Archive for June, 2011

June 28, 2011

i am aunt carrie.

I know that being an aunt is a huge part of who I am. The fun one. The one who will take them places. The one who will buy them disposable cameras just because they want one. The one who can always guarantee a laugh and a lap to ride on.

Being an aunt is my favorite job. The absolute unconditional love of my nieces and nephews is one of the best things ever. And the fact that as they get older, we become more like friends than aunt/niece/nephew is cool too. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And they give me faith that I am going to be a good mom one day. Every time I see them smile, I think “Oh, I got this.” I also know that my kids are going to have awesome cousins.

June 27, 2011

burst at the seams.

I love you as much right now
as I ever could imagine
one person could love another.

So swelled that
anything more will require
another heart.

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June 26, 2011

around here.

I can’t believe it is almost July. Before we know it, I’ll be off for Colorado. But for now, it is going to be a crazy busy (but fun) next 10 days.

Aunt Nancy and Leon arrive from Pennsylvania tomorrow. Her cancer is still serious and mostly untreatable, but she wanted to make it to the family reunion on Saturday anyway.

John Bahr, a guy I was in rehab with, is visiting on Tuesday on his way to Florida. I haven’t seen him for a few years, and it will be nice to catch up. There are only a handful of people who saw me every single day while I recovering and re-learning everything during those first few months of my injury, and John is one of my favorites.

I’m not sure when everyone will be arriving for the festivities on Saturday, but I’m guessing Thursday and Friday. I think I am going to put them to work stringing circles onto white thread. After all, I did all the punching.

Until then, I am relaxing and putting this Netflix app on my Ipad to good use.

June 24, 2011


+ I get tired of explaining myself. So quit asking.

+ Banana chips and dried mangos are my new favorite snacks. Sooo good.

+ I spent the day yesterday in Kansas City getting the van door fixed. It was boring, and the only thing on tv was Fox News. I wanted to scream. The receptionist finally asked me if I wanted the remote, and I thought I might hug her.

+ I’m looking forward to a quiet weekend. Next week the family will all be here, and I’m going to wish I had time to relax.

+ My life has become so boring!

June 23, 2011

la la land.

don’t you hate those dreams
where you can fly
and love without consequence
and swing so high you might as well touch the gods
and outwit the witter
and move your ankles through crystal blue ocean waves?

the best of dreams
are the one I hate to have.

June 21, 2011

wish list.

One of these days:

+ The Sloop camera bag from Photojojo. In red and white, which of course they don’t sell anymore. Boohoo.

+ How CUTE are these rings? I think I need a C.

+ So cute tote bag.

+ Neat light bouncer.

+ The new Instax Mini camera.

Pretty much, I want everything in the Photojojo store. *sigh*

June 20, 2011

backwards and forwards.

let me be an example
of good and bad,
what to do and what not to do,
of will versus everything else.

don’t be how I am
but go ahead
and look up to me anyway.

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June 19, 2011

silent sunday.

June 18, 2011

dayton turns 2.

He’s 2 years old. I can’t believe it either. Time really does seem to go by faster as I get older, and I don’t like that these little ones are growing up so fast.

He had so much fun and was completely worn out by the time everyone was ready to go home. The rest of the kids did too. All these birthday parties are even wearing me out lately!
He loved the biked Grandma Darcy and Grandpa Jeremy got for him.
And he loved the guitar I got for him. Bit spoiled?

June 17, 2011


the patience has worn itself
so far down to the skin,
straight and see-through,
that there’s nothing left to do

but explode.

June 16, 2011


Sorry that it has been so quiet around here. Between auditors at work, birthday parties, nights hanging out with my sister (and other random people) on her front porch, falling from my chair, and just other summer things in general, I haven’t had time to do much else. Which is a good thing.

I was spending too much time online, and it was making my head a bit cloudy.

Don’t worry. I’m alive and well, just living.

June 13, 2011

this made me cry.

People who help other people amaze me.

People who have that kind of heart are too few.

June 12, 2011

silent sunday.

June 11, 2011

happy birthday dad!

June 10, 2011

favorite childhood summer memories.

It was so easy back then, when everything made sense and people didn’t purposely hurt each other.

Before I understood what it meant to be an adult.

+ swimming at Garfield Pool every single day until my hair was greenish.
+ riding bikes until it was pitch black.
+ convincing Dad’s construction crew to build us our own dirt mountain for our bikes.
+ on the boat at Lake Perry.
+ fireworks in the middle of the school playground.
+ chasing lightning bugs at dusk.
+ BLT sandwiches.
+ laying on the floor at night watching Dexter’s Lab.
+ riding around at night with all the windows open.
+ hearing locusts at night.
+ fresh cut grass.
+ popsicles all day long.
+ jumping fences running from dogs.

