Posts tagged ‘TM’

March 2, 2009

Sorry for the Stubborn

Blood slinging swords slice
through open air,
cutting the silence carefully,
thinly into packages of anger
accompanied by sheer hate.

Darkness hardens and chills
the metallic blades that are tossed lustrously,
aiming for the busiest of arteries within,
anticipating a plea for mercy.

One for another,
the swings more violently erupt.
Eyes crying now with each glint of light.
Rage for each other
itself turns to puncture both beings.

Wounded are these two.
Neither able to rise in triumph,
neither presents a smile of accomplishment,
but instead sink toward the red grass,
one’s hand reaching for the other’s
offering comfort to opposing.

It’s too late now.

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October 11, 2008

around this time.


Kansas, October 10, 2008

I remember when I first fell in love, and the weather on that day was just like it is today. We had to crunch through dry leaves on his driveway, and there was a big pumpkin on the porch. Fall felt good, and the wind smelled of that dry dust that comes with the need to rake.

I remember being young, and possibly too naive, but I remember that the feeling was by itself great. He had captured me after a few months of the chase, and giving in was the most spontaneous I had probably ever been.

I remember only wanting to be with him because he was in the plans for the future.

I remember that he was one of the greatest guys I had ever met, at that point.

His kiss on my forehead was all that I needed to smile, and I could sit without complaint to watch him slave away working on 4-wheelers. Spending time with him was my idea of fun.

I remember being in love.

August 16, 2008

goodbye, my lover.


A tangled heart. Can you see it?

Giving it up for good. Really, I am. I know that I always say I am giving him up, but that soft spot I have for him always turns to mush when he says the right words. Every other time I melted under the tiny flame that he knew would get me.

Now, though, I am learning that there is a difference between loving someone and wanting to be with them.

I remember a time when so many things were laced with freedom and spontaneity, feelings existed that with no one else have I ever felt, and we held memories that cannot possibly be replaced. They say you only have one soul mate in life. He is the closest I have ever been to it, and the strongest, deepest love I have ever known. But something in that was scary; the fact that he had the ultimate power over my heart, and still played with it recklessly.

Most people would say that we have something worth keeping. But it’s different now, and I am ready to let it go, ready to let him go. I can’t really explain this feeling I have inside. It’s a mix of sadness, hurt, guilt and relief, all at the same time. Maybe I thought I wanted him so much that I didn’t even recognize that it really is all gone. It slipped away when I was so enthralled in everything else, and now I can’t force it back into my heart.

I love him. But I don’t want him anymore. I am letting him go this time, for good.

This is
the
end,
again.

So why, then, am I so happy about it?

August 13, 2008

when it’s done,

what am I to do
with only a smile
and a worn note
inside an empty wallet?

what will words from your heart
buy for a girl like me
in the middle
of this dark night?

where will I go
to cry my tears
when the only place
I am accustomed to is you?

and who will I love
if I don’t love you?

July 27, 2008

rough but beautiful.


Mount Cavalry Cemetery, July 2008

Love gets rusted over and worn down,
hard and resistant to the most gentle of actions,
even enough to make us hopeless
that it could ever be what it once was,
like calloused skin that only requires a little bit
of extra attention to return to its smooth silkiness.

It isn’t until love has gotten so far gone
that we miss it, and want it back.
Only then do we appreciate the comfort it can give us
and the happiness that sings to our heart
when we look at that one person,
the only other one who can hear the same song.

June 25, 2008

afternoon note.

Some days, I need a hug.
Some days, I need more hours than the day can possibly give me.
Some days, I don’t need anything at all.
Yesterday, I obviously needed a breather.

But today, all I needed was to know you were thinking of me.
Thank you.
It was perfect.

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June 10, 2008

Opening up.

Loving another person completely with no reservations,
hesitations, or doubts is no insignificant act.  
Allowing a person to have more control
over the way your heart beats than even yourself
is no easy task when all you want to do is run
in the opposite direction.
Taking the first step at trying
is the only way to hold onto
what you’re most scared of losing.

June 6, 2008

Parallels of the Carrie’s.

While out for lunch today with friends, we were talking about the new Sex and the City movie, which none of us have yet to see but all want to.  In this discussion, one of them (a male who watches SATC!) compared to the Carrie Bradshaw.

