Archive for ‘Future’

April 26, 2012

nine years.

Can you believe it? Nine years.

Nine years ago, I was paralyzed. Doctors were trying to xray and draw blood and keep me awake and stabilize my blood pressure. Basically, trying to keep me alive. But here I am. What a crazy thought. Unsettling and unreal.

The 8th year was a trying one, I won’t lie, but it was also one full of personal growth. Maybe you all can tell from my posts, but this year, I found happiness. Total, true, real and whole happiness. Not just because I found a great man who puts up with me because he wants to. But happiness within myself. I am happy because this year I learned how to forgive the people who don’t matter. I learned how to dramatically and quietly cut out negative and fake people from my life. I learned that keeping yourself fully busy with work, family, friends, and hobbies is tiring but totally necessary. I learned that real adult responsibility is such a stressful but rewarding thing. I learned that I need to give myself time to think and to care about me too. I learned that trust is not hard with a deserving person. I learned that you have to be the kind of person you would want to have as a friend. I learned (and I’m still learning) how to be good at being a part of two, instead of always on my own. I learned that I don’t always have to be so tough. I learned that I don’t have to give up any of my strength to be a softie too.

I have learned that simplifying life makes everything much more clear and focused. I thrive on clear and focused, and I plan on continuing that into my future.

Bring it on, year nine.

May 24, 2011

I miss college.

I took a stroll across Washburn’s campus the other day, killing time before an appointment, and it made me realize how much fun college was. I was always stressed, but now I know it was a good stressed. The kind that you have when you want something to work. I always needed to make sure I had the good grades, the friends, the extra projects. It all needed to work. I miss that.

+ I miss the people and the small sense of freedom that a full-time job has robbed from me.
+ I miss feeling like I was working toward something big. I need a new big-time goal and the motivation to get me there.

+ I miss hanging out on campus with my friends, doing nothing but sitting under a big tree, laughing and discussing projects.
+ I miss feeling like I was gaining something valuable in my favorite classes.
+ I miss being the one always taking notes.
+ I miss Thursday karaoke nights at Sharkey’s with the crew.
+ I miss the excitement of new internships.
+ I miss the sense of endless possibility.

+ I miss sleeping in and staying up late.
+ I miss quiet library time with my stuff strewn across an entire table for whole afternoons.

+ I miss Henderson.

May 21, 2011

let’s get on the ball.

I’ve had a lot to figure out lately. Not just emotionally–because let’s face it, I’m always confused in that way–but just in general. If I am really going to do this build-a-house thing, I have a lot to get done. It’s probably the biggest commitment I’ve ever set my foot in so we’ll just hope it doesn’t all fall through. I should stop procrastinating. After all, I think this process is going to take long enough without pushing anything too far into the future.

GO! (And I’m already exhausted.)

February 3, 2011

wait for it….

I’ve waited a few days to process and settle my excitement about what I am going to tell you…no boys or babies, but I am going to be PUBLISHED in a creative writing/poetry journal. Yes, I sent those submissions just a little over a week ago and already got a response. I wasn’t expecting one for at least 2 weeks or so, so even before I opened the envelope, I was expecting a disappointing letter. There must be quite a list of upcoming poetry submissions that they have chosen at Atlantic Pacific Press because my poem won’t be published until November 2012. That’s almost 2 years away still. And I’ll probably STILL be excited about it when it comes around.

Check one off the 25 goals list!

January 17, 2011

It almost looks like my piles of homework used to look, but that’s the poetry piles. Drafts and revisions and magazines. Ones that I’ll probably throw out before anyone ever lays eyes on them and ones that I want everyone to see and know. I have a lot of sorting and deciding to do before I have what I want, and I only hope that I don’t get bored with the process before I am done.

I promise I won’t drag on and on about this either. :) It’s not the only thing exciting happening right now or anything. ;)

January 5, 2011

goals, goals.

I always do yearly goals. Not resolutions. It’s easier to work toward a goal than to have a resolution and break it. I think resolutions are like working backwards.

I don’t really know why we make yearly goals though. If we have goals, why shouldn’t we start them right away, when we think they are important? Why couldn’t I have started these things 6 weeks, 5 months, 2 years ago? I don’t know either. I sort of think yearly goals are ridiculous in that way.

