Archive for March, 2009

March 30, 2009

getting through this.

Today was rough.

Today was the funeral for Greg and Chris. The entire situation is sad, and I am so sorry that their family has to endure pain like this. Jennifer is practically my own sister, and I hate that she has to live the rest of her life without either of her brothers. Megan, Anita, Robyn, Brittany, and I were sobbing messes, and the church was literally packed full. People were standing in the front and in the back, and there wasn’t an empty seat in the place. Over 800 people showed up yesterday from 2 to 6. 800 people! The Office was packed last night for their memorial also. I think that the attendance at these things just shows what kind of guys Greg and Chris were, how many lives they touched and how many people thought they were important. Father Tim was great. Usually I don’t like mass funerals because they seem very scripted and unoriginal, but he did a great job of conveying each of their personalities. He made it funny and personal. There were stories he reminded us of, and we actually laughed through tears. It was the best funeral I’ve ever been to—if a funeral can ever be good.

This experience has taught me a lot in such a short amount of time. It has shown me that some things in life are really so unimportant, like the Chad situation. As soon as I heard about Greg and Chris, that kind of dissipated and taking care of my friend became the only thing I cared about. Normally I would have wallowed in my own stupid pity and felt sorry for myself for a while. But really, it’s unimportant and dumb compared to what is going on with Jen. She needs friends more than ever, and that’s where I am gonna be.

March 28, 2009


I hate the dentist. The thought of needles going into the gums never used to bother me much. I had 4 molars pulled before I got braces, and then all 4 my wisdom teeth had to be surgically removed (yes, cutting the gums wide open!) so that they wouldn’t mess up the work that my braces did. I was used to the dentist and used to pain by the time I was 15.

Now, I hate everything about going to the dentist. And the doctor in general, I guess. I take good care of my teeth, although I do eat too much sugar and drink too much Dr Pepper probably. It’s time for that annual cleaning that dentists always recommend, and I am putting it off for as long as possible. I need to have it done though, and then I am thinking about setting up another appointment with my orthodontist. As much as I hate to admit it, I haven’t worn my retainers for almost 6 years. It’s bad, I know! I worn them every single night prior to my injury, but then it was just kind of a nuisance and side thought. It’s not the first thing that you think of doing when you’re laid up in a hospital bed with a broken neck. I regret it now. My bottom teeth are crooked again, only slightly, but still I notice. The top ones look okay, but I also feel that the one next to my front tooth has moved. It’s making me slightly self-conscious. Lame probably, but it does. I am not sure what they’ll do, but I guess I’ll do whatever they decide.

I could kick myself now.

March 27, 2009


–Making to-do lists makes me stressed out. Visually seeing all that needs to be done is too much.

–Greg and Chris’ funeral is on Monday, and I don’t think I have dreaded a trip to the church quite like I am dreading this one.

–KU better win tonight, or I might scream.

–I should be spending more of my time reading leisurely rather than playing Scramble on Facebook, but it’s so addicting!

–I love the jasmine thai tea candle my mom bought me today. Love, love, love.

–Cap and gown have been purchased and are anxiously awaiting the big day as much as I am.

–I am learning to be better organized. Or less messy. One of the two.

–In hoping that he would change his mind about me, I changed mine about him.

–Watermelon Ring Pops make almost everything better.

March 26, 2009

still looking.

So I learned the same lesson twice in the past 2 weeks.

When someone seems too good to be true,
they usually are.

Those flaws I was waiting for. Well, they showed up.
Or just one, a very important one.

Like the fact that he was dating someone already!

I will never be able to explain how I can pick the most seemingly unworthy men.

And the worst part,
it hurt a little. Like he kicked me hard, with his big army boot.
As you can tell from two posts ago, I was in it for the real deal.
Maybe I jinxed myself with that.

Either way, whatever, moving on.

March 25, 2009

not that easy.

I hate this. I hate that Jennifer and her family are having to deal with this pain. I cannot imagine losing one of my brothers, let alone two of them at the same time to the same accident. I just want to cry thinking about it.

I’m not good with words when it comes to situations like this, but last night, I knew she would need someone, anyone who could lend her some support. I’m glad I went and was there to help her, even if it was only a little bit.

It’s going to be a long road for her, and her parents, and I just can’t shake the feeling that such unfair things could happen to people who absolutely do not deserve it.

As much as I am sad, I am angry. Only I am confused because there is really nobody to blame.

March 20, 2009

It’s on its way!

