Waiting.

At a forum where I frequent, although it is less and less these days, a friend started a thread about sad songs. And even though the video here doesn’t particularly make me cry, it resonates with me tonight. Every single line fits me somehow. Plus I love City & Colour too much. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a song of his that I didn’t like.

If I could…

I would not be a writer with a little bit of art experience.
I think I would be an artist with a little bit of writing experience.

Why is it that we always want what we don’t have, and don’t appreciate the things we’ve been blessed with?

afternoon note.

Some days, I need a hug.
Some days, I need more hours than the day can possibly give me.
Some days, I don’t need anything at all.
Yesterday, I obviously needed a breather.

But today, all I needed was to know you were thinking of me.
Thank you.
It was perfect.

Cleansing.

Has there ever been a time in your life when you look around and think ‘How did I get here?  What brought me to this?  What am I doing?’  Today, I had one of those moments.  It usually happens when a trip is close and I am feeling anxious to get somewhere clean of any stress and drama.  I took some time for myself, which was needed, and just sat there, and thought about things.  I know that all the changes that have been happening lately really are better for me and the way I want to live my life in the future.  

One of the big changes:  re-evaluating who my friends are.  I know everyone has heard that “you find out who your friends are when times get tough.”  Well, I’ve already been through that once in my life and weeded out the bad seeds then.  Actually, they weeded themselves out by just disappearing.  That was tough, and it took me a long time to overcome the hurt that I felt.  This time, it’s different.  I’m not going through some life-altering injury or crisis;  I just need to figure myself out.  And I only want people around me who are going to be productive, positive people in my life.  Some of the people who have been friends with me for years are some of the ones that I just don’t understand anymore.  It seems that the friends I have made in the past year or so are the ones I am closest to now.  And I think that they now who they are. 

And what do I have in common with these old people anymore anyway?  Nothing, really.  I am not like them anymore.  We all have different goals and aspirations.  A few of them are content with being less than what they could be.  Can they not see the potential they have?  Or are they just too scared to go after it?  I don’t understand either way.  Maybe I am the one who has the problem.  Maybe I’m too ambitious.

I’m just frustrated with this place, these people, the continuously repetitive schedule all the time.  I don’t want it anymore.  I don’t want this place, and I don’t want these people.  I want new ones and new experiences and a new life.  I am counting down the days until I can make a clean break from here and be free to do whatever I want and be wherever I want to be.  Only 11 months until graduation.  I’m going to actively start looking for jobs in Denver soon, and I am hightailing it as soon as I can.  My family and close friends are the only things holding me here.  If for any strange reason I were to stick around, it would be for them.  I won’t be homesick.  I’ll be family-sick.  

I realize that this entire post reeks of conceit and pretentiousness, but I can’t help that right now, this is the way I feel.  Censoring myself isn’t what is going to me feel any better about the situation so I won’t. Some might be offended, but the true friends who read this will know who I am addressing.  

rawr.

I am stupid.

I knew I should have transferred the pictures I had taken of the girls to my flashdrive, but I didn’t. And now, if I could, I’d kick my own ass for it.

Why?

Because my other p.o.s. external drive crashed. And they’re gone. Except for the few that I had uploaded to get printed, all the beautiful ones I had taken of Serenity and Makinna are toasted and floating along who-knows-where. My favs are these two.

Serenity

Makinna

I guess this gives me another excuse to just get them dressed up really cute and take them outside to play, but man, I really liked the trampoline ones I had taken.

Almost there.

Only 3 more classes before I can fully relax for the rest of the summer. But thankfully, the only work that consists of these classes is working out. I can handle that. All my papers are done (EARLY!), and I a relieved about that.

It seems to have been a very long 5 weeks, and I am sure that the rest of summer vacation is going to feel like it is flying by me too fast. I can’t complain too much though, since I’ll only be reading, tanning, writing, working out, and generally doing other lazy things. I don’t think I could be looking forward to sleep any more than I have for the past 3 days.