But I always make them anyway. I don’t always stick to them, and some get pushed back to birthday goals. I am just the sort of person who feels better about doing, more motivated, if it’s written down somewhere. Otherwise it’s just an idea out there floating around, not a certain goal.

For 2011, I want to:

+ take more pictures. I slacked this year.
+ blog more “in the moment.”
+ no more sloppy drunk nights. I always feel so stupid afterwards!
+ eat better lunches.
+ call friends more often. Less texting.
+ tell people NO.
+ let myself fall, even if it’s just a little.
+ read Harry Potter trilogy. (or at least a few books)

January 1, 2011

just wanted to say…

I hope that everyone had a safe and happy (and firework-filled) New Year! 2011 is going to be a great year, I can feel it.

My New Year was spent with two of my oldest friends, laughing and crying (not me this time!) and sipping champagne. I haven’t made any resolutions, just goals, but I’ll save those for later.

December 23, 2010

tis the season.

Craig Hospital. It was my home away from home for nearly 4 months. Months that looking back were horrible and weakening. It became my safe haven, a place that made me feel like I was the normal one and all the walking people were outnumbered.

The therapists, counselors, doctors, patients and their families all became a part of my family. They supported me at a time when I don’t think I could have handled things by myself. I thought I was so tough back then ( and to a certain point, I was), but I realize now that without their friendship and encouragement to be as independent as possible, I would probably be a very different person today. Probably less outgoing, less independent, less happy and definitely less driven.

And I want to “give back.”

I want anyone who has to go through anything close to what I did to have that same support and encouragement. The same opportunities and care. I want them to be pushed and held up and loved and hugged, just like I was.

I have given to charities before. I walked for the March of Dimes the very night I was injured in fact, so it’s not just something that being paralyzed has opened me up to. Children’s Miracle Network was the organization that used funds to fly me to Craig in the first place. There are so many that need donations, but I keep mine close to home I guess you could say.

Sending money directly to Craig, knowing that it is helping someone in a situation that I unfortunately know all too well, makes my heart melt with love and empathy. There is a selfishness in charities I suppose. That feeling that you are helping someone else is intoxicating.

I plan on feeling it quite often from now on.

December 9, 2010

work to do.

In the past months I have gotten so much positive feedback on my writing. So much encouragement. All of that has translated into a confidence and a willingness to share more than I have ever had before. Believe me, I used to guard this stuff.

So as a part of my 25 list again, I am going to try to get a poem published. I don’t know where or how or which one, but it’s worth the effort either way. (keyword in this paragraph: try).

Comments? Suggestions? Help??

December 3, 2010

putting this out there.

Someone asked me yesterday what my deal is, why I am so scared of falling in love and letting someone love me. Um, seriously?

I guess I didn’t know I was so completely transparent, except on this blog. I don’t really talk about that “in real life” to people other than maybe my sister and mother. It’s not the sort of thing that is a normal cheerful conversation.

Now all I can think of is how many people probably see right through me.

Anyway, to answer this person’s question, what scares me most about love is that I have seen what people are capable of doing to hurt those they say they love. The total lack of consideration. The blatant disrespect. The disregard for anyone’s feelings except their own.

I have seen that hurt, and I have felt it. I still feel it. A man’s lapse of judgment and night of selfishness (or whatever it was) cost me all trust in that relationship, and every relationship since. I don’t think it was intentional to hurt me so deeply, but he sure as hell wasn’t thinking of me at that time.

We should be careful when we hold someone else’s heart in our hands. Think before we act. Or talk. Think before we even think about talking.

Another thing scares me about love, too. I am afraid I’ll never feel for anyone else what I felt for him before he hurt me. And that is something I can’t quite figure out. How wanting to love that deeply can be accomplished when it is the only thing I am afraid of.

I’m getting better at it though. And that’s the good news.

October 29, 2010

breathe in, and hold it.

Sometimes things just don’t make much sense.

I have a great job with great people, great friends outside of work (seriously, they’re the best I could ever ask for), a semi-crazy but still supportive family. And a guy who cares about me (but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here–love is scary).

I am an extremely lucky person who should feel complete, right? For some reason, there feels like something is missing. I can’t put my finger on it, but that empty spot is there. It’s sort of lonely somewhere inside. I can feel that much.

