Posts tagged ‘friend’

December 20, 2012

starting over.

I have a friend. A smart, funny, energetic, and generous soul who is an amazing mom to her kids, friend to the undeserving, and grateful for even the rough things she has encountered in life.

She continues to have faith, a deep-seeded sweet faith, that even the worst of people are going to come around in the end and realize that the world doesn’t have to be so bitterly angry. She gives the most disrespectful people the benefit of the doubt, and she refuses to let someone else’s negativity be the reason for any change in herself.

But she has given up on love.

After two serious failed relationships, she has become closed off and content with being alone, with being both the mother and father to her kids. More than anything I think she is afraid of what a third broken heart would feel like and what it would do to the person she is. I think she is afraid it will suck some of her strong and stubborn sweetness and replace it with bitterness.

Somewhere, someone is looking for someone like her and waiting to prove her wrong. I can only hope that person finds her whole, and that he proves to her that love is more than just waiting for the wrong thing to happen, the wrong turn to come.

People who deserve love aren’t always the ones who make it easy to let it into their hearts.

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September 17, 2012


Don’t let that picture fool you. It’s been a rather stressful week around here.

First, we signed out contract with the photographer for the wedding. That was actually a load off, I guess. He is awesome, both as a photographer and a person. I am excited that he is a part of our big day!

Then, Sons of Anarchy started their new season on Tuesday, and I drove to Kansas City to watch it with Greg and Brandy and Mike. Then Thursday Greg texted me early that Grant and him were going to the hospital because Mike had been taken to the ER. I wasn’t sure on details and neither was Greg for a a while. It turns out that Mike has an infection somewhere that they can’t find yet, but it caused his autonomic dysreflexia to flare up and his blood pressure to spike which then caused a bleed in his brain. Scary, scary shit.

Something similar happened to Jake and he died just a few hours later. I was scared and didn’t really know how to react to think that the same thing could happen to Mike. Paralysis is a funny and weird condition, and it comes out of nowhere.

GOOD NEWS: It appears that Mike probably doesn’t have any permanent damage to his brain. He is talking good now and his blood pressure is down, although they are still trying to locate and diagnose the infection. I am hoping by tomorrow they have more news. Better news.

So just give me a little favor and pray that nothing else happens for Mike. He doesn’t need it right now!

January 27, 2012


It has been one year since Jake B. passed away, and I can still feel the shock I felt that morning when Aaron texted me. The panic and confusion. Blood clot? Stroke? He was paralyzed, but he didn’t have to be dead too.

I think of him often, more on days when I am frustrated with sitting all the time. Because he was too.

I just hope he found some peace with his life before he died so young and didn’t feel lost or angry like I know he had before. Things that weighed heavy on him, I hope, were lifted and that he is somewhere still running around, laughing and loving. He deserved that much at least.

RIP Jake. I miss you.

January 12, 2012

it’s simple.

Loving you
her mistake.

Breaking her heart

September 14, 2011

Sunny Side Down

Screw California
and that Infiniti.
Its silver doesn’t suit you the way I do.
Come back to where it’s a highway, not a freeway,
to where we drink pop, not soda.
The sun doesn’t glisten off the width of the ocean
but you’ve never seen a lake like Perry.

Screw California
and those big Redwood trees.
A tree you can’t climb is no good.
Come back to my sunflowers and corn fields wide,
to where lightning bugs have become a sport too.
Your winter isn’t quite so cold
but what is Christmas without snow?

Screw California
and all those glittery Hollywood lights.
You can’t see the stars the way I do at night.
Come back to the stickiness of my summer,
to where mosquitoes feast at dusk.
You say you don’t like our flavorless plane
but those Rockies are what keep me from you.

Screw California
and your sunny city.
I need you here.
This is home.

August 6, 2011

Happy birthday, Jake.

When the light shines
in the right angle
at those few seconds
on the drive to work every morning
I know you are smiling

and finally, happy.

I so miss you,
my friend.

