Archive for February, 2011

February 28, 2011

goodbye, February.

I’ll miss you
and all your red
and pink and hearts
and sour sweetness.

I won’t miss the snow
and shivers
and moments
of complete aggravation
you gave me though.

Take your extra r
and get out of

See you again
next year.

February 27, 2011

it all comes down sometime.

Snow sleeps on my lashes
softly until the warm
of my skin melts it
away to tears.

They don’t need
to be explained,
today anyway.

My heart is just as tender
as the day you’d gone
and my arms just as lonely.

The white is what I imagine
it to be where you are.

Winter will never be as beautiful again.

February 27, 2011

snow day.

These three girls had a blast in the snow. We spent yesterday morning playing in it. Or about 30 minutes anyway. It was cold!

We spent more time getting the snow off of them and getting them into dry clothes than we actually did outside in the snow. It was worth it though.

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February 26, 2011

address in the stars.

Isn’t that just one of the most gut-wrenching songs you’ve ever heard?

I think so.

Every time I hear it, I think about Jake. And how sad it is that he isn’t here anymore. He had so many things he had left to do with life, but he won’t ever get the chance to get over this bump in his life. Sad.

It seems like anytime I ever think of a friend or family member who has died, I always go straight to what they are going to miss, the things they’ll never have the chance to do. Zack’s death really reinforced that “missing out on chance” feeling in me. I never took that chance. My fault. totally. My regret too.

The deaths of people around me who are so young and have such full and promising lives makes it so much more obvious that I need to be taking every opportunity and running with it. And making new opportunities. Taking chances so that there won’t be those regrets later.

February 25, 2011

thoughts (again).

+ I am trying to write nearly every day, and sometimes it’s nice to just have a little update. I am hoping to actually write this weekend. You know, something worth reading.

+ The video that was so fun last week at work has become boring and tedious, but I got it DONE today! Heat seals are not my favorite thing.

+ Ankle twisting = NO fun.

+ I want to spray paint everything in sight. This DIY thing could easily become an addiction.

+ I put on makeup, not because I was going anywhere special, just because I wanted to do it for me. And that’s always a good feeling.

February 24, 2011

I am my own.

I don’t think that a full “picture” comes across on this blog about me, about my personality as a whole, only bits and parts of it. I tend to purge all of the really soft moments and feelings here because I am usually too stubborn and proud to let many people around me see them or comfort me when I might need it. It’s just how I protect myself partly I guess. So I thought I might let you all in on a little more of me, as a whole, beside the writer and photographer and occasional crybaby.

+ I am a smartass. I’ve been told that so many times I can’t even count so it’s not like I gave myself that title. I tend to make light of situations that other don’t (for instance, my paralysis/wheelchair). Sometimes it’s so much easier to heal with things with a laugh.

+ People drive me crazy with their stupidity. I have a short tolerance for people who live their life recklessly and then complain about how messed up things are for them. I am not mean or confrontational or anything like that; I just walk about or change the subject or stay quiet. It gets the point across. If you don’t like the way things are going, change something. Right?

Ah, only two tidbits today. It’s going to be a busy day, but with what, I’m not yet sure.

February 23, 2011

old/new frame.

It was warm enough today to finally get my latest little project in.

A little bit of white spray paint to cover the gold and an Elise Blaha 5×7 print to make it final and complete and perfect.

It sure brightens my room up more than the gold did. It is more matte, and I am all about the matte these days.

(I just wish the light in my room was better to get the full beauty of it.)

February 23, 2011


Sorry I speak my mind
and don’t pretend for people
who don’t deserve it.

Sorry that I have a real heart
that I can’t give away
at the first sweet thing you say.

Sorry I cry sometimes
and get sad.

Sorry I can’t be as perfect
as you want me to be.

And I’m sorry I tried so hard
because as long as she’s around
I’ll do everything wrong.

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February 22, 2011

books or no books.

Remember the days when I read? When I had TIME to read? Yea, those days are long gone.

