Cupcakes.

They better not get used to this at work. I am so not good at baking and cooking.

oh, goodbye October.

I loved quiet trips to Barnes and Noble.
I loved looking for new vans.
I loved BUYING a new van.
I loved hanging out with the co-workers. I inherited a whole new set of friends with this job.
I loved actually getting along with the ex. Weird.
I loved getting packages in the mail.
I loved fire red fingernails.
I loved seeing Ty do his thing at PBR.
I loved the changing leaves.
I loved having a few Etsy sales.
I loved caramel popcorn and apple cider.
I loved the cute texts.
I loved Taco Del Sol for lunch. So good!
I loved getting back to taking more pictures.
I loved sleeping in on weekends.
I loved starting The Girl Who Played with Fire over again. I’m gonna finish it this time.
I loved laughing at myself.
I loved recognizing that something is missing. Maybe now I can find it.
I loved hoodie weather.

breathe in, and hold it.

Sometimes things just don’t make much sense.

I have a great job with great people, great friends outside of work (seriously, they’re the best I could ever ask for), a semi-crazy but still supportive family. And a guy who cares about me (but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here–love is scary).

I am an extremely lucky person who should feel complete, right? For some reason, there feels like something is missing. I can’t put my finger on it, but that empty spot is there. It’s sort of lonely somewhere inside. I can feel that much.

Maybe I’ve been too busy to sort out everything that is going on. Frankly, life three months ago was completely different for me than it is right now. Let me just be honest–I was totally lost. I had half the confidence I feel now, half the drive, half the ambition. I was down on myself. When I got a job, it changed pretty quickly. I have changed and grown so much in such a short time that maybe I just don’t recognize what I thought this life would be. I love it, don’t get me wrong. It’s fun and fulfilling, and it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something, even if it isn’t what I planned for or dreamed of.

It’s all great, but I think I need to slow down for just a minute and figure out what I was looking for in the first place.

yes!

Is this not gorgeous? Found at weheartit.

This is basically what my life has turned into right now. A quick mess where I throw myself together every morning and then fall exhausted into bed every night, in between piling mail and stuff everywhere on my desk. It’s okay for now though. It’s quite okay.

yippee.

Congratulations to D-Rock and KB on their marriage this weekend. I don’t think I have ever in my life met two people who are meant for each other as much as these two are. True love at its finest, for sure!

the girl who.

I hold my own heart
when I cry and figure out
my own problems.

I don’t tell too much
to too many people.

You might say my pride
holds me back, but really
it holds me
together.

I’ve always had to be
the tough one–
but now it’s just
who I am.

Tough.
So tough,
I’m practically broken.

I am myself.
I don’t need
nobody’s help.

oh, sweeeeet.

My admirer (or whatever) brought me delicious cherry pie!

Now, if it had been someone other than a 45-year-old married man who creeps me out by standing too close when he talks to me, I would have been more excited.

forever and a day.

even when
I don’t think I can anymore,
when it’s all so heavy
(and heavy isn’t easy)

I am always holding on

onto something,
someone
somewhere

whether they know it or not
whether they feel it or not

I am
always always
holding on

even if it’s a little bit.

there’s always strength enough
to do that.

the week ahead.

Since I started working, I haven’t had as much free time to do, well, much of anything. So hopefully within the next week, I can fit these things in.

+ Starting a new crochet project. Probably a scarf.
+ Derek and Katie’s WEDDING!
+ Getting the new van into the shop to get my EZ Lock/hand controls installed.
+ Reading after work. I miss my books.
+ Grey’s Anatomy.
+ Work. I’m tired just thinking about it.

ticking of time.

Thought a lot about Zack today, especially after I took this picture. It was about this time last year when I talked to him outside under that golden tree, and he laughed because he had scared me. Less than two months later he died. I hope he has as great of flares up there as I do here.

little lady shoes.

Tiny pink Chucks are the cutest, even hanging on the line after a good cleaning.

bang boom

let’s take the future
one day at a time.

today is what we have
you and i.

when we make it through today
we can worry about tomorrow.

breathe and live
and let yourself be you

let me be me

because together
we are a dangerous combination.

the best I can do for now.

Pretty.

my mom, ftw again

I have been looking for old pictures for ages. Like, old old vintage pictures to incorporate into some of the scrapbooking/mini-booking I do. I didn’t really want them to be of people I knew or was related to. I wanted random ones mostly so I could deface them as art. My mom came through again, no surprise. She found these at a garage sale, and they are pretty perfect. I almost don’t want to use any of them because they are just that cool. I mean, there are a few of them that are of Civil War soldiers (those are going in a keepsake box or something, no using those). Seriously, they’re THAT OLD!