My iMac! It should be here at the end of next week (I hope) or the beginning of the week after. I’m so excited. And I got the Adobe CS4 Design Premium software, which includes every program that is going to be very handy for my design projects for $349! Seriously, $349!! It’s normally a $1200 package, but thankfully I am still a student, and they give a major (obviously) cut for students for those programs.

I always give myself a treat on the anniversary of my wreck each year, and this year’s just came a little bit early.


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March 20, 2009

Lesson of the week.

When someone seems too good to be true,
they usually are.

March 17, 2009

I ain’t changed, but I know I ain’t the same.

Ever hear a song and it takes you right back to where you heard it for the first time? On the way home tonight, with the sun shining and windows down, I heard The Wallflower’s “One Headlight.” I remember distinctly that I was at the pool when I heard this song and really listened to it. We would spend all day at the pool when I was around 13, and the lifeguards, all of whom we had made friends with would listen to alternative music, and the radio station just loved this song. So did I. And I still do. There is something about Jakob Dylan’s voice or the lyrics that just makes it so awesome.

The title of this post is my favorite lyric of this song, even one of my favorite lyrics of all time. It was perfect for today. Seriously perfect. It describes me in so many ways.

March 16, 2009

thrifting on a good day.

I don’t know what it is about days like today, but they just have a way of dissipating all of the bad things that are going on. Really, things that are going on aren’t exactly bad, just aggravating and annoying and slightly worrisome. I won’t go all into it, mostly because I don’t want to get riled up again.

But the sunshine and warm weather just melted away anything that I might be upset about. Plus I went to the thrift store and found some amazing mason jars with handles! They remind me of being a kid and drinking lemonade in the summer. Finding a set of 5 (4 matching and 1 oddball one) was the highlight of my day. No joke. And they were only 99 cents a piece!

I don’t usually like thrift stores at all, but lately I have found some good (old vintageish) stuff that is so cool. Some of the things I have found I plan on re-doing and making it completely different than what it is now. For instance, an old tv tray I found with this weird design is gonna be a calender, with magnet numbers so it can be changed every month. I don’t have the time to finish that project, but as soon as I have a chance, I want to get it done.

Some of the furniture they have at the thrift store (we have a few in town, but one is closer than the rest) is neat too, and I have had some ideas of things I could spice it up. I don’t want brand new furniture when I move. I want my place to look mismatched and cozy and vintage, like I live a “simple” life. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone else, but the vision in my head makes sense (I feel like I have said this before here, lol). It’s going to be a work in progress, but I think it will be what makes my home unique.

Tomorrow is going to be nice too, and although I have to work, which means being in the basement of TSCPL for 7-8 hours, I plan on doing something creative after work. Maybe painting, maybe I’ll finishing the felt matting for Lindsay’s sonogram picture, or something else, but I need an outlet for the frustrations I have felt since Saturday. I am learning that working it out creatively makes me feel much better than screaming at someone or crying.

It’s way prettier too.

March 15, 2009

into thin air.

Sometimes we have to
throw ourselves off
the edge,
especially when
falling seems like the scariest
thing that could happen to us.

But we all know
that if the landing is soft,
and we survive,
we’ll want to fall again eventually.

March 15, 2009


“Most folks are about as happy as
they make up their minds to be.”
– Abraham Lincoln

March 15, 2009

making the best of this.

I smell like stale cigarette smoke, and it is disgusting.

I had fun last night, seeing old friends, laughing, having a beer. But mostly I was bored. Going out and being stupid just is not appealing to me anymore. The more that I stay home on the weekends, or hangout and do something fun and relaxing rather than going to the bar, spending ridiculous amounts of money, the more that I like being a sober, responsible kind of person. Not only have I saved a load of money, I just feel better about where I am and where I am headed.

Oh, I think this means I am growing up.

Guess what I am doing during Spring Break? Working. Yep, that’s right. Working. While everyone else is liquored up on Tuesday at the bars celebrating St. Patty’s Day, I am going to be tucked up in my office working on customer surveys and annual report content and planning out skits to promote youth summer reading programs. And I am completely okay with that. Maybe I’ll miss a break, but I really don’t mind doing something worthwhile all week instead of being on a weeklong drunk like most of my college friends will be.

Since I started working, it has changed the way that I look at partying I guess. Diana also said something to me that was a turnaround point also. She said “I always look at internships and volunteer experience before I even look at job experience. It shows me that this person is dedicated to something other than themselves.” It seems so right. I want to make sure that it’s apparent that I want to be there, to be the first person they want to hire full-time when a position opens up, and if I have to spend my break working to prove that, then so be it. Plus the annual report stuff really needs to be finished and be ready for placement when the audit is done. I want Gina, the executive director, to know I was on the ball on it.

