sigh.

We survived the audit. Survived and did better than expected (in my mind anyway). This past year was full of changes and additions to my job. I took on tracking energy consumption. When the Safety Manager was fired, I took over a good chunk of safety tracking, and it all slowed me down on quality issues. So I was nervous that I might have missed something really important along the way.

But he didn’t find it, if I did.

I can breathe again. (And get cracking on this wedding.)

So this weekend is about taking it easy and hanging with my boy, who I must say is very supportive when he knows I am stressed. Another reason to love him to bits.

sneak peeks.

Projects coming up.

There has been a lot of paint and beads and quiet around here.

I thrive in the quiet places where my thoughts can be thoughts and turn to creativity, not just jumbles of words or bits of music or screaming neighbors. It is good to have that part of myself. Whatever that thing is that might be bothering me, the quiet is where I sort it out; it’s where I fix things. Ideas take shape and smiles happens. It’s where plans and lists are made.

With things so crazy busy & ridiculous, I needed something a little bit crazy busy creative.

just a minute, now.

I found some time. Down time for myself before bed and decided to start a quick book I had downloaded on my Kindle.

Mistake. I was awake until almost 2 in the morning reading. It wasn’t a particularly good book, nothing I couldn’t have waited for, but I laid there and read until I heard the clock only ring twice on the hour. I could easily have kept going, but I knew it would be a long day running on only 4 hours of sleep. Barely enough to function.

I realized I do this a lot when I am stressed out about something, anything really. I read. And read some more. I suppose it gets me away from my own thoughts and complaints for a while and lets me get a few hours of relief. I love that feeling of not worrying about anything else.

So yes, it was a tired day. By lunch I was starving (I don’t eat much when I’m stressed either) and exhausted, but I managed to get a lot of work done too. I have weird energy on days of little sleep sometimes. I was physically tired but mentally ready.to.go. I don’t know how that works.

Now I’ve started Shanghai Girls by Lisa See, one of the books on my list and am looking forward to it. I always imagine the most beautiful people in her books. Love that. And did you know Snow Flower and the Secret Fan is being adapted to the big screen?! Yes!

sunshine and daffodils.

Isn’t a nice day the best thing in the world?

Sometimes it’s just as simple as a beautiful day and a beautiful picture (those daffodils are from last year–I’m waiting on this year’s) to make the day seem not as stressful (or maybe just a little bit less awful).

washed out.

You know what good self-portraits are? They make me realize that I really need to get more sleep because, goddamn, I really look tired. Between Dad’s hospital stay overnight (yes, AGAIN!) and stressing about the job interview that I had, I haven’t been as relaxed as I promised I would be in May. Thankfully, Dad came home today, and I should know about the job by 5 p.m. tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

absent.

I’m still here. Exhausted and stressed and worried about things, but here nonetheless.

I won’t go all into it (because there are just some things that aren’t entirely mine to tell to the world), but I’ll just say that I have been going from angry to sad to worried to sick-to-my-stomach with paranoia to scared for about the past 2 weeks about my brother. It’s a worrisome thing when someone who you love feels no self-worth and doesn’t really care about the things he should care about.

I’m hoping that this gets better soon. The stress had mangled our family at first, and everyone was lashing out at each other. But I think where there was tension at first is now a collective understanding among everyone that he isn’t going to get better without help and time.

More sunny days are on their way, and I hope it somehow cheers everyone up a little bit.

dad update.

Well my dad is finally home from the hospital. After 4 days of observation, he came home with a list of to-do’s and not-to-do’s. I hate it when he is gone, mostly because everything seems so much quieter and empty. The house is never in order, and nobody is on any kind of schedule because we take visiting shifts so he isn’t alone in the hospital. It’s an exhausting situation for all of us. No sleep, extraordinary stress, and trying to keep all the out-of-town relatives up to date is hard on me. And honestly, it shows on all of us. Dad was the one hospitalized, and he looks better than the rest of us!

The Denver trip was, of course, cancelled. Mom and I decided immediately that being 550 miles from home any time soon is simply out of the question. We would have been too distracted the entire time with our worries about him back here at home to get anything constructive done. My reevaluation can always be reschedule for some time in the spring.

