i love being aunt carrie.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with this little guy. Since Lindsay and Todd are moving next door (in the house that Ashley and Mark moved out of a few weeks ago), they’ve needed a babysitter for little mister Dayton. He’s probably the happiest baby we’ve ever had in this family and can make anybody laugh. His personality is almost as big as he is. Today he’ll be with me all day so they can finish moving. It’s going to be different having him next door instead of Tink, Makinna, and Raelyn, but we’ll just have to get used to it. Until I moved that is.

excitement will kill me.

I’m moving….in July. I know, it’s only February, and July seems like so far away still. Believe me, I know. My parents have been discussing moving for a while now, and since I’m pretty much the only one left at home (my brother comes and goes), I was a pretty big part of that discussion. This house (where they/we have lived for 33 years and raised all 5 of my siblings and I) is just too old and too hard to keep up with for either of them. We have a big yard that nobody wants to mow, and when fall comes, the dust from outside tracks in on our shoes and my wheels. Basically, it makes it harder for my dad to breathe, which he can’t do very well in clean air, let alone dusty air.

So I decided that if they were leaving, so was I. There is no way I could maintain this house by myself, even with the (sometimes) help of my brothers/sister. It just would be stupid for me to stay.

Yesterday my mom and I saw some townhomes that were recently built. I casually looked them up online, not expecting for them to be a consideration. It’s hard to find a place that you can rent that is as handicapped accessible as they should be for me. Doors are never wide enough, bathrooms are never big enough, cabinets are always too tall. But these are perfect. As perfect as a place can be for me. Even the closets have bars that are halfway to the floor, which of course I loved.

I wish I had pictures, but I’ll just give you the link instead. There are photos on the virtual tour here.

The realtor/contractor was amazingly nice, and even better, he understands what the most pressing issues are for me. The unit that we looked at was awesome and livable for me, but since they’re breaking ground on a new building with 4 brand new units, I decided that I’d give myself a few months to get ready for a big move. He even said that he would be calling me before they start to do construction on the inside to be sure that the cabinets/bathrooms are all to my liking. How awesome, right! It should be ready at the end of June or early July if the weather cooperates. Just in time for a 25th birthday barbeque, of course!

My parents loved it too. They are actually thinking of moving close into one of the other units. For most people, that would be a problem, but having my parents close to me is actually the best thing. I mean, if there was an emergency, they’d be right there (either way–with my dad’s health, I like to be close and my mom is always paranoid about me falling). Plus I have a great relationship with my parents and love them like crazy, so living close isn’t so bad. They aren’t nosey about what I do and respect that my life is my life. How do you think I managed to live at home with them until I was 24!?

Oh I’m so excited I could just scream. Onto the shopping now…for housey stuff.

always, sometimes, never.

I originally saw a version of this list on oh, hello friend‘s blog, and decided to post one of my own. What I didn’t expect was just how doing this simple list really put some things in perspective. There are many things that I should do more often and things that I probably should eliminate from my life. I plan on doing an updated version again in the future.

I always:

–am looking for the next best thing.
–will be a Mac lover.
–have Chapstick with me wherever I go.
–wish I could let go.
–listen to music when I am on the computer.
–save my change.
–could eat pizza. There’s never a time I would pass it up. Especially Gambino’s.

I sometimes:

–wish things were different.
–hope things never change.
–let my room get messy and out-of-control unorganized.
–have a hard time saying what I want to say.
–feel really super pretty, for no reason at all.
–overlook the important things.
–want to stay home on weekends, rather than go out.

I never:

–worry about what other people think of me.
–eat peas.
–get my expectations too high.
–want to lose anyone close to me.
–let someone easily know if they’ve hurt me.
–can seem to break the go-out-with-the-bad-boy cycle.
–say never.

pride and prejudice.

I have spent the better part of the past two weeks reading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Why did it take me so long to finish it? Because the way that Jane Austen writes makes me feel stupid, that’s why. I seem to reread entire paragraphs just to make sure that I am getting the storyline correctly. It’s really not a surprise to me that hardly anyone reads older literature. It’s takes patience, which normally I am not good at. But this was a love story, and love stories are worth rereading paragraphs.

Of course, I had to watch the movie when I was done. The new version (not the Colin Firth version, which is next on my list to buy). I bought the Kiera Knightley version last week at Vintage Stock because I knew it would be on my list of things to see and because even though I am dense to older English literature, the novel had me hooked.