The countdown is officially on–if you haven’t noticed–to graduation, and the closer it gets, the more important it is to make a good impression on everyone I meet who could be a good networking contact. I’ve made so many in the past few months, and I’m counting on utilizing those when I am looking for a job, in case a position doesn’t open up in time at TSCPL. Before I was just going one day, one thing at a time, but now I am planning further ahead and looking forward to what comes in the long run.

Growing up might not be so bad after all.

March 14, 2009

waiting, waiting, still waiting.

Oh, this entire computer situation is making me use patience, and frankly it’s driving me insane. I am patiently waiting on the credit card I applied for to come in the mail, and even though it’s been 7 days, it still isn’t here yet. Is this just some tease from the universe as punishment for being so antsy? Maybe. I hate waiting. Hate it, hate it, hate it!!!

Apparently, my PC only has a power supply problem, and it should be fixed within the next week. So when it is done and gets to come home (I talk about it like it’s some person in the hospital, lol) we’re just setting it up in place of the computer Mom and Dad have now. They are in even more need of a computer update than I am, and since I have my heart set on an iMac, I’m just looking for an out. :)

So for now I am using my laptop on a constant basis, which isn’t such a bad thing. But I miss having a desktop too. Man, I am spoiled. I’ll admit that. I’ll also admit that I probably don’t NEED both a desktop and laptop, but you know what, I don’t care. I can afford it so I’m gonna stimulate the economy and buy one. Thank you to good insurance settlements.

Ah, I’m off to read. Only 9 weeks to graduation!

March 13, 2009

Best part of my day.

It has taken me a long time to understand the importance of pampering yourself, and how wonderfully it is to be relaxed when the rest of the world is running around crazy. Today is that day of relaxation for me. Granted, the things that I find relaxing are things that people might consider chores, like cooking (awesome pepperoni breadsticks again!), reading, blogging, and cleaning.

I have been under a lot of pressure lately, but I need a break. I am making it a point to keep a day–or even a half a day each week for myself. So far, it’s going well and I don’t feel as overwhelmed with things. I keep thinking “What good is anything if you don’t have someone who supports or cares about it too?” It’s kind of a vague question, but to me, it makes perfect sense. Everyone gets so caught up in work and everyday worries that they really neglect the relationships that they have, even the most important ones. I don’t want to be one of those people. I want my relationships to be first because I really wouldn’t be where I am without these people around me. Part of my relaxation time is including more time, quality time, with the people who matter the most. It’s important and is a huge priority that should have been at the top of my list for a very long time.

Graduation is in 64 days away. Yay!

March 7, 2009

Technology sometimes sucks.

Ah, I am aggravated. My computer, the desktop one anyway, went kaput. It won’t even turn on. Nothing happens when I push the power button. Nothing at all.

I’ve been thinking of buying an iMac for a while, but I had just convinced myself to wait a few weeks ago. The idea had settled itself in the back of my brain, and it was content there. Normally, I am an impulsive buyer and have to go get something, or order it, as soon as I want it. So pushing back a purchase like that is rare for me. I am going to wait to see what the computer guys say about the HP, but either way I have decided, an iMac is going to be mine before May.

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March 5, 2009

Slow this dance down.

March 5, 2009

Today was beautiful, and I don’t want it to end.
Then again, I can’t wait for tonight to get here
because I am anticipating that I won’t want it to end either.

Things are fantastic lately.
Dad is home and doing well,
and everything else is falling into place just where it should be.
I definitely cannot complain.

Well, actually, my hair is being a bit poufy at the moment,
but that’s beside the point.


(Also, I should add, the last post was something I wrote quite a while ago,
but the need to post it never arose. I just slapped it on here as a filler and
because I’d rather post it when things are good and I am feeling so optimistic,
rather than on an off day. They aren’t feelings that are worth revisiting thenAl

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March 2, 2009

Sorry for the Stubborn

Blood slinging swords slice
through open air,
cutting the silence carefully,
thinly into packages of anger
accompanied by sheer hate.

Darkness hardens and chills
the metallic blades that are tossed lustrously,
aiming for the busiest of arteries within,
anticipating a plea for mercy.

One for another,
the swings more violently erupt.
Eyes crying now with each glint of light.
Rage for each other
itself turns to puncture both beings.

Wounded are these two.
Neither able to rise in triumph,
neither presents a smile of accomplishment,
but instead sink toward the red grass,
one’s hand reaching for the other’s
offering comfort to opposing.

It’s too late now.

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