Archive for January, 2011

January 31, 2011

I can remember
just like I never forgot

like it was just yesterday
and I’ve only had one
chance to sleep it away

like it is so real
that it never even happened

to me
or any of us

and time doesn’t fade
the memories,
just makes it apparent
that they are a little bit further
away than they were the day.

January 27, 2011

RIP Jake.

A friend died today. Far too young and far too quietly.

Jake, also in a wheelchair from a cervical spinal cord injury, passed away this morning after suffering a stroke from a blood clot that traveled to his brain stem, causing a stroke.

He hated being paralyzed. Not that anyone ever likes it, but Jake had such a disdain and nowhere to direct it. It makes my heart weak and scares me to know that it was his injury ultimately that killed him. I think, though, that he wouldn’t have it any other way. Finally paralysis/spinal cord injury/complications can be to blame. It’s their fault he isn’t here.

He had come so far and worked so hard to get movement in his arms back. He wasn’t satisfied and even up until yesterday, he was working. That determination was what drove him most of the time I think. It’s also what frustrated him too. Sometimes our bodies just don’t do what we tell them to, no matter how hard we try.

Last I talked to him, he seemed in good spirits, and we had talked about hanging out as soon as the snow had disappeared. We were kind of like the wheelchair duo around here.

I hope he is up there running and jumping and skipping and dancing and laughing. Doing all the things he so badly wanted to do. I hope he finds the peace he had been missing since his injury. I hope he has the happiness.

Even though we didn’t always agree (sports teams, politics, some handicap issues), he was my friend and I will miss him. It makes me so sad to know that he is gone, just like that.

Just like that. I hate that part.

January 27, 2011

it’s that time of year again.

Who can resist Girl Scout cookies. I mean, really? Every year I get roped into buying them from my friends’ kiddos, and this year, the guys at work are being good daddies and selling them around the plant. Thin Mints and Caramel Delights = LOVE!

Here to sugaring myself up!

p.s. You know how I was wanting to gain a few pounds? Well I am up 4 from what I was when I last weighed about a month ago! And no, I haven’t been gorging myself with unhealthy food, just eating at regular intervals. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner. I am proud of myself.

January 26, 2011

25 update.

1. Crochet a scarf.
2. Make at least 1 Head Change show.
3. Repaint and redecorate my room.
4. Use my laptop on a more regular basis.
5. Read 15 books total, including at least 3 design books.
6. Attend at least 1 Chiefs game. (not gonna happen, too cold!)
7. Buy a new van.
8. Make friend dates more often.
9. Wear more accessories.
10. Try at least 3 new restaurants.
11. Meet 5 new friends.
12. Design a logo.
13. Buy a new DSLR.
14. Get an orchid.
15. Have a garage sale.
16. Make and keep an eye appointment.
17. Sell a photo print.
18. Take naps.
19. Watch 10 new movies.
20. Less worrying.
21. Save money. (After the new DSLR, of course.)
22. Sew.
23. Go 1 day per week unplugged from internet.
24. Get a poem published.
25. Send more mail.

There are a few goals that aren’t going to be accomplished before August, and I am okay with it. No Chiefs game. Probably not the scarf. But as long as I get most of them scribbled off the list, I’ll be happy. I’m halfway there already. (And I saw some gorgeous orchids today, just didn’t have enough hands to carry it along with groceries to the car. Maybe this week. )

The best part of making goals is putting it all in my little book. :)

January 25, 2011

with some searching.

I like to think I am a total badass.

I suppose that I am, a little bit, in between the soft heart and quietly emotional soul.

There is some badass in there somewhere.

January 23, 2011


Follow my blog with bloglovin

I’m in, mostly as a trial to see what all the fuss is about. We’ll see how this works out.

January 23, 2011

Easy weekend.

