Archive for July, 2008

July 27, 2008

rough but beautiful.


Mount Cavalry Cemetery, July 2008

Love gets rusted over and worn down,
hard and resistant to the most gentle of actions,
even enough to make us hopeless
that it could ever be what it once was,
like calloused skin that only requires a little bit
of extra attention to return to its smooth silkiness.

It isn’t until love has gotten so far gone
that we miss it, and want it back.
Only then do we appreciate the comfort it can give us
and the happiness that sings to our heart
when we look at that one person,
the only other one who can hear the same song.

Advertisements
July 22, 2008

small bravery.

there was so much riding on this–
and with only a small nervousness
she backed herself into a corner
and wept away the boulders
that had settled themselves onto her tiny shoulders
then emerged with red-rimmed eyed
and an immensely lighter heart.

working on herself, she knew,
was the only way she could help her
work on everyone else.

who says you can’t make a difference in the world?

July 21, 2008

unimportant life lesson.


If God was going to take people out of our lives,
at least he made waterproof mascara.

July 21, 2008

crushed.


There isn’t much to say about the situation, I guess. Joe Bob was shot, murdered even. I didn’t really expect for it to hit me the way it has, but I feel such a huge disbelief and sadness about it. I haven’t been able to really write anything about it yet, besides the last small poem entry about a conversation Mom and I had the other day, because I was still trying to figure out just how to feel.

It’s not like we were best friends, or that I saw him that often. I mean, he was bullheaded and opinionated and sometimes arrogant, and we usually ended up arguing anyway. But he shared an experience with my brother that deeply affected both of our families. And for that I think we all (or a few of us, anyway) felt a tie to him forever.

It makes me feel sick to think of him dying on a cold bar room floor. And for nothing. This shit is only supposed to happen in movies and on tv, far away from my friends, my family, and my home. Reality decided to slap us a good one, and I hope it wakes some people up about the way they live their lives. He wasn’t an angel, and he never would have claimed to be. He was a person though, a son, father, brother and friend, and no matter what he did, he didn’t deserve to die full of bullets.

I’ll be fine and don’t really need any words of encouragement. I worry about my brother though. I am afraid he’ll feel “alone” in what happened to them that night and dive even deeper into the guilt he’s been carrying around for all these years over Misty’s death. That’s a scary thought. It’s one of those things where you don’t think it can get any worse….until one day it does.

July 19, 2008

discussion in the van.

I tried to hide the creak in my voice,
but with the swift turn of her head,
I knew she caught it.

But thankfully she let the silence
linger in the air,
long enough for the tears to force themselves down,
pooling for a different day.

July 16, 2008

future class clown and heartbreaker.


Miss Serenity

When times seem gloomy, all she has to do is shriek her little “hello” to brighten my day. She knows just the funny face to make me laugh, and she can always sucker me into watching Strawberry Shortcake DVDs , even though they make me want to pull my hair from my scalp. With bright eyes and an innocent little smile, she can get me to do pretty much whatever she wants.

She is a handful, with a craziness all her own, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m sure the rest of the family feels the same.

Even at three years old, she is one of the most beautiful souls that I have ever had the pleasure of encountering. I can’t imagine what life would be like without her. Through her surgeries and recoveries, she remains the strongest, most exuberant little girl, and I am honored to have her call me “Aunt Carrie.”

July 14, 2008

hangman’s break.

If only I could hang
my fears from a rope
swinging gently, lifeless
against the dead of tonight.

Fears banished, doubts gone
free to live, free
to feel with a smile
carefully curled up on my mouth.

Sky blue days, evenings
from a postcard, I would live
abolishing all apprehensions
of a future with you. You alone

with me. Forever, we’d be
perfect, perfectly happy, completely
I could love you,
if I killed my fears.

Tags: , ,
July 14, 2008

lately.

In the massive amount of free time that I have had the past week, I have done quite a bit of writing.  I never used to want anyone to read anything that I wrote that was too personal, but I have been feeling more confident lately about my writing and have let a few people dive their heads into my two latest notebooks.  Between the scribbles and doodles and nonsensical jargon that I have developed for myself are many of the emotions that I have felt in the past few months, and as a few people know, most of it has to deal with a break-up, of both a romantic relationship and a few friendships, and a make-up of a past relationship.  

So I have more tears and smiles in those notebooks than anyone has seen.  And I have decided that I may post a few things from them.  Feel free to comment and criticize.  I can take it.

July 8, 2008

a familiar old flame.

My love affair with Denver, and Colorado in general, has again been rekindled. I love the air, the mountains, the traffic, the atmosphere, the true blue sky, and the people. And I love the feeling that I can start completely fresh here, a new story instead of the same boring one that the Kansas me lives everyday, even if only for a week this time.

