Posts tagged ‘College’

May 24, 2011

I miss college.

I took a stroll across Washburn’s campus the other day, killing time before an appointment, and it made me realize how much fun college was. I was always stressed, but now I know it was a good stressed. The kind that you have when you want something to work. I always needed to make sure I had the good grades, the friends, the extra projects. It all needed to work. I miss that.

+ I miss the people and the small sense of freedom that a full-time job has robbed from me.
+ I miss feeling like I was working toward something big. I need a new big-time goal and the motivation to get me there.

+ I miss hanging out on campus with my friends, doing nothing but sitting under a big tree, laughing and discussing projects.
+ I miss feeling like I was gaining something valuable in my favorite classes.
+ I miss being the one always taking notes.
+ I miss Thursday karaoke nights at Sharkey’s with the crew.
+ I miss the excitement of new internships.
+ I miss the sense of endless possibility.

+ I miss sleeping in and staying up late.
+ I miss quiet library time with my stuff strewn across an entire table for whole afternoons.

+ I miss Henderson.

March 15, 2009

making the best of this.

I smell like stale cigarette smoke, and it is disgusting.

I had fun last night, seeing old friends, laughing, having a beer. But mostly I was bored. Going out and being stupid just is not appealing to me anymore. The more that I stay home on the weekends, or hangout and do something fun and relaxing rather than going to the bar, spending ridiculous amounts of money, the more that I like being a sober, responsible kind of person. Not only have I saved a load of money, I just feel better about where I am and where I am headed.

Oh, I think this means I am growing up.

Guess what I am doing during Spring Break? Working. Yep, that’s right. Working. While everyone else is liquored up on Tuesday at the bars celebrating St. Patty’s Day, I am going to be tucked up in my office working on customer surveys and annual report content and planning out skits to promote youth summer reading programs. And I am completely okay with that. Maybe I’ll miss a break, but I really don’t mind doing something worthwhile all week instead of being on a weeklong drunk like most of my college friends will be.

Since I started working, it has changed the way that I look at partying I guess. Diana also said something to me that was a turnaround point also. She said “I always look at internships and volunteer experience before I even look at job experience. It shows me that this person is dedicated to something other than themselves.” It seems so right. I want to make sure that it’s apparent that I want to be there, to be the first person they want to hire full-time when a position opens up, and if I have to spend my break working to prove that, then so be it. Plus the annual report stuff really needs to be finished and be ready for placement when the audit is done. I want Gina, the executive director, to know I was on the ball on it.

The countdown is officially on–if you haven’t noticed–to graduation, and the closer it gets, the more important it is to make a good impression on everyone I meet who could be a good networking contact. I’ve made so many in the past few months, and I’m counting on utilizing those when I am looking for a job, in case a position doesn’t open up in time at TSCPL. Before I was just going one day, one thing at a time, but now I am planning further ahead and looking forward to what comes in the long run.

Growing up might not be so bad after all.

December 12, 2008

Twinkle, twinkle.

I felt aglow today. I felt good about finals, my internship, and life in general. I have the next five weeks off of school, and I intend to make the very most of it.

This semester was a tough one in many respects, but in others, I learned and grew more than I have in any other. I kept my procrastination completely under control, strived in experiences that I didn’t think I would even enjoy, and had more personal accomplishments. Before I had a general sight of what I wanted and where I wanted to be career-wise, and now I have narrowed it specifically and nabbed a chance to be a part of a great creative team within a great, community-based organization. I couldn’t even begin to describe just how excited I am to be working at TSCPL. I really wanted a job that makes me feel that I am doing some good in the world and positively influencing others. With this internship, even if some don’t consider PR/advertising very important, I do consider it to be. If the information isn’t out there about what services the public library offers, then they aren’t being put to use. And that’s not good for anyone.

On other fronts, this semester was full of ups and downs. Family, mostly up with the exception of Aunt Nancy’s cancer (which we still know very little about, unfortunately). I have this defensiveness about it, like if I don’t hear about, talk about it, or think about it, it might just go away. I know that’s not true, and it makes me seem cold at times, I think, because I just try to dismiss the subject altogether when it’s brought up. I hate it, and the further it is from my mind right now, the better.