I bought a Kindle because I thought it would be easier for me take along and read wherever I am. Wrong. I don’t go anywhere! I’m usually too tired after work to mess with anything extra so I catch up on whatever needs to be done before the next day and that’s it.

I am working on making more time to read, and as summer gets closer, I think I’ll be more motivated. I love to read in the warm sun. And I definitely need the quiet time.

The Book Thief is currently the one I want to finish, and hopefully I’ll be through it by the end of February. 9 days. I better get to it!

February 20, 2011

sewing machines and glitter felt.

I love it.

I have been feeling good and creative lately. It’s so nice to have that outlet when work is hectic all week.

February 19, 2011

waiting around.

I wonder if we all have that one person we hope that it might work out with. I know I used to hope and wish and dream that TM and I would somehow find our way back to what we were, and now that I understand that I was in complete denial about the situation, I only hope I’m not the only one who has ever felt that way. (btw, I don’t hope we do anymore.)

TM was a routine almost, and I got too comfortable with the way that things were. The back and forth, love and anger, tears and smiles. It’s old to me now, but for a long time, even though he hurt me (and I am sure I hurt him), I wanted there to be an “us.”

Maybe that’s part of the moving on, the healing, the getting-over-the-bullshit. Maybe being happy with the “me” is the part I’ve been hoping for.

February 18, 2011


+ KU vs KSU = total letdown on my end. Seriously, we got beat by K-State?

+ The boss left Wednesday for England for 2 weeks. I’m waiting for some catastrophe to happen. Something always does!

+ Valentine’s Day didn’t phase me at all.

+ I love my job. I hate my job. I love my job. I hate my job.

+ Insurance companies love to annoy me on purpose I think.

+ Video editing at work has been fun. I missed video more than I realized.

+ A clean office feels like heaven to me.

+ Videos that feature my voice as the voiceover are not.

+ IcyHot has totally been a lifesaver for me lately. My shoulders are just tired.

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February 16, 2011

one step. two steps.

he moved slowly through
like time would tick faster
unless he paced himself
and gave his heart enough
relief from the clock
to keep him still sane.

time was insanity, he knew.
there is never enough
and always too much to handle.
time caused problems.

if he leisured along
and ignored the seconds
he could finish
all the important things
just when he felt
they were due.

February 15, 2011

I am so loving…


+ Everything that Elise ever makes. She is so creative.
+ This project. I can’t get enough of its beauty.
+ The poetry this man writes makes me laugh, cry, and feel like my heart is going to burst. Plus he’s a good guy. Could it get any better!?
+ This post made it so hard to wait for spring and pretty things, besides all this ugly snow we are waiting to melt!
+ Alphabet stamps like this. How pretty!
+ This “You Are My Sunshine” print. I need that softness (and sunshine) in my life!

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February 14, 2011

oh yes, i do.

I hope everyone has a good red and pink and love-filled Valentine’s Day!

February 13, 2011


I feel a whole piece of me
is missing
where I should feel most alive.

Hollow and depleted
negative space,
able to echo from
one word to the next.

Just look and holler
but expect only your words
and a small stare back.
It’s all
I can offer anybody

I am totally full
of emptiness.

February 12, 2011

oh to be that young again.

Last weekend we celebrated Darcy’s birthday, and tonight will be her daughter Lindsay’s celebration for her 21st. It’s hard to believe that my niece is that old already. 21 seems like forever ago to me, but it was a good age. I plan on helping her make 21 a good age for her too.

With only about 5 years between us, we’ve never really had a aunt-niece relationship. More like cousins or sisters. When I was a teenager and finally got a car, I’d go pick her up to go to the mall or wherever. We were close. We still are, but she has her own little family now (Dayton is such a riot). She knows, though, that if she needed anything, I’d be there no matter what.

Happy birthday (party!) Lindsay!

February 10, 2011

i’m still learning.

I’m not too much of a lip stick girl. In fact, I wear as little makeup as possible most of the time. I go with some powder, mascara and Chapstick on a normal basis, but that’s about it. Eyeliner and lip gloss on the weekends. I’m really pretty simple.