Maybe I’ve been too busy to sort out everything that is going on. Frankly, life three months ago was completely different for me than it is right now. Let me just be honest–I was totally lost. I had half the confidence I feel now, half the drive, half the ambition. I was down on myself. When I got a job, it changed pretty quickly. I have changed and grown so much in such a short time that maybe I just don’t recognize what I thought this life would be. I love it, don’t get me wrong. It’s fun and fulfilling, and it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something, even if it isn’t what I planned for or dreamed of.

It’s all great, but I think I need to slow down for just a minute and figure out what I was looking for in the first place.

July 20, 2010

A miracle has happened. :)

I have a job.

No, seriously, I do! Well, it’s a temp job at Innovia Films while a girl, Mandy, is on maternity leave, but it’s still a job.

My oldest brother and sister both work there (yay for connections!), and I have met quite a few people that also work there over the past few years through the two of them. I’m going in a little bit comfortable already.

I won’t be starting until the end August so I can start training and then Mandy will go on her maternity leave at the end of October or sometime in November. Whenever the baby decides I suppose.

I’m excited to have something to do, even if it’s for a few weeks, but dreading the waking-up-at-the-crack-of-dawn-to-be-at-work-by-7:30 part.

May 5, 2010


Well, they hired somebody else for that job I applied for. Okay, it’s not a huge surprise, but still, I’m a little disappointed. I totally understand their reasoning though. I am inexperienced in their sort of work/writing and would like to focus more on the graphic and layout design avenue than they needed. I’m glad they gave me a straight answer about that, instead of giving me some vague “you’re not what we’re looking for” crap.

Anyway, onto the next. I am amped up and ready to keep looking.

April 30, 2010

first one!

The job interview this morning went well, on my end anyway. I went in not really knowing what to expect or what they wanted, but I had confidence and only a few nerves. I hadn’t applied for it (well, until today at the interview). Honestly, I hadn’t even heard of the company prior to the executive director calling me last week. He had gotten a copy of my resumè from Kristi Powell, who is the director of the Special Olympics here. I didn’t know if he was looking for an employee or if he was just meeting me to get a feel for the kind of job I wanted to pass it on like Kristi had done.

Now I know. He’s looking for an employee. I wouldn’t be an on-site employee, which suits me fine, and it would be only part-time (also good for me). I would be doing grant writing, design and publication work, and fundraising for non-profit corporations. Sounds pretty great, right? It does to me. I’m trying not to get my hope up too far, but this would be a fantastic first career-geared job. He’s interviewing other people, and I understand that I will most likely be the least experienced of the applicants. He and his wife (business partner too) assured me that they are looking for skills, not necessarily experience. My first “test” is to write a letter of intent, and they are going to base their decision on that. I’m determined to write the most fantastic letter of intent you’ve ever read, ha.

Keep your fingers crossed.

April 5, 2010

if it’s in front of you, embrace it.

I need to be okay with what I have. I need to be content with a life that’s less than perfect but still make it as good as it can be. I need to not worry about where I wish I was but love where I am. I need to be happy with being fortunate enough to have the love and support and laughter I have and not wish for more. I need to spend more time telling the people I love that I do, and less time worrying about the people that I don’t. I need to be me 100% of the time and not apologize for it.

I know wanting and dreaming and wishing and striving for better aren’t bad things, but I realized I need to be happy with this moment, and live in it fully. I am afraid I’ll start missing things if I am always looking for what’s next.

April 1, 2010

you can’t tell me this isn’t pretty cool.

And if you did, I wouldn’t believe you.

For the entire day today, Google has changed its name to Topeka. :) Home sweet home. More can be read about the cause behind the change here.

March 12, 2010

here’s to hoping.

Oh, the job search. I have somehow found some motivation to get it on the road. I finally updated my LinkedIn profile and tweaked my resumè. It’s stressful thinking about how other people look even at those things. I mean, the resumè is the most important, and I worry that mine is too much or not enough. Will they like it, or won’t they? Ah, the stress!

Jobs in the communications and marketing field that I wish I could have (like at the public library) just aren’t available around here at the moment, so I might just have to give in and take something that isn’t exactly on the path I dreamed of. But a start is a start, and I can still look for my dream job while working elsewhere.

After all, beggars can’t be choosers.

