Posts tagged ‘relationships’

April 6, 2011

sissy.

when your heart feels weak
and bruised from his heavy footsteps
like it might never recover
from such a hard hit hurting,
I am here
to hold you when you cry
and make you laugh when you don’t.

if we could have seen into the future,
we never would have gone ahead
and loved the men we did.
maybe then we wouldn’t want
what we do.

if there is one thing I know,
you’ll smile again.
you’ve always been good at that.

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April 20, 2010

message.

Your voice cut out every few seconds
but in between the spaces and shock
I caught that you were truly sorry
and would be home sometime next month
from wherever it is you decided to disappear to.

I sat in the cold quiet then pushed play again
in case I had missed anything the first time around.
The words were the same, always the same
but I was different.
I was different.

How nice of you to call though,
now that I don’t need you.

March 11, 2010

the time traveler’s wife.


What a gorgeous book. The cover got me first, with its soft colors and emotional portrait of a little girl’s feet. I could just tell it was going to be a good book. I was definitely not disappointed. It took me a little while to get used to the style of writing that Audrey Niffennegger uses to tell the story. I had to adapt my brain to jump around in time, just as Henry does. It was an interesting perspective.

I heard the movie is not even up to par compared to the book, and really, I don’t think it ever could be. I don’t think a movie could make the love between Henry and Clare seem as intense as it did in the book. In my own imagination anyway. I could be wrong, and when I rent the movie, I am going to have to remind myself to not look for mistakes or inconsistencies that usually occur when making the film adaptation of a great story.

And even if the movie blows, the book is still on my must-recommend-to-everyone list.

It’s one of those books that really made me think about things, mostly about love, and ask questions. Do people really love that deeply? That they are willing to spend half of their life waiting for another particular person? That they would do absolutely anything for them? It made me realize that this is the kind of relationship my parents have. Total love and commitment and selflessness. It leaves me with the hope that my other one is waiting for me too.

January 18, 2010

hard.

It was a mystery
and I wanted to figure it out.

Only I didn’t expect to be so invested
so lost afterwards
so hurt
when I realized it was all true,
all those whispering words
of others who had wasted time.

Yes, they were right.
The story is true.

Your heart is incapable
of love.

January 7, 2010

just hold on.

I’ve never been a romance kind of girl,
but one of these days
I hope to find the kind of love
that leaves me breathless,
the kind that never loses excitement
or becomes even a bit boring
or predictable.
I hope to find the one
kind of love
that makes me want nothing else,
nothing more.

Somewhere there is someone else
with the same feeling.
Finding him seems to be the problem.

November 18, 2009

patient.

You hold your heart right
in your front pocket for situations
just like this one,
when a pretty girl reaches her palm
outstretched and waiting.

You wait and hope
and wait and hope
and never get
what you wait and hope for.

You always get it back
broken shard by shard.
You never learn your lesson
and you’re never immune to the pain.

You just tape it back up,
get ready for the next one
and keep your heart still
there ready in your pocket.

November 10, 2009

future.

even when I can’t believe
a goddamn word you say,
I’ll still look at you and hope
hard that I’m wrong.

even when I feel you pull away,
I’ll tell myself it’s something else.

even when your smile
is only trying to smooth things over,
I’ll still look for some genuineness.

even when I want to leave,
I’ll always stay.

even when we say we don’t
love each other,
I always will.

November 3, 2009

heat.

If it doesn’t leave a little burning inside your chest,
it probably isn’t worth pursuing.

If it doesn’t leave you wanting more,
it’s not going anywhere.

That’s not you
and me.

When you and I are doing
does nothing less
than kill me every time we’re apart.

If it doesn’t do the same to you
just leave and put me out
of my misery now.

November 1, 2009

high hopes.

maybe we could do this,
change each other’s minds
about love.

could we be anymore
the same?
hurt and guarded,
seared but still waiting?

maybe we could get
each other through it
and find something new
on the other side.

maybe you could be
the one who finally
is able to break me.

October 30, 2009

drunken conversation.

I told him straight to his face
I don’t trust men–
well, except my daddy.
They all lie
and cheat
then lie about the cheating.

They all start out nice
and seem like a dream
right out of some fairy tale.
That’s what girls are supposed to want, right?
A Prince Charming?
Because that’s what society whispers
in tiny pierced ears as they are handed Barbies
and the boys get trucks.

I’m getting off topic.
Just like a woman, I suppose.

I can’t totally fault a man for being an ass.
Society says that’s okay too.

But basically I let him know
I hate men,
mostly because of their ways.

He smiled,
just as sweet as I knew he would
and promised to prove me wrong.

Right then, he was proving me right.

July 9, 2009

i refuse to disappear.

It’s no secret that I am a big, fat failure at relationships. I admit it. And my last post shows the very sharp impatience I have for the entire dating scene. I hate the waiting. Hate it thoroughly.