For now, things are looking okay. I just hope they continue that way.

shimmer

Self-portrait, October 19, 2008

I need some inspiration,
some strength to pull me through,
and maybe just a hug. I need to feel something new.

I’m coming prepared this time.

Countdown to classes: 6 days.

I went earlier to the library and brought home 5 different books on stress management and finding inner peace, even when things in life are going absolutely haywire. I have a serious problem with stress, as anyone who has dealt with me during busy and overwhelming times can attest to.

Last semester, I literally felt like I was going to lose my mind. So much piled up on me and many different things were nearing deadlines at the same time, and that stress combined itself with the anxiety and complete fear I have of being less than mediocre. Needless to say, I was a mess by the beginning of May. And when I am a mess, I am not a fun person to be around.

It makes me angry. At myself for being a procrastinator (which is another area I’m actively working on), at others for being rude and frustrating, even when they aren’t meaning to be, and at my entire life situation. I know that there is a snowball effect for negative thinking and stress, but still it’s hard for me to concentrate on anything because I am always thinking about what is coming next and what the next big obstacle or project is going to be. When the stress turns into full-blown anxiety, then I worry. About my own sanity.

This semester, with an extra class than normal and the responsibilities for Student Publications, has stricken a bit of fear in me. I know I can accomplish the tasks, but the stress of doing so might finally drive me to the breaking point.

And at 23, I am not supposed to be worried about a nervous breakdown.

Reading is one of the relaxing activities I do, to take my mind off of the small things that make up the whole, to put myself in someone else’s life for a little while. So reading about how to relax, well, I am hoping it gives me some insight on life and learning to manage time and stress and emotions, all at the same time.

mess.

That is what my life is right now.  Chaotic and stressful, even though things were supposed to be settling down after summer classes let out.

I have been trying to saturate my brain with everything that these SLR books have in them, and although I am learning (and re-learning everything that I have already been taught in the 2 photography classes previously), I wish it all just came naturally.  I mean, I have a lot of ideas about what I want my pictures to look like when I see something worth photographing, but it’s been a long time since I had any experience with a camera of this kind.  The more I do it, the better I’ll get though.  Hopefully.

I’ve also been trying to get everything planned for Colorado.  We’re not staying as long as we usually do, and there are more things I want to do than time we actually have to do them all.  Narrowing down the list is disappointing, but by the end of the week, I hope to have an itinerary to follow while we’re there.

And while we’re talking about messes, my room is a disaster.  If I had yellow tape, I would put it up around my door.  I just have too much stuff for the space I have.  I looked at a house on Sunday, but have decided against looking at it again.  It’s cute and close to my parents’ house, just in case.  But it’s small too.  I mean, if I am gonna make the effort of moving out and settling in somewhere, even if for a year or two, I want it to be big enough yet cozy enough to be ‘home.’  So I’ll just keep on waiting.  Living in a cluttered room.

Tomorrow, or later today depending on which time zone you’re in, I am going to continue reading the SLR books in the sun and generally being lazy for the afternoon.  I am looking forward to it.

Uneasy.

Last semester was hard on me; there’s no denying that.  I was under so much stress toward the end that I literally felt like I was falling apart.  Thankfully, this semester was much easier, even with a lot of work to do.  But any college student knows that the last 2 weeks before finals are usually the most stressful, fast-paced, and nerve-wracking of the entire semester.

I have been working like crazy, reading history lectures, textbooks, and bluebooks for papers, essays, identifications, and quizzes.  And that’s only for ONE class.  In between, I have to study for biology, psychology, and law finals.  I know that procrastination is a problem, but right now, I am consciously trying to keep myself on task and motivated to finish everything this week.  Or at least by Monday.  

I know that the stress has been getting to me again though.  I realized that something happens to me when I get stressed out.  I worry a lot.  It’s not a small worry; it’s like I am so paranoid about everything, right down to the most ridiculous things.  My mind creates these situations that could happen, and then I am so nervous and sick over them that I can’t get rid of that feeling until I absolutely know it couldn’t happen.  