Boys, well, that’s up and down too. There have been times when I am full of confidence and feel that I not settling for anything that is less anything less than what I deserve. Other times, I am so discouraged that I avoid conversating too much with any guy with potential because damn it, he might disappoint me too. Lately, especially, has been confusing with one guy in particular. I am seldom blown off, and yet this guy has done it 3 times. Now, I am not one to be waiting around and moping either. Believe me, I have kept busy to keep my mind off of him, but somehow he still is pretty appealing. I don’t want it to be the typical “good girl, bad boy” scenario where the girl tries to get the bad boy under her clasp and change him. Actually, he really is a nice guy. I wouldn’t kid myself if I didn’t think he was. But then there’s that book that told me “he’s just not that into you.” And when you think about it, that is most likely true. Hey, if he liked me, he’d wanna hang out, right? Either way, whatever. There are plenty of good guys out there, and I intend of finding a different one if this one decides to flake out.

My friends are fantastic. There never was a time when I imagined anyone other than the people I have known forever being my best friends, but the past year has changed that. A lot of people I have known only for a few short months know me better than anyone else. It’s great.


I am hopefully going to be able to keep this updated more often now, and the stress of school shouldn’t stifle any tiny parts of creativity I might be able to muster up.

November 20, 2008


I haven’t had time to write, or even think for that matter.

Life is good.

I officially set up the internship details with Diana and Kari today. I couldn’t be more excited about this experience if I tried. The things I’ll be doing are exactly what I want: writing, editing, designing, and from what I gathered today, lots of laughing. Diana, my supervisor, is so awesome and completely laid-back about everything. She made me check out every bathroom to make sure each was accessible. She said if even one wasn’t, she would make them remodel it before I start in a few weeks. I mean, she’s that cool. I HAVE A CUBICLE! ha, I have never been excited about something like that. And it has a door so it’s like a tiny office. My tiny office.

I am ready to do more than just writing, and this opportunity is going to allow me to expand everything I have been taught and put it to use in the real world.

Finally, things are falling into place.

October 9, 2008


Things have been slightly overwhelming lately.  This is the first week this semester where I feel slightly anxious about getting everything done on time (or not).  I had a prodcutive day today though, and am hoping for another tomorrow.

It always get crazy busy after the halfway point of the semester so now is the time to kick it in high gear.

Tags: ,
September 15, 2008

ahead of the wave.

It’s Monday night.
And I almost done with everything for the entire week already!

If you can’t tell, I am super excited about this.
My journal and camera are going to become my friends again this week.

Be expecting new things.
Words and pictures.


Tags: , ,
September 7, 2008

a few minutes extra.

I feel as if I repeat myself over and over again on this blog, and I am going to try to restrain myself from doing that today.

Today is being spent again in the library, working away on assignments and reading endless chapters of boring nonsense that I’ll never have to use again. Sometimes required classes for graduation are the most useless. Required classes should have some kind of impact on us, on our lives. For instance, Human Impact on the Environment. It may be boring, but it is important. Learning about how every move we make affects the world and its demise is actually helping me. I never thought I’d look at using electricity the way I do or put the van in neutral when sitting at a stop light to save gas. And this is only the 4th week of class. Art History on the other hand, well, even though some parts can be interesting, is just pretty useless to me in the grand scheme of my life. But I’ll get through it, because otherwise no graduation. And that means no party. And that just wouldn’t be fun.

Thanks for the small break, but back to work I go.

September 6, 2008

finally going right.

This week was a hectic one, with yearbook deadlines and such. Plus I wasn’t feeling the greatest.

But somehow I managed to get everything done (and on time!), plus schedule time to paint and write and go shooting. I don’t know how it has been working out this way, how with more classes and commitments than any other semester, I have time for myself that I never had before. It doesn’t make any sense, except for the fact that I have cut out procrastinating. For the most part anyway; I did spent this evening painting/collaging rather than doing homework that is waiting. But that’s okay. It’s the weekend, and I needed a break.

I always heard that art can relieve stress. I knew writing did because that way my outlet, but since I have been been painting, I am a believer. I will be the first to admit that I suck at painting. I couldn’t paint anything recognizable even if I really tried, but I am learning that creating doesn’t necessarily have to be pretty. It doesn’t have to be anything. I just enjoy doing it. I’ll probably throw half of it away, but it’s fun and relaxing. Maybe I’ll take a pic of the stupid little collage I am making, just so you guys and girls can see.

I may have finally found an internship that I can enjoy! It’s at the public library in the PR department and is pretty much everything I want. Books, PR, non-profit, kids, intelligent people. When I saw the application, I literally sighed a huge sigh because it just felt so right. I am going to ask Regina to help me complete all the forms and such. I normally would figure it all out on my own, but I want to make sure that I have a really good chance of clinching it. I really want it. I won’t know until December probably, but I am just going to hope.

Missing my writing? Well, me too. I need to spend some time being creative with words, but the focus is elsewhere right now. I need to pull it back apparently.

August 20, 2008

in lines of 3.

