Archive for April, 2008

April 29, 2008

Flashback.

Thanks to Lenn, I had the best laugh of the week on this one.

Senior winter formal. 2003.

I definitely vote Eric (center, back row) as most changed. He looks completely different now!

Man, that was a gooood night!!!
wow

April 26, 2008

4.26.08

Most people don’t remember what the significance of April 26 is, unless it comes up somehow and I explain it. For those that do remember (and understand), it always makes me feel better. So there might not be a more perfect day to get flowers. For me, anyway.

This year, the fifth, has been the easiest of them all. TM (with whom I have reestablished a friendship) sent me flowers, and it was completely unexpected and greatly appreciated.

Flowers

And the note.
Note

He did good this time.

I was thinking about Hilary, Dade, Emily, and Troy last night. It’s been so long since I have had any contact with any of them, and I probably should make that more of a prioroity for the next year. They are good people, and I still appreciate their effort to contact me after the wreck. Who would have guessed that people on opposite ends of a wreck could become friends?

April 24, 2008

Slowly selling your soul away.

This place is full of indistinctions,
brimming itself until they are forced
overboard, splashing upon the pure,
and falsifying all I have known true.

Drowning you, continue.
Lies slip from behind your teeth
easily, rising toward the surface,
ready to pop, small and round
like the air escaping the dark of the deep.

Your eyes, cloudy through this
murky confusion created with only
the hesitation of your heart,
stare emotionless as the words
bounce effortlessly from my skin.

You could be easily saved,
if only you wouldn’t want so badly
not to be.

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April 24, 2008

To my dearest Cole.

Three years. You’ve missed so much, and still, you have been here for everything in our hearts and on our minds. Wherever you are up there, I hope you’re proud of the things we’ve all accomplished this year. You’re a part of each of them, friend.

I miss you so much. And this song still reminds me of you.

April 22, 2008

The world is sweeter now…

…thanks to Maria and the fact that she finally had her adorable baby boy, Tommy.

Maybe I’m biased because Maria is one of my best friends, but really, this kid is one of the cutest I’ve ever seen.  I’m so happy for her and Tommy (baby and daddy have the same name) and big sister Angela.

Baby Tommy

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April 21, 2008

A little of this, a little of that.

I’ve been making a habit of the good days.    The weather has been nice, which makes things easier.  Today especially, I felt…..oh, how do I say it…..beautiful.  Not that I don’t any other day (wow, that sounded conceited), but it’s true.  

After that short bout of stress and anxiety, I was starting to feel a little down on myself.  Finally, I have come back to the self I really know.  Having that sense of confidence back is a great feeling.

I was talking to a friend a week or so ago about confidence.  She argued that most girls or women feel at their best when they are in a relationship.  While I don’t disagree with her, I know that I am just not one of those type of women.  I don’t need a relationship to make me feel good about myself.  If fact, I have learned that I feel my most confident when I’m not in a relationship. I know, a lot of people think that’s weird; that the comfort that a boyfriend brings should make me feel secure and beautiful.  It does.  But not as much as when I feel independent and free to do what I want with no questions looming from someone else.

And that is how I know I’m not even ready for a ‘real’ relationship at this point in my life…..no matter how much I care about (someone), I’m just at a selfish place, and I am pretty sure he is too.  If in time, things are different, then maybe there would be a chance.  Now, there’s not.

And I am okay with that.

April 18, 2008

I told you this is ridiculous.

Actually, today is mild. Usually there is a Frapuccino and Rice Krispie Treats too.

I got my psych quiz done and turned in. Now onto law case reports and history essays. Oh joy.

home sweet second home

 

April 17, 2008

A day for dramatic music.

I feel at times like I just have to write something, even when I have absolutely nothing to say.  Nothing important, anyway.  Today is an uneventful day.  I spent until after noon, woke up, and have done nothing productive since.  I should be reading for my psychology quiz that is due tomorrow, but I just can’t seem to get motivated to do it.  It’s rainy and completely gray outside, which makes me want to crawl back into bed to nap, but Tink has claimed the bed for her own so she can watch Bambi for the 500th time.  

I’m ready for next week.

April 16, 2008

So much for studying.

I hardly ever come to the public library, and now I remember why.  I’m in the “reading room” at this very moment, where it’s supposed to be quiet for the people working/reading.  But someone has a kid just old enough to say “NO!” outside the door, screaming its head off like a monkey without bananas.  And the guy at the table next to mine is totally looking at a nudey magazine.  I glanced over only to see time it was (since he’s sitting near the closest clock) and I see some tig old bitties staring at me from the page he’s reading.  What the hell!?  I know the public library doesn’t have a “private room” so I’m thinking he should have just kept his porn at home!  

The security guard is totally cute and fun to flirt with, but I am so out of here before I get molested or something.  

April 14, 2008

Beautiful boy.

