Archive for April, 2010

April 30, 2010

first one!


The job interview this morning went well, on my end anyway. I went in not really knowing what to expect or what they wanted, but I had confidence and only a few nerves. I hadn’t applied for it (well, until today at the interview). Honestly, I hadn’t even heard of the company prior to the executive director calling me last week. He had gotten a copy of my resumè from Kristi Powell, who is the director of the Special Olympics here. I didn’t know if he was looking for an employee or if he was just meeting me to get a feel for the kind of job I wanted to pass it on like Kristi had done.

Now I know. He’s looking for an employee. I wouldn’t be an on-site employee, which suits me fine, and it would be only part-time (also good for me). I would be doing grant writing, design and publication work, and fundraising for non-profit corporations. Sounds pretty great, right? It does to me. I’m trying not to get my hope up too far, but this would be a fantastic first career-geared job. He’s interviewing other people, and I understand that I will most likely be the least experienced of the applicants. He and his wife (business partner too) assured me that they are looking for skills, not necessarily experience. My first “test” is to write a letter of intent, and they are going to base their decision on that. I’m determined to write the most fantastic letter of intent you’ve ever read, ha.

Keep your fingers crossed.

April 29, 2010

some kind of stubborn.

A sheen can be noticed
riding just above his lips,
a cool sweat there,
and a matching nervousness
brightens in his bold eyes.

But that’s all he is able to say
without actually using words.

Everything else is much too covered up
like how deeply his feelings are rooted
to the heart she turns from,
like how he is not this man
she has convinced herself he is,
cold and deceiving and cruel
to the warmth of others.

This will be the chance he takes,
humiliation of his own,
an openness he hides too
from anyone of any potential.
This will be the chance he takes.

This, too, will be her chance
to see more of that
handsome man in the black coat
so gingerly placed in the corner of the room
with his eyes on her,
waiting for the perfect approach.

And in the most modest way
she pretends not to see
while silently asking herself
where that softness came from
when the soul of a man is so hard.

April 28, 2010

getting over it.


I’ve been on a painting kick again for the past few days. I’m not an artist, in the drawing/painting sense, but it’s fun to actually put the paint out there and see what happens. The picture of the one above was taken before it was finished, but now the real thing is taped on my wall alongside other pieces of inspiration and idea-boosters.

I feel so much better now that the 26th has past, and I don’t have to really worry about it for another year. Maybe I put too much emphasis on that date, some people would probably think so. But I don’t care. That’s my DAY. That’s the day that if I am upset, I don’t have to explain why. Nobody wonders what is wrong with me. That’s my day. And I am so relieved it’s over for 2010.

I am caught up again on my 365 Project, and that’s another relief!

April 28, 2010

nuptial.

your whispered question
carries to me
like dandelion cotton
on a spring wind
and reaches me just as gently.

i long to not only imagine
but hear it.

yes, i do.

April 27, 2010

pretty melody.

I love Butch Walker. I think the first song I ever heard of his was Cigarette Lighter Love Song like 4 years ago, and it made me cry. And when I was done crying, I looked for every song he ever sang. This is his newest single from his newest album, and he is still as great as he was back then.

He makes himself beautiful, I swear.

April 26, 2010

another one.

Another anniversary. Another April 26th. Another year.

And I’m still here.

I’m not going to pretend today is going to be easy. It’s going to be really hard, as every April 26th has been for the past 7 years. It’s going to suck, and I’ll probably have to pretend not to feel some sadness.

There’s always looking forward to tomorrow though.

April 25, 2010

silent sunday.

April 24, 2010

getting back at it.

I’ve been falling behind on my 365 photography project that I really wanted to stay on top of. I’m not too upset about it because I always catch up, but I am hoping to start back up at being vigilant about it every single day. I have always loved photography, loved the feeling of finding something not so pretty and being able to make it beautiful. I need the motivation to get out and do it sometimes, but the excitement of taking a really good picture always gets the motivation going. Kind of like “what came first? The chicken or the egg?” It’s a cycle.

April 23, 2010

attempt at vid.

I found some old video of Tink and Makinna and shortened this one way down. They had been pretending to be puppies and bugs. It’s really dark and shaky, but you get the idea. My mom is talking on the phone in the background too.

April 22, 2010

cuddle.

nestle in–
feel the smooth skin along my ribs
and breathe warm on my neck
slow like fogging glass
on a winter day.

soft moments without words
just before falling asleep
always remind me that
we will last forever.

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April 21, 2010

pretty girl.


Isn’t she gorgeous?

She snuggled with me last weekend, the first time in a long time. Normally, she thrashes all over or wants to sleep on the couch by herself, but Friday night she nestled herself into the crook of my shoulder and hardly moved all night, besides kicking the covers off about a million times. She still loves Aunt Carrie and hasn’t quite grown out of snuggling yet. I think she knows that something is going on that we can’t quite explain to her. She’s not stupid and has been through enough medical stuff in her (almost) 5 years to know when something isn’t right. She’s been extra lovey dovey and needy for attention and super whiny when things don’t go her way.