For instance, on Sunday, we went to Sharkey’s for Aaron’s birthday.  Rick showed up with Josh, and we all had a good time.  When it was time to leave, Rick said he was going home because he had to go to work the next morning.  The problem:  Rick lives an hour away, on a dark, lonely highway that heads south to Emporia.  He had mentioned that he had seen like 10-12 deer on his way here.  Any other time, I wouldn’t have even thought twice about it, but the fact that it was in the middle of the night made it different.  I made him promise to call me when he was halfway home (to make sure he didn’t fall asleep).  I was a nervous wreck for 45 minutes until he called.  My stomach hurt and I just had all these different scenarios of what could happen if he hit a deer, went off the road, or fell asleep.  I didn’t feel better until I knew he was in his driveway and going into the house.  

There have been other instance also.  I won’t go into them, but worry like this isn’t normal.  It can’t be.  It’s a mixture of nervousness, worry, paranoia, anxiety, and tension.  I recognize that things like this only happen when I am feeling stressed and under pressure, but I don’t really know what to do about it.  

I think that it directly results from my wreck.  (I know, I know, talking about that again.)  But what else could it be from?  The wreck was completely unexpected and serious, and now I worry about similar things that could potentially happen to the people I care about.  It literally makes me feel sick.  

I haven’t talked about it (yet) to anyone.  I don’t really want to worry my parents with it; I’m not sure that they (or anyone) could understand it anyway.  I talked to my doctor last year about my stress, and he suggested making more time for myself, aside from anything that pertained to school.  I did that, and it definitely helped.  I felt less anxiety.  But the more the happens, the more I am inclined to think that I should talk to him again.  Feeling nervous all the time isn’t fun.  It sucks actually.

We’ll see what happens.  

To be continued…..

Studying hard or hardly studying.

As I am taking a break from reading the most boring shit in history about history, I’ll give this a quick update.

I haven’t had much to write about lately.  Well, actually, that’s a lie.  I have things to spew about, but I don’t have the time or the energy to sit here and type them out.  I spent much of the weekend out with friends, and needless to say, it wiped me out.  Papers, essays, and finals are upon me, and they have been occupying much of my mind.  In a way, I can’t complain.  It keeps me busy, and busy is good.  But busy also takes away precious time that I could be spending with my people.  I sit here studying and sometimes wonder where the time is going.  I mean, it’s nearly 11 p.m., and just 10 minutes ago it seems, I was sitting here watching Jason Castro completely murder a perfectly good Bob Dylan song.  That was almost 4 hours ago!

I can’t wait until next week, when finally I’ll have a chance to breathe.

Stream of thoughts at 2 a.m.

I hate it when I am lying in bed in the dark staring at the ceiling, and my mind just keeps running.  Late at night is usually when I seem to make the bigger decisions in my life.  I have the peace and quiet to actually absorb everything, instead of hearing the constant chaos that is my life.

I realized that lately everything has been so stressful and hectic that I am wearing myself down.  The last few days haven’t been too bad because I forced myself to take a break (literally, I did no homework for 3 days straight!) to breathe.  Before that though, I thought I might completely shut down or die of exhuastion, not exactly a good feeling.

But tonight, I just told myself that no matter what, I am slowing down.  Life is too short to worry about small things.  I can handle a little stress, but overloads aren’t good.  Prioritizing things differently might help.  School is always number 1, but Betheny is right.  It’s not everything, and I don’t have to have a perfect GPA (although I wouldn’t mind a perfect GPA if it wasn’t so hard).  I cannot believe there are only 4 weeks left in this semester.  Only 2 more semesters to go!!!!!

Also, along the lines of “life is too short” again, I feel like I should go for everything I want.  Without holding back.  I don’t want to go through the next 10 years afraid of being hurt and avoiding showing someone (yes, that someone) my real feelings.  He already knows, he’s always known.  But I told him a long time ago when maybe it wasn’t the right time.  Now is the right time.  I would definitely regret it if I don’t make sure he still knows, and I don’t want to look back and wish I had.  Everytime I’m around him I can be myself and say anything and be happy or sad or unsure or crazy.  He takes all of me, good and bad.  I told myself that I was past the desire to have anything other than a friendship with him, but now I am realizing that I’m probably not.  It’s the way he looks at me.  And the way he watches when other guys are around me.  Maybe it’s just me, hoping.  Maybe he doesn’t feel the same as he did when he said he loved me, but then again, maybe he does.  I think so, but I am going to find out because I need to.  When I look ahead, I could see myself with him.  But if not, I know, and he knows, that we’ll always be good friends.  I can’t imagine life without him, no matter what relationship we have.  And believe me, there are very few people that I can say that about.