I’m sure they’ll keep me busy for a while. I’ll either be flipping through them, looking at all the cool things about them or gluing/pasting/painting/cutting them somehow.

I love you’s.

My Etsy was included in its first ever Treasury. Cute, eh?

the search is over.

And a new van will be mine next week. After a stroke of luck (extremely good luck), I found one in town, and for a super cheap price for what the van is actually worth. I swear, you’d think this thing is brand new. Only 13,000 miles and smells super clean and new. I went and talked to the man who owns it. His wife died around a year ago, and he no longer needs such an adapted van. Apparently I make an impression or something because he is selling is to me for what a dealership considers wholesale price.

Some people as young as me who are handicapped don’t want to drive a van, but frankly I don’t care either way. It’s easy to get in and go, do what I want by myself, get wherever I want to go. Who cares if i look like a soccer mom? I sure don’t.

I’ll get pics of it as soon as I can. We’ll probably pick it up Monday or Tuesday, and then I have to get tags, insurance, and all that crap. Then I have to get an EZ Lock installed so I can drive it.

So excited! Check another goal off the list.

nameplate.

They love me. Obviously.

halfway done.

I posted that I was getting ready early this year, so I worked a little bit more on my Christmas cards over the weekend. Now, when I get my silver washi tape in the mail to put on them, they’ll be done! Early is better than rushing around at the last minute I suppose. I would be happy to skip Halloween and get right to Thanksgiving so we can start getting all red-and-greened out!

it’s 3 o’clock in the morning,

I want to kiss the rain
and taste the sky.
I want to lie next to you at midnight
and watch the night
spin itself on its side.
I want to speed up the fast
and stretch out the slow
and make it all mean more
than I could ever imagine.

How good your heart
beats against mine.

There is nothing worth holding onto
more than you.

on down the road.

One of my goals for 25 was to buy a new van, and the process has started. Beside the fact that my van now is on its last leg (that trip to Colorado was its last for sure), I have income now and am much more confident about payments. I mean, I could have done it before, but it’s easier to justify buying something so big when you have a decent amount of money coming in each week.

Handicap vans aren’t exactly cheap, and I am cautious about buying anything without seeing it. I am making sure that whatever van I find is within driving distance so I can see it, and probably drive it, before I commit to buying. The first van, my current one, was bought without seeing or driving it, but I didn’t really know what all I needed then either. I was as new to the SCI and handicap driving thing as our banker was, who was the one who actually found the van. We got lucky that it was pretty perfect for me. This time is different.

I don’t just want to jump into it without looking around and finding the best fit and price for me. That’s the part of my dad I definitely got. I have to research everything first. I found one that seemed to fit everything I want, but they had sold it the day before I called. Damn the luck!

a page at a time.

I could curl up and sleep in many bookstores. I could browse for hours and never get bored too. I love bookstores, the atmosphere and the quiet. Maybe that’s just the nerd in me, or just the calm side that needs some time to myself once in a while. Either way, I am not shy to say I love bookstores.

Maybe that’s why You’ve Got Mail is one of my favorite movies too. A movie about bookstores and technology and love? Seriously, it couldn’t be more perfect, right?

Lately, though, I haven’t been doing much reading. None, in fact. I have a bookmark stuck in The Girl Who Played with Fire, the second book of Stieg Larsson’s Millenium collection, but I just can’t seem to get into it. That bookmark has barely moved in at least a month because I read a few pages and then start thinking about what else I should be doing. Reading has definitely taken a backseat to working. I bought House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski today, hoping that maybe I can find that spark for reading again. I’ll come back to The Girl Who Played with Fire later, when I have more time and motivation to finish it.

Let’s hope that is soon.

fighting sleep.

It’s this kind of night. I’m too tired to go out, too lazy to get pretty, but still too awake to sleep as hard and long as I want to. Tea and writing. It’s just that kind of night.

The weekend is going to be relaxing. Sleep, sunshine, photo shoots, and football. Maybe an afternoon at Barnes & Noble. I need some quiet and a new Moleskine before next week starts. I’ll be on my own doing quality work. No more training. Mandy will be there, but she’ll be in the next office doing Brent’s job since he’ll be on vacation. I’m excited to prove I know what I’m doing.