putting this out there.

Someone asked me yesterday what my deal is, why I am so scared of falling in love and letting someone love me. Um, seriously?

I guess I didn’t know I was so completely transparent, except on this blog. I don’t really talk about that “in real life” to people other than maybe my sister and mother. It’s not the sort of thing that is a normal cheerful conversation.

Now all I can think of is how many people probably see right through me.

Anyway, to answer this person’s question, what scares me most about love is that I have seen what people are capable of doing to hurt those they say they love. The total lack of consideration. The blatant disrespect. The disregard for anyone’s feelings except their own.

I have seen that hurt, and I have felt it. I still feel it. A man’s lapse of judgment and night of selfishness (or whatever it was) cost me all trust in that relationship, and every relationship since. I don’t think it was intentional to hurt me so deeply, but he sure as hell wasn’t thinking of me at that time.

We should be careful when we hold someone else’s heart in our hands. Think before we act. Or talk. Think before we even think about talking.

Another thing scares me about love, too. I am afraid I’ll never feel for anyone else what I felt for him before he hurt me. And that is something I can’t quite figure out. How wanting to love that deeply can be accomplished when it is the only thing I am afraid of.

I’m getting better at it though. And that’s the good news.


One Comment to “putting this out there.”

  1. sometimes people don’t think when they do things and then they regret them, but it’s too late.
    i think we’ve all got that one guy in our lives that made us wonder if we can love someone like that again. the answer is YES! :) It’s scary, but when we tread slowly, it’ll all come back to us.

    just keep living and believing :)

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