Posts tagged ‘wreck’

January 31, 2011

I can remember
just like I never forgot

like it was just yesterday
and I’ve only had one
chance to sleep it away

like it is so real
that it never even happened

to me
or any of us

and time doesn’t fade
the memories,
just makes it apparent
that they are a little bit further
away than they were the day.

April 26, 2010

another one.

Another anniversary. Another April 26th. Another year.

And I’m still here.

I’m not going to pretend today is going to be easy. It’s going to be really hard, as every April 26th has been for the past 7 years. It’s going to suck, and I’ll probably have to pretend not to feel some sadness.

There’s always looking forward to tomorrow though.

November 5, 2008

Pushing ahead.

They say that when it rains, it pours. Well, if that’s the case, Kansas is a swampland, and I am drowning. Just when you think things can’t possibly get any worse, they do. Let’s recap the madness as of late:

Aunt Nancy has cancer. Not just any cancer, but a hormonal cancer that has spread itself through her entire body (lung, liver, ovaries, breast, stomach) and is slowly taking her energy away. She went yesterday for some test to try to determine where it started, and hopefully we’ll know something by tonight. I just can’t believe it. I am trying to have every fiber of me hoping that things go fine and somehow she can beat it, but there is a part of me that is preparing myself for a death and the grieving of my mother.

I wrecked the van. Yea, I know. An old guy cut me off, and I had nowhere to go except into the back of him. It’s so frustrating because I hate staying at home and feeling dependent on someone else to get where I need to go. I’m just waiting on the insurance company to know what my next move will be.

Grandma fell and broke her hip. We just saw her on Sunday, and the next day she was laid up in the hospital. Everyone has been here with her since her surgery yesterday, which is comforting. I just hope she can bounce back quickly and steadily.

On the good side, Obama was elected. I just knew he would, but like everything else, I held that bit of pessimistic self preparing myself for 4 years of McCain. I admit to not being a wholly political person, but this election has brought so many feelings and interests up that I didn’t even know I had. I actually argued with people over why he was worthy of the highest office in the land. And I cried when he was giving his acceptance speech. We are ready for something different, and I am just hoping he truly is the one who is going to bring that about.

October 6, 2008

never ending.

If there is something that I cannot stand to see, it’s my friends being in pain.  It makes me feel awful to see them cry or needing to scream, or both.  It makes me feel bad too, because I am awful at knowing how to console them.  The words that I say never seem to be the right ones and no matter how tight I hug them, I always want to hug tighter.

Robyn’s dad was killed this weekend in a car accident (her mom was also injured), and as much as I dreaded going to the hospital when I got that call, I knew I had to. I knew she was going to need that support. While we were there with her, only 2 hours after the accident had happened, I felt a sadness that I have never felt before. For the first time, I saw exactly what scares me most about losing people close to me: a complete helplessness of not knowing what to do. All she could do was cry and try to distract herself by making sure that her mom was going to be fine (which it turns out that she will). Robyn is one of the absolute toughest people that I know, and I just hate that she has to go through this. I want to wrap her up in some special blanket that will shield her from the pain and grief that she and her mom are feeling right now. I want to fast forward five years to a time when things will seem easier. I wish I could just protect her from it.

Life isn’t fair sometimes. She just finds a great guy, who is probably the best match for her ever, and then this happens. Is there a balance that I’m not aware of? Taking someone away because someone else has appeared? A negative for every positive? Canceling things out to remain at neutral? Some would say that that is what nature would want (random balance), but it’s just not fair.

It’s only the beginning of the road for her in the process of grief, and all I can do is be there for her when she needs me. Let’s just hope that some of the words I have can ease something in her.

April 26, 2008


Most people don’t remember what the significance of April 26 is, unless it comes up somehow and I explain it. For those that do remember (and understand), it always makes me feel better. So there might not be a more perfect day to get flowers. For me, anyway.

This year, the fifth, has been the easiest of them all. TM (with whom I have reestablished a friendship) sent me flowers, and it was completely unexpected and greatly appreciated.


And the note.

He did good this time.

