Archive for December, 2009

December 31, 2009

In review.

A year I’ll never forget & would never want to repeat. The happenings and lessons:

–I met the most confident, sweet, magnetic people this year.
–July changed my life, in more ways than one.
–Two words: oxygen man. (Some of you will appreciate this. Haha.)
–Kansas City now is one of my favorite places. So much fun to be had there.
–My sister figures me out every single time.
–I lost contact with a lot of people. Some I am sad about. Others, not at all.
–It felt good to feel beautiful.
–And it felt good to finally finish college.
–If I find a man that I can love more than football, I think I’ll make him my husband.
–Emotionally I broke down and then built myself up stronger. I have a wall as big as China’s.
–I don’t know if any job could be as fun and informative as my internship at TSCPL was. Loved it.
–I made someone cry, and I don’t feel bad about it.
–Some things that I worry about just don’t matter.
–Hanging with Maria is always full of laughs, even when it’s followed by tears. I missed her so much!
–Creepy old man sending me beer from the waitress, then handing me his email on a napkin. Creepy, creppy, creepy and slightly hilarious.
–After parties at Benny’s. His grandma probably still hates us, but his mom loves us!
–Maria’s phone dropped in vomit outside Brandon’s apartment. Oh that poor phone went through hell!
–Chucks are still my fav shoes.
–And hoodies and jeans are still my favorite attire.
–Borrowing Kieffer’s straws after Happy Hour. His face was priceless.
–Once you care about a person, all logic about them goes out the window.
–It’s hard not to want to be around someone who makes you totally comfortable with them.
–Wheelchairs still fucking suck.
–Surprise 24th birthday party! Tequila shots, cucumbers, and inappropriate text messages. What a night!
–Yankees won the World Series!
–Chiefs barely won anything.
–I wrote. A lot!
–Kristi, Aaron, Justin & I found a drunk guy in the bushes (twice in one night!), but couldn’t find her hotel room. Probably the best night of the year.
–Dayton and Raelyn’s arrivals were 2 of the highlights, for sure. Baby fever? Oh yeah.
–Trying to teach my mother the workings of football is harder than I anticipated.
–I’m obviously too much a Jared Allen lover. I almost feel like a Chiefs traitor.
–I cut down on pop and candy, just because it’s not that good anymore.
–Beer and conversations outside in thunderstorms.
–I am getting better at taking compliments.
–I realized I really never want to be a bridesmaid. I like to watch weddings rather than be in them.
–I suck at cooking, but I am getting better. (I did make one glorious pizza, once.)
–Visiting hospitals sucks for any reason.
–Once you figure out what traits annoy you about a person, you can expect them, get over it, and like that person even more than before.
–The best compliments come from the people you least expect to hear them from.
–First rollercoaster since being paralyzed was awesome and scary at the same time. Check one off the bucket list.
–Ignoring people who are assholes is SO hard sometimes.
–Brother/sister fights are sometimes healthy. I sometimes love them more after a fight.
–Loose Park = love.
–I discovered that Charles Bukowski is a genius poet.
–I learned it’s easy to be let down when the expectations are wrong.
–A lot of songs made me cry this year. Even more made me smile and dance.
–2010 just has to be a better year! There’s no other way around it.

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December 29, 2009

favorites of 2009.

I’m sure somewhere I am missing a few in each of these categories, but for the moment, these are the ones I can recall for this year. Enjoy.

Blogs/websites.
Elise Blaha.
Twitter.
Etsy.
[i]LoveLife.
Facebook.

Songs/Musicians.
Miranda Lambert–Makin’ Plans
Her Morning Elegance–Oren Lavie
Need You Now–Lady Antebellum
Mayer Hawthorne
Whatever It Is–Zac Brown Band
Save You–Kelly Clarkson
Audience of one–Rise Against
Vegetable Car–Joshua Radin
Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson

Happenings.
Graduation. May 16.
Dayton Riley’s birthday. June 19.
Raelyn Anne-Marie’s birthday. December 10.

