Posts tagged ‘self’

March 11, 2011

thoughts.

+ It was a rough week. I wanted to strangle someone, anyone really, but I managed to keep my composure. You know how I wrote once about not having my dream job? This week has felt more like it is a nightmare.

+ American Idol has become a guilty pleasure again. Paul (the Rod Stewart sound-a-like) is so awkwardly adorable. I love it.

+ I miss football, but at least I have KU basketball to keep me occupied. Rock Chalk Jayhawk!

+ I didn’t give up anything for Lent this year. Bad? Maybe. But I figure I have given up enough in my life to hopefully be forgiven one day.

+ Paper cuts + antibacterical hand sanitizer = PAIN!!!

+ Retail therapy is weird. I don’t understand how spending money can make me feel better about anything, but it does.

+ Reed’s chicken sanchos are my fav. The end.

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February 24, 2011

I am my own.


I don’t think that a full “picture” comes across on this blog about me, about my personality as a whole, only bits and parts of it. I tend to purge all of the really soft moments and feelings here because I am usually too stubborn and proud to let many people around me see them or comfort me when I might need it. It’s just how I protect myself partly I guess. So I thought I might let you all in on a little more of me, as a whole, beside the writer and photographer and occasional crybaby.

+ I am a smartass. I’ve been told that so many times I can’t even count so it’s not like I gave myself that title. I tend to make light of situations that other don’t (for instance, my paralysis/wheelchair). Sometimes it’s so much easier to heal with things with a laugh.

+ People drive me crazy with their stupidity. I have a short tolerance for people who live their life recklessly and then complain about how messed up things are for them. I am not mean or confrontational or anything like that; I just walk about or change the subject or stay quiet. It gets the point across. If you don’t like the way things are going, change something. Right?

Ah, only two tidbits today. It’s going to be a busy day, but with what, I’m not yet sure.

February 10, 2011

i’m still learning.


I’m not too much of a lip stick girl. In fact, I wear as little makeup as possible most of the time. I go with some powder, mascara and Chapstick on a normal basis, but that’s about it. Eyeliner and lip gloss on the weekends. I’m really pretty simple.

Lately I’m on a lip stain kick. I like that it stays on and makes me feel pretty. I like that it takes so little to do that. (I know, the black and white doesn’t make it look like I have any on.) I think I am coming into my own and finding a different kind of confidence in myself, a grown-up kind, where I don’t need the approval of someone else to feel good about who I am. I only need to feel it within myself.

I have to admit that I am feeling quite liberated in that sense. I love that part most of all.

January 25, 2011

with some searching.


I like to think I am a total badass.

I suppose that I am, a little bit, in between the soft heart and quietly emotional soul.

There is some badass in there somewhere.

December 29, 2010

random moment.

I watched Eat, Pray, Love.

And I cried. Not because the story was particularly happy or sad, but because I realized that I had no idea who I am without this pain that I hold onto, without the strength that it gives me. I am afraid to give it up because I like that strength, but I don’t want it to make me get lost in myself. I can’t lose me.

I can’t lose me, even if I don’t know who I am yet.

November 2, 2010

oh, heart.

I forgot I could live like this
so full and easy
floating along on happiness
totally true to myself
and the future ahead.

I might never have to
let myself down again
if things continue to go
this way.

I might never have to.

Comfort, right here, in you
to get through.

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October 22, 2010

the girl who.


I hold my own heart
when I cry and figure out
my own problems.

I don’t tell too much
to too many people.

You might say my pride
holds me back, but really
it holds me
together.

I’ve always had to be
the tough one–
but now it’s just
who I am.

Tough.
So tough,
I’m practically broken.

I am myself.
I don’t need
nobody’s help.

August 16, 2010

and then I could see.

So probably an hour after I posted that last post, the girl at the Vision Center called to tell me my glasses were in. I thought for sure she was wrong because they said it usually takes 5-7 business days. I ordered them last Wednesday so I figured I had another 2 days of being blurry. But nope, I have them on my face. I’m still getting used to them and trying to decipher where the line between far and near blurs, but they’re okay. It’s just going to take a little time.

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June 28, 2010

advice to my 16-year-old self.


Maria and I, 2001

Christmas 2002

You think you have everything figured out, but believe me, you don’t know anything about real life. You don’t know that as you get older, it only gets more complicated. You don’t yet know what being lonely feels like. You don’t know what exhausted is. You don’t have anything figured out yet so take a breathe and take things as they come.

Don’t assume the people around you always have your best interest in mind. Mostly they don’t. They are quite like you, rather self-contered.

You’re going to be hurt. You’re going to go through hell (and back) and feel like your world has dropped out from beneath you. You’re going to need to cry. So cry and scream and hit something if you need to. But don’t be afraid.

Don’t be afraid.

Love will be yours, so embrace it. Love him, and let him know you do. He loves you too, but he won’t be yours forever. Some things are tough for even the strongest man to deal with. He’ll hurt your heart, but don’t resent him. Try to understand him for trying to protect himself. It’s all you’ve ever tried to do, after all.

Losing him will make you feel crazy and lonely and guard your heart like you never had to before. You will be fine. You won’t feel like it sometimes, but trust me, eventually seeing him, knowing he is just down the street will get easier. Just being his friend will one day be enough to calm your heart.

Some of your friends aren’t really your friends at all. They will look at situations differently and ultimately do what is best for themselves, not you or your friendship. Cherish Maria, Jessica, and Lindsey. They’ll be the ones that are real.

