Archive for October, 2008

October 28, 2008

floating.


Denver Aquarium

I am much better this week; the stress level is low (for the time being), and I am feeling much better health-wise. It’s amazing at how annoyed and aggravated I get when I am having to deal with a stuffed nose and raspy cough.

I talked to John J. tonight. It’s been quite a while since we have talked, and even longer since we’ve actually seen each other. Life just gets busy, and we lose touch. I miss him. He is one of those people who can push you through tough times because he’s just that way; he listens and gives advice. He and I developed a strong friendship when we were in rehab at Craig, and I can still count on him to be the same person I met then. I appreciate that part of him.

It reminded me that I really need to get a hold of the rest of the crew, so that’s the plan. We all need friends that relate to different parts of our lives, and they are the ones who saw me in my most vulnerable state ever. That is something that not even my best friends can say.

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October 23, 2008

lullabies and fairytales.

In the past two days, more baby talk has come up than you’d ever imagine.

First, Lindsay. She’s pregnant. Yes, I know! My own niece having a baby before me. Unbelievable, but amazingly exciting. It seems hard to grasp at first, that she is so young (18 is young to me), but I know, and everyone else knows too, that she is going to be a great mother. She has a lot of support and her baby is going to have plenty of cousins to keep him or her busy and happy.

Then I was reading the blog of a beautiful woman who has inspired me in many ways, and she and her husband are adopting a baby. They have been trying for their own for quite some time, but without success, they are adopting. Her writing of meeting the adopt-er parents literally brought me to tears. I think that it’s a big step: adoption. For all involved. There are many ways that adoption reminds me of a marriage. You are combining families. Even if they don’t stay in touch and never see each other again, at the wedding, they are all one family. It’s a beautiful thing. I know that this couple is giving her and her husband something, someone, that they will never be able to thank them for enough.

On CareCure, a spinal cord injury site I frequent, a thread was posted about the desire to have children. I know that an injury such as mine is such a life-changing and devastating thing to most who experience it, that if they haven’t had children, they seriously question whether they should. I am NOT one of those people. I am not going to give up the dream that I have of my own children, and I am not going to feel guilty about wanting them either. I think that some view it as somehow depriving a child of a normal life if one parent (or maybe in some cases, both) is disabled, liking cheating them of normalcy. This injury won’t ruin their lives because I haven’t let it ruin mine. I can have kids, and I plan on it. They are gonna be beautiful little squirts too. Hah.

All this baby talk doesn’t have me ready though, that’s for sure. At this very point in my life, I can’t imagine having one. I have a lot to do before that point comes, and when it does, then I’ll be ready. I’m not worrying until then.

And I’ll continue to spoil everyone else’s.

October 21, 2008

I miss you, love.

Since I’m in this mood lately, a somberness that really has enveloped me and my thoughts, I feel okay about admitting some things to the world, or whoever may be my readers. But as a warning to you, this is actually a whiny post. Press forward accordingly.

First, I miss love. I really, really miss love, having that feeling, knowing that someone else is behind me, supporting me and is completely on my team. I miss the good that it brought into my life, and the happiness that it made me feel. I miss really feeling like I had an importance in someone else’s life and wanting someone else to be happy, even if it meant more than my own wants. I miss looking forward to calls after work, and having a special ringer on my phone for just one person. I miss so much about it that I couldn’t list it all. The things that it made me discover about myself would never have been uncovered without it. I have had this yearn inside of me lately to feel that again. It’s an ache, and it hurts like a heaviness.

And once I acknowledged it, this welling of feelings came and now I know what is missing. How I have ignored this fact for the past weeks is not hard to see since I haven’t had hardly a free minute to myself to even think about anything.

I miss love. Even saying it makes the thought more potent.

I haven’t had that feeling for a long time, before everything with TM was tainted with injuries and a pregnancy, before we both tried too hard to fix what just can’t be. I loved him, but I hung on too long, just because I could. I know that most of the ‘love’ I have had since were just poor attempts at replacing him and what he gave me. Now that I don’t want him, moving on is the thing to do.

After this weekend, and the loss of a friend, I feel that I have to give myself that chance again. This friend’s fiancee is dealing with what I would never want to, losing him forever, but I also know that she wouldn’t trade this hurt over the love they shared either. Love trumps hurt, even if the hurt may last longer than the love.

I only have what I know and have felt.

It can be again for me, but I suppose I have to put forth an effort. I am trying really hard to have faith in the way that things are supposed to be, that serendipity truly is real and will take be where I should be. But this effort is starting tomorrow, even if it takes me forever to find that feeling again, I will.

It might take me 1,345,623,849 tries to find that one person who makes me love again, but trying is going to be half the fun. Crushes are just that, even with as much excitement as a crush brings, I am hoping a crush is what I turn into more.

