Archive for December, 2010

December 30, 2010

no doubt.

I want to spill it out
and leave nothing inside
that might be of some comfort
to your own heart
instead of mine.

I want you to lap it up
soak it in
and only leave when you
can go with the sense that

somebody does
love you
without question.

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December 29, 2010

random moment.

I watched Eat, Pray, Love.

And I cried. Not because the story was particularly happy or sad, but because I realized that I had no idea who I am without this pain that I hold onto, without the strength that it gives me. I am afraid to give it up because I like that strength, but I don’t want it to make me get lost in myself. I can’t lose me.

I can’t lose me, even if I don’t know who I am yet.

December 28, 2010

all i know is that i should…

I cannot get over how much I love this song. I first heard it so long ago, and it’s been in regular rotation since. I can’t love it any more than I already do, and it couldn’t describe me any better.

December 27, 2010

outta bed, sleepyhead.


Back to work today. It’s probably going to be a busy week considering how slow last week was. I don’t mind because it makes the time go by faster, and that’s always a good thing during the day.

I haven’t really done anything productive outside of work. Lots of eating and lounging and trying to enjoy the time off. It’s like I crash when I have down time. Hard. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. I must run on adrenaline all week and hit a low on weekends. I’m not sure, but I am hoping that I find a stride soon.

I am tired of being tired.

December 25, 2010

I wish you could be here
for the laughs and the jokes
for ripping of paper
and shredding of hearts.

I wish you weren’t so far
alone and away
doing whatever
they do where you are–
but right here
with the rest of us.

There is always
someone missing
with a reason
not good enough.

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December 25, 2010

merry christmas!

I hope you all are surrounded by loving family and enjoying some great Christmas food.

I hope you are having fun and laughing.

I hope you are appreciating all the goodness of this year!

I hope you have a great Merry Christmas!

December 23, 2010

tis the season.

Craig Hospital. It was my home away from home for nearly 4 months. Months that looking back were horrible and weakening. It became my safe haven, a place that made me feel like I was the normal one and all the walking people were outnumbered.

The therapists, counselors, doctors, patients and their families all became a part of my family. They supported me at a time when I don’t think I could have handled things by myself. I thought I was so tough back then ( and to a certain point, I was), but I realize now that without their friendship and encouragement to be as independent as possible, I would probably be a very different person today. Probably less outgoing, less independent, less happy and definitely less driven.

And I want to “give back.”

I want anyone who has to go through anything close to what I did to have that same support and encouragement. The same opportunities and care. I want them to be pushed and held up and loved and hugged, just like I was.

I have given to charities before. I walked for the March of Dimes the very night I was injured in fact, so it’s not just something that being paralyzed has opened me up to. Children’s Miracle Network was the organization that used funds to fly me to Craig in the first place. There are so many that need donations, but I keep mine close to home I guess you could say.

Sending money directly to Craig, knowing that it is helping someone in a situation that I unfortunately know all too well, makes my heart melt with love and empathy. There is a selfishness in charities I suppose. That feeling that you are helping someone else is intoxicating.

I plan on feeling it quite often from now on.

December 22, 2010

in this moment,


I am….
+ deprived of sleep.
+ feeling tender-hearted & happy & sad & loved & lonely. All at the same time.
+ addicted to Kenny Chesney’s new song “Somewhere With You.”
+ wishing Thursday would hurry and be here already.
+ wondering why, why, WHY, I agreed to give blood. Scary!
+ trying not to watch the clock. The minutes seem longer today.

December 21, 2010

pillow, please?

Wow, I have been slacking, mostly because I feel like somehow has drained every shred of energy out of my body with a syringe or something. I had to drink an energy drink yesterday, and I never do that.

Work is busy, then slow, then busy, then super slow. It never seems to find a middle ground at all. I have been helping design a logo and templates for newsletters, which are turning out rather well, although we decided to completely change the logo today and go for something different. Tomorrow, I’ll be starting over. I don’t mind; designing is more like fun than work. I can cross the logo off my 25 list too.

I did manage to get the presents done for my nieces and nephews though. I’m not going to say what is inside, of course, but I’m pretty sure that they’ll like it. I use jewelry kraft boxes that I bought way back in the summer. They worked perfectly for what I was trying to accomplish. Then I used red and silver chipboard letters and white yarn to make them pretty.

I can’t wait until Christmas!


December 17, 2010

email.

“You always get all of my sunshine.”

How does he do that? How?! One sentence, and I’m butter.

It’s hard not to smile when you know someone far away is thinking of you, even if you haven’t seen each other for so long or hardly even talked. When you have a friend that close to your heart that it skips a little bit knowing they’re emailing for no reason other than just to say hi, it’s something.

Life gets busy. People grow up, but real friends are just the way they were when you last saw them. Real friends make you feel just as good far away as they could right next to you.

December 16, 2010

anyway,


While I am at work today, sketching logos and typing corrective actions, I hope you all have a great Thursday.

I have a feeling that no matter what, mine will be.

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December 15, 2010

shiny.

I care about you
the way I would care
about anyone with a heart
built as if love could
make them fly
and lips could really taste of sugar.

Your faith in this, to love
like we are new,
never felt heartache,
never been scared.
It is quite contagious.

If this is starting over,
let’s get going.

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December 13, 2010

K to the indle.

My Kindle 3 is here. And wonderful.

Let me say, I love books, real hold-in-my-hand books. I hope that they are still made as abundantly in 100 years as they are today, but with gadgets like this, it’s doubtful that they will be.

I have started The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest, and I can’t seem to put my Kindle down! I have read the other 2 books in the series, but I was waiting for TGWKtHN to come out in paperback before I bought it (hardback books are a pain for me to handle easily). Now I’ll be done with the story before that happens. I have a whole library downloaded already so I can just start on whatever book I choose when I finish another.

