Archive for July, 2009

July 30, 2009

Yes, I do.

Me, taken with Blackberry July 29, 2009

I choose to be happy, to put a smile on my face when I really don’t want to, when being sad and angry and resentful and lonely and weak seems like a much easier plan for the day.

I choose to live life as if this was how it is supposed to be, meant for me, full of challenges that I don’t understand, but ones that constantly make me stronger.

I choose to ask myself daily if this is going to be a good day or a bad day. and most of the time, it turns out to be rather okay.

I choose to have people around me that are caring, and want the best for me, without selfish motives of their own. I choose people who are like me.

I choose to be opinionated. I like speaking for myself especially when nobody should have to.

I choose to be a strong woman, to put forth my stubbornness for my own benefit and not give in to naivety and settle for less than I deserve from a relationship. I choose to wait for the real deal however long that might take. Until then, a little fun in between can’t hurt.

I choose to laugh heartily, to dance and play because those are the things that keep me going, looking ahead to the next moment of dancing and laughing and living.

I choose to be exactly who I am at this moment, doing what I am doing.

I choose to be. It’s just that simple.

July 28, 2009

do it, do it, do it to it.

In the late nights, my words can go onto paper so much easier.

Be expecting more “creative” posts for a while.

<3 yous.

July 28, 2009


I’m exhausted.

Besides not being able to sleep lately, I have been having nightmares when I do sleep. I’m not sure where they came from, but they make me wake up shaking and scared. In each one, a man is chasing my younger brother and I through our neighborhood in his white car, shooting at us, while we try to hide and dodge bullets.

Does stress induce insomnia and nightmares? Because lately things have been stressful and exciting.

A little over a week ago, the police found the dead body of the neighborhood’s homeless man. It was less than half a mile from my house, and they still haven’t caught the person. It’s just freaky. The fact that a murderer is running around, somewhere within the close vicinity of my home, is just plain scary. Plus this homeless man kept to himself and never begged for anything. I think he was homeless by choice actually. The poor guy didn’t deserve to be murdered, that is for sure.

I think I just need a day to relax. I’m going to try to organize my bookshelf (again) today. Since Lin and Todd decided not to move into the house they initially liked, I’m holding onto the bookshelf for them. I’m anxious to get rid of it though. I think if I clean it and have it orderly, it will be less of an eyesore. *sigh*

Then I’m so taking a nap.

July 22, 2009

no floating necessary.

You were like waiting out dehydration,
my body, my heart shriveling and thirsty,
only to jump into a pool of crystal blue,
sinking deeper, and drowning.
Oh, I love the drowning.

July 20, 2009

oh yes, we’re gonna dance!

It was a wonderful weekend. Truly one of the best weekends of my life. Friday night was Travis’ birthday and we celebrated at Sharkey’s (of course). On Saturday, Maria and I went to Fiesta Mexicana, and it reminded me of when we were in high school and went every single night that it was going on. Well, except that we were both old enough to drink this time. And we did.

We mostly hung out with Chris and Brandon, but we also stopped by Benny’s house to hang with that group of friends. I wish everyone could experience the Fiesta because it’s a neighborhood party that turns into a huge reunion. I know a lot of people who go for the food, but for anyone with ties to the Our Lady school or church–or anyone who lives in the Fiesta neighborhood, it’s a whole different atmosphere. It’s crazy. It’s a huge party, where you’re bouncing from house to house because you just know everyone. Everyone is friendly, and if you’re ready to have a good time, so are they. I have met most of them before, since Maria and I were practically attached at the hip for our sophomore year, but the ones who didn’t acted like they did. That’s just the type of people they are.

I am looking forward to many more weekends like this one. And far more incriminating pictures. I have a feeling that if we hang out with these guys, we will definitely get both.

Santi, Chris, Maria, and Brandon. I love it.

Maria and I.

July 17, 2009


Well, after two weeks and many headaches later, I have yet to install my CS4 software on my Macbook. I have been doing the back-and-forth daily email and TechNote crap with Adobe, but still, nothing has worked. Now I am being given the door with them, because we have been through practically everything, and told to contact Apple instead.

Why didn’t I do that in the first place? Eh, because everything apparently has to be difficult to make it worthwhile. I’m definitely not a computer whiz, and times like these really make me wish I was.

Hopefully I’ll be updating this soon and being gleeful about using my InDesign and Photoshop and Illustrator on my Macbook.

July 13, 2009

she minibook.

My latest crafty obsession has been minibooks. I have made some in the past, like forever ago in high school when making cute flash cards was my thing, but then college came along and didn’t allow me any time to do them. With all the free time I have now, I am on a roll. I regularly read Elise Blaha’s blog, and she is a pro at these things. I borrowed the idea for a “She” book from her, in fact. Here is a peek at her’s.

