to the breaking up part. Maybe because I thought it would work out and be fine. Maybe because I really did care. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter now I guess.

    Onto the next target…

    March 7, 2008

    Feeling like a freak on a leash.

    I need to refocus. I’ve been stressing too much about getting homework done, not spending enough time with Nick, internships, family, and life in general. I feel a bit like a muzzled mess, and tonight I am just going to curl up on my bed and read. My mind needs the relaxation, and my body needs to get prepared for a great “sister night” tomorrow that Darcy and I have planned.

    March 6, 2008

    Blast from the past.

    What do you not want to see on a good day of shopping in Kansas City?

    Your elementary school gym teacher working the toll booth on the way home.

    Yes, Mrs. Sauls. Second in line to the meanest woman at Quincy behind Ms. Helms. When I pulled up to the toll booth and realized it was her, a laugh actually escaped my throat. For one, I could not believe that I was seeing her. Second, I couldn’t believe I was seeing her working in a toll booth. I was still giggling as I handed her the ticket and the $2 and reached for the extra 35 cents.

    She didn’t recognize me, not that I would expect her to. It’s been 13 years since I saw her.

    A toll booth. It’s still making me laugh. Karma came right back up and bit that mean woman in the ass.

    March 6, 2008

    Separated at birth?

    There’s that whole height thing, but does size really matter?

    Matt Roloff
    Roloff

    Simon Cowell
    Simon Cowell

    March 5, 2008

    Pretty distant for no long-distance.

    My mom says I am fickle.

    I say I just move on after the first disappointment. No need for round 2.

    Nick and I have had a good relationship, but I just don’t want to be in a relationship when I don’t see him. It’s not even about being confused anymore. It’s about having a boyfriend that I never see, and he doesn’t seem to care that much about it. When I just getting to the point of being mildly comfortable with the idea of a boyfriend too.

    I haven’t even seen him to talk to him about this. Sad, I know. Maybe he doesn’t even realize that I am feeling this way, but I think that I have dropped enough hints for him to catch on. I even told him last night that I would call after class tonight to drop by. But when I called, no answer. No call back. I mean, if that’s not clear enough, then I don’t know what is.

    But, of course, guys can be dense. We’ll see what happens, but this isn’t going to work the way it’s going right now.

    March 5, 2008

    Night-capades.

    I’ve been having weird dreams lately. It’s probably from the utter exhaustion that I feel when my head hits the pillow every night and the lack of motivation I have had lately. I always seem to have better dreams when things are stressful and out of my control.

    First, the other night, I dreamt that I arrived at a whorehouse. I know, crazy, right? Well, wait, it gets better. The whore in this dream wasn’t just any whore. It was Morgan. Yes, Morgan from grade school, the first boy I ever had a crush on. (I am laughing right now as I am typing because it’s just to ridiculous.) Girls would go into these rooms, small rooms like at a doctor’s office, and wait for him to come in and do the deed. Somehow I ended up in one of these rooms, and yes, I was waiting naked. When he got there, of course he was surprised to see me. Who wouldn’t be? The girl you’ve known and gone to school with your entire life doesn’t just show up at your place of work/pleasure and want to have sex. Well, not this girl anyway. It was a weird feeling too, because I am pretty sure that even though it was a dream, I wanted to have sex with him in it.

    It was one of those dreams you wake up from and are just laying there in awe, wondering why the hell you even dreamt about something like that in the first place. But you kinda like the awe feeling too. How utterly confusing. And competely weird.

    Last night’s dream wasn’t about sex. Unfortunately. :) I was at a house, which I knew was mine but I don’t recognize it now. The carpet was white, and my kids were there. Two kids, girls. One was about two, and she had gorgeous light brown curls clear down her back. The other one I couldn’t describe because I don’t remember what she looked like. Somehow the army, who apparently was fighting on our land at this time, raided our house. I grabbed my girl, and just held her, with my hands clasped against her ears so she couldn’t hear the rustling and yelling of the soldiers. I distinctly remember one telling me “I’m going to kill you in 10 minutes.” My little girl fell asleep as I held and rocked her. Then a man in civilian clothes came in and told the soldiers “Good training, boys. Let’s go.” TRAINING! I felt the relief just overcome my body as I relaxed with the girl in my arms. I gently sat her on the floor because she had woken up, and she started playing with a toy telephone.

    I think dreams tell something about you, your life, or something you are trying to avoid in your life. I’m still trying to figure these two out, but I do know that they both had such strong emotions in them. It’s rare that I awake and can still feel them so strongly. It’s been days since the first, and something about it is still with me, which is confusing.

    One of my favorite things about dreams, mine anyway, is the fact that I am walking in them. Usually the people are aware that I have been paralyzed at some point, but I am walking all the time. I think that Morgan was so surprised in that dream because he not only was unsure of what to say because of the situation but because he expected a wheelchair. I can still see the shock on his face, and I wish someone else could see it too. It was quite hilarious.

    I just love going to sleep to dream.

    March 3, 2008

    Biology–the longest 3-hour class of my life.

    On days like this, I don’t care if I go to class with my hair a mess, no makeup, and in my favorite slickies and hoodie. I just want to go, take the test, and come home to sleep.

    Unfortunately, the professor has a different idea.