Archive for September, 2008

September 29, 2008

entering the next phase.


September 28, 2008

I always feel that when a change in seasons is upon us and the weather begins to change, that a certain kind of cleansing happens. A cleansing that allows us to get rid of the bad or angry feelings, any stress or negativity from the season before, and start fresh.

Even though the weather is still somewhat summery, I have felt that change happening in me this weekend. I relaxed. I read a book, for fun. I emailed an old friend, using my extra few minutes to make sure he knew I missed him instead of slaving over the things I should have been doing. I always get a sentimental feeling about seasons changing, because there will never be another spring of 03 or summer of 08, etc. I package them in my mind and try to remember things that happened by the month. It doesn’t always work, but I try.

This fall I am looking forward to the breezy air, the smell of dusk and stomped-through leaf piles. I am looking forward to candy corn and little kid Halloween costumes. I am looking forward to times with friends and photo sessions (yes, I have people that want me to do portraits for them for fall!).

I am looking forward to it all.

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September 23, 2008

tipsy.

I am aware of the boundaries,
but for now I am going to pretend they don’t exist.
I’ll break them.
Explore. Run. Smile. Create. Love.
Just be me without consequence.

And even if everything goes wrong,
I’ll be happy knowing I tried.

Something in the sun makes me wild.

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September 21, 2008

sugar and spice.


my beautiful niece Makinna, September 2008

Lately I have been having very vivid dreams, ones that are so good that it’s a disappointment to wake up from. They’re the kind of dreams that leave that feeling in your chest of yearning, wanting it to be true so badly even though you know it can’t be, at that moment anyway.

Last night I dreamed that I had a baby, a gorgeous little girl, not much younger than Makinna is now. She had only a tiny bit of light hair and was just as delicate as every little girl should be. She had two teeth on the bottom and smiled so bright with the rest of her gummy smile, and she was the perfect shade of peach to complement any color.

It was odd, waking up with the feeling of utter joy at the thought of having my own baby. It also reaffirmed the confidence I have in myself that I am going to be a good mom. To have someone love you as unconditionally as a baby does is probably the best feeling I have ever experienced, even though none of the babies who love me are my own.

If only finding a decent daddy was as easy as loving a baby…….

September 15, 2008

but to hold you over…

I found this today in an older notebook, and it resonated with me again, in a way that I never meant them to, in a different friendship/relationship. I won’t explain the words, so you just enjoy them how they are.

gone fishing?

hook’s in, anchor down,
heart stolen, smile fixed.
Or so you think.
You’ve got me–true–
but there’s slack in the line,
dropping lazily with no reeling
to be done by your hands.

Before, you tried, you reeled
until the hooked snagged my attention
ever so gently, then
you settled for that, easy catch.

But easy catches release
themselves in time of no suspicion,
take themselves back
to the deepest part of the pond,
reluctant to follow any wriggly worm
that shows itself again.

So you’d better sit up and take notice
before you end up watching
for the movement of your next bobber.

September 15, 2008

ahead of the wave.

It’s Monday night.
And I almost done with everything for the entire week already!

If you can’t tell, I am super excited about this.
My journal and camera are going to become my friends again this week.

Be expecting new things.
Words and pictures.
Soon.

YAY!

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September 13, 2008

release.

Letting go really is easier than I thought.
But the fact that I haven’t had time to hang onto anything is a factor also.
I have stayed caught up on all of my reading and assignments for all of my classes,
and even had extra time to read Succulent Wild Woman by SARK.

This woman is phenomenal.
As I was reading, I dog-earred pages that I wanted to come back to,
to read again, to absolutely absorb the essence of that page.
When I was through, I had marked over 30 pages.
She just said everything that I have been feeling,
about being yourself and letting any hate or anger or bitterness or sadness go,
and if you can’t do that, at least try to.
She wrote about being wild and too much (not in a negative way, but a good way),
which sometimes I feel I am for some people, and embracing it.

I have been trying to do all of that,
holding nothing back and not apologizing for being just who I am.
In my mind, I’m moving on and growing up and expanding
and I have never felt better.

September 7, 2008

a few minutes extra.

I feel as if I repeat myself over and over again on this blog, and I am going to try to restrain myself from doing that today.

Today is being spent again in the library, working away on assignments and reading endless chapters of boring nonsense that I’ll never have to use again. Sometimes required classes for graduation are the most useless. Required classes should have some kind of impact on us, on our lives. For instance, Human Impact on the Environment. It may be boring, but it is important. Learning about how every move we make affects the world and its demise is actually helping me. I never thought I’d look at using electricity the way I do or put the van in neutral when sitting at a stop light to save gas. And this is only the 4th week of class. Art History on the other hand, well, even though some parts can be interesting, is just pretty useless to me in the grand scheme of my life. But I’ll get through it, because otherwise no graduation. And that means no party. And that just wouldn’t be fun.

Thanks for the small break, but back to work I go.

September 7, 2008

carved deep.

I’ve visited the cemetery more in the past 2 months than I think I have in the past 10 years. Joe Bob lies underneath this tree that Donnie etched in, and it’s the most sickening place. It’s actually really beautiful, but what it represents to me is sickening. How anyone can pump 15 bullets into a person and only get 2nd degree murder is sickening.

I’m still angry, I guess. It was so senseless. So stupid. So unnecessary. So cold. It doesn’t matter what he did.

Mostly it just doesn’t seem real.

September 6, 2008

finally going right.

This week was a hectic one, with yearbook deadlines and such. Plus I wasn’t feeling the greatest.

But somehow I managed to get everything done (and on time!), plus schedule time to paint and write and go shooting. I don’t know how it has been working out this way, how with more classes and commitments than any other semester, I have time for myself that I never had before. It doesn’t make any sense, except for the fact that I have cut out procrastinating. For the most part anyway; I did spent this evening painting/collaging rather than doing homework that is waiting. But that’s okay. It’s the weekend, and I needed a break.

I always heard that art can relieve stress. I knew writing did because that way my outlet, but since I have been been painting, I am a believer. I will be the first to admit that I suck at painting. I couldn’t paint anything recognizable even if I really tried, but I am learning that creating doesn’t necessarily have to be pretty. It doesn’t have to be anything. I just enjoy doing it. I’ll probably throw half of it away, but it’s fun and relaxing. Maybe I’ll take a pic of the stupid little collage I am making, just so you guys and girls can see.

I may have finally found an internship that I can enjoy! It’s at the public library in the PR department and is pretty much everything I want. Books, PR, non-profit, kids, intelligent people. When I saw the application, I literally sighed a huge sigh because it just felt so right. I am going to ask Regina to help me complete all the forms and such. I normally would figure it all out on my own, but I want to make sure that I have a really good chance of clinching it. I really want it. I won’t know until December probably, but I am just going to hope.

Missing my writing? Well, me too. I need to spend some time being creative with words, but the focus is elsewhere right now. I need to pull it back apparently.

September 1, 2008

short but sweet.

This weekend turned out to be one of the best in a long time. No drama, no worries, and lots of fun. We spent Sunday at Tim and Sandra’s for Allison’s birthday, and then I went with the crew out. I haven’t laughed so much in so long.

It felt good, and I am looking forward to more.

Letting go is easier than I thought.