I’ve been exhausted. Utterly bitchy and tired every moment of the past few days.
I don’t like it, and I’m sure nobody else does either.
A doc visit might be in order though.

Being “boyless” kinda sucks, but I’m dealing fine.
After all, this is what I wanted, right?
Yeah, that’s what I keep telling myself too.

School is back in the swing of it. Half the reason for the exhaustion and crabbiness.
I underestimated the amount of reading that 5 classes would involve.
So tomorrow will be a day spent at the library, reading and doing quizzes.

I’ve been taking my camera with me everywhere.
It seemed like every time I didn’t have it, I found something awesome to snap.
I’m not taking any more chances like that.

That’s about it, I guess.
It’ll take a few more weeks before college rips my sanity from me,
so you can still expect some posts in the future days.


August 14, 2008

back to the grind.

As the days quickly pass and the dredge of schoolwork draws closer, I realize how much I am going to miss the time I spend every day in thought. Maybe that sounds silly, but a specific type of thought is what I am talking about. A type of thought where things matter and don’t come from a textbook. A type of thought where I can have opinions and don’t have to believe just the facts that are given to me. A type of thought where I can focus on me.

I’ll miss the time I spend with myself in the quiet, free to write and go out shooting with my camera.

And I’ll most definitely miss sleeping in.

August 12, 2008

I’m coming prepared this time.

Countdown to classes: 6 days.

I went earlier to the library and brought home 5 different books on stress management and finding inner peace, even when things in life are going absolutely haywire. I have a serious problem with stress, as anyone who has dealt with me during busy and overwhelming times can attest to.

Last semester, I literally felt like I was going to lose my mind. So much piled up on me and many different things were nearing deadlines at the same time, and that stress combined itself with the anxiety and complete fear I have of being less than mediocre. Needless to say, I was a mess by the beginning of May. And when I am a mess, I am not a fun person to be around.

It makes me angry. At myself for being a procrastinator (which is another area I’m actively working on), at others for being rude and frustrating, even when they aren’t meaning to be, and at my entire life situation. I know that there is a snowball effect for negative thinking and stress, but still it’s hard for me to concentrate on anything because I am always thinking about what is coming next and what the next big obstacle or project is going to be. When the stress turns into full-blown anxiety, then I worry. About my own sanity.

This semester, with an extra class than normal and the responsibilities for Student Publications, has stricken a bit of fear in me. I know I can accomplish the tasks, but the stress of doing so might finally drive me to the breaking point.

And at 23, I am not supposed to be worried about a nervous breakdown.

Reading is one of the relaxing activities I do, to take my mind off of the small things that make up the whole, to put myself in someone else’s life for a little while. So reading about how to relax, well, I am hoping it gives me some insight on life and learning to manage time and stress and emotions, all at the same time.

June 23, 2008

Almost there.

Only 3 more classes before I can fully relax for the rest of the summer. But thankfully, the only work that consists of these classes is working out. I can handle that. All my papers are done (EARLY!), and I a relieved about that.

It seems to have been a very long 5 weeks, and I am sure that the rest of summer vacation is going to feel like it is flying by me too fast. I can’t complain too much though, since I’ll only be reading, tanning, writing, working out, and generally doing other lazy things. I don’t think I could be looking forward to sleep any more than I have for the past 3 days.

Nothing has been particularly interesting around here. When life consists of class and papers, there isn’t much time for anything else.

I am ready for a Thursday night at Sharkey’s again with the friends.

June 17, 2008


I really, really, REALLY wish I could go shooting (pictures, duh) around town today, but I’ll be stuck in the library (again) writing.

Only 9 days to go!

And we leave in exactly 3 weeks for Colorado.  I can hardly contain myself!

June 11, 2008

On hold.

The creativity I had felt flourish up in me just a few weeks ago is thwarted again. By papers. For school. Again.

With only 2 and a half weeks left (yesterday was the hump and now we’re on the downhill stretch), I have 4 papers and a wellness due (plus a few quizzes) before June 26. My self-control is going to have to kick in, and the procrastination is going to have to take a back seat until I get this all done. So if my blog looks slightly bare, boring, and lonely, don’t worry. I’ll be back again, full-force and ready to write, on June 27.

May 7, 2008


Last semester was hard on me; there’s no denying that.  I was under so much stress toward the end that I literally felt like I was falling apart.  Thankfully, this semester was much easier, even with a lot of work to do.  But any college student knows that the last 2 weeks before finals are usually the most stressful, fast-paced, and nerve-wracking of the entire semester.

