Archive for December, 2008

December 31, 2008

bring on oh nine!

It’s officially been a year since I started this blog, and time has crept apparently.  It’s felt like forever!  184 posts in one year.  Not too bad for being ridiculously busy and distracted a majority of the time.  It seems, though, that this is the place I escape to (or my journal, of course) when I need to have an “emotional outlet” about a situation.  I don’t tell many people about my feelings so this is my safety net, I suppose.  It’s been my favorite place for that too.  Real people have too many of their own opinions, but a screen that listens is amazingly objective.  Heh.

I am so excited to start this new year, moreso than I have ever remembered being anxious fora new start before.  I just know that 2009 is going to be the start of everything wonderful for me.

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December 24, 2008

buddies.

If these two ornery ones don’t make your heart melt, well, nothing will.  I still haven’t figured out what they were doing to produce such mischievous expressions, but that’s okay.


Caleb and Tink, December 23, 2008

December 21, 2008

I wasn’t ready for that one.

Usually nothing about being asked about my accident bothers me.  I would rather explain my accident and injury rather than have people stare and wonder.  It doesn’t bother to take a few minutes out of my time if helping someone understand something better is what is the outcome.  I wish more people would ask.

But when the one asking is my 5-year-old nephew, and he asks genuinely and quietly and really wants to understand, it’s hard to explain without choking up just a bit.  Caleb has always had a special place in my heart, and I think that it is obvious to everyone who knows us.  He was the very first good thing to look forward to after I was injured.  I had just found out that Sandra was pregnant just a few days prior to my injury, so his development was what I tried to focus on it while I was in rehab.  And he was born just a few months after I got home.  In some ways, I feel that as he grew, so did I.  He was just beginning, and I was just starting over.  We grew together.

Even now when I pick him up from school, he grabs my hand with his little hand and we happily go to the van together.  It’s just me and Caleb.  He doesn’t notice that some people look twice or hold their attention to me for an extra second, wondering about the wheelchair.  He just goes along with it.  We’re kind of a team when we are together, I guess.

I never really have thought about telling Caleb about my injury–or how it happened.  He has never known me to be able to walk, and I just accepted that as how it is.  He was always too little to understand, and I thought he was too little to put any of his own thought or curiosity into the situation.  I was wrong.  

Last night, he walks up, puts his hand on my arm, and asks with his dark little eyes “Aunt Carrie, why do you have to have this wheelchair?”  It caught us all off guard.  I didn’t really know what to say to him.  It isn’t just another kid asking; it’s Caleb.  I want him to understand what really happened, instead of just giving him some easy story to satisfy his curiosity for the moment.  I know he’s too young to really get it, but when he is old enough to, I’ll have to explain it again, better.  I told him it was a car accident, and it hurt me bad enough to make my legs not work.  He thought for a moment and then asked “But you got a new van already, right?”  Ah, so to him, the wreck was just like the one I had in November.  For now, that’s okay.  He doesn’t understand the severity of it, or the timeline either.  I don’t expect him to yet.  In the future, he’ll need another talk, or maybe he’ll ask more questions.  Whichever comes first, I’ll be more ready for.  I wish I had anticipated that he would want some kind of explanation someday.  After all, he never saw me in the hospital with a halo, in Colorado, so weak and sick that even doing the easiest daily things was a serious chore to do alone.  He doesn’t know that things haven’t always been this way.  

I don’t know why it affected me the way it did, why I was so upset about it last night the way I was.  But it did, and I was.  It just made me realize that the toughest people to make understand are the ones I want to understand the most.

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December 19, 2008

captured.

You caught me up in you,
and that’s all I wished to be.

December 16, 2008

home.


My house, and its surroundings. December 14, 2008

I have learned that some things aren’t going to go my way,
and some people are going to be harder to please than others.
It may be grey when I need sunshine,
and a frown has secured its spot where a smile should be.
I just go home, snuggle into a blanket, reach for a book, and
let it go.

It really is home where I can be myself,
with people who know me, love me, and help me grow,
even when they are the ones driving me toward insanity.

It really is the best place to be, and I wouldn’t choose anywhere else.
No matter where I end up in the future, whatever city, whatever state,
apartment, house, shack, or huge mansion,
the white house on the corner,
with windows too drafty in wintertime
and ceiling fans a-going all summer cooling hardwood floors,
in the neighborhood with streets named for presidents,
will always be home.

December 14, 2008

brrrrr.

This is why I have been shivering all day long!

weather1

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December 12, 2008

Twinkle, twinkle.

I felt aglow today. I felt good about finals, my internship, and life in general. I have the next five weeks off of school, and I intend to make the very most of it.

This semester was a tough one in many respects, but in others, I learned and grew more than I have in any other. I kept my procrastination completely under control, strived in experiences that I didn’t think I would even enjoy, and had more personal accomplishments. Before I had a general sight of what I wanted and where I wanted to be career-wise, and now I have narrowed it specifically and nabbed a chance to be a part of a great creative team within a great, community-based organization. I couldn’t even begin to describe just how excited I am to be working at TSCPL. I really wanted a job that makes me feel that I am doing some good in the world and positively influencing others. With this internship, even if some don’t consider PR/advertising very important, I do consider it to be. If the information isn’t out there about what services the public library offers, then they aren’t being put to use. And that’s not good for anyone.

On other fronts, this semester was full of ups and downs. Family, mostly up with the exception of Aunt Nancy’s cancer (which we still know very little about, unfortunately). I have this defensiveness about it, like if I don’t hear about, talk about it, or think about it, it might just go away. I know that’s not true, and it makes me seem cold at times, I think, because I just try to dismiss the subject altogether when it’s brought up. I hate it, and the further it is from my mind right now, the better.

Boys, well, that’s up and down too. There have been times when I am full of confidence and feel that I not settling for anything that is less anything less than what I deserve. Other times, I am so discouraged that I avoid conversating too much with any guy with potential because damn it, he might disappoint me too. Lately, especially, has been confusing with one guy in particular. I am seldom blown off, and yet this guy has done it 3 times. Now, I am not one to be waiting around and moping either. Believe me, I have kept busy to keep my mind off of him, but somehow he still is pretty appealing. I don’t want it to be the typical “good girl, bad boy” scenario where the girl tries to get the bad boy under her clasp and change him. Actually, he really is a nice guy. I wouldn’t kid myself if I didn’t think he was. But then there’s that book that told me “he’s just not that into you.” And when you think about it, that is most likely true. Hey, if he liked me, he’d wanna hang out, right? Either way, whatever. There are plenty of good guys out there, and I intend of finding a different one if this one decides to flake out.

My friends are fantastic. There never was a time when I imagined anyone other than the people I have known forever being my best friends, but the past year has changed that. A lot of people I have known only for a few short months know me better than anyone else. It’s great.

friendship

I am hopefully going to be able to keep this updated more often now, and the stress of school shouldn’t stifle any tiny parts of creativity I might be able to muster up.

December 7, 2008

Rearranging.

“The past cannot be changed.
The future is yet in your power.”
– Hugh White

How true.

I have felt very powerful lately.
And it’s invigorating.
I have got my goals in order
and am ready to set out into the real world.

I wish that I had more time to fill in the gaps that I have left here lately, but again, I only have a few free minutes to type something here. Friday is the last day of the semester so I’m sure I’ll be updating soon after.

xo!