Places.
PBR Big Sky/Power & Light District/Kansas City, in general.
The Rooster Tail bar.
TSCPL.
Hobby Lobby/Michael’s/Paper Source.

Books/Authors/Poets.
Charles Bukowski.
Love is a Mix-Tape by Rob Sheffield.
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.
Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin.
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen.
The Black Dahlia by James Ellroy.

TV shows.
Chelsea Lately.
Grey’s Anatomy.
The Good Wife.
Tough Love 2.

Food.
Taco Bueno.
Broccoli.

Products.
Carmex.
Concealer.
Mary Kay foundation.
Eucerin Face Moisturizer.
Tresemme Curl Conditioner.
Garnier Fructis Leave-In Curl & Shine Conditioner.

December 28, 2009

twenty-ten goals.

2009. It’s almost over. I remember being so excited about the new year and all the things that I was certain were going to happen. It just flew by so fast. I don’t feel that I accomplished half of what I wanted to, but I suppose that 2010 could be enough time for that. Maybe 2010 will be the best year ever.

Things I am going to attempt in 2010:

change the look of my blog. Majorly.
–finally open an Etsy. (eh, maybe, I don’t know if anyone would actually buy prints of my photos or any of my craftiness stuff anyway…)
–do something new with my hair.
–Be more girly, make-up wise.
–purge friends on Facebook that I never talk to.
organize pictures on hard drive. I need a good system.
–write in my journal every single day instead of skipping stuff.
–get a job that I really like!
–finally order a new manual chair.
–fall in love.
–hit every bar at power and light.
get a bamboo plant.
–be my own inspiration.
–get more sleep.
–count the stars.
–design stuff I can sell, like at a craft show.
–conquer crochet then learn to knit.
–send more snail mail instead of using social media.
–drink more water and less Dr Pepper.
–drink milk once in a while too (blech).
–tell people I love, that I do.
–burn more candles.
–spend far less time online.
–continue the “tidy” thing.
–spend less money on stupid stuff.
–be more patient in all things.
–not buy so many products just because they might work.
–concentrate better.
–no buying anything paper related until I use the stuff I have.
–be completely debt free for the most part.
–watch more of Chelsea Lately.
–take a picture every day.
–get a pet fish.
–exercise on a better schedule.

December 23, 2009

red hot.

This anger is exhausting and impulsive.
Just the sight of your name
could trigger a red glare in my green eyes
and I don’t have the time
or the energy to fight it today.

I finally need a place
to put it until it’s needed.

Far away from my heart
and happiness.

I don’t need its black disgust
rubbing off on me
permanently.

So arrogant of you to imagine
I could forget such greedy desertion,
such sweltering selfishness.
So arrogant
and so wrong.

You, poor mistaken friend,
playing the victim.

This anger has turned into hatred
boiling beneath my polite smile
and it’s your own damn fault.

December 20, 2009

maneater.

(just for clarification: this is not autobiographical. lol)

Wait just a second.
You thought I loved you?

Because I laughed
and smiled
and let you buy my drinks?
So we danced
and had a good time
and I drove you back
to my place
instead of yours.
You kissed me
and I kissed back.
Things happened.

You thought that was something?

I just didn’t
want to wake up alone.

December 18, 2009

it usually is a bad idea.

When I daydream
my vision becomes a monotonous blur,
colors swirling into a hallucinative kaleidoscope
while small streams of thoughts
empty themselves into a river
of emotions then that takes itself
into an ocean of unconscious.

What do you do
when you daydream yourself
into a black stupor
imagining the impossible
and wishing for an unreachable past?

You die a little inside, that’s what.
Whether you want to or are aware of it or now.
You die, kill yourself slowly.

Daydreaming away reality into false hopes,
dashing tiny disappointments
in what you already know can never really be true.

Daydreaming is doing me in.

