Posts tagged ‘responsibility’

August 25, 2008

neverland?


In a place where I sometimes feel that everyone has turned into robots, cold and angular, just working for material things and status, I found a tiny bit of goodness left.

On the drive home tonight, after spending 5 hours in the library studying for classes this week, I was behind a new Jaguar, still with its 30-day tag crisp on its back end. The weather was nice, not hot enough for an air conditioner and not cold enough for a heater. I saw the window come down and out came a grey precision suited arm. The man held it there in the wind, and then he moved his hand up and down, making waves the way I’ve seen kids do a million times out of the window. I remember doing it too when I was younger.

He turned off into the neighborhood of expensive colonial-style houses and still had his arm out as I passed the street he turned on. I’m not sure why it made me smile, but just the thought of a 50-something businessman, who obviously lived in an expensive home and drove a brand new Jag, getting a kick out of feeling the wind through his fingers on such a nice day made the frustration of the day melt away.

I have often dreaded growing up, coming out of the age where being young and spontaneous and forgetful and dreamy isn’t acceptable anymore, into an age where being responsible and rigid is what is expected. It scares me to grow up sometimes, to gain all these heavy responsibilities, to be the one that other people, one day even children, will rely on. But seeing a grey suited arm out that window today gave me a hope, an assurance that, yes, I can still be the dreamy person I am, even if it’s just on the way home from work each day.

August 12, 2008

I’m coming prepared this time.

Countdown to classes: 6 days.

I went earlier to the library and brought home 5 different books on stress management and finding inner peace, even when things in life are going absolutely haywire. I have a serious problem with stress, as anyone who has dealt with me during busy and overwhelming times can attest to.

Last semester, I literally felt like I was going to lose my mind. So much piled up on me and many different things were nearing deadlines at the same time, and that stress combined itself with the anxiety and complete fear I have of being less than mediocre. Needless to say, I was a mess by the beginning of May. And when I am a mess, I am not a fun person to be around.

It makes me angry. At myself for being a procrastinator (which is another area I’m actively working on), at others for being rude and frustrating, even when they aren’t meaning to be, and at my entire life situation. I know that there is a snowball effect for negative thinking and stress, but still it’s hard for me to concentrate on anything because I am always thinking about what is coming next and what the next big obstacle or project is going to be. When the stress turns into full-blown anxiety, then I worry. About my own sanity.

This semester, with an extra class than normal and the responsibilities for Student Publications, has stricken a bit of fear in me. I know I can accomplish the tasks, but the stress of doing so might finally drive me to the breaking point.

And at 23, I am not supposed to be worried about a nervous breakdown.

Reading is one of the relaxing activities I do, to take my mind off of the small things that make up the whole, to put myself in someone else’s life for a little while. So reading about how to relax, well, I am hoping it gives me some insight on life and learning to manage time and stress and emotions, all at the same time.