That sunshine,
I want to bottle it up
and leave it on my shelf
for when this gets to be too much
for me, too.

July 9, 2011


You talk more easily
in the dark,
like the sunshine
might make the vulnerability
more apparent.

But if the dark is what
gets you there,
bring on the night.

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May 26, 2011

cryin’ for me.

They played this song at Mark’s funeral, and it’s been in my head ever since.

I think it sums it all up. There are a lot of lives that are less than they were without Mark around.

May 18, 2011

cancer sucks.

Mark Werner 1970-2011

We are going to miss you, friend.

March 2, 2011

goodbye friend.

I was just a day late
on saying what I wanted
and a day late
with showing how I loved you.

It’s when you want it
that it’s gone
as it always goes.

The sun seems to
have left
alongside you.

February 27, 2011

it all comes down sometime.

Snow sleeps on my lashes
softly until the warm
of my skin melts it
away to tears.

They don’t need
to be explained,
today anyway.

My heart is just as tender
as the day you’d gone
and my arms just as lonely.

The white is what I imagine
it to be where you are.

Winter will never be as beautiful again.

January 27, 2011

RIP Jake.

A friend died today. Far too young and far too quietly.

Jake, also in a wheelchair from a cervical spinal cord injury, passed away this morning after suffering a stroke from a blood clot that traveled to his brain stem, causing a stroke.

He hated being paralyzed. Not that anyone ever likes it, but Jake had such a disdain and nowhere to direct it. It makes my heart weak and scares me to know that it was his injury ultimately that killed him. I think, though, that he wouldn’t have it any other way. Finally paralysis/spinal cord injury/complications can be to blame. It’s their fault he isn’t here.

He had come so far and worked so hard to get movement in his arms back. He wasn’t satisfied and even up until yesterday, he was working. That determination was what drove him most of the time I think. It’s also what frustrated him too. Sometimes our bodies just don’t do what we tell them to, no matter how hard we try.

Last I talked to him, he seemed in good spirits, and we had talked about hanging out as soon as the snow had disappeared. We were kind of like the wheelchair duo around here.

I hope he is up there running and jumping and skipping and dancing and laughing. Doing all the things he so badly wanted to do. I hope he finds the peace he had been missing since his injury. I hope he has the happiness.

Even though we didn’t always agree (sports teams, politics, some handicap issues), he was my friend and I will miss him. It makes me so sad to know that he is gone, just like that.

Just like that. I hate that part.

December 30, 2010

no doubt.

I want to spill it out
and leave nothing inside
that might be of some comfort
to your own heart
instead of mine.

I want you to lap it up
soak it in
and only leave when you
can go with the sense that

somebody does
love you
without question.

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December 15, 2010


I care about you
the way I would care
about anyone with a heart
built as if love could
make them fly
and lips could really taste of sugar.

Your faith in this, to love
like we are new,
never felt heartache,
never been scared.
It is quite contagious.

If this is starting over,
let’s get going.

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November 26, 2010

R.I.P. Zack

A year ago, the world lost a very good man.
A year ago, a little girl lost her daddy.
A year ago, a wonderful woman became the mother who never got to say goodbye.
A year ago, a brother was left behind.
A year ago, a mistake was made, and a life was taken.
A year ago, I lost someone I never knew was as important to me as he has become now.

A year ago, heaven surely received its sweetest angel.

August 23, 2010

reliable friend.

You are sweet
for my soul,
bringing comfort
in those much-needed moments
in between the craziness of my day
and the low breaths of my slumber,
like the cushy cotton pillow
beneath my brushed blonde curls,
sweat-soaked but comfortable

and always there.

March 22, 2010

now it can start.

Today is the sentencing of the girl who was driving when he was killed. Every time something like this comes up, I miss seeing him. I will be relieved for his family when today is over, and they can finally begin their own healing without being torn up over and over again with court proceedings.

It will be a relief for a lot of people, I think.

