oh, the nerd in me loves this.

If this isn’t the cutest and intoxicatingly nerdy design piece, I don’t know what is. And I am totally in love with it. If I can find a cheap thrifted globe, I will be making one of my own for my room upgrade that is happening in the next few months.

baby steps?

Let’s go back to where we started
when you smiled
and I sang,
to a time when we got along
and talked about things
that actually mattered,
to where a friendship stood
strong and soft and silly
(before love ruined it),
to where we could still
make each other happy.

I want to say
let’s go back and start over,
but what if I wasn’t okay
in the first place?

advice to my 16-year-old self.

Maria and I, 2001

Christmas 2002

You think you have everything figured out, but believe me, you don’t know anything about real life. You don’t know that as you get older, it only gets more complicated. You don’t yet know what being lonely feels like. You don’t know what exhausted is. You don’t have anything figured out yet so take a breathe and take things as they come.

Don’t assume the people around you always have your best interest in mind. Mostly they don’t. They are quite like you, rather self-contered.

You’re going to be hurt. You’re going to go through hell (and back) and feel like your world has dropped out from beneath you. You’re going to need to cry. So cry and scream and hit something if you need to. But don’t be afraid.

Don’t be afraid.

Love will be yours, so embrace it. Love him, and let him know you do. He loves you too, but he won’t be yours forever. Some things are tough for even the strongest man to deal with. He’ll hurt your heart, but don’t resent him. Try to understand him for trying to protect himself. It’s all you’ve ever tried to do, after all.

Losing him will make you feel crazy and lonely and guard your heart like you never had to before. You will be fine. You won’t feel like it sometimes, but trust me, eventually seeing him, knowing he is just down the street will get easier. Just being his friend will one day be enough to calm your heart.

Some of your friends aren’t really your friends at all. They will look at situations differently and ultimately do what is best for themselves, not you or your friendship. Cherish Maria, Jessica, and Lindsey. They’ll be the ones that are real.

Be genuinely happy. Don’t worry. Those little things won’t matter later, but you’ll be calmed someday to know you enjoyed life.

College is important, but don’t make it your life’s only accomplishment.

Do what you love. Don’t always do what is expected of you. Your life needs adventure so you can have stories to tell later. Have fun. Cause a little trouble.

Gear up for one hell of a fight and put your smile on while you are out there kicking ass. Prove people wrong.

You are going to be loved and go far. Believe both and you’ll be fine.

You will be just fine.

silent sunday.

random thoughts from this morning.

+ I’m not braving the heat today. It made me feel so worn out yesterday. Maybe I’ll spend the day reading.

+ I cannot wait for football season to start. I’m done with withdrawl, now I’m having cravings. I got a new small 2010 schedule in the mail yesterday, and it’s sitting right here on my desk.

+ I am starting to get excited for 4th of July too. Hanging out at my brother’s farm & then watching fireworks at the lake from his yard. It should be a good time.

+ Aunt Nancy and Leon are arriving on Monday. i haven’t seen her for approximately 5 years. I’m excited!

+ August can’t get here soon enough.

+ 38 days until my birthday!

+ I slept for 10 hours last night and still don’t feel quite caught up.

since you’ve left.

I do my best thinking
in the dark
away from lights and distractions
where my heart can be calm
and remind itself what remains dear
without drama or pretense.

With black all around
I can be myself
and hide the tears
if they should force themselves up.
No need to hide my face here.

In the dark
I do my best thinking
and mostly I think
of you.

And just how I miss you
and the mystery that you held
clear up until the very day
you died.

I have never missed
a friendship that was quite as quiet
as what we shared.

Still, it is here
and you are not.

I never noticed your crooked front tooth
or the scar across your forehead
as things not to love.

I never paid much attention
to the people who thought
we had nothing much in common.

I never would have changed
a single, simple thing
about who you were.

Sometimes the ones that
are the least perfect
are the ones we love the most.

Brookish.

I have to tell you how much I am in love with this Etsy shop. Finally, someone who loves Jane Austen and Pride & Prejudice as much as I do! This mug is my absolute favorite.

I have a feeling that my cupboard will be filled with a set of these….

contrast.

the difference between me and you
is simple.
we are primary colors in the spectrum
that run white to black,
not quite complementing one another
the way two colors should.

The line is drawn between us
and stubbornness takes control,
neither willing to budge up
to get close to the other.

We aren’t ready.
It’s just that simple.

oh, caleb.

This boy is hilarious. And super smart. He’s 6 years old and can read words like “studio” and barbeque.” I know it’s been a long time since I was 6, but I am pretty sure I couldn’t read those words. He can keep up with conversations like an adult and throws out big words that make me wonder “where the heck did he learn that word?”

Since they moved to the farm, I haven’t spent as much time with him (or the rest of his brothers or sisters) as I had when they were just across the bridge. Despite that fact, he is still close with me, and I think everyone knows he holds a little special place in my heart. He was my little angel baby nephew when I desperately needed something to make me happy.

He still makes me laugh, of course. A few days ago I took him to get his disposable camera developed (which he was so excited about), and he giggled the entire way back to the house while looking at his pictures. I don’t know if he is really interested in the picture-taking side of it, or if he just wanted another toy, but I’m going to encourage every creative cell in his little head to kick its way out.

Being like Aunt Carrie wouldn’t be the worst thing that happened to him.

just give me one.

Nobody ever really has a good excuse
to sleep in and snuggle up
with their own laziness
in the middle morning
while things outside are happening
and a million other people
are busy smiling and living,
doing whatever they do.

There’s no good excuse
to hide your head underneath the cover
darkening the lightened sky
but nobody ever needed one.

