Archive for May, 2008

May 29, 2008

Buffin’ up.

Tomorrow, I’ll be sore and achey.  But today I felt great.

For the first time this week, we actually lifted weights in my weight training class.  I exercise, but it was a good workout to use the machines that actually can challenge me.  I did 40lbs on the bicep machine!  I am actually looking forward to this class now instead of dreading the next four weeks. 

Plus one guy in there is not bad to look at.

May 29, 2008

No waiting until tomorrow.

Sometimes I open my eyes
and am not ready to start the day.
My eyes are too heavy,
my body still aches with sleep,
and there are things coming
that I know I don’t want to face.

I want to roll over,
sink back into my safe pillow,
and get back to dreaming.
But I get up anyway.

Sometimes a part of waking up
is making a decision to have a good day,
even when bad things are headbutting you
as hard as they can.
Sometimes we can’t wait
for the happiness to find us.
We have to find it
when it might not be visible.

May 27, 2008

I found my Rooster….

When I worked at McDonald’s prior to my injury, I was the best drive-thru girl they’ve ever met. Not bragging, just stating facts. (grin) I always had my favorite customers, the ones who came through so much that I could have their order rung up and total waiting before they even opened their mouth at the speaker. I still know my little old lady White’s order, 5 years later!

Anyway, today while I was out buying my camera, I ran into one of those favorite customers. Rooster. I always called him that. He’s an elderly man, and always ordered just a large Diet Coke.

$1.87 at window 1, please.

The very first time I met him, he was driving his silver Toyota Tacoma and he had a cage in the back. With a huge rooster inside. I remembering laughing and asking why he was riding around town with a rooster. Apparently, it had been a present for his granddaughter’s birthday. I told him I hoped she liked it, and he assured me, laughing still, that she would. From that day on, he was Rooster.

In 5 years, it seems his health has declined quite a bit, and the smiley pep he had has wavered. It was kind of upsetting to see what 5 years can do. It was good to see him though. He said he always wondered what happened to me. He joked that he figured I had run off and eloped with some wild boy I met in the drive-thru. I just laughed and said “I wish that’s what happened!”

Good ole McDonald’s. Making a difference in people’s lives. (ha)

May 27, 2008

Daddy’s girl.

Mark and Makinna

He’s my little brother.
She’s his little girl.

Something about this just makes me very happy.
To see him happy and her happy, it’s a great thing.
She definitely loves her daddy.

May 25, 2008

One year old.

She might be the most adorable birthday girl I have ever seen.

And she loves chocolate cake. Obviously.


May 23, 2008

Because I should.

I’ve wanted a DSLR camera for a while, but I never seriously thought about buying one until recently. I found one at Wolfe’s that I really like, and am hopefully going to splurge on it before our trip to Colorado in July. I am usually an impulsive buyer. I get an idea in my head and within 2 days I have whatever it is that I want (example: that damn DVR camcorder that I didn’t need). That’s just me. I can sometimes talk myself out of something (I did this for a few months before I went and actually bought my Macbook). But I figure that I really want a DSLR and I am going to get one. I know I’ll use it regularly, and if I can afford it, why not? I might as well.

I’ve been researching them like mad, and I am going to get a standard camera for now. Eventually I’ll probably get another lens, as I figure out just what works and what doesn’t fit what I want. I’ll probably end up with a Canon Rebel, which has great reviews and is said to be a good starter camera.

Be looking for pictures soon…..

May 22, 2008

Spill on aisle 7.

I am sitting here in my room, completely bored out of my mind. Seriously, a few minutes ago I was looking around trying to find something, anything, to do. I’m not in the mood for reading, which is odd. I could be getting ahead for the summer classes, but we all know my love affair with procrastination. Browsing through Facebook is old. MySpace is always boring so I haven’t signed in there for oh, about three days either. I am even too dry to write, especially since everything that I have written lately is so bland. I need to wait for a creative spell to try anymore of that. So here I am, on my trusty ole blog.

