Archive for August, 2011

August 31, 2011

goodbye august.


+ I loved turning 26. Weird, I know.
+ I loved flowers and balloons from my friends/family.
+ I loved the mountains. So much inspiration and cleansing for my jumbled-up soul.
+ I loved the plum crazy eyeshadow from Kristi. Made me feel sex-ay!
+ I loved the photo opportunities. I never get to be the one who someone else photographs.
+ I loved showing everyone that I have gained the weight I’ve been trying to….and keeping it on.
+ I loved seeing old friends after 4+ years….and knowing nothing has changed.
+ I loved hearing that it is okay to ask for help when I (might) need it.
+ I loved being permanently employed.
+ I loved being back in my own bed after a week out of town.
+ I loved seeing my friends so happy in their lives.
+ I loved baby Hailie being born on my birthday! Nothing could have been more exciting.

August 30, 2011

panic.

It slips over me
in the darkness
when sleep should be coming.

Those few thoughts
that open my eyes
and race my heart–
like how it felt
when I kissed your mouth.

I hang onto it
because I know
you’ll forget by morning
what was so important
about me.

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August 28, 2011

little bit of nothing.

Some of you have noticed that it has been quiet around here. I’m sort of busy and not particularly keen on sharing anything lately. Honestly, a lot of things have me stressed and a little bit emotional, and I just don’t want to write about it. Usually, that’s my outlet, but this time I think I want to just curl up with a blanket and wait it out. Don’t worry though, I have some things planned for this week. (I’m not good at quietly waiting.)

I hope you all are enjoying your last few weeks of summertime weather. Snow will be here before we know it.

xoxo.

August 23, 2011

4.26.03

I can never get very far
away from that day
or the breath-taking panic

because everyday
I wake up still,

still.

August 22, 2011

as promised


August 21, 2011

rewind. playback.


I usually would be excited to go to Colorado, but this year, it just seemed like a chore. Like I don’t have time for this! I definitely didn’t have the energy to deal with the nerves that go along with a week-long doctor’s visit. And physical therapy. And occupational therapy. All of it is exhausting with the hurry-up-and-wait, and I just didn’t want to do it at all.

But I went anyway.

I forgot how sad Craig Hospital can be. So many people newly injured. So many who don’t have any idea where they might be next year at this time. So many who muster all their strength just to make it through one day, just to wake up and do it again the next day. I can hardly believe that at one time, that was me. I was the one that probably looked at and thought “Oh God, poor kid.”

I’m no paralysis expert, but in 8 years, I have learned a thing or two. Sometimes figuring things out for myself is the only way, and I think that it is one of the hardest things I had to learn. What works for me might not work for someone else. So when I go back to Craig and they ask me to give someone a little pep talk about how good life can be after injury, I always feel like I’m lying a bit. MY life has been good post-injury, but my life is completely different than what it was before too. I have times where I am angry or jealous of “walking” people and all that they take for granted. I despise people who stare like I am some kind of alien. I have an ache in my legs when I think hard or long enough about running because I miss it so much. I can’t explain those feelings to a new patient. They’re still fragile, and I know they need encouraging words, not some girl telling them to buck up because it’s hard as shit. And that being happy might take some work every single day, but that it is totally worth it.

This time, Colorado was something new for me. A time to be thankful that I have come to this place, where knowing that I was that fragile is almost foreign. It’s like the girl I was when I was newly injured is so far behind me. I knew I had things in life to accomplish, and I was going to be damned if a wheelchair was going to stop them from happening. I never thought of myself to be quite as strong as people take me for, but maybe deciding that happiness will be an everyday part of my life is the strong part of me.

More pics to come later.

August 12, 2011

ah, the week at work.

Paperwork, scribbles, ordering office supplies, safety videos, & exhaustion.

August 9, 2011

high school summer.

The music played in the background
beating hard against the wall
before making its way to me.

Chairs sat in a circle all around
and all empty, except for that boy
who always had a way
of making me smile.

Some summer nights ended
with just the right touch
of sweet in its kiss.

And that was one of them.

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August 7, 2011

thoughts.

+ I started my (homemade, of course) first Smash book. I hadn’t planned on doing a 26 book, but I think a Smash book would be easier (and sloppier and more fun) than a normal tidy mini book on what happens this year.

+ Birthday weekend was a success. Two great nights with great friends….but not so great hangovers.

+ I went to the bank and talked to the loan manager. I have a better understanding of how the “process” of building a house is going to go….so now I am going to start making the calls to the right people. :)

+ And the crazy penny-pinching is starting too.

+ Those days when a little compliment starts it off right are the best.

+ I am again hooked on Words with Friends. Man, who knew Scrabble could be so fun?

August 6, 2011

Happy birthday, Jake.


When the light shines
in the right angle
at those few seconds
on the drive to work every morning
I know you are smiling

and finally, happy.

I so miss you,
my friend.

That sunshine,
I want to bottle it up
and leave it on my shelf
for when this gets to be too much
for me, too.

August 5, 2011

26 goals.

I always try to make goals that are achievable, things that aren’t going to break the bank or drive me insane trying to accomplish. The first one on this year’s list *might* break the insanity part, but it’s a goal nonetheless.

I think 26 is going to be a very good year. :)

+ Get house-building started
+ Cut out negative people
+ 5 DIY projects
+ Read one book per month
+ DSLR
+ Picture-a-day
+ Paint a yellow room.
+ Purge old make-up, lotions, craft stuff…etc.
+ Clean/detail van 1x per month
+ Use Instax film stash
+ Get one new tattoo
+ Cut back on cussing (such a bad habit)
+ Wear glasses more often
+ Journal 4x per week
+ Organize my office at work
+ Use more blog graphics
+ Try 4 new restaurants
+ 2 pops per week
+ Gain another 10 pounds
+ Try something new with my hair
+ Buy new bedding
+ Be a tightass about money
+ Organize jewelry
+ Eat more fruit
+ Learn to shoot a gun
+ Go to another state

August 4, 2011

In my 26 years…

I have learned people only treat me how I allow them to.
I have learned distancing myself is sometimes a good thing.
I have learned the people who want to be around me, will be.
I have learned love isn’t always the most important thing.
I have learned anyone who can make you laugh is usually worth a friendship.
I have learned that people won’t always set their priorities the same as I would, and I need to learn to accept that.
I have learned attitude (good or bad) can really make all the difference.
I have learned accepting and giving up are two totally different things.
I have learned being strong doesn’t mean I can’t be completely fragile too.
I have learned beer on Thursday nights is almost never a good idea.

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August 2, 2011

little people, little canvas

Since I painted my “If there is light” painting a few weeks ago, Tink and Makinna have been asking me if I will take them to the art store so that they can make their own. I finally had some time this weekend to do just that. Well, I already had the canvasses and paint. I just had to keep it quiet and surprise them when Mark brought them over. And it worked. I’ve never seen 2 kids get so excited about something like this.

They spent about 45 minutes painting, then we went in to watch Popeye while the canvasses dried.




August 1, 2011

let it rain.

It always feels better
when you’re grey
if the sky is too.
A stormy rage comforts the Heart,
knowing even the strongest yearn
a little softening.

A wet slate sidewalk
stands under our soaked shoes
and awaits the same change.

Eventually, we know,
it will come.

But no matter where we go,
some sunshine is always along
with you.

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