I have had a lot of support lately from people I know. My lawyer has put in a good word for me with some media friends he knows. My older brother did the same. I met a p.d. detective a few weeks ago who offered to help since she knows important people around town. I really appreciate any help they offer, but even that is stressful. I have a fear of letting people down and this puts the pressure on me to really do well should I find a job through one of these avenues. I guess I might be getting ahead of myself, but it’s still an issue I think about.

February 25, 2010

excitement will kill me.

I’m moving….in July. I know, it’s only February, and July seems like so far away still. Believe me, I know. My parents have been discussing moving for a while now, and since I’m pretty much the only one left at home (my brother comes and goes), I was a pretty big part of that discussion. This house (where they/we have lived for 33 years and raised all 5 of my siblings and I) is just too old and too hard to keep up with for either of them. We have a big yard that nobody wants to mow, and when fall comes, the dust from outside tracks in on our shoes and my wheels. Basically, it makes it harder for my dad to breathe, which he can’t do very well in clean air, let alone dusty air.

So I decided that if they were leaving, so was I. There is no way I could maintain this house by myself, even with the (sometimes) help of my brothers/sister. It just would be stupid for me to stay.

Yesterday my mom and I saw some townhomes that were recently built. I casually looked them up online, not expecting for them to be a consideration. It’s hard to find a place that you can rent that is as handicapped accessible as they should be for me. Doors are never wide enough, bathrooms are never big enough, cabinets are always too tall. But these are perfect. As perfect as a place can be for me. Even the closets have bars that are halfway to the floor, which of course I loved.

I wish I had pictures, but I’ll just give you the link instead. There are photos on the virtual tour here.

The realtor/contractor was amazingly nice, and even better, he understands what the most pressing issues are for me. The unit that we looked at was awesome and livable for me, but since they’re breaking ground on a new building with 4 brand new units, I decided that I’d give myself a few months to get ready for a big move. He even said that he would be calling me before they start to do construction on the inside to be sure that the cabinets/bathrooms are all to my liking. How awesome, right! It should be ready at the end of June or early July if the weather cooperates. Just in time for a 25th birthday barbeque, of course!

My parents loved it too. They are actually thinking of moving close into one of the other units. For most people, that would be a problem, but having my parents close to me is actually the best thing. I mean, if there was an emergency, they’d be right there (either way–with my dad’s health, I like to be close and my mom is always paranoid about me falling). Plus I have a great relationship with my parents and love them like crazy, so living close isn’t so bad. They aren’t nosey about what I do and respect that my life is my life. How do you think I managed to live at home with them until I was 24!?

Oh I’m so excited I could just scream. Onto the shopping now…for housey stuff.

December 28, 2009

twenty-ten goals.

2009. It’s almost over. I remember being so excited about the new year and all the things that I was certain were going to happen. It just flew by so fast. I don’t feel that I accomplished half of what I wanted to, but I suppose that 2010 could be enough time for that. Maybe 2010 will be the best year ever.

Things I am going to attempt in 2010:

change the look of my blog. Majorly.
–finally open an Etsy. (eh, maybe, I don’t know if anyone would actually buy prints of my photos or any of my craftiness stuff anyway…)
–do something new with my hair.
–Be more girly, make-up wise.
–purge friends on Facebook that I never talk to.
organize pictures on hard drive. I need a good system.
–write in my journal every single day instead of skipping stuff.
–get a job that I really like!
–finally order a new manual chair.
–fall in love.
–hit every bar at power and light.
get a bamboo plant.
–be my own inspiration.
–get more sleep.
–count the stars.
–design stuff I can sell, like at a craft show.
–conquer crochet then learn to knit.
–send more snail mail instead of using social media.
–drink more water and less Dr Pepper.
–drink milk once in a while too (blech).
–tell people I love, that I do.
–burn more candles.
–spend far less time online.
–continue the “tidy” thing.
–spend less money on stupid stuff.
–be more patient in all things.
–not buy so many products just because they might work.
–concentrate better.
–no buying anything paper related until I use the stuff I have.
–be completely debt free for the most part.
–watch more of Chelsea Lately.
–take a picture every day.
–get a pet fish.
–exercise on a better schedule.

November 15, 2009

I hope so.

Because that sure would be nice.

July 30, 2009

Yes, I do.

Me, taken with Blackberry July 29, 2009

I choose to be happy, to put a smile on my face when I really don’t want to, when being sad and angry and resentful and lonely and weak seems like a much easier plan for the day.

