Archive for January, 2010

January 29, 2010


Even though you can’t really tell by the picture, I’ve been sick. Coughing, sneezing, cold, hot, runny nose, half-way voice, headache. Oh, it sucks. I just want to breathe normal again. In the meantime, I have been spending my time watching tv (MTV reruns mostly), reading All the King’s Men, writing, and attempting to keep myself warm (or cool depending on what my body temperature is craving at that moment).

Something about being sick makes me so emotional. I think it’s just the helpless feeling that there’s nothing that can make it go faster. I just have to sit and wait it out, which I don’t have time for. Waiting and being sick are exhausting, and putting the two together, well, it’s just not my thing. Anything could make me cry, and that certainly doesn’t help any. Getting mad only makes the headache worse. The only plus would be that it makes me want to put words on paper.

What could make it better? Yep, flowers. My good friend Ronnie, who I have known since we were about 13, brought me flowers yesterday afternoon. How sweet of him! There are times when we go weeks without seeing each other, but other times we talk every day and hang out as much as we can. It’s been that way lately. I think I have talked to him more than anyone else. We have our code-red-I-need-to-talk conversations and laughing-til-we-cry conversations too. It’s rare to find a guy friend that cries around me, but he does. He’s a big ole crybaby when he’s having a hard day, and I completely love him for it.

January 28, 2010


Sometimes it’s up to us to be happy.
Sometimes it’s just that easy.

January 27, 2010

i have a confession.

I’m a reality show whore. *sigh*

There it is.

On Saturday night, Darcy, Jeremy, Joe, Tammy, and I spent almost the entire dinner talking about tv. Sad. We all ended up laughing at ourselves for being so caught in these reality shows that serve no real purpose in our lives.

Tough Love totally gets me every time. It’s a show about women whose dating lives are crap, and a matchmaker, Steve Ward, works with them on their bad habits and teaches them what they should be doing instead. For once, I have found a reality show that I am perfect for. PerFECT for.

But thankfully, I can just watch it on tv and learn what they have to do in front on America.

And let’s not even get started on Jersey Shore. We had a half-hour discussion just on how ridiculous The Situation is and how we are completely hoping to see a second season (which, according to TMZ, will be happening).

Maybe we just are wanting to live as vicariously as we can through these over-the-top characters. Either way they are fun to watch (and make fun of).

We all really can’t wait for the next Road Rules/Real World challenge though. Booze and competition for thousands of dollars always makes for good tv, right?

January 26, 2010

top five tuesday.

This week: Top five book to read or reread

The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I am sure it can’t hold up to the book version. I like my imagination better than someone else’s.

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery. Such a good “lesson” book. It is originally a children’s book, but it really opened my eyes to some things after my injury. Love.

The Witches by Roald Dahl. Imagination at its best. Roald Dahl was my favorite author as a child. I mean, who hasn’t read/seen James and the Giant Peach or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory??

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. We read this book in middle school, and our teacher was a strong, hard-headed, and hilariously funny black man. I think we would have had a different experience with a different teacher, and I appreciate the way that he made us look at the things that were “hard” in that book. Race and discrimination are tricky to teach to 12-year-olds, but we got it because he wasn’t afraid to tell it like it was. I love him for that.

Crank by Ellen Hopkins. I think I liked the way this book was written more than the actual storyline. A novel written in the form of poetry. Great.

January 25, 2010

be soft today.

If it only takes
an encouraging word,
a thought or a hug,
to make my friends feel better
about themselves and life,
then that is what I’ll give.

It never takes much
to make it easier.

January 23, 2010


Jeremy went yesterday to get the first phase of his Carlos (his brother who was killed when we were just little kids) tattoo across his back, and I have to admit, it looks completely awesome. Better than I had expected. He goes back February 17 to get it finished up (the thing is huge, there’s no way they could finish it all yesterday) and I think I’m going to make an appointment to get one of my own.

I’ve been wanting some more ink for a long time, and I don’t want anything elaborate. Something small and probably hidden to everyone else.

Maybe I’ll change my mind by then, but if not, I’ll post pictures (of course).

For now, I am going to finish watching the KU vs Iowa basketball game and get pretty. Darcy, Jeremy, and I are headed to dinner tonight, then to watch James’ band at Sharkey’s. No beer for me though. After Thursday night’s drama (not worth talking about anymore) and yesterday’s hangover, beer is not my friend anymore.

Have a good weekend everyone!

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January 22, 2010

oh, sure.

It’s pretty safe to say that this is the most fun I’ve had in a long time.

I am in love with my Fuji Instax camera already. It’s fun to not know exactly what you are going to get when that print comes out of the top of that glorious little white machine.

January 21, 2010


This year is about me.