With so much time to myself, I’ve been doing a lot of that thing I hate: thinking about schtuff (my new fav word). Nothing too important. Just about why I am so guarded all the time and why I can’t seem to be on the same page as any of the guys I date. One of us is always leaning toward a real relationship while the other is ready to run for the hills. And I was also thinking about love in general. How can I be so sure that I even know what it is? That I have really ever felt it and had it returned. Really. The strongest thing I have ever had with someone was with TM. That much I can say for certain. And sometimes I question whether we care(d) about each other or if we had become so dependant on each other and the safety net of our relationship that neither of us were willing to admit that maybe it wasn’t right. Because really, it wasn’t right. I know that now (and now that we have settled on ‘friends’ it’s easier to discuss this stuff with him). So if wasn’t a real love with him, then I definitely know it wasn’t with anyone else that I dated. Of course, I love Lindley, but that’s different. We’ve known each other for so long that we share a special friendship, but he and I don’t have a ‘real’ relationship that would qualify us as a couple, pretty sure we never will. Perfect example of the ‘not on the same page’ scenario with he and I. With him, I have realized that there is a difference between loving someone and wanting to be with someone.


This is what happens when I have too much time. I spend it asking myself the most contradicting, confusing, mind-fuck questions that I can’t answer. I feel like I’ll never figure myself out. My sister still thinks that eventually TM and I will stop being stubborn and get back together. She’s wrong. I’m not being stubborn. I’m being right; right about the situation and how I feel, and I feel that I don’t want him. I have that much accomplished, and my sanity is thanking me for it.

Where is this amazing adventure my horoscope must have lied about??

May 22, 2008

American Idol has taught me….

–Paula is either a drunk or a tard. Plus an attention-whore. I don’t get her at all.
–Randy is almost as annoying with his fakeness and completely unbeliavable gangstaness. He just makes himself look like an ass imo. Give up the bad persona, please.
–I kinda like Simon. He is a little bit charming. (But then again, we all know I tend to like jerks.)
–Even the greatest singers can be awful performers.
–TV does David Cook no justice as to how hot he is. tee hee. I know Kristi will agree.
–The ensemble numbers are awkward because no matter what it’s not somebody’s style.
–They need to fix their audio. One minute it’s too quiet, the next the blaring music about deafens me.
–I probably will never watch it again.

May 22, 2008

2008 American Idol

David won! I mean, my David won! Cook. I still can hardly believe it!

Kristi and I texted back and forth for the entire pre-show and actual live taping. I don’t think I ever texted so fast. How exciting! He definitely deserved it. I’m so proud of him!!!

May 21, 2008


(I originally had the formatting different for this poem, but I can’t figure it out on WP. I’ll try to fix it tomorrow.)

Let this moment be the one you see,
the one you feel,
the one you yearn to return to years later
when everything else feels jolted.
Let this moment be your happiest
and allow me to be a part of it.

May 21, 2008

home isn’t always where the heart is.

When the Big Apple took a little bit of you,
I didn’t feel so guilty
about giving a part of myself
to the mountains.
When I see you missing the bright lights,
I imagine my fresh air and snow-capped horizon.
I miss my place, the way you miss yours.
Compromise leaves us here
stuck in the middle
of a geographical game of tug and war,
leaving tiny bits
of each of ourselves unfulfilled.

May 20, 2008

for today.

I am living the only way I know how
doing the best with what I have,
loving those still who I have lost
and moving towards the future
with bright eyes and a wide smile.

May 20, 2008

struck treasure.

As I was lazily browsing blogs last night, I happened upon a new one.  And it made me feel a little bit poetic.  So just to warn everyone:  I’m on a writing binge and you all are the ones who might suffer.

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May 20, 2008

Good day. May 19.

–I saved a bunch of money on books for my summer classes because not only did I find them all used, but the bookstore gives back money now. Who knew??!


–I had extra money (because of the books savings) and I bought a new pair of sunglasses. And a pair of earrings. And pants for my weight lifting class. It was so nice to have a (small) shopping spree.