I bought this book by David Sheff a few months ago and just now have gotten around to reading it. I have only read about 15 pages so far, and for half of them I’ve cried. The premise of the book deals with the author’s son’s addiction to meth and the way it rips his (along with his family’s) lives apart.

I don’t think I have to say that I cried because when I was reading how this man felt about it, it reminded me of so many things I have thought and felt about my own brother’s addiction.

I feel like there is no end, only short breaks in between the weeks of use. I have learned to recognize when he’s high, how long he has been on that high, and when he’s coming down. I know that when his skin isn’t gray and sunken in around his cheeks, he hasn’t done any drugs for at least a week. When he gains weight and sleeps on a normal schedule, he is doing okay. When he’s not mean, he is straight. And when he is being the funny, loving brother I know he can be, everyone enjoys being aroung him. He is a great person–when he hasn’t slipped back into the drugs.

I don’t understand it, and I suppose that’s why it’s so frustrating for me, as well as my brothers and sister. He can go months without it. For a while, he was hanging out with me and my group of friends every weekend. We would go out, dance, laugh. Some of my girl friends even liked him, which I’ll admit was a little awkward at first. I know he’s a likeable guy, but he’s my brother. Weird.

(Here we are on a good night with my friends.)

Me and Donnie

He always goes back though. It’s not even a question of if he’ll use again, it’s only when and for how long. I think that we have given up the hope that he’ll ever get off of them, well except for my mom. I think she feels like she isn’t doing enough to help him, but I don’t think there is anything more anyone could do. It’s up to him. He knows he could do it if he really wanted to. Rehab didn’t work, however many times he has been there, because I believe he didn’t want it to. He’s not done yet.

I know he uses it as an escape, or at least he did at first. He doesn’t realize that hunting accident and Misty dying aren’t what ruined his life. The way he dealt with that entire situation and the drugs he used to rid himself of those guilty feelings are what has ruined his life. I really think that before he can get off the drugs, he needs to confront the situation. This is starting to sound like an episode of Intervention, but really, he needs to deal with it. It’s never going to go away or change, and drugs won’t change that. I even have trouble remembering what he was like before the accident. It’s been that long.

Is it bad to wish that he would just do something to be sent back to prison? I think he is safer there than he is in the real world. I don’t even feel guilty for saying that because quite frankly, it’s the truth.

I’m anxious to read the rest of the book to compare Sheff’s view to my own. And I want to try to understand my own parents’ feelings. I think they feel helpless in the situation, but somehow we all just go on and most of the time ignorantly avoid the fact that the situation is even as drastic as it is. It’s scary that it could, and probably will, kill my brother. I am usually called the bitch about it. But it really scares me. Being a bitch is how I deal with it, I guess. This is something I can’t control and can’t fix.

Either way, he’s my brother, and I love him regardless.

April 14, 2008

Stream of thoughts at 2 a.m.

I hate it when I am lying in bed in the dark staring at the ceiling, and my mind just keeps running.  Late at night is usually when I seem to make the bigger decisions in my life.  I have the peace and quiet to actually absorb everything, instead of hearing the constant chaos that is my life.

I realized that lately everything has been so stressful and hectic that I am wearing myself down.  The last few days haven’t been too bad because I forced myself to take a break (literally, I did no homework for 3 days straight!) to breathe.  Before that though, I thought I might completely shut down or die of exhuastion, not exactly a good feeling.

But tonight, I just told myself that no matter what, I am slowing down.  Life is too short to worry about small things.  I can handle a little stress, but overloads aren’t good.  Prioritizing things differently might help.  School is always number 1, but Betheny is right.  It’s not everything, and I don’t have to have a perfect GPA (although I wouldn’t mind a perfect GPA if it wasn’t so hard).  I cannot believe there are only 4 weeks left in this semester.  Only 2 more semesters to go!!!!!

Also, along the lines of “life is too short” again, I feel like I should go for everything I want.  Without holding back.  I don’t want to go through the next 10 years afraid of being hurt and avoiding showing someone (yes, that someone) my real feelings.  He already knows, he’s always known.  But I told him a long time ago when maybe it wasn’t the right time.  Now is the right time.  I would definitely regret it if I don’t make sure he still knows, and I don’t want to look back and wish I had.  Everytime I’m around him I can be myself and say anything and be happy or sad or unsure or crazy.  He takes all of me, good and bad.  I told myself that I was past the desire to have anything other than a friendship with him, but now I am realizing that I’m probably not.  It’s the way he looks at me.  And the way he watches when other guys are around me.  Maybe it’s just me, hoping.  Maybe he doesn’t feel the same as he did when he said he loved me, but then again, maybe he does.  I think so, but I am going to find out because I need to.  When I look ahead, I could see myself with him.  But if not, I know, and he knows, that we’ll always be good friends.  I can’t imagine life without him, no matter what relationship we have.  And believe me, there are very few people that I can say that about.