I spent a majority of 2009 worrying about everyone else. Dad was really sick/hospitalized twice. Two babies were born into the family. Fights and tensions were sprinkled throughout. I know a few good things happened, like my graduation, Kristi’s visit, Maria moving back. Still, I had vowed to have a good year, and it turned up short.

So I decided that this year is going to be different.

It’s about me. Taking care of myself, spoiling myself, nurturing my own happiness.

One of the ways I am doing that is buying myself flowers every week. I like flowers. They’re pretty and make my room smell fresh. And they just make me happy. So I will have them. Who says you can’t buy yourself flowers? At least you don’t have to wait around for some man to buy them as a gesture.

The bouquet I bought this week is deliciously smelling and brightens my room. I’ll admit that I don’t really know what they are, but that’s okay with me. They’re yellow and pink and white. Next week maybe I’ll try something different, but the spring colors lifted me up and got me excited for spring and warmer temperatures and, oddly enough, spring rain.

2010 is looking up already.

January 20, 2010


I found this on my facebook, and even though it was written over a year ago, all these things are still applicable to my life. Love it.

1. I have green eyes, and I love it.
2. I find it annoying when I see “your” and “you’re” mistakes.
3. Candles are almost always burning in my room. I like to switch up the scents, but anything fruity is usually good.
4. My regularly-read books (mostly poetry) are sitting on my desk at all times.
5. I try as hard as I can to leave a good impression.
6. Dr. Pepper, Post-Its, and Chapstick are my only addictions.
7. I critique the Sunday ads on their design; and most of them aren’t up to my standards. I always find things that could be better.
8. I am always looking for the next best thing to come along.
9. Graduate school sounds good sometimes; at other times, I dread more homework. So I’m procrastinating that decision.
10. I am very good at appearing busy, even when I’m bored out of my mind.
11. My nails look better painted. And I wore dark nail polish even before it was popular. So there.
12. I am somewhat of an impulsive shopper.
13. Being tall isn’t much of an advantage for me anymore.
14. I love working at TSCPL in Comm/Marketing. Seriously, it’s like my dream job right now. (It was, anyway.)
15. I don’t like the way that anyone else makes macaroni and cheese.
16. I love Flickr. I’m regularly inspired there and am learning so much more than I thought.
17. My latest journal is only 31 days old and already almost full. I write, a lot.
18. I miss having a dog. I miss my Rusty and Roxy.
19. I used to collect ink pens, and I had almost every color of gel pen you could think of. Now I just use black ballpoint ones.
20. My handwriting used to be pretty, but now it looks like chicken scratch….there’s no time for pretty anymore.
21. I love my nieces and nephews more than anything. I spoil them too much probably.
22. I like to paint, even though I pretty much suck at making anything look realistic.
23. I remember what it feels like to walk. It’s a weird feeling.
24. Summertime rain is my favorite kind of rain. Just not too much of it.
25. I am not the type of girl who you tell to do something. It won’t get you anywhere. Just ask me nicely.

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January 19, 2010

back to regular shooting programming.

I have been spending a lot of time with my camera again, and it feels so good to have that particular creative outlet back. For weeks in 2009, all I did was write and I didn’t even get my DSLR out of my camera bag, mostly because I felt I didn’t have anything new or interesting to photograph and because it was just a hassle to carry with me all the time.

One of my goals was to take a picture every day as a part of my 365 project for 2010, and so far, it has gone well. I have come out of my shell a little bit when it comes to taking pictures in public. Before I was always shy and felt awkward when I would take my camera out. Now I just snap pictures like it’s what I am supposed to be doing. I have found in just the last two weeks that if you feel awkward about it, people are going to look twice and feel awkward too, or start wondering what the hell you are doing taking random pictures of the snow or buildings or whatever it may be. You have to have the confidence, and people don’t think twice about it.

Not only have I been using my DSLR more, I have embraced the power of my Blackberry’s camera (which is still sort of crappy) and my point-and-shoot Sony (which is mostly my bar/crazy-pictures-of-friends camera) as more useful than I gave either of them credit for before. I like the mix of good to crappy quality pictures, which sometimes is just what I want anyway.

Now if I can keep up with finding subjects to shoot every single day and keep it interesting, I’ll be golden.

Also, my Fuji Instax should be arriving sometime today! I’m excited!

January 19, 2010

top five tuesday.

I’m starting something new. A Top Five Tuesday. Just random lists of my favorite things. :) Enjoy.

This week: Favorite gadgets.

Blackberry Curve. It will be my favorite phone until I finally get a iPhone when my Sprint contract (finally) ends. I can get rid of that cracked screen!

iPod 60 gig. I can fit so much stuff on this little lovely black box, and it has lasted me for 4+ years. I seriously will cry the day it decides to crap out.

iMac. Best computer ever. (It’s not really 1:20 pm right now :))

Canon Rebel XT. Buying this DSLR to “learn” on changed my life. Really, I love it.