Okay, besides the name thing, it’s a total coincidence that she’s a writer with blonde curly hair who dates all the wrong men.  Otherwise, you’d think that Candace Bushnell was writing about me when she wrote her book.  I guess I never realized that I had anything major in common with the character until today even though I have loved the show for a while now.

It got me to thinking though.  

We all know that Carrie goes back to Big in the last episode of the series, and obviously from the previews of the movie, they’re planning on getting married.  I’ve always gunned for them to be together, in a serious monogamous relationship, because I think they quite compliment each other.  But they always had obstacles in their way. Wives, ex-wives, boyfriends, their own stubbornness, fear of being hurt, etc. It was always something.  

And now I know.  TM is my Big.  He’s the one who is always the guy who I come back to.  Always the one that I forgive.  Always the one that knows me better than anyone.  Always the one who can make me smile even though he was the reason I cried too many times.  Always the one who I will love forever and ever (and EVER!). And the one relationship that should be the easiest, but still, it has the most obstacles too.  

It’s ridiculous how twisted my heart is around him.  Sure, right now we are just friends (as anyone who reads this regularly knows).  But who am I kidding?  Can I just be friends with him?  Strictly friends, without any other feelings coming into play.  No. I can’t. There’s always something stronger there for him, even if it isn’t acted upon.  He’s the constant that I have.  No matter who I date or care about, he’s the one who is always constantly holding a piece of me.  I’ve tried harder than anything to make that go away, but what a waste of time that was.  So, no, we aren’t just friends.  But we aren’t in a relationship either.

Right now, I’m not expecting anything to happen.  I’ve learned that expectations and getting my hopes up only puts a strain on things.  Relationships don’t work with strains.  

A few friends (who I might add don’t have the best relationship records themselves) think that I am stupid for even talking to him again after all that happened.  Maybe they are right, but I don’t care.  It’s not their life, or their heart, and I have never run to them when things have gone wrong anyway.   I deal with things by myself usually when it comes to him, except for what Kristi gives me advice on.  

Either way, things with him are on the right track.  No arguing or bitterness makes everyone happy.  

June 2, 2008

He and I.

We met so very long ago.

I was not sold at first.
He turned out to be more than I expected though.

I expected some hesitation.
He saved me from holding my breath.

I expected it to take longer to fall.
He gave me no time for questions.

I assumed the flaws were obvious.
He only called me beautiful.

I melted under his fingertips.
He never went too far.

I wanted it to go there.
He let me lead.

I spilled the worst of me, deep and dark.
He delicately kissed tears away.

I never really deserved his heart.
He gave it to me anyway.

I believe in who he is.
He will be in the stars someday.

I love him with every ounce of my being.
He keeps it safe in his heart.

We’re wasting all kinds of time.

June 2, 2008

30 things.

1. “Stiffen that uppa lip up, little lady.” (I tell myself that when I am feeling a cry coming on. And it sometimes even works.)
2. I have been really disappointed in a lot of my friends lately. It’s making me see them differently.
3. I don’t have room for anything anymore. My bedroom is a wreck.
4. I hate goodbyes.
5. I love the NHRA drag races. It’s about as redneck as I get.
6. I secretly think Cory Mac (the racer) is pretty cute.
7. I like being alone most of the time. I can deal with myself just fine.
8. And single isn’t bad, but sometimes I miss having someone who is always on my team.
9. There are 2 guys in this world that I have claimed for myself. Yet neither one of them are actually mine.
10. And they’ve both told me they love me. And again, neither one are mine.
11. I have only given up on one of them.
12. I find inspiration through so many avenues I couldn’t begin to list them all.
13. I cannot forget the feeling of running, even though I lost the feeling of my legs.
14. Sometimes when I drink I get really emotional. I don’t know where it comes from.
15. That’s why I quit drinking. I can’t handle the unexpected crying and feelings.
16. There are times when disappearing and never coming back looks like the best solution.
17. All TM (guy #1 of the above 2 guys) has to do is smirk to make me feel so dizzy over him again.
18. I know that no matter what happens, he’ll probably be very important to me always.
19. Eating healthy is hard to do sometimes.
20. I don’t consider myself a feminist, but I am a strong, independent woman who fights for what I deserve. It’s a matter of self-respect.
21. I am learning to be more adventurous.
22. The only person I like to be emotionally dependent on is myself.
23. Being a mommy one day is going to be my biggest accomplishment in my life. I already know that.
24. But I am happy with what I have accomplished so far.
25. I like having a quiet confidence rather than having to flaunt myself to be noticed.
26. I consider myself to be one-of-a-kind. hehe.
27. One of my biggest weaknesses is not being able to tell someone when I am angry at them.
28. I say “Fuck” too much, but I’m working on quitting.
29. Most people want to lose weight. I want to gain at least 10 pounds.
30. I get bored easily, no matter what the situation. I need some excitement.