Be genuinely happy. Don’t worry. Those little things won’t matter later, but you’ll be calmed someday to know you enjoyed life.

College is important, but don’t make it your life’s only accomplishment.

Do what you love. Don’t always do what is expected of you. Your life needs adventure so you can have stories to tell later. Have fun. Cause a little trouble.

Gear up for one hell of a fight and put your smile on while you are out there kicking ass. Prove people wrong.

You are going to be loved and go far. Believe both and you’ll be fine.

You will be just fine.

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June 14, 2010

so on it goes.


I came looking
for some meaning and clarity,
the something inside myself
that so holds me back.

I came searching
and still feel empty-handed.

May 10, 2010

junk.


The smell of bleach makes me gag. Really, it does.

I am borderline obsessed with finding new music to like.

I think M&Ms have the best tasting chocolate, even though Skor is my favorite candy bar.

I wear retainers 4 nights a week. I didn’t wear braces for 3 years for nothing.

I’m a junk food-a-holic.

I’m reading Water for Elephants for the third time. It’s just that good of a book.

I love the smell of fresh cut grass and lilacs.

People usually say my smile is my best feature.

I’ve never seen a Freddy Krueger movie.

I quite dislike all but one of our neighbors. They’re not very nice people.

I’m so not a morning person.

I love, love, love alliteration. It makes me happy.

I say “fuck” a lot when I’m frustrated or mad.

I hate talking on the phone and listening to voicemail. Text me instead.

April 5, 2010

if it’s in front of you, embrace it.

I need to be okay with what I have. I need to be content with a life that’s less than perfect but still make it as good as it can be. I need to not worry about where I wish I was but love where I am. I need to be happy with being fortunate enough to have the love and support and laughter I have and not wish for more. I need to spend more time telling the people I love that I do, and less time worrying about the people that I don’t. I need to be me 100% of the time and not apologize for it.

I know wanting and dreaming and wishing and striving for better aren’t bad things, but I realized I need to be happy with this moment, and live in it fully. I am afraid I’ll start missing things if I am always looking for what’s next.

March 17, 2010

if I should ever.


I make it a habit to take time for myself, time to wrap my head around things that are going on in my life in some quiet place. Most of the time I spend quiet time on a little road trip. Sometimes I go to Kansas City or Manhattan, and sometimes I leave the house, cameras and journal in hand, and I don’t really have a clue where I am headed. Driving is like ironing to me. You don’t really need to think about what you’re doing. It’s just the motions that soothe you.

Lately there has been tension running its way through our family, the kind that clearly cuts us down the middle, dividing us between right and wrong, anger and obligation. It’s not a good feeling to know that no matter what you say, sometimes it will not be heard and taken to heart. So yes, because of frustration, a road trip was needed.

The picture was taken in Silver Lake, after a long drive down a country (bumpy!) road. I thought I had gotten lost for about 45 minutes. Normally, I would have panicked, but I just kept driving. I didn’t really care if I was lost in the middle of the country. It was almost nice.

March 5, 2010

bright sky.

my head stays on straight
my heart keeps rhythm
and my smile seldom wavers.

life usually is sunny
and hardly do I see grey clouds.

i am strong

(but occasionally i need a reminder).

November 7, 2009

knot.

It’s in you, right where
you always hide it,
and it’s waiting.
For you, it’s just waiting
whenever you are ready
and wherever you go,
it will too, still lingering,
for the day you are
finally ready.

It’s there and
you feel it.

July 9, 2009

i refuse to disappear.

It’s no secret that I am a big, fat failure at relationships. I admit it. And my last post shows the very sharp impatience I have for the entire dating scene. I hate the waiting. Hate it thoroughly.

I heard a song today that said “love and pride can’t occupy the same spaces” and I almost fell over. That one line made me feel that everything I have been doing is exactly the wrong things. I am too proud, too stubborn, too stuck in my own head, and far too hesitant about the commitment that relationships entail. I have expectations. I am not going to settle. I’ve seen it too many times in the lives of my friends, who are unhappy now. I expect some chivalry, some romance, some intelligent conversation, some laughs. But the commitment thing is the biggest problem I have. Just when I decide he is great enough to get close, I run for the hills. Or if somehow I manage to not ruin it by pushing him away, when I do see some potential, he changes his mind.

So how do you change what you need to change if they are the things that make you, you? And if I am being honest, I really like those things about myself, the ones that help define me as an individual. I don’t necessarily want to change them and be like every other girl on the planet. Apparently, I’m just difficult.

I think I need to find a guy who is just as afraid of being hurt. Maybe then we’ll be careful with each other’s hearts.

This is starting to feel like a big waiting game.

August 4, 2008

twenty-three.

Yes, I am officially 23, as of today.  It was a quiet uneventful day mostly, and I can’t say that I mind.  I used to get so excited about my birthday, and I made sure everyone else counted down the days with me as it crept closer every year.  I have always remembered events by how old I was at the time, not by which year they occurred.  It’s always been important to me, and I don’t have a good explanation for it.  But with that excitement in me calming down, I can focus on the plans for my 23rd year.

I hope this is the year that things really bloom for me. I plan on making great things happen, moving past the hurtful things that I have recently dealt with, and generally putting my energy to doing what is right for me.  Kristi told me recently that I always try to hold everyone else up and spend more time worrying about them and put myself and my own feelings after everyone else.  And she’s right.  I can focus on myself for a year and not feel one bit selfish about it.  I deserve that much, I think. 

So here is to moving on, moving up, and loving myself before loving all the others.  Here is to 23!

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