TomTom XL 330S. The answer to all my getting-lost problems.

January 18, 2010


It was a mystery
and I wanted to figure it out.

Only I didn’t expect to be so invested
so lost afterwards
so hurt
when I realized it was all true,
all those whispering words
of others who had wasted time.

Yes, they were right.
The story is true.

Your heart is incapable
of love.

January 17, 2010


I’m going to be honest here and say that the past 2 weeks have been somewhat rough ones, although I’m not sure why. The weather and gray and utter boredom with being stuck in could be the problem, and I am confident that when the sun is in my life on a full-time basis again, I’ll be much more cheerful.

Anyway, I needed out. Ashley must have been reading my mind and wanted to go to Kiku’s tonight (our favorite habachi Japanese restaurant). She and I, along with Serenity, Makinna, and Raelyn, met up with Darcy, Jeremy, and Lindsay. We had laughs and conversations and more laughs at the kids (Makinna was convinced one of the waitresses was Mulan and Serenity was flirting with a cute guy (who was like 25ish at the end of our table).

And we stuffed. our. faces. FULL.

It was just what I needed to see that even if a week (or two) has been getting me down, my family can always bring me right out of it. They give me the comfortable that I crave, and they don’t even know it. I hope they know how much I love and appreciate them and their (sometimes) normalcy.

January 16, 2010

in the quiet.

I wrote a few months ago about Zack, who was killed as a passenger of a car wreck during a police chase. It was extremely sad, and even though I only knew him mostly as the guy on the bike who rode past our house all the time, the news of his death was so shocking and heavy to me. I can’t really explain the loss I felt for this man because you’d probably think I was crazy. To put it shortly, I was most devastated at the lost opportunity to know him.

On the day of his funeral, which I was too chicken to attend, I sent a copy of the poem I had once written about him to his mother, Vicky. I didn’t know her either, but she had set up a memorial website for him so I knew that knowing that he affected people was important to her.

Yesterday, I received a letter back.

It was very heartfelt and appreciative, and she apologized for taking so long to respond. This woman, who just lost one of her two sons in such a horrific manner, was apologizing to me. I knew instantly that not only was Zack a good person, he came from a good family. She also sent me a few copies of some of his drawings, which were very good. I’m glad she knew that I would appreciate them.

I don’t really know why I am writing about this. Nobody really cares about this correspondence, but it just amazes me that sometimes something so simple as a letter (or a poem in Vicky’s case) can be so powerful and make a situation easier to bear.

It also makes me want to not miss any chance with anyone. Maybe strangers can be the ones who make all the difference.

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January 15, 2010

project one down.

Business cards for Angie are done. Now onto the other flyers and newspaper ad that will be run. I figured that since all the pieces will be similar I’d just blog about them now, even though only the business cards are ready to be shown.

Angie didn’t really have a look she definitely wanted besides something “simple” so she left me to the full designing and “feel.” I wasn’t sure at first if I was excited about that, or completely terrified.

I love the look of handwritten words on any advertising though, so I wanted to incorporate that. When I told her about my idea to make it look like a piece of hair being cut by scissors, she loved the idea, and off I went.

Obviously, it took a few times to get one that I liked.


She didn’t have a huge budget to work with, and the entire thing cost less than $30 for all her cards. We bought precut cards and printed them on my Espon printer. They turned out better than I thought they would, truthfully.

January 14, 2010

girly it up.

I took the first step toward one of my goals for 2010 has been to girly it up, makeup-wise, mostly thanks to Kristi, my great friend who always has amazing eyes. MAC normally isn’t my brand of makeup, but I got two Shadesticks today. One called Sharkskin, super bold and dark and dramatic, and one called Beige-ing, light and frosty and perfect for daytime.

I normally just put on concealer, powder foundation, and mascara and go. It takes me about 5 minutes, and that is precisely why I like it so much. I don’t have time to be messing around with a bunch of makeup every single day so the Shadestick is perfect for that. Just a little bit of the Beige-ing brightens my eyes.

The Sharkskin is a little intimidating. I don’t really know if I can pull off such a dark color, but I’m going to try. I want to sexy it up for nights out on the town, and if this color doesn’t do it, I don’t know what will.

A goal in the works either way.

January 13, 2010


black wavy magic
holding out hopes above us,
slightly laughing
every time we make
a foolish wish on a falling star.
how stupidly gullible
we have become.

maybe we should be
our own heroes
if only once.

January 12, 2010


Things are looking up in the utter boredom area. I have projects lined up, mainly the business card design and advertising design for Angie’s hair salon and Matt’s graduation announcements. It’s exciting to know that people want me to design anything for them considering I’m so “new” to the game.