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December 16, 2009

I realized…

it is okay to be really pissed off about being paralyzed sometimes.
it is okay to still have some sort of love for someone who broke my heart so badly. It says more about my character than it does about his.
it is okay to not feel the need to explain my hatred toward certain people to anyone. It’s mine–and I think I’ll just keep it for myself.
it is okay to be a little indecisive about things. It means they are important enough to spend time thinking about.
it is okay to like to be alone.
it is okay to stay home and be a book nerd for as long as I want to be.
it is okay also to be happy about the amazing friends and opportunities that paralysis has given me.
it is okay to be loose with my life plan. I’d be disappointed if I weren’t flexible with those expectations.
it is okay to be afraid.
it is okay to want, even when what I want isn’t what I need.
it is okay to be someone who isn’t followed. Being my own leader isn’t so bad.
it is okay to write things that nobody else will ever want to read.
it is okay to like things that nobody else likes.
it is okay to not watch the clock. Enjoying each moment is good enough.
it is okay to love someone from far away.
it is okay to do things accidentally as long as I learn from it.
it is okay to cry when I really need to.
it is okay to miss the people who used to be important to my heart.
it is okay to sometimes take the easy route, as long as it doesn’t turn into a habit.
it is okay to admit defeat, as long as I try harder next time.
it is okay to be the fun one or the shy one or the crazy one, whichever I choose to be.
it is okay to be vulnerable and scared.
it is okay to be louder than the guys when watching sports.
it is okay to have a vice.
it is okay to get angry and express it.
it is okay to state straight out what I want when I want it.
it is okay to be myself, good and bad, and not be ashamed of it.
it is okay to not be dolled up every minute of every day.
it is okay to be content with having what I have.
it is okay to do things that nobody else would do.
it is okay to spoil myself sometimes. I deserve a little sweetness too.
it is okay to have an addiction. Mine happens to be Chapstick.
it is okay to feel beautiful.
it is okay to be my own best friend sometimes. I turn to myself for support.
it is okay to be mistaken for someone else –although this rarely, rarely happens anymore.
it is okay to be the girl that the guys feel cool about just hanging out with, no strings attached.
it is okay to be really pissed about the unfair things.
it is okay to change.
it is okay to be me, whoever I want to be.

December 14, 2009

smoke rings and smiles.

Stars in the dark,
cold breathe in the air,
yours and mine.

You’re the best part of me
when we’re here.
Words between us
wait for these moments
of tenderness
when we safely share
all that’s in our heads
in our hearts
in our bones.
We are safe
with each other
side by side
with my head resting
snug in the crook of your shoulder.

The vulnerability here is fair
but will be gone
before the sun shows up again
to expose it all in our eyes
instead of letting it
just feel through this black air between us.

If only the world could see
through the dark
through the strange secrecy.
Maybe then this kind of love
could be appreciated
the very same way
we do.

Maybe they could have it too.

December 14, 2009

insecure.

I want to feel beautiful in my body too.
I want to feel soft and sexy and sensual and full,
with curves that flow in the soft light
and hold a cashmere sweater in all the right ways.
I want to feel comfortable,
the beautiful comfortable that is used and thrown away.

Instead I got stuck with being broken.

December 13, 2009

a certain clarity.

With every birth that happens around me, I get a new confidence in myself as a potential mommy. I think I am going to be a great mom, despite any physical limitations I have. I have a lot of love and knowledge and lessons that I can pass on, and any child I have, I think, will be well-rounded and open to people, no matter how weird or singled-out they may be. My child will be a good person because of my physical disability.

But it is also the part that scares me too. I’m going to be a mom who can’t do every single thing like “normal” moms can. I don’t want my child to grow up and somehow, even the littlest tiny bit, resent me for not being the “normal” mom.

I lay in bed the other night thinking about this (Raelyn’s birth has me feeling baby fever, lol), and it was the first time I have ever doubted myself when it came to future motherhood. I’m not proud to say it because frankly, it was probably one of the worse doubts I have ever felt, like an ache of looking forward to something so badly and then realizing that it isn’t going to happen. And it was just me, overthinking. I asked myself: Is it selfish of me to put a kid through life with a mom in a wheelchair? For a moment, I had almost convinced myself, yes. But at this very moment, I say no, it isn’t. For every thing that I can’t do, his/her daddy will be able to, and also for every thing I can’t do, I will be able to make up for it with something I can. I haven’t quite figured out what those are, but they’ll come. It’s going to have to be a compromise for me. I can’t do this, so I’ll do that.

