Archive for May, 2010

May 31, 2010

this isn’t so.

You can’t decide for me
how my heart will wait
or for how long.

You can’t leave any more words
harsher than the impression
of your turned back in my mind,
leaving me for good.

You can’t fix me, or break me harder,
and I decided
you can’t come back either.

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May 31, 2010

goals for the week.

A lot of these might carry over into next week, but I always find it easier to get motivated and accomplish something when I have it on a list that can be checked off. And if I have it here, where everyone can see whether I am doing it or not, it might give me more motivation. Hopefully there won’t be a million additions to this list.

make it to KC for Paper Source trip and some ME time.
catch up on emails.
–send in this refund for this money order. Major pain in the ass.
Wear my new favorite tank top.
Taco Bueno.
–drink only water all week long. This one might be a challenge!
make Kool-Aid popsicles for the girls.
–take Caleb his camera I promised. He’s going to be excited.
–get a lot of The Poisonwood Bible read.
–get more garage sale stuff sorted and marked.
clean out van
–find air fresheners I misplaced
–peel Washburn W off the back window of the van
open a checking account
–stand every single day. no skipping.
Lunch with Maria!

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May 30, 2010

jared allen is getting married this weekend…

So I had to sport the Vikings shirt!

May 29, 2010

this is the way I am today.


I am: exhausted even though I’m not busy.
I think: I’m going to just relax this weekend.
I know: too much & not enough.
I want: a new DSLR camera. Like really bad.
I have: Disney songs on my iPod, and i love em.
I dislike: waking up early.
I miss: seeing my friends every day. Life gets busy.
I fear: lots of things & nothing at all. I’m weird.
I feel: worn out.
I hear: some kids’ show on in the other room.
I smell: laundry detergent.
I crave: sunshine.
I usually: am considered shy, until you know me.
I search: everyday for something.
I wonder: what will be remembered of me.
I regret: never taking the opportunity to really know ZP before he died.
I love: that people love me.
I care: genuinely about other people’s well-being.
I am always: putting others before myself.
I worry: about things that don’t matter in the end (bad habit!).
I remember: what it feels like to walk, which is weird at times.
I have: too many hobbies to justify being this bored.
I dance: at the most random times.
I sing: a lot and badly.
I don’t always: follow through (another bad habit).
I argue: when I know I am right.
I write: a LOT.
I lose: my patience occasionally when people stare at me.
I wish: I could change some things.
I listen: more than I talk.
I don’t understand: how some people can be so selfish. Boggles my mind.
I can usually be found: with a pen or camera in my hand or my nose in a book.
I am scared: that maybe things will never change.
I need: to let a lot of anger go, but I don’t really want to. It makes me strong when I need it to.
I forget: to not let other people get the best of me.
I am happy: 90% of the time. The other 10% I try to pretend to be happy.

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May 28, 2010

bangbang.

All this time I thought
there was something adventurous
about you,
exotic even,
or the opposite of exotic.
Blonde-haired
blue-eyed
tattooed up and down
bike-riding fool.

That appealing thrill,
the burst of excitement
of even being around you,
left as soon as
I met a dozen other fools
just like you.

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May 27, 2010

neighbor.

He lives in the lime-green painted house
hidden behind a soft forest
of peonies and clematis
overgrown and green and out of control.
Still he can be seen
on the hottest of summer days
with his long dark hair
peeking from beneath his straw hat
planting more trees, flowers, bushes.
His screen door slams occasionally
when his 3 daughters, 3 shades of blonde,
visit on Sunday afternoons
with grandchildren that stir up
that lifeless tire swing, hung years ago
with soft rope for his girls’ delicate skin.
Friendly he waves as he backs from his driveway,
music beating from behind
his truck’s rolled-up windows.
His dog roams aimlessly
through the foliage
and seems as lost as his owner.

Alone,
he just likes his own social solidarity.

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May 27, 2010

a girl can always hope.

I left my wounded heart with you
in the nightstand next to the bed
because maybe when you are looking
for what you lost
and you open the top drawer
in the dim yellow light of the lamp
it will be right there

and you’ll remember me too.

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May 26, 2010

vacation.


If I could go to the moon,
I’d want to take you with me.

I’d want to see your face
everyday among the stars.

I’d want to feel your weightlessness
right along with mine.

I’d want to listen to your milky voice
in that black atmosphere.

If I go to the moon,
I’m taking you with me.

Maybe we should start packing.

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May 25, 2010

it’s in the wind.


I went to the lake yesterday afternoon and parked in the small park below the dam. For such a gorgeous day, supposedly the best that we’ll see this entire week (boo rain!), it was empty. It was a Monday, of course, so maybe everyone was at work, but still I expected some sort of fun to be happening. The lake was empty, and not one car drove over the dam.

Instead, it was me and the wind and some very chirp-happy birds. Totally serene and relaxing. I am one of those people who needs some sort of calming noise in the dark to rock me to sleep, usually a fan (or heater, depending). The sound and feel of the wind was almost enough to make me want to sprawl out and take a nap in the sunshine.

More calming days like yesterday are needed. I forgot what it felt like to feel so by myself and clear in my thoughts, so okay with where my life is at. Too often I forget that I need to live for me, not for anyone else or their expectations.