+ Michael’s Crafts had a sale. And of course, I was there.
+ KU basketball. We lost at home, ending a 69-game streak. I almost cried.
+ Super soft hair thanks to Frizz Ease conditioner. Love that stuff.
+ Full poetry manuscript printed. Now to pick a few to send.
+ Glazed pear candle floating in the air.
+ Reruns of Teen Mom (bad addictive reality tv!!!)
+ Scrambled eggs and fried potatoes.
+ Writing. Look for some new poetry soon.
+ Ave Ventura. One of my all-time favorite movies. Loo-hoo-zay-her!
+ Thinking of a new tattoo. Something small and super cute.
+ Organizing craft things. It’s getting out of control.

January 21, 2011

there you are, smile.

(if you could hear or see how exhausted I am, you’d understand.)

We can’t all have our dream job. We can’t all be millionaires or have exactly what we want. We can’t all be happy all of the time. The past two weeks have been stressful (and completely pull-my-hair-out frustrating) at work. I’ve picked up some extra work for the accounting department, and what I thought was relatively simple turned out to be not to simple at all. I am also working on the Training Team, doing videos of procedures/jobs in the plant. We’re just starting this project and only have the first video shot (and waiting for me to edit), but I am excited to get the rest of them going too. I want to prove to them that I can do this and make a considerable impact in the way that new employees are trained.

This new(er) office helps a little bit. Now understand that I work in a cellophane plant that is over 50 years old. And it still has all of the original furniture. Vintage stuff. I managed to snag a desk that is relatively new, but my office still is nothing like I wish it was. It is mine though, and not a borrowed office from the boss (I think he talked me into a new office so he could have his back, ha).

Until I do find a job that is much more like my dream job than this one is, I have to deal by making it pretty and my own. Decor, organization, comfort, me. It needs that.

I’m starting to really get used to all the other things around here also. I don’t know why I was so nervous about Mandy going on maternity and leaving the work to myself. I can handle it. Yes, it can be stressful, but I can handle the people (most of the time anyway). I have learned how they work, and if I close my office door halfway, they don’t bother me, unless they need something of course. They don’t always listen to me about deadlines, but now that Mandy is back, I have backup on that.

I’m getting by just fine.

P.S. As for the exhaustion thing, I am going to catch up on sleep this weekend. I spent all night the night before last in the ER with my mom. They fixed her up with antibiotics and pain killers and said she’d probably be better in a week. Being awake for 24 hours straight is NOT for me. I only let myself sleep until noon yesterday (on my day off) so that my sleep schedule wouldn’t be horribly disrupted. It has caught up with me a little bit, and coffee is going to be my friend this afternoon.

January 19, 2011

so sick of it.

I need a change. I don’t know what yet, but a little voice inside me is crying for something new. New hair color? New scenery? New people? I’m not sure.

Maybe I just need something so that I don’t stir crazy in this cold, crazy weather. I tend to get antsy if I’m in the same situation for too long, and for the past 5 months, it has basically been wake up, go to work, come home, sleep. Every day. Definitely, there needs to be a change.

I am going to Kansas City tomorrow for an appointment, and then maybe some sight-seeing. If i don’t freeze my fingers off, I’ll find something worth photographing. We’ll see how that goes.

Happy Wednesday!

January 17, 2011


I suppose it doesn’t matter much
what I think
because my heart, well,
it will do what it wants anyway.

January 17, 2011

It almost looks like my piles of homework used to look, but that’s the poetry piles. Drafts and revisions and magazines. Ones that I’ll probably throw out before anyone ever lays eyes on them and ones that I want everyone to see and know. I have a lot of sorting and deciding to do before I have what I want, and I only hope that I don’t get bored with the process before I am done.

I promise I won’t drag on and on about this either. :) It’s not the only thing exciting happening right now or anything. ;)

January 16, 2011


A little light streaming in and a nice warm bed….I really didn’t want to wake up this morning. But I did.

It has been a quiet weekend, and I couldn’t have asked for anything better. I need some of that quiet, lay-low time in my life these days when everything else is go, go, go. I managed to get some writing in. Some reading too, in fact. I’m reading The Book Thief right now, and it is fantastic. It reads almost like poetry, and it is one of those books that gets ideas swirling in my head. I love that!