June 9, 2011

it sort of fits today.

I want to feel beautiful in my body too.
I want to feel soft and sexy and sensual and full,
with curves that flow in the soft light
and hold a cashmere sweater in all the right ways.
I want to feel comfortable,
the beautiful comfortable that is used and thrown away.

Instead I got stuck with being broken.

June 9, 2011

happy birthday miss tink.

June 8, 2011


+ Since I got a job and am not in school myself, I have no idea what days the kids start school, get out of school, any of that. It’s an odd feeling to see kids going home from the pool when I am on the way home from work. Not so long ago, that was me walking home with a heavy towel and hair that smelled of chlorine.

+ I still don’t like our crazy neighbors.

+ I wish I had your patience. And stability.

+ This past weekend was exhausting. I’m still catching up.

+ The van door is broken. Like it works because the repair guys rigged it until they can get the parts in, but it’s broken anyway.

+ I don’t get why people are surprised when their “sexting” photos are leaked/forwarded. Seriously, have we learned nothing from celebrity sex tapes? Nothing is private to someone who hates you!

June 7, 2011

pretty nice nonsense.

At work, we have weird conversations sometimes.  Deep conversations.  About things that I don’t talk about to other people, really, like my feelings (eek, ha) and direction in life and dreams and I want. Stuff that normally I keep to myself, or write here.

(I’m starting to think we breathe in too many chemicals or something. Ha.)

But these conversations always makes me think.

One thing we’ve spent quite a bit of time talking about is, of course, love. And marriage. And whether it’s all even worth it.  Mandy says yes.  She is the one who lives with her heart wide open, giving chances where Phil and I probably wouldn’t. She is the one who insists that if you don’t leave yourself somewhat vulnerable to love, you’ll miss out on something great when it comes along.

Phil says no way.  Leave your heart open and, bam, someone is going to crush you.  If you are single, you can do what you want and have fun doing it. So what, it’s a little lonely sometimes? At least you aren’t heartbroken, right?

I suppose I am in the middle.  I see both sides and sort of live in both sides too.  I’m probably the most guarded, most loving person you’ve ever met.  Confusing, I know, but so true.  If I find someone that I love, I am in wholeheartedly.  But getting there is the hard part.

I like talking about philosophies and listening to them debate too. They make me see things in ways that I hadn’t thought about before.  Not just love, life and hate and being vengeful and forgiving and everything. They make me stop and think.

I think they’re becoming my favorite part of my job.

June 6, 2011

4 and 6.

Tink and Makinna had a good day, complete with pink balloons, cookies, ice cream, princess crowns, and presents.  And lots and lots of love.

It’s hard to believe that they are 4 and 6 already.  I still remember distinctly the day Makinna was born, and Tink was just a little thing herself.  They are growing up too fast.

June 4, 2011

life is lovely update.

I am bad at keeping up with much of anything when life gets so busy and stressful. Friends, tv, journaling, sleep, life in general. I have basically just been throwing stuff in my 2011 book. Pictures, tickets from events, notecards, etc., but it is seriously lacking in the journaling/storytelling end of it. I don’t know how much that really matters to the memory of things, but the book itself needs some words to set off the jumbled mess of everything else. I love the mess, don’t get me wrong, but some scribbles, thoughts, quotes, whatever are welcomed.

It starts NOW!

p.s. excuse the craptastic pictures. I took them on a gray day with barely any light!

June 3, 2011


+ Stressed out at work because the auditor will (finally) be here on the 13th. I’m aggravated with everything, it seems (like you couldn’t tell from yesterday’s post, ha). Plus the van door is acting up. I swear! A day off is much needed.

+ Swamp People is my new favorite show. It’s just…funny.

+ I’m waiting to hear about loan options. It’s a different, exciting kind of stress.

+ Summer will never be as good as the summer of 2002 was. Never.

+ I realized that one of the things I am going to miss the most about this house when I move will be the color of Chuck’s tree in the fall. That gorgeous gold.

+ I found a new tinted moisturizer called Jouer. Feels like lotion, looks like foundation, lasts all day. Love it. Ordered!

+ Protein bars aren’t too bad. I think I just had to get used to them. Boost is still a work in progress. That stuff still makes me gag.

+ I am working on looking at things a little bit differently. I’ll go into that later on, in a much longer post.

June 2, 2011

note to self.

when someone doubts you
throw that shit
back in their face

as quietly
and sweetly as possible.

June 1, 2011

june goals.

+ no Dr Pepper at all
+ keep track of exercise spreadsheet
+ gain 5 lbs
+ fishing with the boys
+ spend less money
+ do my nails like this