the heart wants…

Being vulnerable is one of my biggest fears. Being vulnerable is hard for me. Being vulnerable means letting someone see me, all of me, good and bad, and hoping that he likes the good things enough to stick around when I am sad or angry and maybe do not really deserve it. Being vulnerable means letting someone love me (and letting myself love him). Being vulnerable is hard for me.

I want to. But it’s been only me, the strong, independent one, for so long that anything else feels a little like weakness.

Like telling people how I feel. The good feelings, the ones that make me so happy and light that I could fly. You might not realize it because it is here that I let things out, be heard (or seen) that I can’t otherwise say. People know usually that I care, but I am not good at expressing it. It’s a flaw of mine, I suppose; this wall that stands between what I want to say and what he will hear. This vulnerable thing drives me crazy. I am too tough for my own good, truly.

I am getting better lately though. I don’t really feel the scared kind of vulnerable around Greg because I look at him and know that he wouldn’t hurt me. It’s so easy with him, just to be me. To let that soft side out with him. I have found very few people I am 100% comfortable around, and he is one of them.

Mostly he just wants to be here, and I like that. I never realize how much I miss him until I am right in front on him again. It that feeling where you sigh because something just feels right.

I think I always dated the wrong type of guy before because, well, in the end, I knew it wasn’t going to work. I could have fun for a while, get sick of it, and go back to being single me. Habit? Cycle? Boredom? I don’t know. Greg isn’t one of those guys. I knew he wasn’t one of those guys from the night we sat laughing at a pizza parlor watching football, and he told me I was beautiful in my hoodie and ponytail. Things like that make the vulnerability thing so easy with him.

I could actually get used to this.

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2 Comments to “the heart wants…”

  1. It’s always a risk. But one worth taking.

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