It’s one of those things
that can’t be criticized
because we’d all do it

if we could.

1 year old.

silent sunday.

as a matter of fact.

I felt beautiful yesterday,
almost as much as I feel already today.

A change is good sometimes.
Right now, a change is really, really good.

california boy.

I love the Kansas sky tonight,
golden orange and overexposed,
littered by few clouds.

I love this humid wind
and grass fully green.

I love the simplicity seen everywhere.

I really do love this Kansas sky,
but I miss my California boy

and his sincere smile.

A to Z of home.

A- My AIR CONDITIONER is set on: 74 degrees.
B- My BEDROOM theme is: nothing in particular. I’m painting/redecorating in the spring.
C- The CAR in the driveway is: a big hunk of junk, and it’s going to be gone by this winter I hope.
D- My DESK looks: like a mess right now.
E- The EXACT time I wake up daily is: whenever I open my eyes.
F- The FIRST thing I wash in the shower is: my hair.
G- My GARAGE is filled with: junk. I don’t really know. I don’t go in there.
H- My HOME is: comfy.
I- If you peeked INSIDE my bathroom you’d see: a plain bathroom. Nothing too exciting.
J- My favorite JUICE is: V8 Splash.
K- The best part of my KITCHEN is: the microwave. I’d starve without it.
L- The LAST person who visited my home was: my little brother, Mark.
M- The last piece of MAIL for me was: a magazine.
N- My NEIGHBORS think I’m: a night owl. I stay home during the day, and leave at night. Maybe they think I’m a vampire, who knows.
O- If you OPENED my fridge you’d see: lots of vegetables and “heart healthy” food.
P- My last house PARTY was: my 21st birthday. I think we’re due for another.
Q- A QUICK meal I like to fix is: grilled cheese sandwiches.
R- My favorite ROOM of the house is: my bedroom.
S- The SHAMPOO brand I use is: Tresemme Curl shampoo.
T- My largest TELEVISION is: in the living room.
U- UNDER my bed you will find: probably dust bunnies. I don’t know.
V- The last time I VACUUMED was: …never. We have wood floors and brooms.
W- Looking out my WINDOW I see: trees. And an awful grey sky.
X- I wish I had X-TRA: everything. I’m a just-in-case kind of girl.
Y- My YARD is: full of mosquitos. Worst part of summer.
Z- ZZZZZZ My bedtime is: whenever my eyes feel heavy.

oh, summer.

I think the thing I love most about summer, besides the smell of fresh cut grass, is the brightness of everything. You can’t tell me these colors aren’t gorgeous and uplifting.

not worth it.

Fighting the urge to wrap you in a hug,
I ignore your kind of beautiful.
I know your flaws–
you never tried to conceal them.
That kind of honesty
is just what I need.
No games or running circles,
no tears full of lies.

I keep myself from touching you
because what you want
and what I want
aren’t quite the same.
I’ll fall for you
faster than I want to.

You’ve been honest so,
so will I.

I want love
as much as you don’t.

dinner coupons.

My very good friend Robyn recently graduated, and, being the late last-minute sort of person that I am, didn’t have time to go to the store to pick up a gift card before I left to go to her party (I was sick too, which didn’t help). Instead, I pulled out a blank index card and drew my own gift card to stick in her “congratulations” card. And this idea was born.

I changed it a bit and used my Bamboo tablet to write too. They’re available nowhere and here in sets of 3, in 2 different color schemes. Pastel or bright. They’re pretty darling, if I do say so myself. :)

so on it goes.

I came looking
for some meaning and clarity,
the something inside myself
that so holds me back.

I came searching
and still feel empty-handed.

go ahead.

I have done it. Jumped on the Formspring bandwagon, that is. You can go here and ask me any question you want. I can’t guarantee I’ll actually answer it (I’m a person and can use my discretion as I choose), but I am sure nobody here will ask anything inappropriate. I expect those kinds of questions from random people who use the internet as a way of only amusing themselves in sick ways.

So go ahead, ask. In the meantime, I think I am going to spend the day running errands and possibly buying the new HTC EVO. I can’t decide whether I really need it though. Ah, decisions!

silent sunday.

missed out.

I tapped my fingers,
tapped my heels,
and checked my makeup twice.

I listened to the awful overhead music
and watched others come, eat, and go.

It wasn’t until the eager waiter
looked at me sympathetically
and asked if I wanted a third martini
that I realized
I’d been stood up.

Too bad for him–
I was wearing the lacy underwear.

oh, watercolor.

I have started to love watercolor lately. I was playing around the other day and made a tiny version of these, on a business card-sized letterpress cards I made. It turned out so pretty that I had to make some larger versions.

Each is unique and different from the other. That’s one of the things that I love about them.

They’ll be available here in sets of 4. Why 4? Well, because I only had 8 matching envelopes left. I’ve got to get some more if/when these two sets sell.

swift kick.

I have felt so motivated and energetic over the past few days. I think opening that Etsy shop was just the kick I needed to finally feel creative again. Besides the project I promised this week, I have a few other things in mind that I want to get started on.

Also, thank you for the kind comments on this post. I received a few in the comment section, one by email, and a few on my Flickr. I just want to assure you all that I really do smile more than it seems. haha. It may not seem like it, I guess, by some of the poems I post here, but let me assure you, I really do. I’m a happy person, and if I met most of you, I’d probably hug you. Some of those poems were written during a hard break-up, but I’m just now finding that I want to share them. So as the time goes, and I run out of old poems, maybe it will seem cheerier around here. :)

And don’t feel shy about passing the shop around to your friends. *nudge, nudge*