**Edited to add: She got sentenced to 283 months. There’s not much for me to say about that I suppose. Just that 23 years will be a very long time that she’ll have to think about him.

February 19, 2010


I miss you
the way I would miss an old friend
who had moved away
to another city, another state
another life,
a friend who had a different plan
a friend I can’t see but still feel.

I repeat all the things
I wish I would have said
like how handsome you were
how you always made me laugh the hardest
and how you looked good in red.
To give myself a little peace
I tell myself you wouldn’t
have cared that much anyway
about what I had to say
but, really, I think you would have.

I miss you
in a way I shouldn’t
with a palpable aching
showing on my face.
Time wasted could have been spent
so much better, with you.

I’ve missed you
on a regular basis
every single day
since you’ve been gone
and I’ll miss you
again tomorrow
and every single day after.
Life has become
a merry-go-round of emotions
spinning and spinning
round and round.

But it always comes right back to you.

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October 6, 2008

never ending.

If there is something that I cannot stand to see, it’s my friends being in pain.  It makes me feel awful to see them cry or needing to scream, or both.  It makes me feel bad too, because I am awful at knowing how to console them.  The words that I say never seem to be the right ones and no matter how tight I hug them, I always want to hug tighter.

Robyn’s dad was killed this weekend in a car accident (her mom was also injured), and as much as I dreaded going to the hospital when I got that call, I knew I had to. I knew she was going to need that support. While we were there with her, only 2 hours after the accident had happened, I felt a sadness that I have never felt before. For the first time, I saw exactly what scares me most about losing people close to me: a complete helplessness of not knowing what to do. All she could do was cry and try to distract herself by making sure that her mom was going to be fine (which it turns out that she will). Robyn is one of the absolute toughest people that I know, and I just hate that she has to go through this. I want to wrap her up in some special blanket that will shield her from the pain and grief that she and her mom are feeling right now. I want to fast forward five years to a time when things will seem easier. I wish I could just protect her from it.

Life isn’t fair sometimes. She just finds a great guy, who is probably the best match for her ever, and then this happens. Is there a balance that I’m not aware of? Taking someone away because someone else has appeared? A negative for every positive? Canceling things out to remain at neutral? Some would say that that is what nature would want (random balance), but it’s just not fair.

It’s only the beginning of the road for her in the process of grief, and all I can do is be there for her when she needs me. Let’s just hope that some of the words I have can ease something in her.

July 21, 2008


There isn’t much to say about the situation, I guess. Joe Bob was shot, murdered even. I didn’t really expect for it to hit me the way it has, but I feel such a huge disbelief and sadness about it. I haven’t been able to really write anything about it yet, besides the last small poem entry about a conversation Mom and I had the other day, because I was still trying to figure out just how to feel.

It’s not like we were best friends, or that I saw him that often. I mean, he was bullheaded and opinionated and sometimes arrogant, and we usually ended up arguing anyway. But he shared an experience with my brother that deeply affected both of our families. And for that I think we all (or a few of us, anyway) felt a tie to him forever.

It makes me feel sick to think of him dying on a cold bar room floor. And for nothing. This shit is only supposed to happen in movies and on tv, far away from my friends, my family, and my home. Reality decided to slap us a good one, and I hope it wakes some people up about the way they live their lives. He wasn’t an angel, and he never would have claimed to be. He was a person though, a son, father, brother and friend, and no matter what he did, he didn’t deserve to die full of bullets.

I’ll be fine and don’t really need any words of encouragement. I worry about my brother though. I am afraid he’ll feel “alone” in what happened to them that night and dive even deeper into the guilt he’s been carrying around for all these years over Misty’s death. That’s a scary thought. It’s one of those things where you don’t think it can get any worse….until one day it does.

July 19, 2008

discussion in the van.

I tried to hide the creak in my voice,
but with the swift turn of her head,
I knew she caught it.

But thankfully she let the silence
linger in the air,
long enough for the tears to force themselves down,
pooling for a different day.