I have been working like crazy, reading history lectures, textbooks, and bluebooks for papers, essays, identifications, and quizzes.  And that’s only for ONE class.  In between, I have to study for biology, psychology, and law finals.  I know that procrastination is a problem, but right now, I am consciously trying to keep myself on task and motivated to finish everything this week.  Or at least by Monday.  

I know that the stress has been getting to me again though.  I realized that something happens to me when I get stressed out.  I worry a lot.  It’s not a small worry; it’s like I am so paranoid about everything, right down to the most ridiculous things.  My mind creates these situations that could happen, and then I am so nervous and sick over them that I can’t get rid of that feeling until I absolutely know it couldn’t happen.  

For instance, on Sunday, we went to Sharkey’s for Aaron’s birthday.  Rick showed up with Josh, and we all had a good time.  When it was time to leave, Rick said he was going home because he had to go to work the next morning.  The problem:  Rick lives an hour away, on a dark, lonely highway that heads south to Emporia.  He had mentioned that he had seen like 10-12 deer on his way here.  Any other time, I wouldn’t have even thought twice about it, but the fact that it was in the middle of the night made it different.  I made him promise to call me when he was halfway home (to make sure he didn’t fall asleep).  I was a nervous wreck for 45 minutes until he called.  My stomach hurt and I just had all these different scenarios of what could happen if he hit a deer, went off the road, or fell asleep.  I didn’t feel better until I knew he was in his driveway and going into the house.  

There have been other instance also.  I won’t go into them, but worry like this isn’t normal.  It can’t be.  It’s a mixture of nervousness, worry, paranoia, anxiety, and tension.  I recognize that things like this only happen when I am feeling stressed and under pressure, but I don’t really know what to do about it.  

I think that it directly results from my wreck.  (I know, I know, talking about that again.)  But what else could it be from?  The wreck was completely unexpected and serious, and now I worry about similar things that could potentially happen to the people I care about.  It literally makes me feel sick.  

I haven’t talked about it (yet) to anyone.  I don’t really want to worry my parents with it; I’m not sure that they (or anyone) could understand it anyway.  I talked to my doctor last year about my stress, and he suggested making more time for myself, aside from anything that pertained to school.  I did that, and it definitely helped.  I felt less anxiety.  But the more the happens, the more I am inclined to think that I should talk to him again.  Feeling nervous all the time isn’t fun.  It sucks actually.

We’ll see what happens.  

To be continued…..

May 6, 2008

Studying hard or hardly studying.

As I am taking a break from reading the most boring shit in history about history, I’ll give this a quick update.

I haven’t had much to write about lately.  Well, actually, that’s a lie.  I have things to spew about, but I don’t have the time or the energy to sit here and type them out.  I spent much of the weekend out with friends, and needless to say, it wiped me out.  Papers, essays, and finals are upon me, and they have been occupying much of my mind.  In a way, I can’t complain.  It keeps me busy, and busy is good.  But busy also takes away precious time that I could be spending with my people.  I sit here studying and sometimes wonder where the time is going.  I mean, it’s nearly 11 p.m., and just 10 minutes ago it seems, I was sitting here watching Jason Castro completely murder a perfectly good Bob Dylan song.  That was almost 4 hours ago!

I can’t wait until next week, when finally I’ll have a chance to breathe.

April 18, 2008

I told you this is ridiculous.

Actually, today is mild. Usually there is a Frapuccino and Rice Krispie Treats too.

I got my psych quiz done and turned in. Now onto law case reports and history essays. Oh joy.

home sweet second home


April 14, 2008

Stream of thoughts at 2 a.m.

I hate it when I am lying in bed in the dark staring at the ceiling, and my mind just keeps running.  Late at night is usually when I seem to make the bigger decisions in my life.  I have the peace and quiet to actually absorb everything, instead of hearing the constant chaos that is my life.

I realized that lately everything has been so stressful and hectic that I am wearing myself down.  The last few days haven’t been too bad because I forced myself to take a break (literally, I did no homework for 3 days straight!) to breathe.  Before that though, I thought I might completely shut down or die of exhuastion, not exactly a good feeling.

But tonight, I just told myself that no matter what, I am slowing down.  Life is too short to worry about small things.  I can handle a little stress, but overloads aren’t good.  Prioritizing things differently might help.  School is always number 1, but Betheny is right.  It’s not everything, and I don’t have to have a perfect GPA (although I wouldn’t mind a perfect GPA if it wasn’t so hard).  I cannot believe there are only 4 weeks left in this semester.  Only 2 more semesters to go!!!!!