It was a wonderful gift to give myself.

December 12, 2010

raelyn turns one.


Pretty girl Raelyn turned on this past Friday, and we spent yesterday at Chuck E Cheese celebrating. She was a riot. I was nervous as to how she would react to all the people, but she did awesome. No crying, no fussing, nothing except smiles and giggles. Then she fell asleep on my lap full of frosting and Sprite. It was a great day.

December 11, 2010

plain and simple.


How I wish everything was simple
How I wish everything didn’t end in lies
How I wish I could just keep turning back time
How I wish I could be more like me
When I didn’t have to worry about myself
How I wish I could just keep turning back time


“Don’t Cry” by Olivia Broadfield

I haven’t cried in a long time. Not about being paralyzed anyway. There seems to be times when paralysis and everything that goes with it gets me down, for a week or sometimes a little longer. It’s all I can think about. All the things I miss, all the things I can’t do, all the things I wish were different. It sort of consumes me like exhaustion, and it makes my heart weak and sensitive. Once every few months, I cry so hard at night from frustration and anger that it hurts. It builds and builds until crying is the only way to get it out of me.

And then there are other times, like now, that I’m not concerned much with any of that. I do what I want when I want, and I do it with a smile on my face, enjoying every single minute of every day. I forget sometimes in those small dips of depression that I really, really do have a pretty fantastic life. One definitely worth living to its fullest.

I am happy. And I am because I said I would be. I told myself from the very beginning, when I was the one trying to cheer everyone else up, that this would not make my life any less happy. I just have to remind myself every so often.

So here is to another few months of happiness and no tears. And jingle bells and twinkly lights!

December 10, 2010

Friday.

image

Exhausted and busy.

December 9, 2010

work to do.

In the past months I have gotten so much positive feedback on my writing. So much encouragement. All of that has translated into a confidence and a willingness to share more than I have ever had before. Believe me, I used to guard this stuff.

So as a part of my 25 list again, I am going to try to get a poem published. I don’t know where or how or which one, but it’s worth the effort either way. (keyword in this paragraph: try).

Comments? Suggestions? Help??

December 8, 2010

oh my my.

in a strange urge
to run away
I bought a gun,
some bullets,
and a tankful of gas

and drove to the
furthest field I could find
and shot at a target
in the shape
of a heart.

Maybe love is
dangerous after all.

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December 7, 2010

Tuesday.

image

This is what my day will be.  Coffee and paperwork.  Lovely. 

December 6, 2010

mini book/journal done.

Here it is. My first mini since Elise‘s mini class. It’s been done for a while actually, but I just haven’t had the time or the energy to take pictures, organize them, and get them on here. And I haven’t written a single word in it yet either. Soon, though, soon.

I used a lot of paper that I had laying around along with some Hambly overlays. Nothing fancy or expensive.

December 5, 2010

brrrrr!

I chickened out on the Chiefs game today against the Broncos. Even though I really, really wanted to be there, I had a valid reason. I’m too much of a sissy in the cold, that’s why. I mean, look at this forecast.

Wind chill = 16 degrees. That’s ridiculous! I’ll be staying in the comfort of my own home in front of my little space heater watching the Chiefs whoop up on Denver. That’s fine by me. Ashley and Robyn took Xander and Luke along in place of Maria and I (she’s a chicken of the cold too, haha). They’ll have fun without us.

Here’s to a good football Sunday!

December 4, 2010

instant.


there are times at night
it all feels very dark

then from somewhere unseen
you come to wrap me warm
and say
“You darling
are going to be
just fine.”

and that’s all it takes
to turn it around.

December 3, 2010

putting this out there.

Someone asked me yesterday what my deal is, why I am so scared of falling in love and letting someone love me. Um, seriously?

I guess I didn’t know I was so completely transparent, except on this blog. I don’t really talk about that “in real life” to people other than maybe my sister and mother. It’s not the sort of thing that is a normal cheerful conversation.

Now all I can think of is how many people probably see right through me.

Anyway, to answer this person’s question, what scares me most about love is that I have seen what people are capable of doing to hurt those they say they love. The total lack of consideration. The blatant disrespect. The disregard for anyone’s feelings except their own.

I have seen that hurt, and I have felt it. I still feel it. A man’s lapse of judgment and night of selfishness (or whatever it was) cost me all trust in that relationship, and every relationship since. I don’t think it was intentional to hurt me so deeply, but he sure as hell wasn’t thinking of me at that time.

We should be careful when we hold someone else’s heart in our hands. Think before we act. Or talk. Think before we even think about talking.

Another thing scares me about love, too. I am afraid I’ll never feel for anyone else what I felt for him before he hurt me. And that is something I can’t quite figure out. How wanting to love that deeply can be accomplished when it is the only thing I am afraid of.

I’m getting better at it though. And that’s the good news.

December 2, 2010

I meant to get pictures of my new office, but dang it, it has been so busy at work! Month-end reports, audits, corrective actions, plus a million other things. I’ll get some next week hopefully.

My new Kindle is on its way. I’m so excited! Now, let me assure you, I love paperback books. I love that I can dog-ear pages that I want to come back to. I love feeling accomplished when I can see my bookmark getting closer and closer to the back. Paperback books are so cumbersome though. I don’t have the energy to lug one around all the places that I want to go. And I am prone to papercuts ALL the time. It’s a gift to get a papercut in the oddest (and most sensitive) places on my hands. I hate that. I told my mom to NOT get me a Kindle because I was buying one myself. She laughed and said she was surprised it took me this long. :)

No other news. This week has been seriously exhausting.

Chiefs game on Sunday!! (Oooh yes, get ready Denver!)

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December 1, 2010

hello, december!


I hope we are going to get along much better this year. What do you think? Hmmm…