And there’s that confidence.

I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m going to be a great mom. I already know I will. How do I know? I know I will because I want to be.

It’s in me, that motherly instinct, that nurturing, caring, let-me-hold-you-while-you-cry-over-a-scraped-knee type of love. I have that, and I own it and hold it close. I like that part of me.

I know that my life will never be full until I have done that, had a husband and a family. That’s a part of the plan, and it always has been. It sure has taken me longer than expected to find the husband and start the family, but it’s going to happen. Because it’s in the PLAN, dammit.

December 10, 2009

December 10, 2009

She is here. And oh my gosh, she is beautiful. As beautiful as a baby can be.

Raelyn AnneMarie was born at 8:10 this morning. 7 pounds 5 ounces, 19.5 inches long and lungs that make her bigger and tougher than she really is.

She is perfect.

Serenity and Makinna spent the night at my house, and I got MAYBE an hour worth of sleep. Not only was I ridiculously excited for Raelyn’s arrival today, it was cold, and Serenity was snoring next to me. I have never heard a 4-year-old that can snore that way, but I think that her cold has something to do with her newfound ability to saw logs. Either way, I am exhuasted. No, I am BEYOND exhausted. My eyes are heavy, and my legs are tingling. This is the kind of tired that I only felt when I was going to school full-time and working at the library. This is the kind of tired that leaves no time for anything except being tired.

But it is worth is. Besides being indescribably heavy, it is also the kind of tired that makes me feel that I spent the day doing something productive and useful, a feeling I have been lacking lately.

The next few days are going to be busy, with Serenity and Makinna with me until Sunday and Arianne’s graduation of Friday night and party Saturday afternoon.

December 8, 2009

cover-up.

The thoughts crept through her brain slowly
and she visualized each word
as if it scrolled on a screen
across the back of her eyelids.
It made them more real.

The negativity they left was only further
proof of her unseen damage,
the scars inside that
no one could have detected.
She had long ago hidden them well.

She smiled the way a star
shines on the brightest night,
all the while wishing for a single cloud
to float easily into her path,
mulling out her effort
with its own shade of gray.
What hadn’t happened up to this moment
wouldn’t happen
and the voice reminded her
that what had happened had damaged her
beyond recognition and repair.
Such progress, she decided,
of the past weeks had been a waste of time,
a hope for healing
when there never would be enough of anything
to forever erase the memories
of that pain.

One day would come
when the air wasn’t so thick
and hard to inhale,
but today wasn’t going to be that day.

Today wasn’t that day.

December 5, 2009

2009 X-mas cards.

This year, instead of spending hours and hours agonizing over Christmas cards, I decided that simple and easy cards were what I wanted. Even though some might say they are TOO simple, I like the way they turned out. I got everything at either Michael’s or Paper Source (their deep red is my favorite red stationary-perfect for Christmas) and made all of them, including envelope liners, wrote on, and addressed them in less than 3 hours. Again, simple and easy.


The mess.


Close-up.


With the 2 different envelopes.

December 3, 2009

inviting trouble.

You’re supposed to be
out of my reach,
in that dimension beyond
the boundaries of safety,
my safety.

You’re supposed to be
complicated,
a bet not meant to gamble.

It’s the danger that should
drive me away,
the recklessness of a man
with your clear complacency.
Instead, it blinks in front of me
beautifully intoxicating
and waits for my outstretched fingertips.

Your own rough fingerprints
are left all over my body
as invisible evidence
of some lustful crime.

I should be smarter about you,
but as long as I know what to expect
I only have time
to lose.

I feel a sin coming on
every time I’m near you.

December 1, 2009

exhausted.

wisp wisp
slip down the slope
like a skier on his skis
tears wisp their way
clutching at the corners
of my lips
a testing stop for just a second
before falling to my chin
and avalanching
over that cliff

And oh,
how those tears are cold.

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