Great movie. I am admittedly a romantic movie type of girl, probably because I lack so much romance in my own life. Sad, but seriously true. Mr. Darcy was played my Matthew Macfadyen, who I have to say might not catch my eye in real life, but when he says “You must allow me to tell you how I ardently admire and love you,” he caught me. Swooooon. I have memorized that line. It’s so…unreal. Maybe that’s the love cynic in me rolling my eyes, but the romantic part of me is hopeful that a man says something similar to me one of these days.

Oh my, I think I am love-starved or something.

singular.

there is a group of people
who only love once,
only have that glitter in their eye
for one other person,
the only other person
who makes their heartbeat
beat faster
their vision fog up and
their words stumble over each other
when even speaking of the
simplest things.

i am one of those
people.

my love sleeps light on the wind
and carries itself
from him to my heart
every night.

gone.

I miss you
the way I would miss an old friend
who had moved away
to another city, another state
another life,
a friend who had a different plan
a friend I can’t see but still feel.

I repeat all the things
I wish I would have said
like how handsome you were
how you always made me laugh the hardest
and how you looked good in red.
To give myself a little peace
I tell myself you wouldn’t
have cared that much anyway
about what I had to say
but, really, I think you would have.

I miss you
in a way I shouldn’t
with a palpable aching
showing on my face.
Time wasted could have been spent
so much better, with you.

I’ve missed you
on a regular basis
every single day
since you’ve been gone
and I’ll miss you
again tomorrow
and every single day after.
Life has become
a merry-go-round of emotions
spinning and spinning
round and round.

But it always comes right back to you.

be gone.

So far, it’s been a back-and-forth kind of week (and it’s only Wednesday!). It’s like the stress has been calming me down. Odd? Tell me about it.

Today I have nothing planned, except for diving into my Pride and Prejudice book and watching DVDs. I managed all of my shopping yesterday, which leaves the only errand left this week to run to the bank. Eh, I’ll do that tomorrow. My van is so loud since the snow was devilish and ripped the muffler loose. The van rides so low that even a small pile of snow can make it drag. I’ve been staying home as much as possible until I can it to Jim’s shop. There’s not much point in getting that done, though, until some sunshine assures me that we’ll be snowless for the rest of this winter.

Oh, snow, I hate you! I won’t miss you or the rumble of my muffler.

dinner date.

I watched you
looking for the bad news
to reveal itself
somehow with your face.

I was still,
trying to intimidate you
with my concentration,
but you’re good
too good
and finally I gave up.

I’ll smile today
and hope you tell me
tomorrow.

unexpected gift.

Okay, okay. Valentine’s Day is pretty good when you know someone is thinking about you. I found a box on the porch early in the morning, and inside was candy, a Jayhawk hoodie, and a sweet card. It was from Kelly, Jeremy’s friend from work. Sweet, huh?

He is always so thoughtful in his gifts like for my birthday, he got me a bunch of little stuff that is so me–shimmery chapstick, a Jayhawk keychain that sings the fight song, and a bottle of Dr. Pepper. He pays attention to stuff I like. Most people just overlook the stuff that is important, but not Kelly.

valentine’s day.

I’ve never been a fan of Valentine’s Day. It doesn’t bother me that other people are insanely in love and want to buy every red or pink or white heart at the store to show someone else that they are loved. I love love, so Valentine’s Day is okay. It’s just not my favorite.

I’ve had only one worth remembering, and I still have the card from the flowers I received that year. 2002. It has no name signed, just “Happy Valentine’s Day” scribbled in blue ink. Even with no name, many years after this, I will remember the guy that sent me those flowers because he is the only one I have ever continued to love. He never was good at telling me what he felt early in our relationship, and those roses and that card were the first sincere gesture to tell me he cared. It also was the very first time I saved a card from a guy even though it was so simple. I think he and I were like that with each other–simple, but somehow each testing the other quietly, all while being engulfed in them. I didn’t understand that until much later, when I quit hurting and could see things for what they were. Through fights and tears and struggles and even other loves, he is the one that I can still smile about. And he is the reason I still believe in my ability to love someone that deeply again.

every once in a while.

It was a good day to hang out by myself and do some shopping. I didn’t really buy anything spectacular, just a couple shirts, a movie (Sideways), and some books. I probably didn’t need to go clear to Kansas City to get any of the things I got (except for the amazing Taco Bueno that a friend from KC and I had for lunch), but after yesterday, a day out of this town was much needed (if you read yesterday’s blog, you’ll understand).