–I haven’t been stressed so today just seemed very easy. Nothing was pressured or hurried or had to be done on time to move onto the next thing. I love it.

–Finalized plans for Colorado. Well, mostly. It’s a big relief.

–The weather was gorgeous.

–Finally (because of such gorgeous weather), I was able to wear my cute capris and top and feel great about it. There really is a confidence that goe along with feeling beautiful. When school is in session, I have been known to go to class with no makeup and in my favorite jeans and hoodie. It’s what I do. There’s nobody to impress when you’re in college–well at least, not to me. If they don’t understand that I am a jeans and tee kind of girl, then they aren’t gonna like me no matter what I wear.

–We had dinner together (me, Mom and Dad) and it was fun. Sometimes it’s nice to have real conversation without the kids or anyone else around. Plus I can talk to my parents about stuff that nobody else wants to hear. I hope this summer holds many more of these dinners.  After dinner, Mom and I went to Walmart.  I’ve never laughed so much in a Walmart in my life.

–I am very much looking forward to sitting in the sun with my book tomorrow to get some color!

May 18, 2008


“A fun new person will enter your life and you will embark on an exciting adventure together.”

I certainly hope this is true because I am ready for something new, something exciting, and something adventurous. Now that everything else has been established as solely a friendship and will be nothing more than that ever again, I am excited about moving on.

This is going to be a great summer.

May 16, 2008

Throwing it away.

Maybe I just want him back to tell him that I don’t want him. I go from missing him to complete disgust when I picture his face. His smile still makes me feel good, but it isn’t the way it used to be.

Maybe I just want him to hug me so that I can push him away. I want him to want me as much as I used to want him.

Being friends is working, for now. I like having the friend back; the friend I really did miss laughing with. But I don’t know how long that will last. I don’t know how long it’ll be before something along the lines of a lost relationship comes up in conversation.

I’ve decided this is the last chance. If such a friendship doesn’t work, then to the trash it goes.

May 13, 2008

Finally finals.

Only one more essay and a law final to go.  

My stress level has gone down by about 200%, and I have been feeling good.  Not even any weird crazy panic worry attacks.  

I watched the Labyrinth today, and it made me smile.  I can’t remember a time when watching that movie didn’t remind me of being a kid and being scared of David Bowie.But man, I loved Huggle. 

I’ll write more when I find some time after the next few days. 

May 10, 2008

I have amazing friends.

I opened my email today to 6 new messages. 5 were MySpace notifications, and the other one; well, it made my day. Apparently, a good friend on mine read this poem and emailed me with a small note about how it reminded him of me. It really is the small things in life that make a rainy day happier.

what makes you stand out in the crowd

is not the abercrombie hoodie,
or your angled bangs,
or the cheerleading trophy on the shelf,
and its not your new phone,
or how many i tunes are on your ipod,
or the sweatpants you have from PINK.

what makes you stand out in the crowd is the way
your smile has the ability to melt snow.

and how you are really really kind to
the girl everyone else makes fun of.

and how you do little things like
leave a note for your mom telling her
how much you love her.

what makes you stand out in the crowd
is that your heart has room for those
who are different,

and the compassion you have for the
lady bug trapped inside the window,

and how you always find away to include
the one who isnt feeling so included…

i hope you always remember it is
the beauty of your heart which makes you
so outstandingly amazing.

–Jen Gray

May 7, 2008


Last semester was hard on me; there’s no denying that.  I was under so much stress toward the end that I literally felt like I was falling apart.  Thankfully, this semester was much easier, even with a lot of work to do.  But any college student knows that the last 2 weeks before finals are usually the most stressful, fast-paced, and nerve-wracking of the entire semester.

I have been working like crazy, reading history lectures, textbooks, and bluebooks for papers, essays, identifications, and quizzes.  And that’s only for ONE class.  In between, I have to study for biology, psychology, and law finals.  I know that procrastination is a problem, but right now, I am consciously trying to keep myself on task and motivated to finish everything this week.  Or at least by Monday.  

