Posts tagged ‘happiness’

April 26, 2012

nine years.

Can you believe it? Nine years.

Nine years ago, I was paralyzed. Doctors were trying to xray and draw blood and keep me awake and stabilize my blood pressure. Basically, trying to keep me alive. But here I am. What a crazy thought. Unsettling and unreal.

The 8th year was a trying one, I won’t lie, but it was also one full of personal growth. Maybe you all can tell from my posts, but this year, I found happiness. Total, true, real and whole happiness. Not just because I found a great man who puts up with me because he wants to. But happiness within myself. I am happy because this year I learned how to forgive the people who don’t matter. I learned how to dramatically and quietly cut out negative and fake people from my life. I learned that keeping yourself fully busy with work, family, friends, and hobbies is tiring but totally necessary. I learned that real adult responsibility is such a stressful but rewarding thing. I learned that I need to give myself time to think and to care about me too. I learned that trust is not hard with a deserving person. I learned that you have to be the kind of person you would want to have as a friend. I learned (and I’m still learning) how to be good at being a part of two, instead of always on my own. I learned that I don’t always have to be so tough. I learned that I don’t have to give up any of my strength to be a softie too.

I have learned that simplifying life makes everything much more clear and focused. I thrive on clear and focused, and I plan on continuing that into my future.

Bring it on, year nine.

August 21, 2011

rewind. playback.

I usually would be excited to go to Colorado, but this year, it just seemed like a chore. Like I don’t have time for this! I definitely didn’t have the energy to deal with the nerves that go along with a week-long doctor’s visit. And physical therapy. And occupational therapy. All of it is exhausting with the hurry-up-and-wait, and I just didn’t want to do it at all.

But I went anyway.

I forgot how sad Craig Hospital can be. So many people newly injured. So many who don’t have any idea where they might be next year at this time. So many who muster all their strength just to make it through one day, just to wake up and do it again the next day. I can hardly believe that at one time, that was me. I was the one that probably looked at and thought “Oh God, poor kid.”

I’m no paralysis expert, but in 8 years, I have learned a thing or two. Sometimes figuring things out for myself is the only way, and I think that it is one of the hardest things I had to learn. What works for me might not work for someone else. So when I go back to Craig and they ask me to give someone a little pep talk about how good life can be after injury, I always feel like I’m lying a bit. MY life has been good post-injury, but my life is completely different than what it was before too. I have times where I am angry or jealous of “walking” people and all that they take for granted. I despise people who stare like I am some kind of alien. I have an ache in my legs when I think hard or long enough about running because I miss it so much. I can’t explain those feelings to a new patient. They’re still fragile, and I know they need encouraging words, not some girl telling them to buck up because it’s hard as shit. And that being happy might take some work every single day, but that it is totally worth it.

This time, Colorado was something new for me. A time to be thankful that I have come to this place, where knowing that I was that fragile is almost foreign. It’s like the girl I was when I was newly injured is so far behind me. I knew I had things in life to accomplish, and I was going to be damned if a wheelchair was going to stop them from happening. I never thought of myself to be quite as strong as people take me for, but maybe deciding that happiness will be an everyday part of my life is the strong part of me.

More pics to come later.

July 27, 2010

i can hardly stand it.

I thought it would be
less distracting alone
only me and the wind
but I only fooled myself.

Nothing is ever more distracting
than pure happiness
in the heart.

January 21, 2010


This year is about me.

I spent a majority of 2009 worrying about everyone else. Dad was really sick/hospitalized twice. Two babies were born into the family. Fights and tensions were sprinkled throughout. I know a few good things happened, like my graduation, Kristi’s visit, Maria moving back. Still, I had vowed to have a good year, and it turned up short.

So I decided that this year is going to be different.

It’s about me. Taking care of myself, spoiling myself, nurturing my own happiness.

One of the ways I am doing that is buying myself flowers every week. I like flowers. They’re pretty and make my room smell fresh. And they just make me happy. So I will have them. Who says you can’t buy yourself flowers? At least you don’t have to wait around for some man to buy them as a gesture.

The bouquet I bought this week is deliciously smelling and brightens my room. I’ll admit that I don’t really know what they are, but that’s okay with me. They’re yellow and pink and white. Next week maybe I’ll try something different, but the spring colors lifted me up and got me excited for spring and warmer temperatures and, oddly enough, spring rain.