It gives me a confidence that I think I lost for a little bit. Between this awful weather and the reality that job openings are so few and far between around here, it has been grey around here lately. Keeping busy and seeing the sun shine and temperatures finally reach the 20s for 2 days in a row has been awesome. I never thought I would welcome 32 degrees with such open arms, but we have major snow that needs melting. Let’s get RID of it!

It feels like that boredom that students get when winter break has reached the wall of boredom and they are ready to go back to classes. Speaking of which, I have again been looking at KU’s graduate programs. I thought I had my mind set on it a few months ago, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t bounce around a decision like this in my head a hundred times. Back and forth. That’s just how I am.

January 11, 2010

I plan to read each one of these books by the end of December. Hopefully, I’ll get through them all and even have a few extra added to this list.

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
No One Belongs Here More Than You by Miranda July
Nothing’s Sacred by Lewis Black
Picture Perfect by Jodi Picoult
Always Looking Up by Michael J. Fox
Songs Without Words by Ann Packer
Moby Dick by Herman Melville
Son of a Witch by Gregory Maguire
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingslover
Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates
Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk

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January 10, 2010

want vs need.

It wasn’t on my goal list, but I just ordered one of these. I need one. Need one!

And I REALLY like this lens too. Normally I am striving for a sharp focus, but the Diana lens takes beautiful pictures with such beautiful blur. It doesn’t ship until the 1st of February so I have to be patient, but soon enough, I’ll have it in my hand and will have more beautiful photos to show you!

January 10, 2010

spinning free.

Looking at your face
silhouetted against the gray
of the movie screen light
I realize we are
so far apart
even with your fingers
through mine.

We aren’t who we used to be.
This isn’t what it was

and what we wanted has changed.
Against the gray
I know
I’ll be gone tomorrow.

January 9, 2010

it’s her party,

and she didn’t cry once.

3 years ago, little bitty Kendall was born. It’s almost hard to believe that it has been that long. We spent the day at Chuck E Cheese to let the kids celebrate. They had a blast, of course. I forgot what an exhausting place that is. 100 kids running around like zoo animals is just too much to take for more than 2 hours.

Sweetheart Kendall.

January 9, 2010

see through me.

I finally got them. My x-rays from my stay at Craig Hospital. I imagined a long lengthy process of paperwork ahead of me when I first decided that I wanted my own copies of them, so I put if of until a few days ago. I was wrong, and it took only 3 days to receive the cds full of images in the mail.

I still can’t believe that I actually went through such an injury and hospitalization sometimes. It’s like I was there for it all, but I have distanced myself from it to a point that I don’t feel like that girl was me. I thought maybe I’d be upset looking at the x-rays again, but truthfully I felt nothing. Zip. Nada. Zero.

In the past year, I have emotionally grown and let a lot of things finally go, like the relationships I lost because of this injury. I blamed it for a lot of loss I felt, but I have come to see that those relationships most likely would have ended without any help. Truthfully, the friendship I had with the driver wasn’t stable at the time, and whether I like to admit it or not, we probably wouldn’t be best friends right now anyway. I can’t blame her for that anymore than I can blame myself. Life is just life. I think a lot of my anger was misdirected, and letting it go really has lightened my life in a lot of ways. The resentment was eating me alive, not anyone else. I’m glad I can be rid of it.

Front. Titanium plate, 4 screws to hold it in place, plus a piece of my hip bone to replace my shattered C6 vertebre.

Side. Yes, those are screws in the back of my head too. I also had 2 in the front in my forehead. They kept the halo in place to heal my broken C2.

Entire halo x-ray. I wore it for 3 months, and they would tighten the screws every week because they would often get loose and slip along my skull. Torture contraption disguised as a medical brace. As much as I hated it, I was scared to have it taken off (which they did with normal screwdrivers while I was awake!) because I didn’t want that C2 to accidentally move or something.

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January 8, 2010

Mrs. Allen

I got this as a Christmas gift, and it’s probably the funniest (and most fitting) gift I have ever gotten. Maybe it’s my love of football or Jared Allen or t-shirts or goofiness, but it’s perfect.

The Vikings have secured a first-round bye in the playoffs, and I have the Eagles’ loss to the Cowboys to thank for that. Jared Allen is in the Pro Bowl (which I am not surprised about), and I am excited to watch that in my new shirt too.

Next season, I am hoping for a better season for my Chiefs, but that might be some high hoping. They did beat the Broncos out of their playoff slot by 20 points, which was so exciting. As much as I love Jared Allen, I’ll always be a Chiefs fan. No doubt. He looked better in his red uniform than he does in the purple anyway. Right?

January 7, 2010

another mini done.

It’s already 2010, I know, but I finally finished my Tweets of 2009 mini. It was mostly done, with just the last few pages to fill. Now it can be put away in the bin with the other finished minis.

(Honestly, I don’t know why I do minis. I know they’ll be sweet to look on in years to come, but for now I am feeling like they are space wasters for me. Maybe I just need some new inspirations.)