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October 20, 2008

shimmer


Self-portrait, October 19, 2008

I need some inspiration,
some strength to pull me through,
and maybe just a hug. I need to feel something new.

October 16, 2008

Playing.


Tink’s silhouette

Tink and I had a small “photo shoot” yesterday. We were really just playing. She is really starting to love to see herself on the computer screen, and she loved this picture because “it’s just my body!” as she said. It was just the break I needed from everything.

October 14, 2008

hold up.

I am exhausted and in the matter of 24 hours or so, my life has gotten a whole lot more stressful. Yearbook stories aren’t working out, and are actually becoming more of a pain in the rear than I even wanted them to be. Honestly, I am kind of sick of it. I am going to get through this semester, and then see what happens. I might not be able to handle the frustration that it brings. I don’t like for Shalyn and Kori to be waiting on me to finish things before they can do their job. And I can’t finish the stories if people won’t call me back. Plus I have about a gazillion other things to do on top on yearbook. Seriously, I wanna rip someone’s head off.

October 12, 2008

upward

After a few days in a small, whiney slump, I am back.  I don’t enjoy moments of being pessimistic and seemingly depressed, and it makes me angry that I even get like that.  But then I think I am allowed some time to feel that way also, even if I scold myself for using any minute of the day on such worthless emotions.  So here is to the end of that!

This coming week is going to be a big one.  I am finally sending in the application to the library for the vacant intern position.  I really wish I could express how much I want this internship.  It’s practically perfect.  I was a little bit disappointed though when I read somewhere toward the end of the job description something about needing to climb stairs.  Well, obviously that isn’t an option for me because of my wheelchair, but I heard Dr. Barb’s voice in my head.  I could remember her distinctly saying “Job descriptions are describing what the absolute perfect person would be, not necessarily what they are expecting to hire.”  So I am going to apply anyway.  I have almost all of the other qualifications they are looking for, so I am confident that the fact that I cannot walk, or use stairs, will be something they are able to overlook.

I am itching to take my camera out and have some shooting time, but I have so much to do! I may just have to be patient until all the trees turn thoses gorgeous colors.

October 11, 2008

around this time.


Kansas, October 10, 2008

I remember when I first fell in love, and the weather on that day was just like it is today. We had to crunch through dry leaves on his driveway, and there was a big pumpkin on the porch. Fall felt good, and the wind smelled of that dry dust that comes with the need to rake.

I remember being young, and possibly too naive, but I remember that the feeling was by itself great. He had captured me after a few months of the chase, and giving in was the most spontaneous I had probably ever been.

I remember only wanting to be with him because he was in the plans for the future.

I remember that he was one of the greatest guys I had ever met, at that point.

His kiss on my forehead was all that I needed to smile, and I could sit without complaint to watch him slave away working on 4-wheelers. Spending time with him was my idea of fun.

I remember being in love.

October 9, 2008

eh.

Things have been slightly overwhelming lately.  This is the first week this semester where I feel slightly anxious about getting everything done on time (or not).  I had a prodcutive day today though, and am hoping for another tomorrow.

It always get crazy busy after the halfway point of the semester so now is the time to kick it in high gear.

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October 6, 2008

never ending.

If there is something that I cannot stand to see, it’s my friends being in pain.  It makes me feel awful to see them cry or needing to scream, or both.  It makes me feel bad too, because I am awful at knowing how to console them.  The words that I say never seem to be the right ones and no matter how tight I hug them, I always want to hug tighter.

Robyn’s dad was killed this weekend in a car accident (her mom was also injured), and as much as I dreaded going to the hospital when I got that call, I knew I had to. I knew she was going to need that support. While we were there with her, only 2 hours after the accident had happened, I felt a sadness that I have never felt before. For the first time, I saw exactly what scares me most about losing people close to me: a complete helplessness of not knowing what to do. All she could do was cry and try to distract herself by making sure that her mom was going to be fine (which it turns out that she will). Robyn is one of the absolute toughest people that I know, and I just hate that she has to go through this. I want to wrap her up in some special blanket that will shield her from the pain and grief that she and her mom are feeling right now. I want to fast forward five years to a time when things will seem easier. I wish I could just protect her from it.

Life isn’t fair sometimes. She just finds a great guy, who is probably the best match for her ever, and then this happens. Is there a balance that I’m not aware of? Taking someone away because someone else has appeared? A negative for every positive? Canceling things out to remain at neutral? Some would say that that is what nature would want (random balance), but it’s just not fair.

It’s only the beginning of the road for her in the process of grief, and all I can do is be there for her when she needs me. Let’s just hope that some of the words I have can ease something in her.