May 24, 2010

empty.


the little clothespins clipped
the empty line
and waited for something
significant to hold between
their rough pieces of wood
that were otherwise seemingly
useless to their own existence.

May 23, 2010

silent sunday.

May 22, 2010

almost here.

In preparation for my Unravelling class starting Monday, I decided to do a little decorating to the notebook I bought. It turned out just like I wanted.

Today I am planning on sitting outside in the warm wind and reading. It’s going to be a great Saturday.

May 21, 2010

creativity stunted.

I read a post recently in the Google Reader about creativity, and the lack of “real” friends that this person shared such interests with. I honestly don’t remember who wrote it (wish I did!), but I remember saying “Oh man, that’s exactly how I feel!”

I sometimes feel so alone in creativity in real life. Sure, I have friends who are photographers and painters and artists and poets. They’re super talented people, but it never really comes up in conversation that often. I think half of the problem is just that: the conversation isn’t right. Or the setting. It’s hard to have a really intelligent conversation about projects at a bar with blithering drunks around. I need to change settings with these people. (Not that the only place we go is to bars, but you get the idea.)

So that’s a goal to add to my list. More creativity with REAL people. Don’t get me wrong. Some of the most creative, inspiring people have made their way into my life (and heart) through the internet. I wouldn’t trade them for the world, but I need some real words, real conversations, real hands-on show-me-what-you’re-working-on type of things too. I’m going to make it a point to get it out there, into whatever we’re talking about.

I’m gonna be pushy for once! Watch out!

May 20, 2010

photo dump.

Lots of random shots taken from the past few months. I haven’t had time, or patience, or reason to show them so here they are.








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May 19, 2010

see through you.

It’s as empty as you are
sitting alone in the kitchen
on the counter catching
whatever rays the sun
feels up to offering today.

It’s as dry as you are
without the liquor to keep it useful
and it’s probably as happy too.

That empty glass
is exactly what we are.

Each alone
and completely void.

May 17, 2010

it’s there.


Sometimes all the things
you need to hear
have already been said,
just in a different way.

Maybe it was the breakfast
he cooked before your interview
or the call to the radio station
to request your favorite song
and then making it your ringtone.

Maybe words aren’t his thing,
so look around
and listen a little harder.

It’s there somewhere.

May 16, 2010

silent sunday.

May 14, 2010

and to kindergarten we go.

This darling little girl graduated from preschool today. She was so proud of herself, and she made sure she was soaking it up. It was a big deal for her.

They found out on Wednesday that her blood tests that I mentioned here showed she has mild arthritis and possibly a milk allergy. She also has to see a eye specialist because she might have a bit of inflammation. But otherwise, she’s healthy. Thankfully, because we need lots more moments like these:



May 14, 2010

shawna.

We were young,
and I don’t remember a thing
we ever worried about.

We spent our time
picking teams and playing kickball,
butterflies among those boys.

Everything was okay then
in the sun.

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May 13, 2010

let’s just be honest.


I would completely be lying if I ever tried to deny this.

It distinctly reminds me of a quote from the 2005 version of Pride and Prejudice. Jane tells Lizzie “One of these days, Lizzie, someone will catch your eye and then you’ll have to watch your tongue.”

Well, it’s going to take one hell of a fantastic man to make me swoon the way I have before. One hell of a fantastic man.

May 12, 2010

tough.


She smiled through pain,
laughed through tears
and made the best
of every moment she had.

She was the one in control
after all, she decided.

It was all hers.

May 10, 2010

365 off.

I have decided to abandon my 365 project. Honestly, once I fell behind and caught up again, I realized my day-to-day life just isn’t interesting enough to make this practical or even really fun. So 126 pictures in, I’m wrapping that up. You can see them all here if you’d like. I’ll still be posting and uploading to flickr on a regular basis, but it’ll be on my own terms again, with stuff I like to show and not pictures I feel I have to post just to make sure I have a picture every single day. It makes me feel pressured and uncreative, when it actually is meant to be the opposite.

So, good riddance 365. It was nice knowing you for a while.

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May 10, 2010

junk.


The smell of bleach makes me gag. Really, it does.

I am borderline obsessed with finding new music to like.

I think M&Ms have the best tasting chocolate, even though Skor is my favorite candy bar.

I wear retainers 4 nights a week. I didn’t wear braces for 3 years for nothing.

I’m a junk food-a-holic.

I’m reading Water for Elephants for the third time. It’s just that good of a book.

I love the smell of fresh cut grass and lilacs.

People usually say my smile is my best feature.

I’ve never seen a Freddy Krueger movie.

I quite dislike all but one of our neighbors. They’re not very nice people.

I’m so not a morning person.

I love, love, love alliteration. It makes me happy.

I say “fuck” a lot when I’m frustrated or mad.

I hate talking on the phone and listening to voicemail. Text me instead.

May 9, 2010

silent sunday.

May 8, 2010

enrolled.

As a gift from a friend, I am now registered in Susannah Conway’s Unravelling e-course for this summer. I have to say that I am very excited. I’ve always loved her blog and her photography and mostly, her softness with words. I imagine that she’s one of those women who leave a mark on people’s hearts.

May 24 feels a long ways away.