It should be a fast week. I am not working on Thursday (as long as the boss approves, that is) so maybe that will help save my sanity too. 5-day work weeks feel so long!


January 15, 2011

gorgeous song.

Made me cry the first time hearing it, and almost every time since.

January 12, 2011

step one.

Find my market.

I am finally doing something about that “publishing a poem” goal I have. I was so excited that this book came in the mail for me today. It feels like the start of an adventure.

I am doing research, starting where I can. And hoping that it works out the way I want. Before I would hide any poetry that I had written, shy about it, like it was a secret. Now that I share regularly on this blog and get positive feedback, I want to share more, with people who might not look to blogs for a poetry outlet.

I’m just gonna do it and see where I end up.

Wish me luck. I might need it!

January 11, 2011

winter wonderland.

Snow, snow. It’s always pretty at first, then it just becomes a pain. Cold and wet and yucky and not white anymore, but nasty brown. Today was the first big snow (almost 10″), and the pretty still is hanging around though. Tomorrow might be a different story.

And while everyone else is out sledding and having fun, I’ll be in my office getting things ready for the auditor next week. Talk about a drag. I’d rather be curled up with my Kindle and a cup of cocoa.


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January 10, 2011

that feeling.

Sometimes I’m glad you don’t have to understand, and other times, I wish you could.

Sometimes I just want to go backwards and change such little things.

Sometimes the frustration is the absolute hardest part.

January 9, 2011

hey, we tried.

And we couldn’t do it.

My poor Chiefs. It was a good season though, and hopefully we can build on it and get better next year.

January 8, 2011

weekend plans.

+ Kendall’s birthday party. 4 years old and beautiful.
+ start a new book.
+ change wheels on my wheelchair.
+ pictures.
+ set up the Wii. And play Donkey Kong!!
+ Sleep.
+ Sleep.

January 5, 2011

goals, goals.

I always do yearly goals. Not resolutions. It’s easier to work toward a goal than to have a resolution and break it. I think resolutions are like working backwards.

I don’t really know why we make yearly goals though. If we have goals, why shouldn’t we start them right away, when we think they are important? Why couldn’t I have started these things 6 weeks, 5 months, 2 years ago? I don’t know either. I sort of think yearly goals are ridiculous in that way.

But I always make them anyway. I don’t always stick to them, and some get pushed back to birthday goals. I am just the sort of person who feels better about doing, more motivated, if it’s written down somewhere. Otherwise it’s just an idea out there floating around, not a certain goal.

For 2011, I want to:

+ take more pictures. I slacked this year.
+ blog more “in the moment.”
+ no more sloppy drunk nights. I always feel so stupid afterwards!
+ eat better lunches.
+ call friends more often. Less texting.
+ tell people NO.
+ let myself fall, even if it’s just a little.
+ read Harry Potter trilogy. (or at least a few books)

January 4, 2011

tick tock.

time really changes nothing
except for what we want
it to.

time really doesn’t help heal
wounds, just gives us
other reasons to forget
that sharp pain and only feel
an ache on occasion
when we are able to remember
what hurt we hold.
it eventually fills each loss
with new happiness.
it turns scabs to scars
but doesn’t erase
such memories of how
each wound was marked.

time is like a friend
who treats you well
–or badly–depending
on how fast or fun
your days are lived,
what colors you allow
into your life.
I, myself, live beautifully and big
and red.

it floats around in the air
stretching our skin a little farther
with each season
until one day, we hardly recognize
the person we have become,
so different than that young one
who held dreams and hopes
but got sidetracked
along the way.

time isn’t really anything
but feels like

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January 1, 2011

just wanted to say…

I hope that everyone had a safe and happy (and firework-filled) New Year! 2011 is going to be a great year, I can feel it.

My New Year was spent with two of my oldest friends, laughing and crying (not me this time!) and sipping champagne. I haven’t made any resolutions, just goals, but I’ll save those for later.