Sometimes I feel so couped up and stuck that I get frustrated and stir-crazy and impatient. It kind of blows up if I am sparked. Yesterday, I was sparked, and it turned into a huge flaming fire. It’s been stressful lately, with Dad’s heart stuff going on, job searching (and not searching), friends who I seldom see, guys (who prove time and again to be untrustworthy), and the start of looking for a place to move. I didn’t need anything else to worry about, but of course, there’s always that last something to send me over the edge.

I’m happy to say I’m better today. I’ve had time to think and calm down. Two days in a row of the kind of anger I had yesterday would have been dangerous for everyone. No joke.

vague, I know.

For a person to change, they have to want to change. Nobody can make them or do it for them. They have to want it and try. Fuck, just show some kind of effort to be a law-abiding go-to-work-everyday contributing member of society.

Tomorrow, I’m making a trip to KC to go shopping. Retail therapy at its best. I shouldn’t really be spending much money, but I need to get out of here to save my own sanity (or whatever sliver of sanity I seem to have salvaged lately).

I am sick of feeling like I am the one who is wrong. I am sick of feeling like I have to hush, hush the shit that goes on and act like it doesn’t happen. I am sick of being here around it.

Sometimes if you can’t change a person (after trying and trying and waiting and wishing and trying again), it’s you who changes. After today, I am done. Done worrying and done caring.

Thoughts (and pictures).

–Derek and Katie finally had the baby. A precious, beautiful baby girl Kinley Belle. She is destined to be a football-loving girl. She did wait until 2 minutes after midnight on Super Bowl Sunday to be born. I held her today, and she is so tiny and so pretty. Some newborns are just ugly, but not this one. I wish now I had a picture to show you. Soon, soon.

–Dad still hasn’t had any kind of surgeries or procedures done to get to that aneurysm. I’m not sure what is taking so long or which doctor we are waiting on to decide what to do, but it is making me anxious. I mean, come on, it’s his heart. Kiiiinda serious if you ask me. Til we know, I’m just still trying to stay upbeat about things. There’s not much else that I can really do.

–Snow, snow, snow. I’m sick of you and your whiteness. Go away. I hate you.

–And since that is about the only thing that has happened lately, I’ll just leave you with some pictures from the past week or so. I’ve been taking my camera everywhere. Just in case. I never know when I might need it.

oooh, please.

I wish the weather right now was more like this:

instead of this:

Happy birthday, Darcy.

Sometimes I forget to tell you
the little things that you might need to hear,
the ones I’m not very good at saying,
like I don’t really mind being compared to you,
or how I always know my secrets
are safe with you.

Thank you for rescuing me
when I’m crying too hard to breathe,
believing in me and my dreams,
even when no one else will,
and laughing when my crazy comes out.

You always encourage me
to go for what I want,
and just want me to be happy.

Even in our occasional fights,
we always emerge stronger
and better friends than before.

I’ve only been lucky enough
to have one sister,
and I am glad she is you.

happy birthday! I love you.

top five tuesday + dad’s hospitalization.

Top Five Tuesday. I’m bored with it already. Isn’t that sad? I’ve only done it for two weeks and it interests me no more. Maybe I’ll find some umph to pick it up again next week, but for this week, I’m going to pass.

Dad has been in the hospital since yesterday. He was scheduled for a heart cath to look at the stints that he had put in in July, which has already getting blocked again. The doctor cleared it up again, but they are now looking into whether he can handle open-heart surgery to repair an aneurysm that they found. We’ll see what the CT this morning says before we have to make any definite plans, but I think we have all agreed that surgery would be the best idea.

So, in keeping to my theory that positivity is the best way to ensure a good outcome, we are keeping our fingers crossed that he can have the surgery even with his damaged lungs, that he will deal with whatever pain comes with it and that he will be fine. He will be fine.

Because we need him to be.

I can’t guarantee any more posts this week (the stress and exhaustion are slightly overwhelming right now), but I’ll try.

UPDATE: The aneurysm may be smaller than they first thought, so they *might* be able to go through his vein to repair it. Here’s hoping!

woops.

the night didn’t go as i had planned
and the alcohol wasn’t
being much of a friend

the selfishness that you saw
in my highlighted eyes
was real

but i didn’t mean to
be that mean to
you

i was just looking for some fun.