Each time I come here, no matter how short a visit, I can see myself staying, and while I’m here, that thought doesn’t scare me.

It excites me.

Here’s to looking forward to a short week of good times and good laughs…

July 6, 2008

always the most important man.

dadlaughing
Yesterday was the first family gathering without Uncle Galen, and without anyone needing to mention the fact that we all felt it, it was different. Everyone was running around, skating, playing horseshoes, laughing and having fun. But it was missing something, or rather, someone. Aunt Edna was her notorious strong-hearted self, and all of her and Uncle Galen’s kids acted as the normally did. Well, until it was time to leave.

Sycamore Springs is a generally happy place, but it was bittersweet for our family.

Becky, with kids in tow, was going around, saying her goodbyes. She made her way around the circle and came to Dad (my dad). I wish that I had a picture to show of how much of a resemblance Dad and Uncle Galen had; with only weight the difference, they could have been twins. She hugged him and immediately turned away, and right away I felt it. It was like a huge cut through the air; finally someone was expressing the way that everyone else had felt at least once during the day. I saw tears in Dad’s eyes too. When she turned back, wiping her eyes, I teared up too. It’s only been a few months since he passed away, and I think that familiarities between my dad and her dad just made her give way to being strong.

I haven’t ever been very close to her, not as close as I have with some of my other cousins, but at that moment, I just wanted to hug her and make it easier for her. I have never known that pain, of losing my father, and I fear the day it happens. It makes me feel queasy just thinking about it. With his breathing problems, he has scared us before, and even that is a feeling that is so awful it is physically painful. I realize how lucky we are to still have him here, and it made me want to make the most of every minute we have from now on. I don’t tell him near enough that I love him, and I don’t spend near as much time with him as I used to.

I think that if I am anything like any of my family members, I am most like him. Outspoken and usually stern when I believe something to be true. I am a perfectionist and am the one who people come to to have something explained, like algebra or anything dealing with complicated situations.

I want to memorize every deep wrinkle he’s earned from years of working in the sun, every picture of him playing with the kids, every laugh and glare he’s ever given me. I fear losing him, but I fear losing the memories of him too. I don’t want his face to fade in my mind the way people sometimes fade.

I remember being little, just learning to read and spell. He would go to bed early because he had to get up at 5 a.m. for work. I would get done watching tv and go lay in bed with him, and he would give me words to spell. It took me 3 nights to get ‘window’ right. Why I specifically remember that word, I don’t know. But it was our routine. Dinner, tv, spelling words. We watched wrestling and still laugh at how fake it always has been. We watched NHRA, which we still do. And we always have Red Sovine’s song “Daddy’s girl” to remind us of when I was young and would dance in the kitchen listening to it.

I wish that something such as seeing Becky hurting so bad about Uncle Galen’s death wouldn’t have had to make me see just how lucky we are to still have Dad’s company around, but I plan on making the most of it while we do.

July 2, 2008

boom.

Of all the people I expected to tell me that they were going to be having a baby, Brostie would have been the very last. But apparently expectations are meant to be broken, just like rules. He and his girlfriend, Dawn, are pregnant. And I couldn’t be happier for them.

Brostie is one of those guys who probably would scare any girl’s dad if he showed up to take her out, but he really will make a good dad. He’s definitely grown up the past 2 years and knows that the mistakes he has made aren’t ones he’ll continue to make in the future. And he is genuinely excited about having a child. I think that shows a lot.

July 2, 2008

mess.

ineedaspa

That is what my life is right now.  Chaotic and stressful, even though things were supposed to be settling down after summer classes let out.

I have been trying to saturate my brain with everything that these SLR books have in them, and although I am learning (and re-learning everything that I have already been taught in the 2 photography classes previously), I wish it all just came naturally.  I mean, I have a lot of ideas about what I want my pictures to look like when I see something worth photographing, but it’s been a long time since I had any experience with a camera of this kind.  The more I do it, the better I’ll get though.  Hopefully.

I’ve also been trying to get everything planned for Colorado.  We’re not staying as long as we usually do, and there are more things I want to do than time we actually have to do them all.  Narrowing down the list is disappointing, but by the end of the week, I hope to have an itinerary to follow while we’re there.

And while we’re talking about messes, my room is a disaster.  If I had yellow tape, I would put it up around my door.  I just have too much stuff for the space I have.  I looked at a house on Sunday, but have decided against looking at it again.  It’s cute and close to my parents’ house, just in case.  But it’s small too.  I mean, if I am gonna make the effort of moving out and settling in somewhere, even if for a year or two, I want it to be big enough yet cozy enough to be ‘home.’  So I’ll just keep on waiting.  Living in a cluttered room.

Tomorrow, or later today depending on which time zone you’re in, I am going to continue reading the SLR books in the sun and generally being lazy for the afternoon.  I am looking forward to it.