Posts tagged ‘Future’

August 1, 2010

and then there was this.


This place,
this feeling, this moment
is just right for
feeling worth everything.

This is going to take me somewhere
I forgot about.

and I’m just fine with
that.

January 7, 2009

Found it.

So I’m exhausted.

Waking up at 6 a.m. and having to be at work by 8 a.m. severely sucks.  Just take my word for it.

But if your job is as great as mine is (technically it’s an internship, I know.  But job is easier to type and say) then it’s not too big of a problem.  I went in at 8 yesterday morning, expecting an orientation and “shadowing” day.  That’s not what happened.  By 9:15 a.m., I had a project thrown to me, to take total design/content control over.  I seriously had to swallow a lump in my throat because I was so nervous.  I think the fear of messing it up on the first day was overwhelming at first, but after a bit I figured out just what I was going to do with my booklet and I eased up.

My cubicle is so cute.  I know, I am a huge nerd, but that’s fine with me.  Diana and I went to central supply and toted all kinds of goodies up for me to use.  I never knew office supplies could be so fun.  Plus I have my own badge, TSCPL email, voicemail, and soon a brand-new G5 Mac to use.

I took some pictures today, but they all turned out really blurry because I was trying to be quiet so I was taking pictures without a flash (4 other people are working  in my area).  So maybe I’ll try again tomorrow or next Tuesday.

For now, I am going to bed.  Lots to do tomorrow too.  I am going to fill out the application for a degree at school.  Yay.  Yearbook stories are also waiting.

November 7, 2008

eager.

Eagerly, I am trying to push against
all the negative that has driven itself into my life.

Eagerly, I am looking ahead to the future
and good things to come–
when the time of now will seem so distant.

Eagerly, I encourage you
to feel excited along with me,
even if being eager takes effort.

Nothing worth having ever came easy.

September 29, 2008

entering the next phase.


September 28, 2008

I always feel that when a change in seasons is upon us and the weather begins to change, that a certain kind of cleansing happens. A cleansing that allows us to get rid of the bad or angry feelings, any stress or negativity from the season before, and start fresh.

Even though the weather is still somewhat summery, I have felt that change happening in me this weekend. I relaxed. I read a book, for fun. I emailed an old friend, using my extra few minutes to make sure he knew I missed him instead of slaving over the things I should have been doing. I always get a sentimental feeling about seasons changing, because there will never be another spring of 03 or summer of 08, etc. I package them in my mind and try to remember things that happened by the month. It doesn’t always work, but I try.

This fall I am looking forward to the breezy air, the smell of dusk and stomped-through leaf piles. I am looking forward to candy corn and little kid Halloween costumes. I am looking forward to times with friends and photo sessions (yes, I have people that want me to do portraits for them for fall!).

I am looking forward to it all.

August 12, 2008

I’m coming prepared this time.

Countdown to classes: 6 days.

I went earlier to the library and brought home 5 different books on stress management and finding inner peace, even when things in life are going absolutely haywire. I have a serious problem with stress, as anyone who has dealt with me during busy and overwhelming times can attest to.

Last semester, I literally felt like I was going to lose my mind. So much piled up on me and many different things were nearing deadlines at the same time, and that stress combined itself with the anxiety and complete fear I have of being less than mediocre. Needless to say, I was a mess by the beginning of May. And when I am a mess, I am not a fun person to be around.

It makes me angry. At myself for being a procrastinator (which is another area I’m actively working on), at others for being rude and frustrating, even when they aren’t meaning to be, and at my entire life situation. I know that there is a snowball effect for negative thinking and stress, but still it’s hard for me to concentrate on anything because I am always thinking about what is coming next and what the next big obstacle or project is going to be. When the stress turns into full-blown anxiety, then I worry. About my own sanity.

This semester, with an extra class than normal and the responsibilities for Student Publications, has stricken a bit of fear in me. I know I can accomplish the tasks, but the stress of doing so might finally drive me to the breaking point.

And at 23, I am not supposed to be worried about a nervous breakdown.

Reading is one of the relaxing activities I do, to take my mind off of the small things that make up the whole, to put myself in someone else’s life for a little while. So reading about how to relax, well, I am hoping it gives me some insight on life and learning to manage time and stress and emotions, all at the same time.

August 4, 2008

twenty-three.

Yes, I am officially 23, as of today.  It was a quiet uneventful day mostly, and I can’t say that I mind.  I used to get so excited about my birthday, and I made sure everyone else counted down the days with me as it crept closer every year.  I have always remembered events by how old I was at the time, not by which year they occurred.  It’s always been important to me, and I don’t have a good explanation for it.  But with that excitement in me calming down, I can focus on the plans for my 23rd year.

I hope this is the year that things really bloom for me. I plan on making great things happen, moving past the hurtful things that I have recently dealt with, and generally putting my energy to doing what is right for me.  Kristi told me recently that I always try to hold everyone else up and spend more time worrying about them and put myself and my own feelings after everyone else.  And she’s right.  I can focus on myself for a year and not feel one bit selfish about it.  I deserve that much, I think. 

So here is to moving on, moving up, and loving myself before loving all the others.  Here is to 23!

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July 22, 2008

small bravery.

there was so much riding on this–
and with only a small nervousness
she backed herself into a corner
and wept away the boulders
that had settled themselves onto her tiny shoulders
then emerged with red-rimmed eyed
and an immensely lighter heart.

working on herself, she knew,
was the only way she could help her
work on everyone else.

who says you can’t make a difference in the world?

May 20, 2008

for today.

I am living the only way I know how
doing the best with what I have,
loving those still who I have lost
and moving towards the future
with bright eyes and a wide smile.

April 11, 2008

He said it just right.

I’m reading Chuck Palahniuk’s Invisible Monsters and just found something that he wrote very interesting.

“Who I was before the accident is just a story now. Everything before now, before now, is just a story I carry around. I guess that would apply to anybody in the world. What I need is a new story about who I am.”

I have felt this way before, and never could come up with the words to describe it. But this sums it up. In exactly 2 weeks from tonight, I’ll be paralyzed for 5 years, and I am still trying to figure out what and who I have become. I am a lot closer to it than I was even last year, and who knows where I’ll be next year. I thnk learning to live life in the present, while not dwelling on the things I miss, is becoming easier than I thought.