2010 is looking up already.

June 13, 2009

Pit of happiness.

Gage Park, Rose Garden, June 12, 2009

Those moments in the day
when everything slows down
and the sunshine can settle
on the freckles in my cheeks,
normally hidden.
When the troubles dull themselves
and, really, nothing is important.

Those moments are my favorite.
They are the ones when I feel most alive.

March 15, 2009

into thin air.

Sometimes we have to
throw ourselves off
the edge,
especially when
falling seems like the scariest
thing that could happen to us.

But we all know
that if the landing is soft,
and we survive,
we’ll want to fall again eventually.

December 19, 2008


You caught me up in you,
and that’s all I wished to be.

September 21, 2008

sugar and spice.

my beautiful niece Makinna, September 2008

Lately I have been having very vivid dreams, ones that are so good that it’s a disappointment to wake up from. They’re the kind of dreams that leave that feeling in your chest of yearning, wanting it to be true so badly even though you know it can’t be, at that moment anyway.

Last night I dreamed that I had a baby, a gorgeous little girl, not much younger than Makinna is now. She had only a tiny bit of light hair and was just as delicate as every little girl should be. She had two teeth on the bottom and smiled so bright with the rest of her gummy smile, and she was the perfect shade of peach to complement any color.

It was odd, waking up with the feeling of utter joy at the thought of having my own baby. It also reaffirmed the confidence I have in myself that I am going to be a good mom. To have someone love you as unconditionally as a baby does is probably the best feeling I have ever experienced, even though none of the babies who love me are my own.

If only finding a decent daddy was as easy as loving a baby…….

May 29, 2008

No waiting until tomorrow.

Sometimes I open my eyes
and am not ready to start the day.
My eyes are too heavy,
my body still aches with sleep,
and there are things coming
that I know I don’t want to face.

I want to roll over,
sink back into my safe pillow,
and get back to dreaming.
But I get up anyway.

Sometimes a part of waking up
is making a decision to have a good day,
even when bad things are headbutting you
as hard as they can.
Sometimes we can’t wait
for the happiness to find us.
We have to find it
when it might not be visible.

May 21, 2008


(I originally had the formatting different for this poem, but I can’t figure it out on WP. I’ll try to fix it tomorrow.)

Let this moment be the one you see,
the one you feel,
the one you yearn to return to years later
when everything else feels jolted.
Let this moment be your happiest
and allow me to be a part of it.

May 20, 2008

for today.

I am living the only way I know how
doing the best with what I have,
loving those still who I have lost
and moving towards the future
with bright eyes and a wide smile.

March 29, 2008

Right here, right now.

The older I get and the more comfortable I am, the happier I am here.  I used to want out of Topeka, out of Kansas in general, so badly, but now I can almost see myself staying around.

That’s a weird feeling.  Content.  In Topeka.

In high school, it was a mortal sin to want to stay here to go to Washburn for college.  Anyone with a brain and anyone who was of any importance of course going to KU or K-State, or if they were ultra lucky and got scholarships, out of state.  My mind had been set on KU for years; I was practically born chanting Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

When the accident happened and things were sidelined for a year, priorities changed.  I was so ready to start over that Washburn seemed like a heaven.  I just wanted out of house and to be motivated again.  Moving to Lawrence to KU was definitely doable but not very practical in the situation I was in.  

Now I’m a proud Ichabod and can’t imagine finishing school anywhere else (but of course I still am a HUGE KU fan).

I was thinking earlier about how so many people’s plans didn’t go the way they expected.  Half of my graduating class goes to or has gradated from Washburn.  Some have bought houses, had babies, and been successful so far.  So much for going big and getting out of here.

Maybe as we get older (not that 22 is old, but I guess it’s more along the lines of growing up…) we realize that the dreams and plans and aspirations that we had when we were 17 or 18 just aren’t as realistic as we thought.  Partying isn’t all there is to life, and no matter where you are, the people can suck it up bigtime.

Happiness isn’t getting what you want; it’s wanting what you got.  And right now, having a normal life is sounding pretty good to me.  A glamourous job doesn’t seem so important.  I want a good man, to be a good wife, and to spend all the time I can with the little babies that good man and I will have.  

Considering my chronic indecisiveness, tomorrow I may feel differently.  But for today, being where I am, on the road to having all that one day, is good enough for me.