i refuse to disappear.

It’s no secret that I am a big, fat failure at relationships. I admit it. And my last post shows the very sharp impatience I have for the entire dating scene. I hate the waiting. Hate it thoroughly.

I heard a song today that said “love and pride can’t occupy the same spaces” and I almost fell over. That one line made me feel that everything I have been doing is exactly the wrong things. I am too proud, too stubborn, too stuck in my own head, and far too hesitant about the commitment that relationships entail. I have expectations. I am not going to settle. I’ve seen it too many times in the lives of my friends, who are unhappy now. I expect some chivalry, some romance, some intelligent conversation, some laughs. But the commitment thing is the biggest problem I have. Just when I decide he is great enough to get close, I run for the hills. Or if somehow I manage to not ruin it by pushing him away, when I do see some potential, he changes his mind.

So how do you change what you need to change if they are the things that make you, you? And if I am being honest, I really like those things about myself, the ones that help define me as an individual. I don’t necessarily want to change them and be like every other girl on the planet. Apparently, I’m just difficult.

I think I need to find a guy who is just as afraid of being hurt. Maybe then we’ll be careful with each other’s hearts.

This is starting to feel like a big waiting game.


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