I choose to live life as if this was how it is supposed to be, meant for me, full of challenges that I don’t understand, but ones that constantly make me stronger.

I choose to ask myself daily if this is going to be a good day or a bad day. and most of the time, it turns out to be rather okay.

I choose to have people around me that are caring, and want the best for me, without selfish motives of their own. I choose people who are like me.

I choose to be opinionated. I like speaking for myself especially when nobody should have to.

I choose to be a strong woman, to put forth my stubbornness for my own benefit and not give in to naivety and settle for less than I deserve from a relationship. I choose to wait for the real deal however long that might take. Until then, a little fun in between can’t hurt.

I choose to laugh heartily, to dance and play because those are the things that keep me going, looking ahead to the next moment of dancing and laughing and living.

I choose to be exactly who I am at this moment, doing what I am doing.

I choose to be. It’s just that simple.

May 26, 2009

Fork in the road.

I went today to the bookstore and spent half an hour looking at GRE books, deciding which would be best to help me prepare. Graduate school was never something that seriously crossed my mind until the day of graduation. Of course, it had been discussed with my parents, but only minimally, and never was a path that I seriously saw myself taking. More school? I mean, yeah right. I spent five years completing my undergrad degree and wanted no part of another institution that required commitment of that kind.

Now I’m probably 75% sure that graduate school is definitely where I’ll be sometime in the next five years.  Not only do I think that I better do it sooner rather than later, but I just don’t want to go into some everyday routine yet. I like freedom and flexibility, and a schedule that is 8 to 5 just isn’t for me…yet.

Just when I think I have it was figured out and ready to go, I change it up. Just like me to do that, I suppose.

May 18, 2009


Graduation is over. Finally! It went really well, and the entire day was full of smiles and relief. I haven’t yet uploaded any pictures because I am just lazy about doing that. I do have one that Shalyn took though.

Corey, Lana and I

I really wish we could have been seated with our individual departments instead of alphabetically. It would have been much more fun and comfortable for everyone, I think.

The party at Tim and Sandra’s was really fun. I think a few people were apprehensive when they found out that we’d be having it at a farm, but it turned out really well. The goats go out of their corral and were chasing the kids who had cake, which was hilarious. Then some of the kids decided to try to chase and catch the chickens, which was even more hilarious. If you’ve never had the chance to see someone chase a chicken, you’d be surprised at how fast they are. I was cracking up. Mark rode the cow–and got bucked off twice. I think everyone enjoyed themselves.

I’ll post pictures when I decide to upload some.

May 15, 2009

A bit of everything.

Last night’s Grey’s Anatomy was so…..what’s the word…..awful? If there is an awful-as-in-amazingly-good, then yes, it was awful. I had expected Izzy to die from her brain tumor, so for me that was not a huge surprise. But George?? How could they get rid of my George? I suppose that if he were going to die on the show, being hit by a bus to save a woman is probably the most George way to go. It was one the saddest episodes, and I still can’t stop thinking about it this morning. How did I get so attached to these characters anyway? Those darn Grey’s writers are good.

It’s early, and I’m up and ready to go. To court. Yea, today is the adoption hearing for Mark, Ashley, and Serenity. I have hopes that things will go smoothly, and Serenity will officially be a Koch by the end of the day. But of course, there are always things that could happen to hinder the process. Cross your fingers.

Tomorrow is the last day of my undergraduate career. I couldn’t be happier to have this over finally. The entire process is/was stressful, and I just want a day to *breathe* and relax. I’m sure there will be pictures to post on Sunday or early next week, depending on when I recover from all the fun.

Ahhh, I still can’t get over George!

April 9, 2009

and closer still.

It’s getting closer and closer, and the closer it gets, the more I am scared. It’s scary to figure out what comes next. If the library doesn’t hire me (which I am still patiently crossing my fingers for), then a job might just have to wait until after I come back from Colorado in July. There really isn’t much sense in being hired at a new place and then asking for a week off for a vaca and week full of doctor appointments. Plus maybe a month or two of relaxation would do some good, give me some time to gear up for the real life.

We’ll see. All I know is that in 37 days, a whole chapter of my life is coming to a close, and I am going to be forced to make decisions about where to go from there. Maybe growing up isn’t so much fun after all.