May 22, 2008

Spill on aisle 7.

I am sitting here in my room, completely bored out of my mind. Seriously, a few minutes ago I was looking around trying to find something, anything, to do. I’m not in the mood for reading, which is odd. I could be getting ahead for the summer classes, but we all know my love affair with procrastination. Browsing through Facebook is old. MySpace is always boring so I haven’t signed in there for oh, about three days either. I am even too dry to write, especially since everything that I have written lately is so bland. I need to wait for a creative spell to try anymore of that. So here I am, on my trusty ole blog.

With so much time to myself, I’ve been doing a lot of that thing I hate: thinking about schtuff (my new fav word). Nothing too important. Just about why I am so guarded all the time and why I can’t seem to be on the same page as any of the guys I date. One of us is always leaning toward a real relationship while the other is ready to run for the hills. And I was also thinking about love in general. How can I be so sure that I even know what it is? That I have really ever felt it and had it returned. Really. The strongest thing I have ever had with someone was with TM. That much I can say for certain. And sometimes I question whether we care(d) about each other or if we had become so dependant on each other and the safety net of our relationship that neither of us were willing to admit that maybe it wasn’t right. Because really, it wasn’t right. I know that now (and now that we have settled on ‘friends’ it’s easier to discuss this stuff with him). So if wasn’t a real love with him, then I definitely know it wasn’t with anyone else that I dated. Of course, I love Lindley, but that’s different. We’ve known each other for so long that we share a special friendship, but he and I don’t have a ‘real’ relationship that would qualify us as a couple, pretty sure we never will. Perfect example of the ‘not on the same page’ scenario with he and I. With him, I have realized that there is a difference between loving someone and wanting to be with someone.

*sigh*

This is what happens when I have too much time. I spend it asking myself the most contradicting, confusing, mind-fuck questions that I can’t answer. I feel like I’ll never figure myself out. My sister still thinks that eventually TM and I will stop being stubborn and get back together. She’s wrong. I’m not being stubborn. I’m being right; right about the situation and how I feel, and I feel that I don’t want him. I have that much accomplished, and my sanity is thanking me for it.

Where is this amazing adventure my horoscope must have lied about??

May 16, 2008

Throwing it away.


Maybe I just want him back to tell him that I don’t want him. I go from missing him to complete disgust when I picture his face. His smile still makes me feel good, but it isn’t the way it used to be.

Maybe I just want him to hug me so that I can push him away. I want him to want me as much as I used to want him.

Being friends is working, for now. I like having the friend back; the friend I really did miss laughing with. But I don’t know how long that will last. I don’t know how long it’ll be before something along the lines of a lost relationship comes up in conversation.

I’ve decided this is the last chance. If such a friendship doesn’t work, then to the trash it goes.

February 17, 2008

In repair.

I jinxed myself. I should have known that even mentioning TM would somehow mean that I’d be seeing him soon. It always happens that way.

He drove by today, and of course, I just happened to look out the window to see him glance at the house. His truck still has that same rumble that had been comfortable at one time. I could fall asleep to that rumble, just like the trains that I can hear running down the tracks at night.

Is it so bad to miss him after all the bullshit and hurt that we experienced at the end? Should I really want to be friends with him again? I know I shouldn’t, and most of the time I don’t. He isn’t what I want anymore, but sometimes I just think about how good things were before, how we used to laugh. And that’s when I miss him. Even though he did some seriously hurtful things, I cannot deny that he was once very important. He was more important than he’ll ever realized, and I wouldn’t dare admit that to him now.

Maybe they’re right when they say you never quite get over your first love. And yes, two blocks is too close.

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