I know that the stress has been getting to me again though.  I realized that something happens to me when I get stressed out.  I worry a lot.  It’s not a small worry; it’s like I am so paranoid about everything, right down to the most ridiculous things.  My mind creates these situations that could happen, and then I am so nervous and sick over them that I can’t get rid of that feeling until I absolutely know it couldn’t happen.  

For instance, on Sunday, we went to Sharkey’s for Aaron’s birthday.  Rick showed up with Josh, and we all had a good time.  When it was time to leave, Rick said he was going home because he had to go to work the next morning.  The problem:  Rick lives an hour away, on a dark, lonely highway that heads south to Emporia.  He had mentioned that he had seen like 10-12 deer on his way here.  Any other time, I wouldn’t have even thought twice about it, but the fact that it was in the middle of the night made it different.  I made him promise to call me when he was halfway home (to make sure he didn’t fall asleep).  I was a nervous wreck for 45 minutes until he called.  My stomach hurt and I just had all these different scenarios of what could happen if he hit a deer, went off the road, or fell asleep.  I didn’t feel better until I knew he was in his driveway and going into the house.  

There have been other instance also.  I won’t go into them, but worry like this isn’t normal.  It can’t be.  It’s a mixture of nervousness, worry, paranoia, anxiety, and tension.  I recognize that things like this only happen when I am feeling stressed and under pressure, but I don’t really know what to do about it.  

I think that it directly results from my wreck.  (I know, I know, talking about that again.)  But what else could it be from?  The wreck was completely unexpected and serious, and now I worry about similar things that could potentially happen to the people I care about.  It literally makes me feel sick.  

I haven’t talked about it (yet) to anyone.  I don’t really want to worry my parents with it; I’m not sure that they (or anyone) could understand it anyway.  I talked to my doctor last year about my stress, and he suggested making more time for myself, aside from anything that pertained to school.  I did that, and it definitely helped.  I felt less anxiety.  But the more the happens, the more I am inclined to think that I should talk to him again.  Feeling nervous all the time isn’t fun.  It sucks actually.

We’ll see what happens.  

To be continued…..

May 6, 2008

Studying hard or hardly studying.

As I am taking a break from reading the most boring shit in history about history, I’ll give this a quick update.

I haven’t had much to write about lately.  Well, actually, that’s a lie.  I have things to spew about, but I don’t have the time or the energy to sit here and type them out.  I spent much of the weekend out with friends, and needless to say, it wiped me out.  Papers, essays, and finals are upon me, and they have been occupying much of my mind.  In a way, I can’t complain.  It keeps me busy, and busy is good.  But busy also takes away precious time that I could be spending with my people.  I sit here studying and sometimes wonder where the time is going.  I mean, it’s nearly 11 p.m., and just 10 minutes ago it seems, I was sitting here watching Jason Castro completely murder a perfectly good Bob Dylan song.  That was almost 4 hours ago!

I can’t wait until next week, when finally I’ll have a chance to breathe.

May 3, 2008

It happened again.

I hate waking up with that “Man, I really miss him” feeling. It’s always from a dream I’ve had, and it’s an almost fake yearning. You can miss someone that is real, but you can’t miss something that never happened.

Last night, I dreamt that I was somewhere with Nick; I think it was his apartment, but I’m not sure. Anyway, somehow we ended up talking about why things didn’t work out, and then he hugged me, for a really long time. I always loved those hugs, the ones that I could just fall asleep in because it was so cozy.

It’s been almost 2 months since we broke up, and I’ll admit to missing him. It seems that the more time goes by, the more I miss him; it should be the other way around. But I don’t think I miss the love relationship we had. I mean, we all know how that turned out. I miss the friendship we had. He was smart and funny and easy to talk to, the kind of friend I want to hang around. I probably shouldn’t have let it turn into something more than it was because now, we don’t even talk.

But oh well, I guess.

We live and we learn. And then we dream.

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