Nothing has been particularly interesting around here. When life consists of class and papers, there isn’t much time for anything else.

I am ready for a Thursday night at Sharkey’s again with the friends.

whine.

I really, really, REALLY wish I could go shooting (pictures, duh) around town today, but I’ll be stuck in the library (again) writing.

Only 9 days to go!

And we leave in exactly 3 weeks for Colorado.  I can hardly contain myself!

Hem it up.

I’ve been making changes lately,
decisions that have altered
the way I look, the way I feel,
and the way everything around me looks and feels.
I’ve shied away from some of the people I had been surrounding myself with
and all the drama that came with them.
And I’m not worrying about what comes next,
even when the graduation I have wanted is less than a year away.
These changes are making me happy again,
these changes are getting things back to normal, and
these changes are what I have been waiting for.

I am smiling and looking forward to the future,
whether more changes occur or not.
Right now, they’re right.

On hold.

The creativity I had felt flourish up in me just a few weeks ago is thwarted again. By papers. For school. Again.

With only 2 and a half weeks left (yesterday was the hump and now we’re on the downhill stretch), I have 4 papers and a wellness due (plus a few quizzes) before June 26. My self-control is going to have to kick in, and the procrastination is going to have to take a back seat until I get this all done. So if my blog looks slightly bare, boring, and lonely, don’t worry. I’ll be back again, full-force and ready to write, on June 27.

Opening up.

Loving another person completely with no reservations,
hesitations, or doubts is no insignificant act.  
Allowing a person to have more control
over the way your heart beats than even yourself
is no easy task when all you want to do is run
in the opposite direction.
Taking the first step at trying
is the only way to hold onto
what you’re most scared of losing.

Buddies.

I’m not sure that anything could have been cuter today. I can’t wait until they get older. Caleb is going to be the big protective cousin. I can already see it.

Parallels of the Carrie’s.

While out for lunch today with friends, we were talking about the new Sex and the City movie, which none of us have yet to see but all want to.  In this discussion, one of them (a male who watches SATC!) compared to the Carrie Bradshaw.

Okay, besides the name thing, it’s a total coincidence that she’s a writer with blonde curly hair who dates all the wrong men.  Otherwise, you’d think that Candace Bushnell was writing about me when she wrote her book.  I guess I never realized that I had anything major in common with the character until today even though I have loved the show for a while now.

It got me to thinking though.  

We all know that Carrie goes back to Big in the last episode of the series, and obviously from the previews of the movie, they’re planning on getting married.  I’ve always gunned for them to be together, in a serious monogamous relationship, because I think they quite compliment each other.  But they always had obstacles in their way. Wives, ex-wives, boyfriends, their own stubbornness, fear of being hurt, etc. It was always something.  

And now I know.  TM is my Big.  He’s the one who is always the guy who I come back to.  Always the one that I forgive.  Always the one that knows me better than anyone.  Always the one who can make me smile even though he was the reason I cried too many times.  Always the one who I will love forever and ever (and EVER!). And the one relationship that should be the easiest, but still, it has the most obstacles too.  

It’s ridiculous how twisted my heart is around him.  Sure, right now we are just friends (as anyone who reads this regularly knows).  But who am I kidding?  Can I just be friends with him?  Strictly friends, without any other feelings coming into play.  No. I can’t. There’s always something stronger there for him, even if it isn’t acted upon.  He’s the constant that I have.  No matter who I date or care about, he’s the one who is always constantly holding a piece of me.  I’ve tried harder than anything to make that go away, but what a waste of time that was.  So, no, we aren’t just friends.  But we aren’t in a relationship either.

Right now, I’m not expecting anything to happen.  I’ve learned that expectations and getting my hopes up only puts a strain on things.  Relationships don’t work with strains.  

A few friends (who I might add don’t have the best relationship records themselves) think that I am stupid for even talking to him again after all that happened.  Maybe they are right, but I don’t care.  It’s not their life, or their heart, and I have never run to them when things have gone wrong anyway.   I deal with things by myself usually when it comes to him, except for what Kristi gives me advice on.  