I know now, too, that maybe the relationship with Nick an unconscious attempt on my part at distracting myself from wanting the other one.  That is so shallow of me, but looking back, did I really think Nick and I would have worked out?  No.  I don’t know why it lasted as long as it did.  We were completely different, and even though I did care about him, it wasn’t like I should have.  I think I held back with him more than I would have had things been right.  And if you read this, I’m sorry, Nick.

So besides a confusing love life (or halfway-existant love life, I guess) I’m just ready to start new with lots of things.  I am excited about my weight lifting class, which is going to force me to keep the motivation up, and my Colorado trip this summer.  I miss the mountains.  I plan on going skydiving sometime in August (hopefully for my birthday) and spending lots of time at the lake.

I have a feeling that this summer is going to be a good one.

Spent too much money.

I went shopping today, as a treat to myself for all the stress that has been surrounding my life lately.  Kansas City has far better malls than we have so I decided to go to Oak Park.  I spent far too much money at Abercrombie, but I love that store.  I couldn’t help myself.  Besides buying clothes, I figured since I was already there I might as well buy a new bottle of perfume.  It’s just not worth ordering online and then paying an almost $10 shipping fee.  I loooove that perfume though.

After I left there, I somehow ended up at the Great Plains Mall.  I usually don’t go there.  After the episode of the homeless man following me around for an hour in the book store a few months ago, I tend to stay away from there as much as I can.  So anyway, I wandered through Steve & Barry’s.  Something caught my eye.  A picture of Sarah Jessica Parker on the wall.  It took a minute to figure out that her name was actually on the clothes beneath the picture.  Since when does she design clothes?  (Or put her name on clothes other people are actually designing, whatever).  It makes me laugh because she is famous for being Carrie Bradshaw, the woman who will spend hundreds on a pair of Manolo Blahniks, and now she is selling clothes plastered with her name for less than $10.  Aw, what a wonderful life she must live.

Shopping was what I needed, and I feel a lot better.  Until I see my credit card bill next month, I suppose.

In times of need…

I can always count on my friends to get me through. Beer and laughs about old times after a horrible night in biology was exactly what I needed.

I love you guys.

Feeling like a freak on a leash.

I need to refocus. I’ve been stressing too much about getting homework done, not spending enough time with Nick, internships, family, and life in general. I feel a bit like a muzzled mess, and tonight I am just going to curl up on my bed and read. My mind needs the relaxation, and my body needs to get prepared for a great “sister night” tomorrow that Darcy and I have planned.

What a way to start March.

At some point today, I know I’m going to cry. It’s been one of those days already, actually one of those weeks. Nothing seems to have gone the way I wanted, and I’m just completely void of motivation. I’m so ready for spring. And I need a theraputic trip to Barnes and Noble to clear my head. I wonder sometimes how I let everything get so confusing.

Not a new feeling, just refreshed.

For the first time in a long time, today was a sunshiny good day. I didn’t accomplish much besides paying a few bills and getting shopping done, but I have had a good feeling. A feeling like good things are on the horizon, and I haven’t felt less stress in the past few weeks.

It reminded me of part of a song from West Side Story.

Could be!
Who knows?
There’s something due any day;
I will know right away,
Soon as it shows.
It may come cannonballing down through the sky,
Gleam in its eye,
Bright as a rose!

Who knows?
It’s only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Under a tree.
I got a feeling there’s a miracle due,
Gonna come true,
Coming to me!

Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something’s coming, something good,
If I can wait!
Something’s coming, I don’t know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!

Balancing act.

Finally, I am feeling more caught up in my classes. I have only 1 more chapter to read for psychology before the test, a lecture, although long, for history, a chapter for law, and a chapter for biology. Of course, it sounds like a lot just then when I typed it, but it was considerably a longer list yesterday. I want to get to the point where I don’t have to worry this week, especially since I agreed to write a story for the yearbook for Regina. It really made me feel good yesterday to receive her email asking if I had any time to do the story. I guess I needed a bit of an ego boost after such a long week. It’s going to be nice to relax and see friends tonight!