Ashley and Mark got her test results back yesterday, and the blood tests show that she has a antinuclear antibody disease….but the doctors aren’t really sure which one. It could be so many things, like lupus, thyroid disease, pulmonary fibrosis, cancer, arthritis, anemia, among others. She has appointments in KC in a few weeks, but until then we’re just going to baby her a bit and figure out what can be done on our end. If anything were really serious, we want to be ready as a family to do whatever we can.

Here’s to hope.

April 20, 2010

message.

Your voice cut out every few seconds
but in between the spaces and shock
I caught that you were truly sorry
and would be home sometime next month
from wherever it is you decided to disappear to.

I sat in the cold quiet then pushed play again
in case I had missed anything the first time around.
The words were the same, always the same
but I was different.
I was different.

How nice of you to call though,
now that I don’t need you.

April 19, 2010

crazy-eyed.

He stood there
holding some unimportant conversation
with my dad
on the day I met him,
looking like any other guy,
only a million times better.
How long I stared
and whether the shaking
of my hands was noticeable,
I’m not really sure.
But I do know he made me smile
from the first hello.
It’s those times he drives me the craziest,
when he isn’t trying.

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April 19, 2010

almost.

I am so close 
and still so far away.

I know you are just beyond 
the bright lights of the city,
patiently awaiting an approaching dawn
through the haze of mist
and sinking rain.
A gray thick fogginess settling soft 
between me and you.

I won’t see your face this morning.

This stretch of highway
collects the beads of rain like
the words I meant to tell you
but couldn’t find the time
or the effort or the simple courage.
You make me learn
lessons hard.

Nobody warned me
that someone so unexpected
could so affect me
with just his smile
the way you do.

I miss you differently here
more than a normal morning,
knowing you’re just farther
down this road
and still so far away.

I want to fix you beside me,
just comfortable as we are
laughing and holding hands as I drive.
Your presence is unequivocal
to the person I am–
half of you, half of me.

April 18, 2010

silent sunday.

April 17, 2010

ink me up.


I’ve wanted a new tattoo for quite a while, but I could never find something that I absolutely had to have permanently inked on my skin so I always passed. I’ve been thinking, and this was just right.

Over the past few weeks, I have been so stressed out and worn down, and I realized these past 2 days that it really took a toll on me.

I worry so much about things that don’t really matter in the end. I think of people too often who don’t even care about me. I hold anger about things that will never change no matter how angry I ever am. I put everything ahead of taking care of myself. I have to remind myself to let things go, let them work themselves out, let them be. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen, right? I just need to “let it be.”

So now, I am breathing easy. Also, this is my present to myself for the anniversary of my wreck on April 26. I’m just 10 days early.

April 15, 2010

untitled.


these tears on my cheeks aren’t for you
or the shitty way you treated me
or the fact that you didn’t care at all.

they don’t tell a story
or release any pain.
they don’t really do anything
except smear already-old eyeliner.

these tears are just tears
for the sad sake of crying.
they aren’t for you.
they’re for me.

April 14, 2010

looking up.

The stress has been so much better over the past few days. It all seems to be working itself out, slowly. My dad got out of the hospital and has been feeling good, and the situation with my brother is not exactly resolved but isn’t quite the burden it was. He is dealing with his own problem I guess, and it’s time that he take that responsibility.

Anyway, days are looking better. The next 6 weeks are going to be a whirlwind of birthdays and graduations and weddings. April and May are just crazy months!

April 13, 2010

magnolia


You are beautiful.
You are calming.

You are just what I need.

And I,
I am enamored.

April 12, 2010

ever feel this way?

April 11, 2010

silent sunday.

April 9, 2010

springtime tulips.

Isn’t there just something happy about a tulip? They always seem to be smiling, bright and cheerfully, to the sun. They are my favorites.

April 8, 2010

april, april, go away.

I hate April. Besides the blooming of flowers and the green returning to the grass, April is just full of bad for me. For as long as I can remember, bad things happen in April. Maybe it’s just all a coincidence, or I maybe I put too much into thinking that April is a hexed month, but either way, I can’t seem to shake it. This year, with Dad’s hospitalization again this week due to another bout of pneumonia and Donnie’s stupidity skyrocketing, it is confirmed again.

I noticed the trend last year, and after thinking back, it was more and more obvious that April seems to be a common denominator in so many bad memories. Every time I hear someone say the date, it’s a sting. When I was in the hospital so long ago, every new doctor or physical therapist would continuously ask me “What is your injury date?” and I would always have to reply “April 26.” They could never remember because they had dozens of patients to worry about, so repeating it was routine. I think that is where my hate of April really stems from, and maybe that is silly to some, but to me, it’s just how it is.

I need May to be here. Like yesterday.

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April 8, 2010

chrysalis

wrapped in my arms,
i protect you
as best i can
from the grit in the wind
and the crispness of spring rain.

as best i can.

you are my kind of beautiful.

April 7, 2010

almost time.

Matt’s graduation is coming up soon. I don’t hardly even remember when he started high school, but now they’re letting him out. Crazy. We took his senior pictures in August and got those ready. Then I spent the past 2 months thinking about and designing his announcements, and the past few days have been putting them together and getting them ready to be mailed. Finally, the entire things are done!



Final product. The vellum comes up on the right and you can take his senior pictures out.