I used wallpaper samples from an interior design class I once took, random pictures of myself and stuff I love that have just been lying in crate on my bookshelf. I put it together pretty quickly. I learned that quicker is better because too much thinking makes the mini look just how I don’t like….too planned out. I like the messiness. These aren’t all of the pages, but here’s a peek. I really need to find a good place to take photos of them. The sun glares definitely mess up the color. Live and learn.

July 13, 2009

kansas city.

I need to get away. For just a day or something.

Next week, when it’s nice and sunny again, after all the storms and rain have passed, I’m going to just take a day for myself to take a short road trip to KC. All the bills will be paid, and I can spend some money.

I like going to KC because nobody knows me, and it’s a big place. Even though it’s an hour away and I’ve been there so much, I still feel like it’s a foreign land, like there is a part of me that is exploring when I go. It’s fun, and I can feel like a tourist even so close to home.

I’m sure pics will be coming soon.

July 9, 2009

cleared out.

For the past week, I have been trying to rearrange and overhaul my room. Basically, I need more room–or less stuff. Since making room is easier with less stuff, I knock out both tasks at once. I decided to start making a pile of stuff I don’t need or use. I am the type that hates to part with anything I might want, even if it’s just junk. I guess you could call me a tame packrat. It runs in my mother’s blood.

Anyway, we’re going to have a garage sale soon. The cleaning/purging mood must be contagious because my mom started a pile of her own. My bookshelf is going. Lindsay and Todd will be moving soon so she put claim to that. I exchanged the table that my printer called home for a filing cabinet. It’s just better for storage and makes me decide even further what is important enough to be saved.

It’s a painstaking process because I get sidetracked going through old pictures, files, or my favorite, yearbooks. I realized that maybe I don’t miss high school that much, or at all.

I should have done a before and after, but I didn’t. Maybe next time.

July 9, 2009

i refuse to disappear.

It’s no secret that I am a big, fat failure at relationships. I admit it. And my last post shows the very sharp impatience I have for the entire dating scene. I hate the waiting. Hate it thoroughly.

I heard a song today that said “love and pride can’t occupy the same spaces” and I almost fell over. That one line made me feel that everything I have been doing is exactly the wrong things. I am too proud, too stubborn, too stuck in my own head, and far too hesitant about the commitment that relationships entail. I have expectations. I am not going to settle. I’ve seen it too many times in the lives of my friends, who are unhappy now. I expect some chivalry, some romance, some intelligent conversation, some laughs. But the commitment thing is the biggest problem I have. Just when I decide he is great enough to get close, I run for the hills. Or if somehow I manage to not ruin it by pushing him away, when I do see some potential, he changes his mind.

So how do you change what you need to change if they are the things that make you, you? And if I am being honest, I really like those things about myself, the ones that help define me as an individual. I don’t necessarily want to change them and be like every other girl on the planet. Apparently, I’m just difficult.

I think I need to find a guy who is just as afraid of being hurt. Maybe then we’ll be careful with each other’s hearts.

This is starting to feel like a big waiting game.

July 8, 2009

let’s get this overwith.

Dating just sucks. I want to skip all this mumbo jumbo dating crap, and just get to the love part already.

I have another started on this subject–and my relationship disasters–but it will have to wait. I’m too tired to get into it now.

July 7, 2009

dad update.

Well my dad is finally home from the hospital. After 4 days of observation, he came home with a list of to-do’s and not-to-do’s. I hate it when he is gone, mostly because everything seems so much quieter and empty. The house is never in order, and nobody is on any kind of schedule because we take visiting shifts so he isn’t alone in the hospital. It’s an exhausting situation for all of us. No sleep, extraordinary stress, and trying to keep all the out-of-town relatives up to date is hard on me. And honestly, it shows on all of us. Dad was the one hospitalized, and he looks better than the rest of us!

The Denver trip was, of course, cancelled. Mom and I decided immediately that being 550 miles from home any time soon is simply out of the question. We would have been too distracted the entire time with our worries about him back here at home to get anything constructive done. My reevaluation can always be reschedule for some time in the spring.

For now, things are looking okay. I just hope they continue that way.

July 3, 2009

Mark, Ashley, Serenity, Makinna.

Sweet pictures I took on Wednesday.

July 3, 2009


My dad is back in the hospital again. This time for a heart attack. It never really crossed my mind that he could have any heart trouble, mostly because we’re always so worried about his lungs. The doctors never caught anything either, but I guess we all should have known. Grandpa Koch and Uncle Galen both died of heart attacks.

They cleared 5 blockages, 4 at 80% and the last at 99% blocked. Luckily, they got them all cleared and put in 3 stints. He has to stay until Monday though. Scary stuff.