Lately I’m on a lip stain kick. I like that it stays on and makes me feel pretty. I like that it takes so little to do that. (I know, the black and white doesn’t make it look like I have any on.) I think I am coming into my own and finding a different kind of confidence in myself, a grown-up kind, where I don’t need the approval of someone else to feel good about who I am. I only need to feel it within myself.

I have to admit that I am feeling quite liberated in that sense. I love that part most of all.

February 9, 2011

pink bubblewrap!

I have never seen this before. How pretty! My mom’s new phone came wrapped up in it, and of course, I couldn’t let her throw it away. I mean, it’s PINK BUBBLEWRAP for crying out loud. I don’t know yet what project I’ll use it for, but I’ll come up with something.

February 8, 2011

complete and utter whine.

Bear with me today. I’ve been awake since 4:30 a.m. and worked a 9-hour shift full of meetings (and not fun ones). To say that I am exhausted would be a complete, complete, complete understatement.

We’re set to get more snow too, and the wind is COLD. Winter can quietly leave at any minute, and I would be just fine with it.

In more cheerful news, Mark and the girls came by yesterday after work. I used to see them almost every single day, but since it’s been cold, they stay home more. They love their Minnies. They were awfully cute.

February 6, 2011

these are my people.

I sometimes dread going out, only because somewhere in the night, there could be a fight or too much drinking. Or that the next morning, I am going to wake up with a horrible headache.

Last night, though, was pretty perfect. We had such a good time laughing and story-telling and eating and making fun of each other for Darcy’s birthday. I definitely needed a night like this with real people. There wasn’t too much drinking, no fighting, and this morning, no signs of a hangover.

So much stress melted away. Next weekend is Lindsay’s 21st (she had to drink Sprite all night!), so I am hoping for a repeat.

Darcy, Lindsay, and myself.

The group of girls.

Amanda and I.

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February 5, 2011

lately I’ve been hard to reach….

I can’t even tell you on how many levels I can relate to this song/rap. I can listen to it over and over and over and never be sick of it too. I cried the first time I heard it because it felt like “oh man, does he know my LIFE?”

Just one of those days I guess.

February 4, 2011

life is lovely.

Lots of color, lots of pattern, lots of pictures (to come of course), lots of love(ly).

I love when an idea feels good and gets me excited. I have been waiting around for something to get me in gear on this 2011 Life is Lovely book, but nothing did. Until last night. Luckily, I’m only a month behind and not six. It’s hard to catch up once you’ve got 6 months of pictures and mementos stuff to get into a mini.

I bought the paper at Big Lots during the summer, and I didn’t have any idea what to do with it. It was more than worth the 5 bucks I paid for it. It’s bright and cheerful and optimistic, and that’s what I am hoping the rest of 2011 is too.

It has to be. Stay tuned.

Also, happy birthday to my sister today! Love you Darcy!

February 3, 2011

wait for it….

I’ve waited a few days to process and settle my excitement about what I am going to tell you…no boys or babies, but I am going to be PUBLISHED in a creative writing/poetry journal. Yes, I sent those submissions just a little over a week ago and already got a response. I wasn’t expecting one for at least 2 weeks or so, so even before I opened the envelope, I was expecting a disappointing letter. There must be quite a list of upcoming poetry submissions that they have chosen at Atlantic Pacific Press because my poem won’t be published until November 2012. That’s almost 2 years away still. And I’ll probably STILL be excited about it when it comes around.

Check one off the 25 goals list!

February 2, 2011

in time for valentine’s day.

The cards are here. They might just make someone happy.

I can feel love starting to fill the air around here lately. People get so giddy in February. It’s odd.

I made my own snow day today. There’s really not a way I could have waded through this deep snow and made it to work today. And if I had gotten there, I wouldn’t have been able to get out. So here I am, at home, snuggle in pajamas and without a lick of makeup on. Maybe some snow isn’t so bad all the time.