I know now, too, that maybe the relationship with Nick an unconscious attempt on my part at distracting myself from wanting the other one.  That is so shallow of me, but looking back, did I really think Nick and I would have worked out?  No.  I don’t know why it lasted as long as it did.  We were completely different, and even though I did care about him, it wasn’t like I should have.  I think I held back with him more than I would have had things been right.  And if you read this, I’m sorry, Nick.

So besides a confusing love life (or halfway-existant love life, I guess) I’m just ready to start new with lots of things.  I am excited about my weight lifting class, which is going to force me to keep the motivation up, and my Colorado trip this summer.  I miss the mountains.  I plan on going skydiving sometime in August (hopefully for my birthday) and spending lots of time at the lake.

I have a feeling that this summer is going to be a good one.

April 11, 2008

He said it just right.

I’m reading Chuck Palahniuk’s Invisible Monsters and just found something that he wrote very interesting.

“Who I was before the accident is just a story now. Everything before now, before now, is just a story I carry around. I guess that would apply to anybody in the world. What I need is a new story about who I am.”

I have felt this way before, and never could come up with the words to describe it. But this sums it up. In exactly 2 weeks from tonight, I’ll be paralyzed for 5 years, and I am still trying to figure out what and who I have become. I am a lot closer to it than I was even last year, and who knows where I’ll be next year. I thnk learning to live life in the present, while not dwelling on the things I miss, is becoming easier than I thought.

April 11, 2008

Spent too much money.

I went shopping today, as a treat to myself for all the stress that has been surrounding my life lately.  Kansas City has far better malls than we have so I decided to go to Oak Park.  I spent far too much money at Abercrombie, but I love that store.  I couldn’t help myself.  Besides buying clothes, I figured since I was already there I might as well buy a new bottle of perfume.  It’s just not worth ordering online and then paying an almost $10 shipping fee.  I loooove that perfume though.

After I left there, I somehow ended up at the Great Plains Mall.  I usually don’t go there.  After the episode of the homeless man following me around for an hour in the book store a few months ago, I tend to stay away from there as much as I can.  So anyway, I wandered through Steve & Barry’s.  Something caught my eye.  A picture of Sarah Jessica Parker on the wall.  It took a minute to figure out that her name was actually on the clothes beneath the picture.  Since when does she design clothes?  (Or put her name on clothes other people are actually designing, whatever).  It makes me laugh because she is famous for being Carrie Bradshaw, the woman who will spend hundreds on a pair of Manolo Blahniks, and now she is selling clothes plastered with her name for less than $10.  Aw, what a wonderful life she must live.

Shopping was what I needed, and I feel a lot better.  Until I see my credit card bill next month, I suppose.

April 10, 2008

First place!

My story on Rwanda won first place in the feature writing category for the KACP. How exciting. And a big thanks to Regina for sending it in.

I have to admit that I was proud of this story, but I didn’t think it would win anything, let alone first place! It almost makes me wonder just how many people submitted stories.  

Things are on the uphill again.

April 7, 2008

Rock Chalk Jayhawk!

My boys are NATIONAL CHAMPS!  Memphis put up a good game, but it was our time for a championship finally.  I almost had a heart attack until my (Super) Mario Chalmers hit that last 3-pointer to take it into overtime.  I am proud to be a Jayhawk.

April 5, 2008

In other words.

Our lives are entangled,
blindly, accidentally,
like the unsuspecting insect
fighting for mercy
in the stickiness
of a spider’s web.

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April 4, 2008

bad news.

Uncle Galen passed away this morning.

They say that bad things come in threes. I’m sure that this is number 38,427,848,764 for the past two weeks, and I think it’s about time someone else takes some of their own bad stuff.

April 2, 2008

again.

I wish I had my camera with me.  I’m at the library (have been for a few hours) and it seriously looks like I have moved in here.  Only 1 more month before I can be done with all this (for a few weeks anyway)!

April 1, 2008

Near misses.

I have always been weary of other people’s driving since my car accident, and the past two days have proven to me that I am right in doing so.  

Last night as I was on my way home from another hellacious Biology class, I was driving past Gas N Shop, home of the greatest biscuits and gravy in the world (seriously, that shit is good).  I saw a tow truck, backing up toward the street.  I figured whoever it was would brake, wait for me to pass, then continue to back up into the street.  Well, that might have happened IF ANYONE HAD BEEN IN THE DAMN TRUCK.  Some genius must not have put it in park when they ran into the gas station, and it was rolling backwards into a street with pretty steady traffic.  I had to jerk the wheel left into the turning lane to keep it from t-boning me.  It scared the crap out of me.

And today.  Some old man with an obvious case of road rage cut me off twice on the bridge coming home.  I don’t know what he was so upset about because I didn’t do anything that should have ticked him off.  But whatever.  He sped up both times and cut so close the second time, I had to slam on the brakes.  I should have just hit him and then let him explain to the cops why my van’s front end ate the ass of his truck.