I was thinking about Hilary, Dade, Emily, and Troy last night. It’s been so long since I have had any contact with any of them, and I probably should make that more of a prioroity for the next year. They are good people, and I still appreciate their effort to contact me after the wreck. Who would have guessed that people on opposite ends of a wreck could become friends?

February 20, 2008

I’m not an inspiration.

Really, I’m not. But in the past 5 days, 3 different people have said that I am.

I just do what I do to be happy. Wheelchair or not, I am a happy person, and I wouldn’t want to be any other way.

I try to help out when I can. I know that different situations require different attentions and sympathies, but in a lot of cases, people just need someone to talk to, to encourage them and reassure them that life goes on. Never have I gone into a situation thinking “Oh, I’m going to make a difference in this person’s life.” In fact, if I did, I should feel guilty because doing something for someone, only to get personal satisfaction is very selfish.

Today I met with Gunner Kelley and Joe Becerra, whose 17-year-old daughter Samantha was recently in an awful car wreck. Judging from what I have heard of her injuries, this girl shouldn’t be alive, but yet, today is the day she comes home. I remember seeing the wreck on the news a few weeks ago and thinking that it sounded so much like my own wreck. Eerily similar.

I think her dad needed to hear (and see) that it is possible to make it through a catastrophic injury and still lead a normal, healthy, fulfilling life. A few times I saw tears. In a way, I am happy that her dad wanted to meet me. In another way, I don’t want to be the one that people look to be their example. I don’t want that pressure, but I am also happy to help any way I can. It’s another of those back-and-forth situations for me to be in.

I just hope the best for this little girl (weird to say that, but really she seems so young to me). She has a long hard road ahead, and probably a lot of physical pain that could send her into deep setbacks. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen though.

January 22, 2008

If you try, I’ll try.

Nobody gets it.

Wait, I’m not trying to be one of those people who constantly think everyone misunderstands them and does so to make their life miserable. Most of the time I can count people to understand me, and usually if they don’t, they at least try.

But nobody gets this.

Lindley is really the only one I have talked to and opened up about it, but even with him, I can’t put my feelings into words. I can’t explain how I can be happy, sad, angry, and completely relieved all at the same time about Carmen. How can I hate her and love her and miss her and not want to see her face all in the same moment?

For so long I held such a strong, sharp resentment toward her and the friendship we had, and all it took was her to hug me and say she was sorry–and truly mean it–for it to just disappear. I haven’t felt so unburdened in a very long time when I think of her. The bitterness is gone, and I never expected for it to happen so quickly.

Whether anyone realizes it or not, ending our friendship wasn’t just a casual thing. It was literally like she had died, fell off the face of the earth. I grieved our friendship the way someone would grieve someone who had died. That made me very weak when it came to the subject. Maybe the relief of knowing she cared was what made it so easy to forgive her.

Carmen and I experienced the wreck together. Only the people that were there know what we went through. It’s easy for others to look at the situation and give their opinions, but they have no idea what it was like. They didn’t see the lights. They didn’t hear their best friend crying and screaming 100 feet away, not knowing how badly she was hurt and not being able to do anything about it. If there was one thing I wish I didn’t remember about that entire night, that would be it.

Some people think she is a horrible person for what happened. I’m not going to disagree that the way things went after the fact was very wrong and selfish, but it’s not like she intentionally meant to hurt me. It annoys me when she is accused of purposely doing something stupid. An accident is an accident, and by that definition, I am just as guilty as she is about what happened.

I never thought I would be sticking up for her or the way she acted afterward, which still confuses me a bit, but I know by the way she cried and apologized that she felt extremely guilty. I always anticipated feeling a huge ‘victory’ when I finally saw her cry about it, but in reality, seeing her that way made me feel awful and it made me realize just why we were friends. We are more alike than most people think. She felt guilty; she avoided me as long as she could to avoid talking and dealing with it. I do the same thing, though maybe it’s not as obvious when I do because the situations aren‘t the same.

I am glad that we might finally be on a road that leads to both of us being okay. I’ve said it before, and still I’ll say that I don’t think we’ll be best friends again. Too much time has passed for that, and we are at very different points in our lives than we were 5 years ago. But if we are okay with each other, life will be much easier.

She was my very best friend, my sister, at one point in my life, and no matter what happens, that fact will never change.