Also, along the lines of “life is too short” again, I feel like I should go for everything I want.  Without holding back.  I don’t want to go through the next 10 years afraid of being hurt and avoiding showing someone (yes, that someone) my real feelings.  He already knows, he’s always known.  But I told him a long time ago when maybe it wasn’t the right time.  Now is the right time.  I would definitely regret it if I don’t make sure he still knows, and I don’t want to look back and wish I had.  Everytime I’m around him I can be myself and say anything and be happy or sad or unsure or crazy.  He takes all of me, good and bad.  I told myself that I was past the desire to have anything other than a friendship with him, but now I am realizing that I’m probably not.  It’s the way he looks at me.  And the way he watches when other guys are around me.  Maybe it’s just me, hoping.  Maybe he doesn’t feel the same as he did when he said he loved me, but then again, maybe he does.  I think so, but I am going to find out because I need to.  When I look ahead, I could see myself with him.  But if not, I know, and he knows, that we’ll always be good friends.  I can’t imagine life without him, no matter what relationship we have.  And believe me, there are very few people that I can say that about.

I know now, too, that maybe the relationship with Nick an unconscious attempt on my part at distracting myself from wanting the other one.  That is so shallow of me, but looking back, did I really think Nick and I would have worked out?  No.  I don’t know why it lasted as long as it did.  We were completely different, and even though I did care about him, it wasn’t like I should have.  I think I held back with him more than I would have had things been right.  And if you read this, I’m sorry, Nick.

So besides a confusing love life (or halfway-existant love life, I guess) I’m just ready to start new with lots of things.  I am excited about my weight lifting class, which is going to force me to keep the motivation up, and my Colorado trip this summer.  I miss the mountains.  I plan on going skydiving sometime in August (hopefully for my birthday) and spending lots of time at the lake.

I have a feeling that this summer is going to be a good one.

April 2, 2008


I wish I had my camera with me.  I’m at the library (have been for a few hours) and it seriously looks like I have moved in here.  Only 1 more month before I can be done with all this (for a few weeks anyway)!

March 3, 2008

Biology–the longest 3-hour class of my life.

On days like this, I don’t care if I go to class with my hair a mess, no makeup, and in my favorite slickies and hoodie. I just want to go, take the test, and come home to sleep.

Unfortunately, the professor has a different idea.

February 25, 2008


–I am scared to look to see if my history test is graded yet. I worked hard on those essays, but history isn’t my best subject. It’s just boring to me, and it seems like we’ve been learning the same thing since middle school, just more detailed with each year that passes. I hope I did well.

–My head is killing me, and I really hope I am not getting the flu. Everyone else has had it and luckily, it seems to have skipped me. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

–I saw Heather yesterday at the Sprint store. It was one of those times when I just wanted to hug her and hope that she’ll be okay. I don’t think I could handle the loss of a friend/cousin the way she did.

–I need a break. Really, I am exhausted.


February 19, 2008


Occasionally while listening to my iPod, a song of Shakira’s will play. Now, please understand that even with over 12,000 songs, a Spanish song definitely sticks out. I have to thank my high school Spanish teacher for igniting my love for Spanish music and encouraging us to learn it, even if we didn’t always understand the meanings and translations.

The one I am listening to right now “Que Me Queres Tu” I can understand (and actually sing the entire song). It’s been a long time since I last heard it, and still I know the words.

I should get back into Spanish again. I haven’t totally lost it, but without Tomasa, my favorite little Spanish speaker, it will be different.

February 16, 2008

Kicked in gear.

For the past few days, I have had a surge of energy to workout. When school is in session, I don’t have the free time to workout like I should, but I have decided to change that. I am going to schedule it in, just like I were going to class. It’s not like I am out of shape. I could even gain a few more pounds and still be too skinny, but I am looking forward to getting the defined muscle back.

Bring on the weights!

February 14, 2008


When I agreed to write the story for the yearbook this week, I started and it was just doing Regina a favor. But soon I realized again that writing is still a passion. When I don’t feel pressured and obligated to go out, interview sources, and get the story, I really enjoy doing it.

In every writing class I’ve ever taken, the stress of my other classes and deadlines overwhelmed me, and in the process killed the enjoyment of writing. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to pursue a career in any kind of journalism because it simply wasn’t fun anymore the way it had been. It had become a chore, a pain in my side, just another assignment to put on the list of a million other assignments I had.

It has brought a new motivation to offer to help the newspaper and yearbook when they need it. I think it could do both of us a favor.

February 11, 2008

Of course, it’s a night class.

Eric makes me smile. Especially when we’re in Biology, learning about the molecular bonds of water, and he nods off about 20 times, startling himself awake each time. Hilarious. And only he could pull it off in a suit.