I heard a song today that said “love and pride can’t occupy the same spaces” and I almost fell over. That one line made me feel that everything I have been doing is exactly the wrong things. I am too proud, too stubborn, too stuck in my own head, and far too hesitant about the commitment that relationships entail. I have expectations. I am not going to settle. I’ve seen it too many times in the lives of my friends, who are unhappy now. I expect some chivalry, some romance, some intelligent conversation, some laughs. But the commitment thing is the biggest problem I have. Just when I decide he is great enough to get close, I run for the hills. Or if somehow I manage to not ruin it by pushing him away, when I do see some potential, he changes his mind.

So how do you change what you need to change if they are the things that make you, you? And if I am being honest, I really like those things about myself, the ones that help define me as an individual. I don’t necessarily want to change them and be like every other girl on the planet. Apparently, I’m just difficult.

I think I need to find a guy who is just as afraid of being hurt. Maybe then we’ll be careful with each other’s hearts.

This is starting to feel like a big waiting game.

July 8, 2009

let’s get this overwith.

Dating just sucks. I want to skip all this mumbo jumbo dating crap, and just get to the love part already.

I have another started on this subject–and my relationship disasters–but it will have to wait. I’m too tired to get into it now.

March 15, 2009

into thin air.

Sometimes we have to
throw ourselves off
the edge,
especially when
falling seems like the scariest
thing that could happen to us.

But we all know
that if the landing is soft,
and we survive,
we’ll want to fall again eventually.

March 13, 2009

Best part of my day.

It has taken me a long time to understand the importance of pampering yourself, and how wonderfully it is to be relaxed when the rest of the world is running around crazy. Today is that day of relaxation for me. Granted, the things that I find relaxing are things that people might consider chores, like cooking (awesome pepperoni breadsticks again!), reading, blogging, and cleaning.

I have been under a lot of pressure lately, but I need a break. I am making it a point to keep a day–or even a half a day each week for myself. So far, it’s going well and I don’t feel as overwhelmed with things. I keep thinking “What good is anything if you don’t have someone who supports or cares about it too?” It’s kind of a vague question, but to me, it makes perfect sense. Everyone gets so caught up in work and everyday worries that they really neglect the relationships that they have, even the most important ones. I don’t want to be one of those people. I want my relationships to be first because I really wouldn’t be where I am without these people around me. Part of my relaxation time is including more time, quality time, with the people who matter the most. It’s important and is a huge priority that should have been at the top of my list for a very long time.

Graduation is in 64 days away. Yay!

September 15, 2008

but to hold you over…

I found this today in an older notebook, and it resonated with me again, in a way that I never meant them to, in a different friendship/relationship. I won’t explain the words, so you just enjoy them how they are.

gone fishing?

hook’s in, anchor down,
heart stolen, smile fixed.
Or so you think.
You’ve got me–true–
but there’s slack in the line,
dropping lazily with no reeling
to be done by your hands.

Before, you tried, you reeled
until the hooked snagged my attention
ever so gently, then
you settled for that, easy catch.

But easy catches release
themselves in time of no suspicion,
take themselves back
to the deepest part of the pond,
reluctant to follow any wriggly worm
that shows itself again.

So you’d better sit up and take notice
before you end up watching
for the movement of your next bobber.

June 13, 2008

Hem it up.

I’ve been making changes lately,
decisions that have altered
the way I look, the way I feel,
and the way everything around me looks and feels.
I’ve shied away from some of the people I had been surrounding myself with
and all the drama that came with them.
And I’m not worrying about what comes next,
even when the graduation I have wanted is less than a year away.
These changes are making me happy again,
these changes are getting things back to normal, and
these changes are what I have been waiting for.

I am smiling and looking forward to the future,
whether more changes occur or not.
Right now, they’re right.

March 17, 2008

Mean streak.

I really only have time to say that I feel vengeful today. Somehow he thinks it’s okay to end it without an explanation and that I should just deal with it. Well, I already dealt with it. I’m amazingly fine about it actually. But I still want a damn explanation.

March 5, 2008

Pretty distant for no long-distance.

My mom says I am fickle.

I say I just move on after the first disappointment. No need for round 2.

Nick and I have had a good relationship, but I just don’t want to be in a relationship when I don’t see him. It’s not even about being confused anymore. It’s about having a boyfriend that I never see, and he doesn’t seem to care that much about it. When I just getting to the point of being mildly comfortable with the idea of a boyfriend too.

I haven’t even seen him to talk to him about this. Sad, I know. Maybe he doesn’t even realize that I am feeling this way, but I think that I have dropped enough hints for him to catch on. I even told him last night that I would call after class tonight to drop by. But when I called, no answer. No call back. I mean, if that’s not clear enough, then I don’t know what is.

But, of course, guys can be dense. We’ll see what happens, but this isn’t going to work the way it’s going right now.