Either way, things with him are on the right track.  No arguing or bitterness makes everyone happy.  

Making me want it.

One of the websites/blogs that I recently ran across was the wonderful Shutter Sisters. These women are strong, professional, and extremely creative photographers. And they are supportive of each other. Some of the photos on there (updated daily) take my breathe away. I’ve seen some beautiful portraits and others that just make me go “Aww!”

Everytime that I visit their site, I just feel like calling a friend and going out shooting all day. I usually like to do my creative time on my own, but I know that sometimes a day with a friend would make things more fun and maybe even more creative. After all, they say two heads are better than one.

Through the SS site, I’ve also run across many, many more websites of women who give me the umph I need to get my creative juices flowing. I love it. Since I’ve gotten my new camera, I haven’t had an incredible amount of time to get to play much, but today I am making a conscious effort to shoot something everyday, even if nobody else gets to see what them.

Night lights.

I sat outside tonight and waited to see the lightning bugs, but it must be the rain coming that has kept them away. Summer is here. Summer storms are in the sky. The air is thick with humidity, but summer isn’t summer without lightning bugs.

He and I.

We met so very long ago.

I was not sold at first.
He turned out to be more than I expected though.

I expected some hesitation.
He saved me from holding my breath.

I expected it to take longer to fall.
He gave me no time for questions.

I assumed the flaws were obvious.
He only called me beautiful.

I melted under his fingertips.
He never went too far.

I wanted it to go there.
He let me lead.

I spilled the worst of me, deep and dark.
He delicately kissed tears away.

I never really deserved his heart.
He gave it to me anyway.

I believe in who he is.
He will be in the stars someday.

I love him with every ounce of my being.
He keeps it safe in his heart.

We’re wasting all kinds of time.

30 things.

1. “Stiffen that uppa lip up, little lady.” (I tell myself that when I am feeling a cry coming on. And it sometimes even works.)
2. I have been really disappointed in a lot of my friends lately. It’s making me see them differently.
3. I don’t have room for anything anymore. My bedroom is a wreck.
4. I hate goodbyes.
5. I love the NHRA drag races. It’s about as redneck as I get.
6. I secretly think Cory Mac (the racer) is pretty cute.
7. I like being alone most of the time. I can deal with myself just fine.
8. And single isn’t bad, but sometimes I miss having someone who is always on my team.
9. There are 2 guys in this world that I have claimed for myself. Yet neither one of them are actually mine.
10. And they’ve both told me they love me. And again, neither one are mine.
11. I have only given up on one of them.
12. I find inspiration through so many avenues I couldn’t begin to list them all.
13. I cannot forget the feeling of running, even though I lost the feeling of my legs.
14. Sometimes when I drink I get really emotional. I don’t know where it comes from.
15. That’s why I quit drinking. I can’t handle the unexpected crying and feelings.
16. There are times when disappearing and never coming back looks like the best solution.
17. All TM (guy #1 of the above 2 guys) has to do is smirk to make me feel so dizzy over him again.
18. I know that no matter what happens, he’ll probably be very important to me always.
19. Eating healthy is hard to do sometimes.
20. I don’t consider myself a feminist, but I am a strong, independent woman who fights for what I deserve. It’s a matter of self-respect.
21. I am learning to be more adventurous.
22. The only person I like to be emotionally dependent on is myself.
23. Being a mommy one day is going to be my biggest accomplishment in my life. I already know that.
24. But I am happy with what I have accomplished so far.
25. I like having a quiet confidence rather than having to flaunt myself to be noticed.
26. I consider myself to be one-of-a-kind. hehe.
27. One of my biggest weaknesses is not being able to tell someone when I am angry at them.
28. I say “Fuck” too much, but I’m working on quitting.
29. Most people want to lose weight. I want to gain at least 10 pounds.
30. I get bored easily, no matter what the situation. I need some excitement.