February 12, 2008

Not a new feeling, just refreshed.

For the first time in a long time, today was a sunshiny good day. I didn’t accomplish much besides paying a few bills and getting shopping done, but I have had a good feeling. A feeling like good things are on the horizon, and I haven’t felt less stress in the past few weeks.

It reminded me of part of a song from West Side Story.

Could be!
Who knows?
There’s something due any day;
I will know right away,
Soon as it shows.
It may come cannonballing down through the sky,
Gleam in its eye,
Bright as a rose!

Who knows?
It’s only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Under a tree.
I got a feeling there’s a miracle due,
Gonna come true,
Coming to me!

Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something’s coming, something good,
If I can wait!
Something’s coming, I don’t know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!

February 1, 2008

Love like this makes life okay.

I bought Ted Kooser’s new book today, Valentines. It contains 21 of his poems that he written over the past 21 years, starting in 1986 (my very first Valentine’s Day on this earth), one for each Valentine’s Day. He had these poems printed on postcards and sent to women that he knew, as well as random ones who signed up to receive one. His first, Pocket Poem, is by far my favorite. There are only a handful of poems that strike me but can still stay with me over time. I think this one will stay. It’s so simple, yet so beautiful and brings all the warm feelings in my heart out through his words.

Pocket Poem

If this comes creased and creased again and soiled
as if I’d opened it a thousand times
to see if what I’d written here was right,
it’s all because I looked too long for you
to put it in your pocket. Midnight says
the little gifts of loneliness come wrapped
by nervous fingers. What I wanted this
to say was that I want to be so close
that when you find it, it is warm for me.

January 30, 2008

Hollow.

“To accompish great things we not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe.” –Anatole France

I wish I could be living this quote more in my life.

Lately I have been feeling uninspired. Everyday just passes the same way, and nothing particularly significant happens. I get through each week to enjoy the weekend, and even that has become almost boring. Same people, same bar, same music, same conversations. I wanted a consistant routine back when school was on break, and now I am bored with such an empty routine.

When I feel like this, bored and just going through the motions of each day, it makes me feel empty of all emotion. It could be the winter cold and snow and lack of sunshine, but it’s such a dreary feeling. I’m not depressed, just indifferent. I’m not happy but not sad. Just…empty. Yesterday I was reading through my journal from last year, and I wrote once about feeling something similar last March. About being void of emotions. It’s disappointing to me that I have so many good things in my life, but still I not satisfied right now. It makes me feel unappreciative of them.

I need spring already.

January 13, 2008

It’s in his kiss…

With the simplest of smiles
he reads the premature lines of my eyes
and takes my hand into his,
enfolding carefully the nails
colored with Dr Pepper paint,
as if sealing a letter
ink-ridden with secrets,
compliments of the heart.

As my lips touch his,
a smile lingers against their softness,
only for a second, then invites him in
as rough whiskers braze my cheek,
the coarseness of a day not shaved.
Free fingers find his jaw, fond of this man,
owner of imperfection so genuine.

A comfort he provides engulfs me
relaxing tensions I had feared
and igniting a hysteria inside
that fuels the need for more of his kiss,
a kiss so new yet familiar,
definitely worth knowing.

January 12, 2008

When the waves are calm….

I am just not in the mood to party tonight. Nick went to Kansas City, which takes half the fun out of partying, and Jackie is coming back to town on next Saturday so I should be saving money for then anyway.

It’s been a long time since staying home and watching movies was more appealing than going out with my friends. But since Nick came along, I’d almost rather be cuddled up than nursing a beer bottle. He brings me a comfort I haven’t had in a while. Damn you KC for taking him away tonight!

I’m working on Lindley’s birthday present to pass the time. I have had the idea for a long time, and I wanted to wait until he left for New York City to give it to him. But I decided that now–his birthday, I mean–is as good a time as any. I’m almost nervous about it, mostly because I hope he’ll like it. It’s important to me, and I am just hoping that he’ll feel the same. I don’t want to give it away so I’ll shut up about it now. Oh, the excitement!

January 6, 2008

Back and forth.

How can it be that sometimes I am so sure of myself, of everything I want, and exactly what I want to do with my life & at other times nothing makes any sense to me?

I am happy. There’s no denying that, but why, then, does the thing (person & situation) that makes me smile 100 percent of the time, make me doubt so many things that I am or want? All the wishy-washy thoughts in my head drive me crazy, and the doubt makes me feel like an awful, contradicting person…like I am cheating him out of something by not being completely sure of this. I should be in or out, not halfway on both sides. That’s the guarded part of my heart working, I think.

I am going soon to see him, and I know that as soon as I get there, things will be great again. As usual. I shouldn’t be so worried about this.

January 3, 2008

It’s true…

that if happiness could make a person stop breathing, I would’ve suffocated a few weeks ago.

Blame it on the boy.

Happiness